Todder's Playhouse: "Todder's advice...unshaved"

Answer for Tom Dioguardi

2009-09-23T15:09:00.000-07:00

Tom Dioguardi writes:

Hey Bod, got a question for you.My cousin and I are coming up with a NCAA March Madness style tournament for the 65 Most Badass Movie Characters of All-Time. Some examples: Achilles, Hannibal Lecter, James Bond, Lord Voldemort, etc.What's your take on this tournament? And do you have any input? When my cousin and I have created the final bracket with our picks I'll give you a sneak preview.

-The Best

I think this is a great / super dorky idea. I'm kind of suprised it has never been done before, and I am interested to see where you take it. I'm glad you asked me for my input because I do indeed have some very important and, seeing as how I myself am a badass and very knowledgeable on what in fact makes a badass, educated source of factual information.

The first thing I might ask is whether each character can make only one appearance or is it a character throughought his career? By this I mean do you choose each character from a specific movie or over the course of all of their films? For instance, James Bond is a huge badass in Casino Royal, but is not nearly as big of a badass in any movie that Pierce Brosnan was in. So do you pick James Bond in general or James Bond in Casino Royal, and if so can he potentially match up with a James Bond from another film. This is something you definitely have to take in to consideration.

After you get that settled, I think you should set yourself some sort of guidelines for what makes someone a badass. Is it their body count? Is it their skills with numchucks? Is it their hand-to-hand combat skills? Or is it something intangible, something that really has no name but can be seen in their eyes? The list has to have some sort of guidelines in order to be fair.

I'd also like to bring to your attention the fact that Danny Trejo is probably the biggest badass of them all and should make numerous positions in this tournament. Some other characters that I believe should be on the list include the obvious, such as William Wallace, John McClane, Rambo, Ripley, Rocky, Han Solo, Mad Max, Highlander, the Terminator, Sarah Connor, Beatrix Kiddo, Ivan Drago, to other not as obvious badasses like, Dutch, John Matrix, Luc Deveraux, Andrew Scott, Carrie, and Ghost Dog. That's all I can think of for now, but if you want more input don't hesitate to ask. Good luck.

Answer for Jimmy Crack Corn

2009-09-03T11:26:00.000-07:00

Jimmy Crack Corn writes:

Hey Bod,

Do you believe your boy Federer is still the best in the world or has Nadal overtaken him? I thought Ndal had it firmly 6 months ago but what Federer has done recently will rekindle the argument. However, please reference Nadal at 100% health.

My feelings on this situation are complicated. Federer right now is the best in the world, but that is due to the injury of Nadal. With Nadal at 100% it is clear that Nadal wins a majority of the time. However, I still believe that Federer is the better tennis player and arguably the greatest of all time. Nadal's style of pure strength and athleticism is not one that can be maintained for many years, as shown by his latest injuries. Federer's style, on the other hand, is more fluid and one that can be and has been maintained over many years. Nadal will have to adapt his game in one way or another if he wants to stay on top. Hard court is his worst surface, and so the US Open will be a tough challenge for him, both on his knees and on his game.

In the end, every player has their weak points, even Federer, and Nadal's style exploits each and every one of said weak points of Federer. Nadal will forever be an asterisk next to Federer's the greatest tennis player of all time.

Answer for Anonymous

2009-09-01T13:17:00.000-07:00

Anonymous writes:

Hey do you vet the websites you recommend on your site? That iamryan whatever site stinks. Please keep the integrity of Todders Playhouse intact. Still love the site.

Well Mr. Anonymous, I hate to answer such a negative question and one that directly aims to undermine all that we here at the Playhouse aim to achieve, but since I answer all questions I can make no exceptions (I think it's exceptions, but it could be acceptions. Mind blown.) Even I am not above the rules of Todder's Playhouse, and so here you go.

1. In questions of such a personal nature, anonyminity (spelling?) should be forfeitted. I do not appreciate having the Playhouse indirectly attacked and not being able to put a name on said attacker.

2. What the hell is vetting? I can manage to summize a definition through context, but please do not use such web savy terms again in the future.

3. It's www.iamryanb.com. I know you knew that. Get it right or pay the price (there is no price).

4. I support all of Todder's Playhouse's readers in all of their ventures. Such is the nature of the Playhouse.

5. I do indeed "vet" all websites I mention in the Playhouse, and as stated in numero 3, I support all of Todder's Playhouse's readers in all of their ventures. As such, I spread the word to the best of my abilities of said ventures.

6. The integrity of the Playhouse is indeed still intact. The only time that integrity is at risk is when negativity is brought into the Playhouse from outsiders because it damn well will never be brought in by me. This is Todder's Playhouse. Not Todder's Negativehouse, or Todder's Putotherpeopledownhouse. Remember that.

Answer for Edo D'Tasont

2009-08-20T17:01:00.000-07:00

Prince Edo D'Tasont writes:

I is left a amont of large money by mine late relative. I am informed by a mutual friend about Todder's Playhouse: "Todder's advice...unshaved", and hoped that they could take a part of my money. I am neding to bring my money to the United States of America, and want to deposit the money into your acount. All I will ask is that you be kind enough to give me Todder's Playhouse: "Todder's advice...unshaved" credit card information. I give them 15% of my fortune, and have the rest for my new life in United States of America. Will Todder's Playhouse: "Todder's advice...unshaved" help me in my very important quest?

Prince Edo D'Tasont

That's a tough question Mr. D'Tasont. I am a pretty big fan of money and would love for you to deposit the money into my account. That sounds pretty nice. I'd be helping you and I'd be helping me, so that's pretty much the definition of a win-win situation. Unfortunately, the Playhouse does not have it's own credit card. For business reasons I keep the credit card under my name and don't have a company card. You sound like a business man yourself and so I am sure you understand. However, if you'd like to do some side business with me, all you have to do is ask. We're not on a secure server right now and I don't want my credit card info to leak out, but if you leave me your address perhaps we can get some business rolling. I look forward to hearing from you Mr. D'Tasont.

A Final Word About the Juggaloos

2009-08-18T13:45:00.000-07:00

This website link comes to you from our good friend Ryan B., otherwise known as the newest member of the blogging world at www.iamryanb.com. The link is http://www.juggalogathering.com/gotj09.html. I just wanted to share it with you so you could get a quick glimpse into the all the goings on of the 2009 Gathering of the Juggaloos.

A quick rundown of the highlights:
-Coolio and Vanilla Ice are both performing.
-Sexy Juggalettes are considered good things to bring, along with face paint.
-Events include stand-up performances by Pauly Shore and the comedy stylings of Rowdy "Roddy" Piper of WWF fame.
-Inflatable games will also be on hand. Think about a bunch of hard core Insane Clown Posse fans with tatoos and face paint going down inflatable slides and inflatable obstacle courses.
-Although it makes sense in light of the Insane Clown Posse and such, the thought of a bunch of tough guys hanging around the airbrush facepaint stations is still quite comical.

The Juggaloos: A True Family

2009-08-11T11:59:00.000-07:00

I got a pretty positive response about an earlier post about the Gathering of the Juggoloos so I thought I'd share something else with you I found about them. This little clip just shows how tight-knit the Juggaloos really are and how much of a family they are to one another. That's probably because they have no real family and hence they became a Juggaloo, but I digress. At any rate, check out the vid. It's legit a bit unnerving but it's enjoyable nonetheless.

Machete v. The Expendables: A Look

2009-08-06T13:30:00.000-07:00

I have yet to right about Machete, but it is giving The Expendables a run for their money for most bad-ass, ultra-rockin' cast (WARNING - the word ass will be used a lot in this post). Machete is Robert Rodriguez's upcoming film which is an expansion of a fake trailer which was featured in the 2007 film Grindhouse. I don't really want to get into the details of either movie because with these casts who gives a shit what their about. What I would like to do is more of a breakdown of the casts and see who ends up on top.

Alright, so The Expendables has Sly Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Eric Roberts, Randy Couture, Steve Austin, Mickey Rourke, Terry Crews, a rumored Bruce Willis and a small role for Arnold. That's jam packed with kick-ass, old school action stars ready to raise hell. Machete has a lot more rumored casting, but is starting off just like The Expendables with a lot of rumors and then an explosion of awesomeness. So far the cast of mostly rumors includes Danny Trejo, Steven Seagal, Bruce Willis, Jonah Hill, Robert De Niro, Lindsay Lohan, and Michelle Rodriquez. Although Machete obviously has much less people since it is in an earlier stage of production, Danny Trejo is probably the biggest bad-ass of them all and negates half of the cast of The Expendables all on his own. Also, Brittany Snow is in The Expendables which takes it down a few pegs. However, her lack of anything resembling bad-assness is probably negated by the same issue with Jonah Hill. No offense Jonah, but a fat guy with a jew fro and neck whiskers is not too intimidating. The Expendables also gets bonus points because Eric Roberts is hilarious.

I think so far the nod has to go to The Expendables, but as the casting continues look for more updates on this vicious duel.

She's Got That Good Hair

2009-08-05T15:12:00.000-07:00

This is definitely one of the funnies movie concepts / documentaries of all time. There is really not much humor I can add to it because it really speaks for itself, however I am having a bit of de ja vu times 2 right now and feel like I have written this all before. At any rate, check out the trailer below for Chris Rock's upcoming documentary, "Good Hair."

10th Annual Gather of the Juggalos

2009-07-29T12:15:00.000-07:00

A video courtesy of our friend Mike "loves to pump it up" Van Esler that I could not resist passing on to you, my readers. Check it out and laugh. Hard.

Unsuprisingly, I had never heard of the 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th, 7th, 8th, or 9th Gathering of the Juggalos, nor what a Juggalo was, but this video brought everything to light for me. As Violent J so eloquently states, "It's what I imagine it's like for the Muslims to visit the holyland of Mecca." True that Violent J. On another note, for a guy named Violent J and wielding a hatchet with scarey face paint on, he seems like a pretty nice guy. And why is everyone a ninja. That I do not get. Are clowns and ninjas friends? I may never know. On another sidenote, Sugar Slam = the worst name ever / the least likely person ever to be a Juggalo. And stop forcing those obsenities Sugar Slam, you just don't wear them well.

I would also like to state how Vanilla Ice is going to be there. Whoever said his career was over is eating those words now. Also, I'm pretty sure Big B is just Everlast plus like 50 pounds. In the end, this is like the ultimate gathering of past somewhat famous people who are now losers. You've got the Insane Clown Posse. You've got Vanilla Ice. You've got Butter Bean. You've got scavenger hunts. You've got a ferris wheel. For a "band" that is supposed to be hard core, that's some of the least hardcore stuff I can imagine. It sounds like a pretty fun day camp with a kind of cultish feel to it. "And there's a lot of sex in the air. Don't doubt it."

Video of the Day

2009-07-20T15:22:00.000-07:00

Here's a nice little vid courtesy of Chris "Stomp the Yard" Brown (and by yard I mean bitch.)

A) Why are you wearing like an orange kamoto? Is that really proper apology attire?
B) Do you really need to talk to a minister and spiritual advisor in order to know not to beat women?
C) By "I will do everything in my power to make sure it will never happen again," do you mean, "Next time I wanna slap a bitch I just won't do it"?
D) Good job at never actually admitting to what you did.
E) Would you agree with A-Rod that the whole time period was, "loosey-goosey"?

A video response to these questions would be much appreciated. Thanks Chris.

Answer for oneofthebens

2009-07-15T10:24:00.000-07:00

oneofthebens writes:

Is the Todd Runner an innate skill or something that one could practice. If it's the latter, how much do you charge?

I'd have to say that the Todd Runner is two parts innate skill and one part practice. For those of you who don't know, the Todd Runner is my wonderfully ugly yet devistatingly accurate shot in basketball. It's like a half finger roll half hook shot while jumping away from the basket with complete body control bank and in. It's nearly impossible to stop, and no one I've ever seen can do it quite like me. At any rate, it is a shot I have always had a nack for making, but one that I further developed due to my many other inadequecies on the court. Being the founder of the shot, I can certainly teach it with the greatest of ease, but not everyone is capable of using such a potent shot and some people simply will not be able to grasp the greatness that is the Todd Runner. I'd love to see it used more on the court, and as such I will teach it free at charge to anyone with an open mind and willing to learn.

Answer for Jimmy Crack Corn

2009-07-08T14:37:00.001-07:00

Jimmy Crack Corn writes:

BOD,

What is your career goal in life? When you think of the ultimate career situation for yourself, what do you envision? By the way, sorry for the question lay-off I just went through a move and job change. Thanks bro.

Well Jimmy, that's a pretty serious question you got there. It is also a well timed question in my life seeing as how I am unemployed. As far as my, "career goal in life" goes, I don't think I have one of those. As for my ultimate career situation, this would be it. If I could somehow get Todder's Playhouse to explode (although, seeing as how I have been writing this for over a year and that has yet to happen I am inclined to believe it shall never happen (frowny face)) I would be quite a happy camper. I enjoy writing ridiculous things that really have no other purpose than to spread a smile on a few reader's faces. I'm all for brigthening people's days up, and my comical writing styles is the best way I know how to do that.

No worries about the question lay-off. We here at the Playhouse appreciate every question, no matter how sparatic they may be.

Todd's Stories #20

2009-07-06T14:35:00.000-07:00

In certain aspects of my life I have always been pretty private. I'm not one to readily share my secrets or thoughts, and when it comes to pooping, the same is true. While on the toilet, I, like most people, like to have my privacy. However, unlike most people, my need for privacy started at a much earlier age. As a very young toddler and not pottytrained, when I needed to take a dump I would like to do it without wandering eyes on me. I may be going in my diaper and may need to be soon changed, but that doesn't change the fact that I wanted to be left alone while excrementing. So, what I would do is I would crawl or woddle over to behind a couch and not until I knew no one was around did I let one lose.

The moral of the story is look out if I'm hiding behind a couch.

News Updates

2009-07-01T09:38:00.000-07:00

The first news update is that over the weekend there was a glorious Tomball tournament and the stats are now online. For those of you not in the know, Tomball is a 3 v 3 basketball game on lowered hoops with a mini ball. Pure genius. Any who, follow the link to check out some stats. Vids to come.

http://tdthecorner.blogspot.com/2009/06/tomball-2009.html

The next order of business involves an up and coming comedian. You may or may not have heard of him, but his name is Randy. He's about to explode, so jump on the train before it takes off and strike while the irons hot.

http://www.laughyourdickoff.com/

Finally, a volcanic eruption which occurred two weeks ago in Russia is giving many Americans and Europeans beautiful, lavender sunsets, so if you have been seeing abnormally beautiful and lavender sunsets, that's why.

Answer for Ryan

2009-06-24T13:27:00.000-07:00

Ryan writes:

Your dedication to purchasing CDs has always amazed, confused, and amused me. Do you still practice this (at this point) art?

Follow-up: Have you purchased the new Mos Def. I read a piece about it in Rolling Stone and it's supposed to be the best since Black on Both Sides. I say that's a glowing review.

First, let me thank you for ending the long drought that has occurred in the Ask Todd section. It is a pleasure to be back doing what I do best: answering questions.

As for your question, yes, I do still practice the art of purchasing CDs. I've always felt the need to support the artists that I like, and as such I continue to buy their cds. These days you can download music legally and pay for it, but seeing as how my laptop is on its' last leg and I don't have a working ipod, I still buy the good ol' hard copy. Plus, I like to have something real, something tangible, to remember the purchase by, whether it be for the good or for the bad. There is no feeling like ripping off that super annoying plastic of a new cd, taking it out, poppin' it in to your cd player, and groovin' to some fresh new beats. Also, sometimes you get bonus artwork and things of the like, and who doesn't want that?

As far as The Ecstatic goes, yes, I did purchase it. It's definitely the most rap from a Mos Def cd since Black on Both Sides (as opposed to the weird boogie-man stuff on the other cds), and I definitely enjoyed it, but a lot of songs were like 2 minutes long which is super frustrating to me. I gotta get geared up before I start to groove, and a lot of the songs on The Ecstatic simply did not allow me to do that. It's a good cd, not great.

Boob Support

2009-06-23T12:46:00.000-07:00

This video comes from a good friend of the Playhouse. He is sometimes known as The Yellow Man, he is sometimes known as Sooo Good, but you probably know him as RBurke. At any rate, check out the video below.

First off, $55? What? I mean, I guess for a good nights sleep it's worth it, but can't you just role up a hand towel and squeeze it in there or something? Also, what's with the most pregnat woman of all time? Although I don't believe that she's actually pregnant, if she is, that lady is in no condition to be shooting commercials. It looks like she swallowed a beach volleyball and is about to burst. Finally, I may be mistaken, but I believe millions of big breasted women have slept fine before the Kush Support, and I believe they will continue to do so after the Kush Support. I am certainly no big breast expert and I unfortunately cannot relate to how it feels to have a bountiful bossom. However, I cannot imagine the Kush Support is the solution to any sleeping problems.

Puppies: A Convicts Best Friend

2009-06-19T14:06:00.000-07:00

Everyone knows that puppies are like alcohol: they can heal all of lifes problems. Well, that fact is now being put to good use at the Fishkill Correctional Facility in upstate New York (have you ever noticed the farther north you drive the more towns have kill in them?) The inmates there are taking place in a new program called Puppies Behind Bars (which sounds like a family comedy staring The Rock as the hard nosed prison guard who, after spending much time with the puppies, decides he has to set them free). The prisoners are given an 8-week old puppy and taught to train them to become service dogs for the disabled. Although this seems like it could go horribly wrong and does indeed sound like a joke, the wonders of puppy dogs have been working their magic on the inmates. The puppies and prisoners are together 24 hours a day, with the puppies sleeping in crates in the prisoner's cell (we'll see what PETA has to say about that.) The unconditional love of the puppies breaks the hard exterior crust of these inmates hearts, teaching them to love again and what it means to have a responsibility. There are many sappy quotes from inmates and the disabled in the article I read, but we'll leave that part out.

Apparently, this program was brought to national light by Oprah, and in an ironic twist for the ages, it was brought to her by none other than Kruella Devil (spell check) herself, Glenn Close. Personally, I take that as a bad omen. Glenn Close hates puppies, and I trust no one that hates puppies.

Lucky German Struck by Meteorite

2009-06-16T12:52:00.000-07:00

I hate to be behind the news but I kind of forgot about this story but it was simply too good to pass up. On June 12, a 14 year old German boy named Gerrit Blank was struck by a firey meteorite. Luckily for him the meteorite only struck his hand and then hit the ground, leaving a foot wide crater in the ground. If getting shit on by a pigeon is lucky, imagine how lucky getting love tapped by a meteorite must be. The meteorite was said to be traveling 30000 mph, which, by my count, is pretty fast. I'm not entirely sure how, but the meteorite only left a small scar on his hand. Imagine how good of a scar story/way to pick up chicks that will be. "Yeah, I was hit by a meteorite. It's like not a big deal." The women will swoon.

(Chick and meteorite magnet.)

Taste Explosion

2009-06-09T14:21:00.001-07:00

This just in. There must have been some major breakthrough at the Slim Jim Factory in Garner, North Carolina because there was literally a flavor explosion. Four workers were critically burned and dozens more were injured. Many also suffered from ammonia inhalation. I assume that means that ammonia is the secret ingredient that gives Slim Jim that extra kick. I hope the breakthrough was worth the injuries, but knowing Slim Jim, I'm sure it was.

Note: The factory is located at 4851 Jones Sausage Rd. It cannot be a coincidence that the Slim Jim factory is located on a Sausage Rd. The only questions remains is who this Jones character is.

Todd's Stories #19

2009-06-08T13:45:00.001-07:00

Many of my close friend already know this, but for others this may come as a bit of a suprise: in a former life of mine I was a rap superstar. That is the only explanation for my unparalleled rhyming skills for a white suburbanite. As a youth, I tapped into those skills on many occassions. I also showed my love for the streets with my FUBU and Timberland gear. Although these days my skills are only seen in the rap battle forum, I used to be quite similar to Lil' Wayne, never writing my rhymes down, but always keeping track of them in my head. Here is an example of one of my finest:

It's the T-O-double-D
I don't know why they wanna trouble me
Is it because their bitch be suckin' me
Or it is because my slow flow remarkable
I throw my rhymes like CB-4 and MC Gusto
This ain't nothing on the skeem of thangs
I blow you up worse than Marlon Wayans
Do to Keenin, I be skeemin
It's just the meanin of the thang
Bang Bang Bang, is that you that rang?
Don't come knockin on my door or I'll make you hit the floor
With the power of the Eiffel Tower
Then I'll truly duly smoke a dooby
You're a newby so I'll take it easy, you're sleazy

I don't remember the rest if there was in fact a rest. Another example of my skills comes from an earlier part of my life.

I'm stronger than King Kong
And smarter than Phil Phong
And I'll beat you at ping pong

For those of you that don't know, Phil Phong is quite smart.

The moral of the story is I will slay you in a rap battle. Also, I had many issues as a youth.

Total Eclips of the Heart

2009-06-05T13:09:00.001-07:00

This is a dece funny video, but they get props for first timage and vocals. I'd definitely own this track if I threw one down, but it's too late. They came up with the idea and so they win. Turn around bright eyes.

Lucky Cat

2009-06-01T14:26:00.000-07:00

Over the weekend, a cat deservingly and stupidly named Lucky, fell 26 stories from a Lower Manhattan building and survived. The owner, who apparently has never heard of screens, left her window open six inches wide when Lucky decided to give his name a test drive. He went out on the ledge, slipped, and fell 26 stories onto the balcony of someone below. I thought cats were supposed to be smart. Where did this cat think it was going to escape to? That is, unless this cat knew that it had exceptional abilities to fall from great heights and survive unscathed, in which case cats are way smarter than we give them credit for. Below is a picture taken by window washers across the street who must've been working really hard if they were able to spot a cat climbing out of a window across the street and then capture it's misadventure. For that matter, why do window washers carry a, by the looks of the picture, pretty good camera. Perhaps these skeezos were taking pictures of people inside the building they were washing. Perhaps they are undercover cops and the cat is a secret agent stealing something tiny but extremely important from it's former owner or planting bugs (not bugs like fleas, bugs like cameras and such. It's a technical term) in the owner's apartment. Perhaps they are theives planning a heist. Which is it? Only time will tell.

No Hugs For You!

2009-05-28T15:53:00.000-07:00

Apparently there is an epidemic of hugging going around amongst the youths of today. As a form of greeting, today's kids are not merely saying, "hi", shaking hands, or slapping five. Instead, they are giving each other full out hugs. It has gotten so bad that some schools, such as Hillsdale High in NJ (of course NJ) have banned hugging. You may be wondering, well what's so bad about hugging? A lot, that's what. First off, this hugging thing is throwing bullies into a spiral of confusion. Instead of beating up weaklings, they are forced to hug them and it's causing their self-confidence to go through the roof. Who needs that? Bullies should do what they do best: beat up nerds as a form of drawing attention to themselves and their own personal issues. Secondly, all this hugging amongst same sex friends is causing an asexual culture to develop. Don't quote me on this, but I'm pretty sure that's how gay spreads. Thirdly, it forces the awkward kids who would otherwise receive no physical or emotional effection to get the attention that they so badly long for. This in turn leads to more kids being friends and succeeding, which in turn leads to more competition later in life. If the bottom-feeders would just stay where they belong, on the ground where the bullies put them, society would be much better off.

Transforminators: Nobody Beats the Bale

2009-05-27T18:32:00.000-07:00

For the first time in about a year I have been slightly busy, and as such I have not been able to write the well thought out and educational posts that you are used to. To keep you busy until I write a real post, feast your eyes on this.

"And worst of all, eating all of our sand."

Crazy Straws

2009-05-22T12:40:00.000-07:00

Here's an idea from our good friend odonnellMONSTER. I think the idea is dece, but I can't really think of anything else to post about so I'll do it anyway. Look at the screen shot below.

Now come up with names for the crazy straws and post them in the comments section. Some of odonnellMONSTER's examples include Jealous? and Check This Out. Some of my own examples include Check Out My Crazy Straw, Suck It, Straw Magic, You Wish You Had a Straw Like This, Party Starter, I Love Waiting For My Drink To Come Out Of My Straw For a Really Long Time, and Loopty-Loop. My names are a bit longer than his.

Clinton's in Trouble Again

2009-05-20T15:04:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, The National Archives (not a very catchy name. They should come up with something with a little more flare) "lost" a computer hard drive which contained sensitive data from the Clinton administration, including Social Security numbers, Secret Service and White House operating procedures, and the truth about the blow job incident. What Clinton doesn't want you to know is that he actually has erectile dysfuntion. The whole Monica Lewinsky thing was just a cover up so people would think he could get it up. Well, the truth's out now. He can't. Realistically, Clinton is probably the one who stole the hard drive to keep this information hidden, but through my many sources I found out the truth.

The other reason Clinton would want the hard drive is so he can have the social security number of one of Al Gore's daughters (it's on there). Which one has yet to be determined. Most people don't know that Clinton has a long standing feud with Al Gore due to the success of An Incovenient Truth. Clinton was never a fan of the environment, and at the first screening of the film, Clinton could be overheard saying, "Bill doesn't curb his green house gas emissions. I'll get you for this, Gore." Apparently he plans on acting as Gore's daughter in some diabolical plan that one can only assume involves sending prank hug-o-grams and such to Gore's home as a means of revenge.

Mega Shark vs Giant

2009-05-17T17:20:00.000-07:00

My good friend Thomas sent me a link to this trailer (although I had already seen it but he probably won't believe me and would want credit) for this movie, and I have to say I have not seen such an accurate film about animals in the wild in quite a long time. This makes March of the Penguins look like Surfs Up. It's refreshing to see a movie portray animals in the wild and showing a side of these wonderful creatures that people rarely get to see. For instance, not many people know that sharks can fly, but as you can see in this trailer, it is obvious that they can (no stunt sharks were used during the filming of this movie). Also, few people know about the octopus' cat like reflexes, as can be seen when the octopus swats at the plane. Sharks and octopuses are also natural enemies, which not many people know as well. The sculpture in the Museum of Natural History (I think) in New York City where the giant squid is fighting the sperm whale is actually based on the many clashes that take place between sharks and octopuses. Why they switched the sperm whale for the shark and the giant squid for the octopus, I do not know. I guess the artist just had a thing for those two wonderful beasts. One little glitch is that the correct name for a shark such as this is the megaladon, but I'll let that one slide for all the other accuracies shown throughout the film.

Got no Job? Got no Healthcare? Here, Have a Boner on the House

2009-05-14T15:49:00.000-07:00

Pfizer, the pharmaceutical company who manufactures such miracle drugs as Lipitor and Celebrex (celebrate Celelebrex, you know the one) has decided to provide 70 of its' most widely used drugs (70? That's a lot of damn drugs. I'll have to do some research on what all of these drugs are and who's using them and report back) for free to people who have lost their jobs and do not have health insurance. Pfizer has said that it will give the drugs away for up to a year to those who have lost their job since January 1st and have been on the Pfizer drug for at least three months.

Now, I think this is a wonderful thing Pfizer is doing because without a job and health insurance many of these people would not be able to afford the drugs they need to live a normal and healthy lifestyle. However, I find it extremely funny that one of the drugs out of the 70 that Pfizer will be giving away is Viagra. Yup, the boner drug. I can just see the commercial for this drug handout now. They could get real Viagra users who have lost their jobs and put their testimonials on tv for all to see. Testimonials such as, "well, I lost my job, but at least I can still get a boner," and "In this economic climate I'm not in the mood to do the nasty nearly as often, but when I am, I'll be ready." What a wonderful story. Warms the soal. Perhaps there will even be extreme cases where a person is laid off and eventually becomes homeless, but he can still get his Viagra. Come to think of it, I can't imagine anything worse than being homeless with a five hour boner.

SPOILER ALERT: TERRIBLE JOKE COMING

Maybe the homeless person can pitch a tent with that boner and then they'll no longer be homeless. Ehhhh.

Why Hello There Spring

2009-05-11T12:14:00.000-07:00

I Just wanted to make a quick shout out to spring. I've been in a shout out mood recently. First it was Suburban Commando, and now it's spring. I just like to give credit where credit's due. Anywho, these are some of the only enjoyable days of the year weather wise, and so soak it all up while you can. The bitter coldness of winter has gone, and it's only a matter of a couple of weeks before the bitter hotness of summer arrives, so enjoy this nice, brisk weather while you can. For my money (I can, and do, buy weather when I'm in the mood) there is no better weather then a sunny day where you can where jeans and t-shirt and feel comfortable, and then at night slip on a zip-up hoodie and be golden. These are the days to frolic in a meadow, pick a daisy, pick two daisies, go searching for four-leafed clovers, unknowingly step into a patch of poison ivy or poison oak, tuck your pants into your socks and go for a hike, make love in an apple orchard, and look up at the stars and wonder what if c-a-t really spelled dog (if you don't get it go out and rent Reveng of the Nerds II: Nerds in Paradise quick). These days of spring are to be cherished, so I hope you're doing some cherishing.

Water For All

2009-05-09T09:42:00.000-07:00

Can you drink dehumidifier water, because if you can I think I just solved earth's clean drinking water issues. All we need to do is set up industrial strength dehumidifiers in the worlds most humid locations (i.e. my house at this current time), suck up that water, and disperse. It's as easy as that.

On second thought, maybe I'll just keep this idea for myself and make mad loot out of it. I'll buy a bunch of dehumidifiers and set them up outside. When they are full, I will bottle that water and sell it to the highest bidder. Done deal. Bingo bango. Jingo jango.

This Ain't Star Trek

2009-05-08T13:26:00.000-07:00

So, it turns out Hustler is coming out with a XXX version of Star Trek called This Ain't Star Trek (good English Flynt). It's an ingenious plan. Create a porno based on a movie that cums out around the same time, a movie which is highly geared towards nerds, a faction of the human race that is also coincidentally highly into porn. A Star Trek porn is a nerds wet dream (so is any sci-fi porn for that matter), and now those nerds can see that dream up on their tv (I'll admit that I am indeed a nerd, but I am no Treky). The only problem is that this trailer is quite possibly the least erotic thing I've ever seen. I get that it's on YouTube and hense no tittes or things of that nature, but this display of eroticism is quite pathetic. I'm of the opinion that if you're going to make a porn that's more than just humping, you should also step up the acting and production values, both of which are obviously missing from this one. Maybe I just hold my pornos up to too high of a standard, but I know that William Shatner and all of the rest of Trekkies will be greatly disappointed by this. My favorite part is when that weirdo with the pony tail yells out, "Khhhaaaaan." Fantastic. Check it out below.

It's a Nice Place to Visit, But I Wouldn't Want to Live There

2009-05-06T12:12:00.001-07:00

I just wanted to make a quick shout out to one of the greatest movies of all time: Suburban Commando. For those that don't know, Suburban Commando is a star-vehicle for Hulk Hogan. Hogan plays Shep Ramsey, an inter-gallactic hero who is forced to take a vacation on planet earth. While there, he is tracked down by, you guessed it, inter-gallactic bounty hunters. Christopher Lloyd plays a troubled father who is unappy at work and is looking to spice up his life with a little adventure. He ends up renting part of his house to Hogan, unaware of the excitement and danger that is in store for him. When it's all said and done, Hogan and Lloyd become best of friends. Check out the trailer below.

Todd's Stories #18

2009-05-04T14:02:00.000-07:00

As a primer for this story, I just want you to know I've always been a fatnastic driver. This was no exception.

One day in sophmore year of high school I was driving to school in order to take place in a romping good badminton match. I was to play my good friend Erik, one of the finest badminton players Byram Hills High School has ever seen. On my way, one of those dumb little mini-buses made a turn onto my street. It turned too wide, and with those Dumbo ear like mirrors it scratched the side of my car. I awkwardly sat in my car and called my mom to come help with the sitch (I was like two houses down from my house). When everything was handled I went and played badminton. I will miss a badminton match for nothing.

A few weeks later, after the damage was totaled and it was obvious it was the buses fault, I received a check from the school for $700. What did I do with that money? Roughly half of it was used to cover up the scratches on my car. Not caring about the scratch on my window which would have called for an entirely new window, I got a new paintball gun with the rest of the money. Done deal.

The moral of the story is if you don't care about your car, car accidents can be quite profitable for your hobbies.

Answer for oneofthebens

2009-05-01T13:50:00.000-07:00

oneofthebens writes:

Hey Wodd,

I love your blog but recently your foul language has caught my attention, two F Bombs in your last two posts! Is this something that will continue, or is it an aberration? I'm fine with it going on but I can no longer show my children your wonderful advice, and if I do it will have to be censored possibly ruining the integrity of your intended words

First off, I'd like to thank you for your love of the Playhouse. Your fanship is much appreciated.

Now let me just say this: I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about. Just joshing! I understand your concern, but I want you to know that it is completely unfounded. I may have upped the ante on foul language, but I do so when it is necessary and emboldens the statements I write. My belief on curses is that they should be used only when they perfectly accentuate the preceding or postceding (is that a word?) statement. Curses, although they may be a staple of a seedy underbelly of society, can add a level of panache that no normal word can match. I would never want to offend any of my readers, especially none of the children whom are so important to our future, but when I feel a curse is going to due one of my beautifully crafted sentences the most justice, then I'm simply going to have to add it. Besides, your children are bound to run into these curse words on a daily basis so they might as well learn the proper usage of them and how to place them within a sentence to gain the most benefit from them.

I hope you see my side of the coin oneofthebens, and I hope my usage of curse words will not turn you off from the Playhouse. I appreciate your loyalty and would never want to hurt you.

Sly on his Grind

2009-04-29T14:23:00.000-07:00

Here's some production footage of Sylvester Stallone getting his grind on as both bad-ass actor and bad-ass director for The Expendables. How you can possibly take this guy seriously and take directions from him is beyond me, but hey, he sure does know about action movies and he sure does grow a nice go-tee. It seems as though everyone is a bit scared of him on the set, and rightfully so. He also seems quite amped about the movie, and so am I. Plus, seeing Eric Roberts and Stone Cold run together is like magic happening right before my eyes.

Note: I have no idea why one would respond, "That's sex" when seeing a plane fly over head with gas coming out of one of its' engines. Do you?

Trying to Steal From Dolph? Are You Fucking Kidding Me?

2009-04-28T16:34:00.000-07:00

According to my sources, several burglars broke into Dolph Lundgren's place in Spain. Apparently, they even tied up and tormented Dolph's wife. However, when they realized that the housed belonged to Mr. Lundgren after seeing a picture of him in the bedroom, they peaced that place quicker than Dolph's right jab.

Although I can't believe that there is any actual proof that upon seeing said picture the burglars ran off in fear, it is not a very far fetched conclusion. If I broke into a house (which I would never do because I am upstanding citizen) only to discover that it belonged to Dolph Lundgren aka Ivan Drago aka He-Man aka Frank Castle aka GR13, ya God damn right I'd leave that place. Have you seen Universal Soldier? That mother fucker can track down anything. Plus, he's a gigantic Russian. Not someone I want to mess with.

The Three Fs of Dancing

2009-04-26T12:44:00.000-07:00

While poppin' and lockin' it with my good friend Vin, brother of the late great Azindon Morrone, we came up with the three main steps needed to be a good dancer. Once we discovered these three easy steps we, with our good pal Steven, spread the word like lighting so others too could be fantastic dancers. The three steps are very easy but work like magic. The first thing you have to do is Find the beat. You listen. You get into it. Then, you Feel the beat. You really start vibin. You find the core, the bass thumping center of that tunage, and when you're finally ready you take it to the final F of the process: you Fuck the beat. It's as simple as that. You Find the beat. You Feel the beat. You Fuck the beat. Bingo bango. Done deal. You're breaking hearts.

Answer for Jorge

2009-04-23T11:40:00.001-07:00

Jorge writes:

BOD,

If you had to choose one of these two diseases to contract which would it be? A disease where you have a uncontrollable bad odor after 5pm or a disease where you lose all the hair on your body and it never comes back.

BTW, your BOD-y is a wonderland.

First off, let me thank you Jorge for complimenting my bod. Anyone who quotes John Mayer while talking about me, especially while talking about my body, is ok by me. That John Mayer sure does have a way with words.

As for your question, I'd say I'd lose all the hair on my body before having uncontrollable bad odor after 5pm. Firstly, since I assume the head and facial hair are excluded from the hair loss, at least I would look normal to unsuspecting bystanders. If I had to lose my eye brows that would be a whole nother story, but since I don't, I'd take the hair loss. Plus, in this day and age I could get surgically transplanted hair where I wanted it all over my body. Body plugs are the newest rage, and I would surely hop on that bus. I could get like tiger hair surgically inplanted on my chest. Pretty bad-ass if you ask me. If not, I could always become a swimmer, and as such have a logical explanation as to why I have no body hair. I admit having no real body hair would be creepy, but smelling bad is the pits, and when that bad smell isn't just coming from your pits, it's even worse. I suppose you could cover it up a bit with eau de toilette, but I don't want to smell like an eighth grade boy getting ready for the big dance for the rest of my life (I won't take this smell covering up where you think I'll take it. That's just mean.) Being the smelly kid is terrible, and being the smelly grown man I would imagine would be that much worse. At least you'd smell ok for the work day, but after that your social life, like your chances of ever getting a girl again, would be gone.

Todd's Dreams #5

2009-04-22T13:43:00.000-07:00

So, last night I had one of the better/weirder/scarier dreams of my life. I don't recollect it in its' entirity, but the parts that I do remember are fantastic, so enjoy.

I was in this sort of warehouse and I guess I was on like this police task force. We were going in to capture Jon Voight, for what reason I cannot recall. We stood up from behind crates and there he was, all by his lonesome, or so we thought. As we approached him, his men hidden in the corner of the room stood up and lit up all of my fellow taskforce people and everyone was left dead except myself and Jon Voight. I put up my gun to Jon Voight and said it was over, at which point he attacked me and bit off my nose. That was the end of that chapter of my dream.

Apparently that same day was my sister's wedding. I had to go the wedding sans nose, and to save myself from the embarassment, I kept my hand covering where my nose would be so that no one could see that my nose was no longer there and that I was bleeding. I don't know if I started to realize I was in a dream or something, but at some point I started thinking that maybe my nose wasn't bitten off and that I just thought it was. I was scared, but I put my hand up to my nose, and low and behold it was still attached to my face. I then woke up touching my nose. It was still there in real life as well.

("Check out my rosy cheeks!")

Nonetheless

2009-04-22T13:33:00.000-07:00

What's the deal with nonetheless being one word? Weird. Speaking of weird, what's the deal with the e before the i in weird? That also is weird. Thoughts?

Rocky vs. Drago vs. Jet Li vs. The Monkey King? You Got It

2009-04-21T13:14:00.000-07:00

That's right folks, even more Expendables updates. I'm not one to endulge in spoilers for films because I like to be as shocked as possible about what is going to happen in a film, but when Dolph Lundgren speaks, I listen. According to Dolph, "I play a mercenary who's part of Sly's team." Seeing Dolph and Sly team it up on the big screen is not nearly the good part (although it sure as shit is good). Dolph goes on to say, "[My character] ends up getting fired by Stallone. Later in the picture, some other sinister character trying to get back at Sly and his people, hires me to take him out. Because I need the money, I do it. There's a showdown between me, him and Jet Li." What? Are you serious? A show down between Dolph, Sly, and Jet Li? It just doesn't get much better than that (Let the record show that Jet Li played The Monkey King in The Forbidden Kingdom).

Todd's Stories #17

2009-04-18T17:54:00.000-07:00

This is a recently learned Todd's Story and definitely not one that I remember, but also definitely worthy of retelling. As a child I had rather bad asthmar. That part I knew. What I didn't know was that when it got really bad I had to take this liquid stuff which contained steroids in it. For those not in the inhaler club, most asthma inhalers do indeed contained an inhaled steroid, but the liquid form is way different and way more potent. This was at the age of four. So, apparently, I would basically get roid-rage at the age of four. After taking said liquid steroid asthma healer (like once every few months, not a big deal) I would get really angry and be a huge pain in the ass and throw major temper-tantrums. After these episodes I would basically crash and start crying. Absolutely hilarious.

The moral of the story is, as in many other Todd's Stories, Todd was a sick child. This also explains why Todd is so ripped. It does not explain his overall calm demeanor.

Lou, What Were You Thinking?

2009-04-15T16:29:00.001-07:00

I don't care how cuddily he may seem, how goofy he may be, how many times he may dance with the "Jabawakeez," how many times he may talk in the first person, how many times he pretends he's playing ShaqFu, how many times he yells out, "I am Kazaaaam!," you do not pull a prank on Shaqulle O'Neal. It's just not a smart idea. I guess Lou Amundson didn't get that memo, because he did just that. As excellent as his prank was, it could not possibly be worth the reign of terror that I can only imagine Shaq is about to throw down on Lou. I wouldn't put it past Shaq to come out for practice one day and have on his entire costume from Steel and start shooting shit at Lou with his hammer. That's just how Shaq gets down. He's a goof, and you just have to live with it. Plus, why would you tell anyone that you did this? You have to enjoy it on your own, and that's it. If you're going to pull a prank on Shaq you better get away clean. You leave behind no evidence and you tell no one. But Shaq knows it was you Lou, and you better watch your back. As Shaq himself says, "Payback is a female dog," and you can take that to the bank and cash it Lou, and you better cash it quick and enjoy it because Shaq is soon to retaliate.

Note: I love how Shaq gets all these people to clean his car for him. I can imagine Shaq, upon seeing his car filled with this shit, going, "Ahh hell nah, Shaq don't clean up his own car. Yo, Pepe, clean this shit up for me," and walking away. That's how Shaq rolls.

Answer for Little girl from the picture

2009-04-13T13:17:00.001-07:00

Little girl from the picture writes:

Hi Todd!

Remember me? I remember you! I saw you every year when you came to my house and tried to find me. You scared me a little, starring for what seemed like hours while Erik and your other friends wrestled. But I'll bet not as much as I scared you! It was fun, being there sometimes, hiding from you shortly after. You were always one of my favorites. You made me a little mad though from time to time, going on about that pretty video game character. Don't make me angry, Todd, or you never know where I'll turn up next. So I was wondering, where does looking for me rank among the scariest moments of your life? How about a top 5 or top 10 list?Thanks! I'll be watching.

Yours always,
Little girl from the picture

First off, this is the most well written question I have yet to receive, so I congratulate you on that. Second off, this is very girl like written, which is impressive since I know a guy had to have written it, unless this is Mrs. Wilhelmsson or something because that's the only woman who may know what this is about.

For those of you that aren't in the know, the little girl from the picture is in reference to a picture that was in our dear friend Erik Wilhelmsson's house. Every year for birthday time Erik would have a sleepover party at his house, and there, waiting, would be this picture. It was a creepy picture with this girl in it that always seemed to move around (if I remember correctly). If you've ever seen the episode of Are You Afraid of the Dark? where people get trapped in paintings, it is the exact same thing. Anway, this question did indeed catch me off gaurd and I could not quite figure out what it was referencing, but when I did the memories came flooding back.

In truth, looking for you, Little girl from the picture, never really scared me because I am not a wuss (sometimes). I have indeed been scared by completely irrational things, but this was not one of them. However, I will still conduct a top 5 scarey moments in my life list nonetheless. Admittedly, none of them are all that scarey. I haven't had very many encounters with fear, not only because I am a man, but because I simply haven't had many fear enducing events take place in my life. Sure, I've been scared from movies and such, but not many events have been all that memorable. That being said, the list is a bit dull, but I'll see what I can do to spice it up.

5. Santa Claws. When I was a wee-lad my parents took me to see Santa Clause and he, rightfully so being this jolly old fat man, scared the crap out me and made me cry for many a hour. Needless to say, no picture was ever taken of me with ol' St. Nick. Note: I do not remember this event, just the recounting of it by my parents.

4. The skunk at the garbage bags. One night after a wedding was held at my old house and there was a large amount of garbage bags outside, I went to take out the last one. When I went to place the garbage bag with the rest of them, there waiting for me was a skunk! The fear of being sprayed and smelling like ass and burnt rubber scared me and sent me running back inside, shrieking all the way.

3. The bat behind the shudder. Bats are one of the few creatures I'm not too cool with. They're super gross and I'm not a big fan of getting rabies shots. So you could imagine my suprise when, while removing a shudder from outside of my old house, I found a bat waiting for me behind it. As in the skunk incident, the bat sent me running back inside, shrieking all the way.

2. Where are the Kellys? This is sadder than it is scarey. One night while playing man-hunt with my good friends the Kellys (at their old house with a rather large back yard filled with woods and such) I simply could not find any of them. For what seemed like hours I searched hopelessly in the dark for any member of the Kelly family in hiding. I walked far outside the borders of the game looking for them, still with no avail. I finally, frightened and cold, walked back to the house screaming for them to come out. They were all huddled near the house and laughed at me upon my return. Oh how my feelings were hurt.

1. Fire in the Sky. I saw the movie Fire in the Sky at around the age of ten (complete guess), an age far too young to see such a scarey as fuck movie. It's based on a true story, and when you're of such a young age that pretty much means it's true, which inturn makes it significantly scarier. If that wasn't bad enough, after the movie was done my brother and his friend, who are 6 years older than me, insisted on playing hide and go seek outside in the dark. I did, and of course had to search first. When I found my brother he was hiding in the bushes bobbing back and forth with his hat on backwards. "Russell, Russell, is that you?" I asked. No answer. "Russell, I got you, you're out." No answer. Finally, I went in for a closer look at exactly the same time he decided to jump out and scare the shit out of me. Not fun. Game over. I went inside and I imagine could not fall asleep for quite some time.

If any readers out there want to share some of their past scarey moments feel free to in the comments section.

Bo Knows the Obamas

2009-04-12T16:34:00.000-07:00

I have a quick question for you. Why does everyone care what dog the Obamas get? I really don't understand the fascination of the Obamas pet life. I get it, you're the first family, and he is the first dog. That does not make me interested at all to know what pet you own. I'd be more interested if a friend or family member got a new puppy so I could go play with it. So, news, see what you can do about updating me on any recent pet purchases by my friends and family so that I can go play with the animal rather than simply seeing it on the tv screen, cause that's no fun.

In case you didn't know, this post comes off the recent news that Senator Edward "Ted" Kennedy gave the Obamas a portugese water dog for their first pet, and they named it Bo, presumably after Bo Jackson (actually named after Michelles uncle who was nicknamed Diddley, i.e. Bo Diddley). Now I have nothing against portugese water dogs nor their non-allergenic hair, and I understand that we are trying to be all "internationally friendly" and all, but a portugese water dog? Come on? Couldn't you have gotten an American dog? An American bulldog perhaps (that's the only American dog I know, and it's all that I care to know, thank you. Chance from Homeward Bound was a great dog and much more deserving of the White House than Bo ever will be.) I just think we're sending the wrong signal to other nations with this dog. We shouldn't be relying on other nations for our cars, our food, our manufactured goods, or our pets. I want my dogs, just like everything else, from America. So can't we all just tell Sasha or Malia Anne or whoever is allergic to dogs to suck it up and take one for their country, cause that's what a real American would do, and even Bo Knows that.

Answer for Weiner Schnitzel

2009-04-09T12:09:00.000-07:00

Weiner Schnitzel writes:

Bod,
If you were in a serious relationship and you noticed your girlfriend was letting herself go how would you approach solving that problem? I don't care how comfortable you are with someone, thats hard to say. However, I feel it is unfair to your partner if you let yourself go because physical attraction is a big part of a healthy relationship. So please let me know how you would approach this, whether its just tell her or more subtle ways. Thanks.

Definitely a difficult situation, and it is a fine line you must dance or you will definitely end up in the dog house. I think (/I know) the answer to your question depends not only on your girlfriend's phsyical status, but your own as well. I'm going to have to assume that you are probably not in tip-top shape because a) if you were your girlfriend would be less likely to let herself go, and b) your name is Weiner Schnitzel. I've never met a skinny weiner schnitzel lover before. As such, your problem my be solved as easily as doing a little working out yourself. When your girlfriend sees you taking care of your body she will be inclined to do the same. Or you could ask her to go for a walk or some other physical activity together with her, and make it a regular occurrence. You'll spend enjoyable time with your girlfriend, all the while getting her and yourself in better shape. Another tactic you may try depending on your living situation is to make more home cooked meals. You can control the amount of calories you serve and make a healthier meal. If you cook with your girlfriend you could also spend some quality time together making a deliciously healthy meal.

If you're in good shape and your girlfriend is indeed "letting herself go," you may have to buck up and say something. It is a conversation that no man wants to have, but if you find yourself becoming less and less attracted to your girlfriend, for the sake of the relationship it is a convo that must be had. If you truly care for one another one painful converation is much better than the even more painful slow drifting apart that will occurr otherwise. You just have to remember to be as nice as possible about it and make her realize you are only saying this stuff because you care for her and you want the relationship to work. It is by no means an easy task and will almost definitely not go well, but you gotta do what you gotta do. Good luck and God speed.

Answer for oneofthebens

2009-04-08T10:14:00.000-07:00

oneofthebens writes:

Have you seen he bodysnake yet?

Nice, quick, and simple question. I like it. I have now seen the bodysnake, but that was only after you posted this question. For those of you unfamiliar with the bodysnake, check this out:

I would certainly never order a bodysnake because of the sheer ridiculousness of it, but it's actually a pretty good idea. I myself use a liquid body wash, along with a regular old loofah, and without someone there to do the washing for me I simply can't get to those hard to reach places. I would imagine those of you using bar soap have the same issue. The bodysnake seems to solve that issue, and solve it well. It's probably a bit excessively large, but aren't most things these days?

I think way funnier than the bodysnake is the foot scrubber that comes along with it. That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen. As if cleaning your feet was super difficult before. And not to be vulgar or anything, but it's kind of like your stepping into a vagina or something. Not something I'm interested in doing. So stupid.

The Future of Uncool Travel

2009-04-07T13:14:00.000-07:00

If you want to save gas and money, and all the while look like as big of a dork as possible, well then the future is bright for you. Introducing the P.U.M.A.:

The P.U.M.A. (Personal Urban Mobility & Accessibility, pretty wack) is the end result of a collaboration between General Motors and Segway (if you couldn't tell, seeing as this is basically a two-standed Segway with a sneeze guard.) This bad boy reaches a top speed of 35 m.p.h. and takes only 3 hours and 35 cents to charge. Although this is indeed a very economical and eco-friendly means of travel, it would also be quite embarassing to be seen "driving" one of these. Not to mention you are arguably safer riding a bicycle. Plus, unless you are dating a hippy, this might not be the best way to pick up a girl for a date. But who knows, maybe your date would love feeling like they are riding the Spaceship 3000 and would enjoy the adventure. Road head would be impossible though. Bummer.

Gary Coleman on White People

2009-04-06T14:27:00.001-07:00

In case you had any doubts, Gary Coleman does not like white people. Gary is obviously one of the angriest people on this planet, and while being interviewed about the upcoming film Midgets vs. Mascots, Gary admitted his distaste for white people. My favorite part is when he is talking about racist white people as he's dressed in an Elvis costume (who was white by the way.) Priceless. Check it out, as well as the unrated (uh-oh) trailer of Midgets vs. Mascots which is premiering at the Tribeca Film Festival. It is the most ridiculous looking film/premise I have ever seen, and how it got accepteed to the Tribeca Film Festival one can only imagine.

Todd's Dreams #4

2009-04-05T12:25:00.001-07:00

Last night I had a dream where I had Heely like shoes, but they were like eight years old. They were black and neon green and the wheel in the heel of the shoe was slightly off center and was neon green. My mother and I were throwing out old stuff and I found these shoes and did not remember ever owning them. They still fit and so I wore them and was very excited about it. End of dream.

I need no help deciphering this dream. It shows I desperately want a pair of Heelys and wish I was good with them. It shows I wish I had dope old school shoes. And shows how embarassing it is that my feet have grown so little in the last ten years.

This Just In

2009-04-01T15:45:00.001-07:00

This just in! Todder's Playhouse is not the funniest, cleverest, wittiest, and most entertaining blog on the internet!

April Fool's! It is.

Make Mother/Child Bonding as Creepy as Possible!

2009-04-01T15:34:00.000-07:00

You know Snuggies, right? Those stupid looking blankets with sleeves that you secretly, deep-down, yearn to have. Well, consider this the Snuggie for a parent carrying their child who, while staying as warm and cozy as possible, wants to draw as much attention to themselves and as many looks of horror as possible. Behold. The Peekaru (like peekaboo, but with ru instead of boo).

This is not a joke. I repeat. This is not a joke, or at least not one that I am in on. If it is a joke, I just got owned, but I don't think it's a joke.

If you want to look like you're giving birth to your child from your chest, then this is for you. If you want to feel what it's like to have one of those aliens from the movie Alien pop out of your chest without all the pain and horror (well, maybe some of the horror), this is for you. If you want your baby to feel like Jim Carrey when he is escaping out of the rhino-robot's butt in Ace Venture 2: When Nature Calls, then this is for you. To put it simply, if you want to look like a creep fest, but a snuggly, warm, and comfortable creep fest, then this is for you.

Answer for Mince Meat

2009-03-29T16:35:00.000-07:00

Mince Meat writes:

Growing up, some of my favorite comedic actors were Jim Carrey, Adam Sandler, Chris Farley, Mike Myers, Ben Stiller and Chris Rock. A new crop of actors are starting to come in and make consistently funny movies. Who do you think the top 5 comedic actors are right now? Obviously some of the ones I listed are still current and can be used if you feel they're still in the top 5. Thanks, Bod

I wouldn't consider any of these actors the top 5 comedic actors any more. Jim Carrey is still great, but he mostly does for-realsies movies now and hasn't been in a good comedy in quite some time (crossing our fingers for The Three Stooges). Adam Sandler is a joke. Perhaps Funny People will be good, but that's his only chance at getting back on top of the comedy game without screaming, "Yippidy Doo" at people. Chris Farley is RIP. Mike Myers did The Love Guru. Ben Stiller knows what funny is, but he himself is not all that funny. And I don't know why Chris Rock is still so angry, he's really rich. Comedy is a game that is hard to stay on top of. The top comedian actors go in and out like a revolving door (thanks Crazy Town), and it is rare for the same actor to be the best for a long period of time. With that in mind, I give you my current top 5.

5. Will Ferrell. As little as a year ago he probably would have been higher on this list, but he hasn't made much as of late. However, he helped bring about a whole new bunch of comedians into the game, and The Land of the Lost looks fantastic. He consistently plays the same character, but he plays that character down to the t, and it never gets old.

4. Danny McBride. Like a younger, more white trash version of Will Ferrell, his stock has been on the rise since Will Ferrell saw The Foot Fist Way. Since then he has had terrific roles in Pineapple Express and Tropic Thunder, as well as being the lead in the hilarious HBO show Eastbound and Down, of which he is also a writer. Coming up, he is a co-star in the aforementioned The Land of the Lost, and I also hear we may be seeing him fight a minotaur sometime in the future. That sounds fantastic.

3. Seth Rogen. The ubiquitous comedy actor has been on a role lately, and everything he is in is hilarious and a box-office success. However, now that he is thin in preparation for his role in The Green Hornet, he is not nearly as funny. Fat is way funnier than skinny, and you can take that to the bank and cash it.

2. Jason Segel. I've enjoyed the work of Jason Segel ever since his role as a sex-feend in Slackers, and although there was a rather large gap between that role and his current streak of successful movies and television shows, he has only gotten stronger. He was terrific in Knocked Up. He was terrific in Forgetting Sarah Marshall. And he was terrific in I Love You, Man. Plus, anyone who is willing to show their fat naked body to millions of people is ok by me.

1. Paul Rudd. Although Paul Rudd has only recently become an A-list comedic actor, his dues have long been paid and he is now reeking the benifits. He is not only #1 on this list because he is indeed hilarious, but because of his ability to work with all the different big comedy factions. He is able to go seemlessly between smaller films and "gigs" with the boys of Wet Hot American Summer (not including Wain's Role Models, which was indeed big), to movies with the Ferrell squad, and now more recently with the Apatow gang, and he is terrific in them all.

I probably didn't think of some people, so if you have additions or would like to argue the order of my top 5, feel free to do so in the comments section.

Beards Etc

2009-03-28T12:02:00.000-07:00

Good news. Beards Etc. is back up and running. I have no idea what the malfunctioning was due to, but if you have not and would like to see some glorious facial hair, check it out.

http://www.comportal.villanova.edu/multimedia_classes/S08/todde/beardsetc.html

Top 5 Swords

2009-03-28T09:51:00.000-07:00

After a rousing coversation with some of my mates last night, I decided to write a post about the top 5 swords of all time. The sword is a brilliant battle weapon, and there have been many glorious blades throughout time and film. Whether it be used to slice off limbs, used as intimidation, or simply used to slice a piece of meat, the sword has huge cultural significance, and these are some of the best swords of all time. This list does not have to be exclusive to film, but that is where they all come from because I couldn't really think of others.

5. The curved sword that Morgan Freeman throws in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves to kill the witch. Unlike nearly all other swords, the sword held by Azeem was curved, giving it an even higher level of intimidation, and with Morgan Freeman wielding it, it is a match made in heaven. That toss by Freeman with the sword hitting the witch right in the back solidified its' place in the top five.

4. That long-ass sword Mel Gibson uses in Braveheart. The longest sword of the bunch and probably the sword to shed the most blood, William Wallace's sword was a blade to be reckoned with. It was like a four foot long blade. That's ridiculously unnecessary. Who wouldn't be scared of that?

3. The Hattori Hanzo sword from Kill Bill. Cuts through other swords. Cuts through limbs like they were warm butter. Scalps a bitch like nobodies business. 'Nuff said.

2. Narsil, broken and reforged as Anduril, the sword that was broken in Lord of the Rings. The sword that cuts off the one ring from the hand of Sauron, later to be reforged to wield an army of ghosts and lead the land of middle earth to freedom. No other sword has such a rich history, exept for perhaps the number 1.

*2. Our good friend Hoolanio reminded me of another sword, a non-film sword, that definitely would have been my #2 if I had thought of it, and so I had to make it #2 with an asterisk. However, I did not want to remove Morgan Freeman's crooked sword because the sword already got its' hopes up and I'd hate to hurt its' feelings. My real #2 would have been The Master Sword, The Blade of Evil's Bane, The Heroe's Sword, the sword that Link uses time and time again to repel the evil of Ganon and save the day in The Legend of Zelda. The most important weapon in arguably the best gaming franchise of all time should have been my #2 all along, and I feel a fool for not having originally put it. Thanks Hoolanio.

1. Excalibur. Bad-ass name. Bad-ass sword. A rich history is for certain, however, it is a merky history. Many believe Excalibur was placed in a stone by the sorcerer Merlin. Merlin put it into the stone because he did not want its' power to be used by someone with the wrong intentions, so in the stone it stayed, awaiting its rightful owner. Years later, Arthur, later King Arthur, came about and removed the sword from the stone, and with Excalibur he lead his army to many victories and was a glorious king. It is also said that Arthur received Excalibur from the Lady in the Lake, and while wielding it he could not be mortally wounded. No other sword has such a legendary past, and no sword ever shall.

Note: I did not include the light saber on the list because I thought it shouldn't really count as a sword. Plus, there are too many light sabers to choose from. Also, Blade's sword from the Blade Trilogy was up there, but got knocked off last second by Morgan Freeman's sword. Leonardo's sword from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were not included because he never actually kills anyone with them. They must be blunt or something cause he only ever trips people with them. If you would like to dispute my list, or just mention other classic swords, feel free to in the comments section.

Where the Wild Todds Are

2009-03-26T13:03:00.000-07:00

The title of this post has nothing to do with how wild I am or where you can find more wild Todd's, I just didn't want to straight up name it Where the Wild Things Are. Plus, I love shouting myself out. At any rate, our good friend odonnellMONSTER requested a post about the new Where the Wild Things Are trailer, and since I am never one to let down a fan, that is what I am going to do.

First off, I'd like to state that Where the Wild Things Are was one of my favorite children's books growing up, even though it gave me many sleepless nights. I don't care how friendly those fucking things are, they're still scarey as shit. Despite this, Where the Wild Things Are is one of the most beloved children's books of all time, not just by me but by the entire world (yes, even in Belarus, where this may be more than a fictional story.) Seeing as how it so wonderful, it is definitely worthy of a big screen adventure, and it couldn't be in better hands than the hands of Spike Jonze, the director behind such wierd-ass films as Adaptation and Being John Malkolvich. Judging by the trailer, Where the Wild Things Are seems similar to those two films tonally, and although they are all very different, they are all wacked out stories with a dark side and crazy creative.

That's enough of that. As far as the trailer goes, you can check that out below. And if you didn't get enough Spike Jonze, check out the sweet ass music video he did below that.

As far as other children's stories that should be turned into movies go, my list is as follows.

1. Henry and Mudge. I know we all saw that coming, but come on, a story about boy-dog comradory never gets old.

2. Who Stole My Hairy Toe? I don't know if that is actually the name of the book, but it is super scarey and made my brother cry on several occassions, and any story that can do that is ok with me.

3. Are You My Mother? Sad, yet gripping. An emotional roller-coaster.

4. The Very Young Caterpillar. A story of maturation and growth. Beautiful.

5. Harry: The Dirty Dog. A lost dog must find his way home. Gut-wrenching.

That's it. There are of course more, but I'll let you add some in the comments section.

Answer for oneofthebens

2009-03-23T13:20:00.000-07:00

oneofthebens writes:

How much internet traffic does one need before they can actually put up annoying ads on the side of their site?

I'm fairly positive that with this question you are straight up calling me out on my ads on the side of my page, which is fine. Although I don't think my ads are annoying, nor are they in any way lucrative, I understand the complaint, if it is indeed a complaint. Normally I would say you need a pretty good amount of "traffic" (maybe a thousand views a day) in order to deem annoying ads worthy of being on the page. As for my site, I am no where near, "a pretty good amount of 'traffic'", and as such I haven't really earned the right (nor earned any money) to have annoying ads. That being said, I also find it comical to have ads on my site considering they produce zero revenue for me. Plus, it's interesting to see what ads Google AdSense places on my webpage, and what they come up with is often quite funny, i.e. Van Damme toys, puberty pills, and the like. However, when the day comes where my blog explodes, I'll be well prepared and rolling in the dough.

In case you were wondering, no amount of traffic should give a site owner the right to put up those like page encompassing ads where you can't tell where the ad ends and the page begins. Those are the pits. Also, pop-ups should never be used by anyone, nor should those ads that you need to click "skip" to get by. Those are super annoying as well.

35 Things Funnier than Dane Cook

2009-03-22T15:52:00.001-07:00

Our good friend odonnellMONSTER came up with this idea and we ran with it. The following list is 35 things funnier than Dane Cook. Just remember that the number is arbitrary because we could have done this all night. Enjoy.

1. hybrid fruits
2. Kazaam
3. Steel
4. Shaq-Fu
5. PT Cruisers
6. DMX's gospel album
7. the name "Harry"or other names that give you a false impression or too much information about someone
8. glee clubs
9. the sport of curling
10. fat people in small shorts
11. fat people
12. the unfortunate success of asher roth's "I love college"
13. tiny instruments
14. pearl harbor
15. polio
16. Howie Mendel's soul patch
17. Howie Mendel's lack of humor
18. Howie Mendel on "Bobby's World"
20. oversized lemons
21. bike helmets
22. Carrot Top's standup routine
23. My Best Friends Girl
24. geocentrism
25. whip-its
26. pretending to talk on a shoe phone
27. talking bears
28. using trebuchet's as a form of communication
29. olestra
30. excessive use of emoticons
31. alternating back and forth between capital and lower case letters
32. calling mayonnaise sandwich lube
33. most extreme primate
34. domesticating animals that should be extinct, i.e. hamsters
35. calling killer whales orcas

This isn't difficult, so feel free to share any others you may have.

Answer for Greg

2009-03-20T13:41:00.000-07:00

Greg writes:

Bod,I recently met a beautiful girl and I could tell she was into me. As I talked with her more and joked around I realized she had the most annoying/gross laugh ever created. It was somehow ear piercing and flemmy at the same time. She is real hot but it was a unbelievable turn-off. I found myself not wanting to make her laugh to avoid hearing it. What are your top 3 turn-offs in women? Thanks.

First off, I'd like to congratulate you on getting said hot girl to be "into" you. That's always the most difficult part, so good work. Secondly, I have to tell you, I don't think I've ever thought about this before so I am not prepared with any sort of list, but we'll I see what I can do on the fly. By the by, I'm not going to count this annoying laugh on my list cause that's a bit of a cop out on my part, but if I had thought of that on my own that could quite likely have made the list.

The first on my list would have to be a lack of sense of humor. If a girl doesn't think I'm funny or doesn't laugh at my jokes or just has a dim-witted sense of humor, she's outta here. If I could equate my life to a game of lazer tag for a moment, having people laugh at my jokes is like when you stick your gun in that hole and you hear the sound, "boooweeep." It is my energizer, and being with a girl that can't laugh with me is like me just sitting there, hearing, "energize, energize, energize," all day long in my ear.

The second turn off on my list is uptightness. I'm not the most, as A-Rod would put it, "loosey-goosey" person on the planet, but I do like to, when the occassion calls for, let loose and have a good time. If a girl cannot do this she is taken down many a notch on my list. I frequently make a rather large fool of myself, and a girl who doesn't want to be around me when I'm doing such things or cannot join in on the foolishness, well she's just not going to last very long.

A final turn off on my list is an excessive knowledge of sports. I feel like most guys like it when girls know a lot about sports, but for some reason that is generally not the case with me. I like it if the girl has a general knowledge about sports or has certain teams that she follows, that's fine. However, to follow sports religiously and really have an extensive knowledge of statistics and things of that nature just does not do it for me.

That's my list. Let me know what you think Greg, and let me know what you think all readers of Todder's Playhouse, male and female alike.

Answer for Jasper

2009-03-18T16:35:00.000-07:00

Jasper writes:

If you had to give up one of these things for the rest of your life, which would you choose? Facial Hair, Cereal or Movies.

Very good question Jasper, although I believe that question mark belongs at the end of the sentence rather than after choose. I of course could be wrong, in which case this is still a humorous intro.

At any rate, of the three, movies is the one I'm least likely to give up. Although if I did give it up I'd probably become much more educated, I'd miss out on many social outings as well as being an outsider on any movie conversations. I'd also be really bored and probably think I was better than everyone else because I didn't watch movies, regardless of whether or not I gave it up on my own.

That leaves us with facial hair and cereal. I really do enjoy a good bowl of cereal. It's a simple and quick breakfast and involves no brain power whatsoever in its' preparation. Not to mention it makes a great snack at any point during the day. Facial hair, on the other hand, can be a nuisance. I do indeed hate shaving, but I wouldn't be who I am today if it were not for my ridiculous facial hair. Also, how am I supposed to look cool or trendy without a little bit of stubble. It's impossible. Plus, if I want to look older I'd have no means of doing so. With these arguments in mind, I think I'd have to give up cereal. I could still have oatmeal, and, although it would be more time consuming, I'd probably end up having a heartier breakfast.

MacGyver 2.0

2009-03-16T12:33:00.000-07:00

If you like making explosives with a tooth pick and some chewing gum or picking locks with a blade of grass and some fresh morning dew drops, then you should love this news. Coming soon (by soon I mean I have no idea when) to a theater near you is MacGyver the film. Hopefully whoever they cast will have as terrific of a mullet as Richard Dean Anderson (as seen below). That guy simply had a terrific head of hair. For those of you who don't know who MacGyver is, you don't know what you're missing (literally, since you don't know who MacGyver is). Anyway, check out the clip from below and try to be not excited about the prospect of seeing that on the big screen. I know I can't.

Answer for Fabian

2009-03-13T14:00:00.000-07:00

Fabian writes:

Bod,
I'd like to switch it up from the weirdo questions you've been answering lately and talk sports. Who would you choose as the MVP of the NBA this year at this point. The general consensus is that it's between Kobe, Lebron and most recently Wade was added to the list. I realize a lot can change in the next few months but I wanted to see what Bod says. Thanks man

This is probably the most serious question I have ever gotten. Not like the ebola virus or brush fires serious, but serious in the fact that I have no way to make this comedic. I'm not really known for my sports commentary, nor am I the most educated in sports statistics, however, I ostricize (wierd word, possibly named after how the ostrich is made fun of by all other birds?) no Todder's Playhouse reader and as such will give you the best answer I can come up with.

As of recent, I would have to give the MVP award to D-Wade. I would give him the award not only for his ability to change NBA band-aid rules, but because he has been simply filling up the highlight reel as of late. He kind of slid off of the NBA super-star list after the last two seasons, and the Heat fell with him, but he is obviously back with a vengeance this year. I don't want to reference stats because that's not my style, but he is averaging, like, a lot of points. His team may have the worst record of the three, but he also has arguably the worst supporting cast of the three teams (the Lakers having easily the best, and the Cavs also not so good). While none of the three teams would be nearly as good without their retrospective stars, the Heat would be no where near playoff contention if not for what D-Wade has been doing as of late. With respect to the other players, Kobe Bryant is having a terrific year and doing a great job leading his Bynum-less Lakers to the best record in the NBA and has already clinched a playoff spot, while Lebron James is a man-child and will be the most dominant player in the NBA for the next 7-10 years. However, D-Wade has stepped up his game big time down the stretch and is making the Heat a force to be reckoned with.

Note: If my heart had been doing the talking, all it would be saying would be, "Alonzo Mourning, Alonzo Mourning, Alonzo Mourning." I don't care that he retired, he deserves it.

None of These People Are Expendable

2009-03-13T12:52:00.000-07:00

I know I've written enough about The Expendables and I know that my enthusiasm is oozing through the pages (if you printing the blog out and reading it, otherwise I guess it's oozing through the screen) but I am dedicated to giving you every update I come across, and that is what I shall do. The newest members to join the team of expendables are Charisma Carpenter of Angel fame and Steve Austin of And that's the bottom line 'cause Stone Cold said so fame.

So, so far, we have Sylvester Stallone, Forest Whitiker, Arnold, Jet Li, Mickey Rourke, Jason Statham, Eric Roberts, Dolph Lundgren, Danny Trejo, Randy Couture, and now Stone Cold Steve Austin and Charisma Carpenter. Who could be next? Wesley "Drop Zone" Snipes? Steven "Under Siege" Seagal? Bolo "Bloodsport" Yueng? Stay tuned to find out.

A Story That Probably Should Have Ended

2009-03-09T14:40:00.000-07:00

According to "my" sources, there are a couple of production companies interested in developing a remake to one of the best children stories and films of all time, The Neverending Story. Originally released in 1984, The Neverending Story was one of the original sci-fi children's story, and a masterpiece in its' own right. Two of the companies said to be in the vying for the remake are Kennedy/Marshall Co. and Leo DiCap's Appian Way.

As much as I love The Neverending Story, I don't know if I can bare to see it remade. It is a classic of legendary proportions, and one that may lose its' charm if made into a big budget, wack-ass children's movie. I don't want to see The Neverending Story be taken down the road of your Eragon's, your Stardust's, your Golden Compassii. That is, I don't want what is an awesome story being cornified and ligthened up for mass audiences. I also don't want to see it dumbed-down for dumbass children who can't handle a scary story. Although The Neverending Story is a children's story, it's dark as shit, and that better not be compromised. Besides, how can you make this look any better, even with modern technology?

Note: I do not support The Neverending Story II nor III.

Also, for your viewing pleasure, one of the greatest songs of all time. Enjoy.

Answer for Anonyous (Ryan Edmund Burke & Whitney Richelle Davis0

2009-03-08T14:08:00.000-07:00

Anonymous (Ryan Edmund Burke & Whitney Richelle Davis) said...

I have a medical question that maybe you or Lon might be able to help me with. I fear there may be a dragon living inside my stomach. Thoughts?

Yo, I think that might just be indigestion. Try some Pepto Bismol.

I considered just answering with the above answer, but I wanted you to get your moneys worth so I'll dwell on the question a little further. First, I don't think this is Lon's (my father's) specialty. Although he is knowledgeable on all things medical related, he generally does not delve into the realm of mythic creatures. Maybe he does and he's just been keeping a secret all these years, but I doubt it.

Secondly, as long as you don't feel any intense burning in your stomach (burning, get it, cause dragons breath fire and fire burns stuff) I say leave it be. If you are blessed enough to have what arguably could be the only dragon left on this planet residing in your stomach, just let him or her be. Assuming that this dragon can breath fire, which, in case you weren't unaware, they all can't do, but assuming this one can, he/she is pretty much doing the job of your stomach acids anyway. Instead of your food being broken down by acids it's being charbroiled via dragon breath. It's the same thing pretty much.

Finally, if the dragon breaks through your stomach lining with his/her flames, you should probably go to the hospital or something.

Answer for Anonymous

2009-03-06T11:37:00.000-08:00

Anonymous writes:

Biochemical Oxygen Demand (BOD) is a chemical procedure for determining how fast biological organisms use up oxygen in a body of water. It is used in water quality management and assessment, ecology and environmental science. BOD is not an accurate quantitative test, although it could be considered as an indication of the quality of a water source.

I read further and it essentially is used to measure the effectiveness of wastewater treatment plants. Not so glorifying.

Are you upset that the acronym that is used to refer to you has such a boring and disgusting meaning?

Thank you for the deeper level of meaning of my name, The Bod. I appreciate the hard work that you conducted and in depth research you did in order to find another meaning for my name. You're hard work does not go unappreciated or unnoticed and will not be forgotten, although since you are anonymous there is no one to take credit for it so it probably will be forgotten. Sorry.

Personally, I am quite honored to have a name that coincidentally (or not, wink wink) stands for a very important test. It may not be the most glamorous of tests, not your "Brangelina" of oxygen tests so to speak, but that doesn't make it any less important. If it weren't for BOD, who knows how oxygen-free and gross our recycled water would be? In these days of high bottled water prices and decreased water availability, clean water from wastewater treatment plants is more important than ever, and there is no better way to test the cleaniness of the water than BOD.

Again, thanks for the research, and anytime you're stumped by a question, don't be afraid to Ask Todd.

Answer for odonnellMONSTER

2009-03-04T13:07:00.000-08:00

odonnellMONSTER writes:

Yo,

Fighters: Abominable Snowman vs. Nessy the Loch Ness Monster.

Fight Location: A Volcano Island in the Arctic.

Who Wins? Who Dies? Who Refs?

Go!

Oh odonnellMONSTER, you and your abstract questions. This is a tough question, but if anyone has the knowledge necessary to answer it, it's me. However, before I start, I would just like you to know, if you didn't already know, that I have a definite bias towards Nessy. I did my eighth (eighth is tough to spell) grade research question on whether or not the Loch Ness Monster existed or not, and Nessy and I bonded during the months of research needed to adequately answer that question. I'll try to keep my personal feelings out of this.

VS.
Personally, I think this is a pretty unfair fight. Anytime you pit a land creature vs. a water creature, the odds are pretty highly stacked in the water creatures favor. Assuming that Nessie cannot, or will not, venture onto land, this battle would have to take place in the water. If you think that the abomidadle snowman has a chance against Nessie once he hits the water, think again. Although I personally believe that Nessie is probably a pretty nice creature once you get to know him/her, if you venture into his arena, don't expect any mercy. Unless the abomidable snowman is a better than expected swimmer, which, judging by Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer he is not, or has some sort of swimming apparatus or long range grappling gun, he does not have much of a chance and would probably end up dead.

As for the ref of this lop-side battle royal, it would have to be a penguin. Penguins are already dressed for the gig, and they are able the battle the elements of the artic.

Todd's Stories #16

2009-03-02T12:40:00.000-08:00

I guess when I was around the age of 12 my brother got a laser tag set for Christmas. This was before you could go to your local DZ Zone or Sporttime and play. This was before those shitty little ones became big where you had the little target on your front and back and a little pussy gun and light that screetched when you were shot. This was the real deal. Big ass guns that took 8 D batteries each in order to be used.

Anyway, we obviously wanted to use them immediately so we scrounged around for every D battery in the house until we had a grand total of 16 D batteries (that's 8 x 2, 8 being the number of batteries it takes for each gun and 2 being the number of guns, in case you didn't know.) The guns were these big green guns with a wire that attacked to them that went from the gun to this head set with a light on it to signal when you got hit. However, that wasn't the only signal the gun gave for a direct hit. The head gear would shake like crazy, and for me at the age of 12, it would shake to the point of putting me to tears. You may be asking yourself, well why would that be fun? Well, the answer is it wasn't, but my brother, 6 years my senior, made me play anyway. But in retrospect, I'm glad he made me play. If he didn't force me into playing a game that made me cry every time I was hit, I wouldn't have become the hardened man that I am today. That game of laser tag changed me, and I will never forget it.

The moral of the story is don't be a panzy. Play a game that brings the pain.

Answer for Jimmy Crack Corn

2009-02-27T12:44:00.000-08:00

Jimmy Crack Corn writes:

Bod Pod,
Who is the most unbelievable, mismatched couple in Hollywood? Personally, I think it is Macaulay Culkin and Mila Kunis. I may be biased because I think she is one of the hottest women on the planet and he is one of the weirdest but I believe I am not alone in my thought. Let me know. Thanks bro.

This is a very difficult question because there are just so many Hollywood couples out there. There's Brangelina. There's Johniston. There's Timberbeil. There's Demikutch. As you mentiod, there'e Culkikuni, which, by the way, is a terrific couple. There are just so many it's hard to choose which couple is the best. However, if we are rating based on mismatchedness, Sascha Baron Cohen and Isla Fisher are up there. How someone so hot can date someone who had a fat, hairy, naked man sit on his head, I'll never know. Culkikuni is also up there, but who could resist Mr. Home Alone himself. Kunis, besides the hotness, is quite annoying so I could see that being quite a detracation. Seal and Heidi Klum are also a bit of a strange couple, but who could resist that voice. One word of Kiss From a Rose and I'd be all his.

Other than that, it seems most Hollywood couples make a decent amount of sense, so I guess the question wasn't that hard after all. I hope that answer was sufficient.

Todd's Stories #15

2009-02-24T16:21:00.000-08:00

I've always prided myself on my basketball skills (I've also always greatly overrated them). When I was a youngin, I would practice my skills outside in my backyard day in and day out, honing my shot making abilities all by myself. The downfall of this system is that it makes you suck at defense. I'm slow as shit as is, and without proper footwork and good timing, I am not much better than a garbage can at defense. However, there was one time when my play far outreached my skills, and it was legendary (at least to me it was).

This specific event occurred in the 3rd or 4th grade. At this point in life my height was similar to it is today: average. I had yet to hit my growth spurt that would sky rocket me to the top of the food chain, and as such I was nothing more than a puny little kid on the basketball court. This was not true of Kenny Reinartz. Kenny Reinartz was a monster. Looking back, it seems as though he was seven feet tall, and I wouldn't be suprised if he was. He had to have at least a foot on me, and probably 80 pounds. However, I was fearless on the court and would back down from no challenge. While at lunch one day a group of guys, including myself and Kenny, were playing basketball. It was a small game of 3 on 3, but everyone was trying their hardest. I'm not going to pretend to remember the score or how the game went, but what I do remember is that on one possession Kenny got the ball, and I went at him like a bat out of hell. He went up for the shot and I flew across the air like a flying squirrel, swatting his shot down with force seldom seen in pre-professional basketball games. It was one of the best moments in my basketball career, and possibly even in my life, and one that I will never forget.

(This is exactly what my block looked like.)

The morals of the story are that anything is possible, to never back down, and to step up to the streets.

Answer for oneofthebens

2009-02-23T13:49:00.000-08:00

oneofthebens writes:

I noticed that when I asked for a slogan competition I also wanted t-shirts, could you please give us a realistic update on that?

Also, do you really get spam comments where you actually need the word verification filter?

Honestly, I forgot about the teachers (after re-reading this I noticed that teachers is supposed to be t-shirts, but I thought the error was funny enough to keep). It's not because I don't love the idea, because I do, it's just that no one at the time really stood out as deserving of a Todder's Playhouse t-shirt and so I guess it just up and left my mind. Realistically, I could see the t-shirts coming to life, I just need to think of some sort of contest or scale of deservingness to decide who should get one. You have my word that I will work on it.

As far as the word verification filter goes, I didn't even know what that was for, and so no, I have never gotten spam comments. And good thing too, because if someone hacked into The Bod Says section and started writing things that The Bod didn't actually say, I would not be a happy camper.

Answer for oneofthebens

2009-02-22T17:23:00.000-08:00

oneofthebens writes:

Wakka wakka wodder:

If I know it's going to be a sbd AND I'm at least 80% sure they can't blame it on me, is ok that I fart? I guess more generally, what's your rule of thumb in regards to farting?

This is a very important question because you never want to be caught farting in an inappropriate situation. There are all other sorts of rules regarding other manners, but there is no solid set of rules for farting so I'm glad to be able to set the rules straight.

If you know it's going to be an sbd and your 80% there will be no proof to link it to you, I say go for it. Of course, it depends on the location and who you are with, but in general I say let loose. It's uncomfortable to hold it in or force it back up, and if you don't have to, don't do it. If you're surrounded by male peers, then definitely deal it up. Even if they can some how prove it is you, who cares. If you're surrounded by female peers, you might want to think about holding yourself back. You don't want to turn off a potential gf because you smell like ass. If you are surrounded by strangers, again, go for it. Who cares what they think. The above is also under the assumption that your fart is going to stink. I think it goes without saying that if you know it's not going to be a smelly fart than regardless of the situation drop a bomb on it.

Sometimes more important than who you are surrounded by is where you are. If you're at a party with lots of people the likelihood of being caught is pretty small and so you can probably go for it. If you're at a funeral, regardless of the chances of being caught, suck it back up. I think the reason there are no real set of rules for farting is because it varies so greatly from situation to situation. There are many locations and groups of people that you can be perfectly fine with letting one go in the wind, but there are many other locations and groups of friends where farting is a death sentence, especially if you're caught. I guess what I'm trying to say is to use some discretion, and if in doubt, don't let it out. Hope that helps.

Answer for odonnellMONSTER

2009-02-19T16:50:00.000-08:00

odonnellMONSTER writes:

whats the greatest invention of the last 50 years? Who is the greatest thinker of the last 100 years? What's the greatest sandwich created in the last 50 years? Where can I get this sandwich? If you could make a sandwich to sell to people what would it be? How could I get you to make me this sandwich? What makes a good sandwich? How many sandwiches in one day is two much (hint I used two)? And what are the 5 food groups and do you agree with them?

First off, this is a super annoying onslaught of questions. I know you just want me to talk about cheesesteaks because you love them so much, but I won't do it. Secondly, since this myriad of questions is so annoying, I'm going to give you dead serious answers so that you derive no pleasure in them.

The greatest invention of the last 50 years is the transistor. Although it is a little outside of the 50 year range, it has been made drastically smaller and more effective within the last 50 years. It is a key component in nearly all modern electronics. Donezo.

The greatest thinker of the last 100 years would have to be Alan Turing, the father of modern computer science. Donezo.

The greatest sandwich created in the last 50 years is the how the hell am I supposed to know when a sandwich was created. Donezo

You can get this sandwich at this question no longer applies. Donezo.

If I could make a sandwich to sell to people it would be a tosti, which is any variety of delicious cheeses and meats on a sandwich pressed on a panini maker, my personal favorite being a delicious cheese and ham. Donezo.

To get me to make you this sandwich all you have to do is ask. Donezo.

A good sandwich is generally made with a delicously fresh meat and a delicious cheese. Those two are probably the most important ingredients. You have to remember to season your meat properly, and always use fresh ingredients. Also, some nice fresh bread is important as well. Donezo.

I think three sandwiches is too many for one day. Sometimes I have a pb&j for breakfast, and on those days I make sure to only have one other sandwich throughout the day. Generally this is not difficult because I rarely have a sandwich for dinner. Unless you're having some sort of soup and sandwich or salad and sandwich combination, you should probably stay away from sandwiches at dinner time. Donezo.

The five food groups are meats, daries, fruits, vegetables, and grains. I agree with the five food groups because it helps you to have a balanced and nutritional diet. Donezo.

Donezo.

2 for 1 of Great Movie News

2009-02-18T15:56:00.000-08:00

I have two glorious tidbits of movie information I hope you will all enjoy as much as I do. The first comes from the movie The Expendables. I've already written enough about this movie and its' remarkable cast so I'll try not to go over the top with my excitement, but there has been some new casting editions that I just could not help but share. The first is Eric Roberts. For those of you who don't know who Eric Roberts is, he is brother of actress Julia Roberts, one of the creepiest men on the planet, and star of such wonderful films as The Specialist (along side Sly Stallone himself), The Shadow Men, Best of the Best II, and my personal favorite, Best of the Best.

The other great addition to the cast is none other than the Governor himself. Although due to the terrible condition of California these days he may not be able to get away from his day job, Arnold is slated to be in The Expendables. The long awaited duo of Sly Stallone and Arnold Swartzenegger may finally come together on screen, and it won't just be for a Planet Hollywood promotion (I hope).

The other big news in Hollywood is on another big team up. It's not as big as Jean Claude Van Damme and Dennis Rodman, but it's equally as quick witted. The movie, titled Trump Heist, will star Chris Tucker and Eddie Murphy. Never before have two careers on such a spiral downward collided at such a late point in their careers (that statement is made for drama purposes only. I have no facts to back it up). Neither of them have been in a good movie in nearly a decade, and with Brett Ratner, Mr. Careerandmoviekiller himself at the reigns, Trump Heist promises not to put an end to that streak.

This just in: I did a little more research on Trump Heist and it seems as though Ratner is going for the black version of Oceans Eleven. I have discovered that non only are Chris Tucker and Eddie Murphy in the same film, two of the fastest talking and most annoying men in the game (their funny in good movies but annoying in bad ones), but also Chris Rock is in the mix. Wow. That is an explosion of obnoxiously loud and over the top humor that I don't think even Brett Ratner can contain. Ratner loves his visual effects, but this time bomb of a team might be more than he can handle. Now if he can only get Martin Lawrence in there. Case closed. Best. Movie. Ever.

This just even more in: I can't possibly believe what I am about to write, but I still have to say it because it's so incredible. I just read that along with Tucker, Murphy, and Rock, Jamie Foxx and Dave Chappelle are also in talks to star in the movie, as well as the big D himself, Denzel Washington. There is slim to no chance that any of this is true, but still, the thought of all of these characters in the same movie will leave a smile on my face for the rest of the night.

UPDATE: Danny Trejo, the scariest man on the planet and the bad guy in practically every b-list movie in existence, has joined the cast of The Expendabls. My wildest dreams are coming true.

Answer for Jimmy Crack Corn

2009-02-17T17:36:00.001-08:00

Jimmy Crack Corn writes:

Bodd,
Let's play F***, Marry, Kill? You have Oprah, Rosanne and Whoopi. Please answer and explain why. Thanks.

First off, that's really gross. The idea of fornicating with any of those three ladies nauseates me (no offense to any of you if you read my blog), but I don't have a choice but to answer, so I'll do my best. Also, nice use of the question mark at an inappropriate location in order to make what would have otherwise been a statement into a question. I could just answer let's not, but that wouldn't be very nice of me so I'll give you the real deal. And I won't be using the word fuck because that makes what is already horrifying seem that much worse, at least to me.

Originally I was thinking Oprah to marry because she could be my suga-mama and I'd never have to worry about money a day in my life again, but then I realized they all have enough money to make me as happy as I could be being with a person I am the opposite of attracted to. This then switched my thought process to the least appealing part of the question, the sex part. Although I'd prefer to not do that with any of these ladies, Oprah is the only one that is mildly attractive. In her skinnier days it would be a no brainer, but even with a little extra cushion she has to be the choice for sex.

That leaves me with marrying and killing. I think the answer is quite obvious. I would kill myself before I married Roseanne and listened to that shrieking voice all day, and since I don't want to kill myself, I would kill her. That leaves Whoopi, who is after all the funniest and most entertaining of the group, to marry. What originally seemed like a very painful question turned out to be not that bad, so long as I don't have to go through with it.

Answer for odonnellMONSTER

2009-02-16T11:34:00.000-08:00

odonnellMONSTER writes:

Valentines Day should be changed to Val Day. It would then be a double entendre: not only could we celebrate our love for our significant others but for the pre-eminent force of nature that is Val Kilmer.

I am going to tell you as I told J.R.: this is not the suggestions section, this is the Ask Todd section. The above statement is not a question, and as such I can not recognize it in the Ask Todd section. If you added on to the end of the statement, "So, Todd, what do you think of this idea?", I would have kindly answered that it was a stupid idea. A true fan of Val's such as myself believes that Val deserves his own day and should not have to share it with the day of lovers. And besides, in a true fans heart, every day is Val day, and that shall never change.

Again, this is the Ask Todd section, so please stick to questions.

Answer for odonnellMONSTER

2009-02-14T11:31:00.000-08:00

odonnellMONSTER writes:

What's harder for you: Not eating carbs? Or trying not to laugh at Dane Cook? Thoughts. Fears. Digressions.

This is a straight up question, and I like it. I'm gonna have to go with not eating carbs. I don't know if that part of the question is a shot at my days of complete health consciousness and as such my unwillingness to eat various types of carbohydrates, but these days I indulge in all sorts of carbs and so it is would be very hard for me to completely lay off. Trying not to laugh at Dane Cook is generally pretty easy because it does not take much effort. Most of the time he is not very funny, especially in any movie he has ever been in (yes Employee of the Month, that includes you). To be fair, he was dece funny in Waiting, but that's about it.

Despite the easiness of trying not to laugh at Dane Cook, I am much more fearful of being caught doing so. It would not be embarassing to be caught eating carbs because everyone does it and it's no big deal. However, in the wrong circle, to be caught laughing at Dane Cook, or worse, being caught trying not to laugh at Dane Cook, would be social suicide. That group would immediately know that you do not have a particularly good sense of humor. Although his stand-ups can be funny because of his outragious behavior, most of the time he is a straight up a fraud, and so to be caught laughing at him at the wrong time could be very costly.

I have no digressions.

Answer for Rob

2009-02-13T13:42:00.000-08:00

Rob writes:

Todd, I lived with you for 2 years at Nova and your eating habits were interesting to say the least. Junior year you ate nothing but salmon, chicken and brown rice. Senior year you branched out to pasta, wawa subs and those lean cuisine things. Have your eating habits matured even more? Thanks man. Hope all is well.

I'll admit that I've had some rather strange eating habits in my life. My time spent as a fat youth played tricks with my mind and made me a bit of a health nut. Freshman through junior years of college were particulary bad. I do not look back fondly upon my days of canned salmon and protein shakes. Senior year my eating habits were strange more for convenience sake than for health sake. However, I am glad to say that those days are behind me. Now, I generally eat what I want, when I want, although convenience is still a major part of the equation (whatevers in the fridge). And since my appetite has become rather large for some reason, that when I want is quite frequently. I am currently eating a lot of scrambled egss with cheese. I also eat a lot of cold cuts, but mostly because they're in the house and I don't want them to go to waste, not so much because I enjoy them.

All is well, Rob, at least in the eating front, and I hope all is well with you too.

Answer for Professor Pitstains

2009-02-13T12:08:00.000-08:00

Professor Pitstains writes:

Dear TTG (Todd The God),

What was it like going through puberty at age 8?

First off, the estimate of age 8 is a bit early. I ripened into a full grown man at around the age of 12, so let's try to keep our facts straight. Thanks.

As for my early puberty, it was quite unfortunate. Trying to shave in like sixth grade is not particularly fun. Luckily for me, I was never one of those gross kids who didn't want to face the fact that they had facial hair and let it grow out way longer than they should have. I nipped the bud as soon as I saw the first whiskers coming in, and I've been shaving nearly every day since.

One good thing about the early puberty was that I was a monster in seventh and eight grade. In basketball, I owned the boards, and on the playground I owned anything I wanted. The middle school was my oyster. Yes, I may have had acne way earlier than everyone else, and yes, I was not particularly attractive, but I sure as shit wasn't gonna get bullied anytime soon. The downside of that positive is that everyone thought I was going to be like 6'3" and my dreams of going to the NBA seemed like they may be possible with a lot of hard work, but that was until I stopped growing in eight grade and all those dreams went flashing by.

I can't really think of any other positives or negatives of hitting puberty so young. I don't know if it's because I blocked them out of my mind because of the awkwardness I continually felt, or because it wasn't all that bad, but either way that young puberty has made me the man I am today.

Answer for oneofthebens

2009-02-11T16:28:00.001-08:00

oneofthebens writes:

Wodds:

What is your take on bathroom reading? Pointless, beneficial, or just gross if it's second hand reading that was left behind?

For those of you unaware, Wodd is another name in addition to The Bod, Todder, Toad, and Toddington that I go by.

Personally, I find reading while on the toilet does a pretty good job of loosening the stools. It's relaxing, which allows for smoother flow. It also takes up time while on the toilet, so rather than just sitting their, twiddling your thumbs, you can become more educated on whatever subject you please. You could laugh, cry, smile, frown, be sad, be happy, be nervous, be excited and be scared all while on the toilet, and not because of what's coming out of your butt. I would imagine that reading while on the john does not do the trick for anyone, but I personally find it quite beneficial.

As far as second hand reading material goes, I would generally say try to avoid it, especially if the pages are all wavy as though it has been wet before. Also, if the pages stick together, immediately return that reading material to where you found it. If it seems clean and you're really desperate, go for it. Just make sure to wash your hands afterwards (and after all poop related toilet visits for that matter).

Note: Although I do not necessarily enjoy answering the more personal questions, nor the questions that cause me to be a bit more vulgar than I normally would be, I will never not answer an Ask Todd.

Answer for Anonymous

2009-02-10T19:34:00.000-08:00

Anonymous writes:

Todd,

You are one of the hairiest human beings on the planet. Whether its your facial hair, chest hair or hair on your extremities you are second to none. Has there been an instance where your hairiness has benefited you in some way. Thanks man. Keep up the good work.

First of all, I do not think I am one of the hairiest human beings on the planet. Although I am indeed hairy, and I would be honored and disgusted to call myself one of the worlds hairiest, I just don't think I can. Check out the likes of this guy:

and this guy:

I do not compare to the likes of them, nor the many others like them. Second of all, although my "extremeties" are indeed hairy, I would appreciate it if you could find a more pleasant way to phrase it next time. Extremeties makes it sound like I have hairy growths all over my body (which I don't). And thirdly, if you are going to ask such a personal question, I would appreciate it if you did not hide your identity. Thank you.

As for your question, no, I don't believe my hair has ever been beneficial. I suppose if I was alone in the wilderness on a cold, windy night, it may keep me warmer than I would be otherwise, but that situation has yet to occur. I guess my beard growing abilities has benefited me because it makes me the man (and definitely a man), but it's also quite an annoyance to shave. Overall, my facial and body hair is nothing more than a nuisance and an indication that I am indeed a man.

Oh, and thanks for the words of encouragement. I will keep up the good work.

Shine On Me

2009-02-09T12:11:00.001-08:00

One of my friends had the link to this video on his status on Facebook, and it was so good I had to share it with everyone else (everyone else being like the three people that consistently read this blog). I hightly doubt he reads this blog so I don't have to give him credit (if you do read this, why not Ask Todd something or leave a comment every once and a while?) Anywho, I don't know if any of you out there have seen this before, but this is one of the greatest music videos I have ever seen. I think it's shot entirely on green screen, and it's like Lord of the Rings meets The Princess Bride meets The Chronicles of Narnia meets the made for tv movie Merlin meets a really cheesy song sung by a Fabio wannabe. It's an instant classic as far as I'm concerned. Enjoy.

Atta Boy Val

2009-02-06T14:15:00.000-08:00

(He looks like a beached whale.)

In the best news to hit New Mexico since ever, it seems as though Val Kilmer is going to take a page out of the book of Governor Arnold and run for the governor seat in 2010. The former voice of KITT said, "I'm just looking for ways to be contributive. And if that ends up being where I can make a substantial contribution, then I'll run." Now that's the positive attitude I've come to know and love from Val. Kilmer has lived in New Mexico for some 20 years now (God knows why). Although he has yet to decide for certain whether or not to run, he is keeping his ear to the grindstone (I don't know what that means) and listening to the people of New Mexico to discover what it is that they want and need (more balloon festivals!).

I, for one, think that Val would make a great governor. He showed sneakiness and badassness in The Saint. He showed humor in that episode of Entourage where he was a pot dealer. He has a great voice as heard in Knight Rider. He showed great dance moves Top Secret! He showed he can hunt a lion in the Ghost in the Darkness. And he showed he has nipples in Batman Forever. These are all qualities I look for in my governor, and Val oozes all of them. With any luck for the state of New Mexico, he'll throw his hat (his hat from Tombstone that is) into the race, and ride home with the victory in 2010.

Bloodsport Part Deaux

2009-02-02T14:16:00.000-08:00

It seems that Jean Claude Van Damme is going to try to use the bit of momentum he got from his movie JCVD to make a true sequel to his first film and the movie that put him on the map, Bloodsport. Although it is obviously a terrible idea, I'm pretty pumped because I love Bloodsport. It's right on up there with Kickboxer and Time Cop. Although the original Kickboxer has already had three sequels, Jean Claude was attached to none of them.

According to Van Damme himself, he wants to do Kickboxer 2, "in a very mature way, where the guy from Bloodsport is a complete bum, maybe abusing his son." Sounds pretty uplifting if you ask me. Imagine being beaten by your father who's like this jacked martial-arts guy. That would suck real bad.

Although Van Damme is gung ho about the movie, it seems he is being met with some resistance by his studio. According to Van Damme, they told him, "No, no, no! You cannot make a movie in America where a father is abusing his son physically! It’s wrong." Yeah, that probably happened. Cause there has never been a movie made about an abusive father before, (see Radio Flyer, American Beauty, as proof. I actually couldn't think of any other good ones so maybe there aren't many after all.) I think the more likely situation is that the studio didn't want Van Damme to make a movie starring himself as an abusive father (No offense Jean Claude, I don't think you have that range.)

Note: The article I read this news from also stated that Van Damme turned down a role in Sylvester Stallone's The Expendables, making him the number one douche of all time. That movie is going to be fantastic, and it would have been that much better with Van Damme. Imagine Van Damme, Mickey Rourke, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundren, and Randy Couture all in the same movie? It blows my mind just to think about such a cast, and for that to have been so close to happening is unbearably painful. You broke my heart yet again Jean Claude.

Answer for Johny Sac

2009-01-30T12:15:00.000-08:00

Johny Sac writes:

Todders,

Do you recall when you took a polaroid picture and there was something in the picture besides you and your friend? Mind elaborating and giving your opinion?

I think I recall the polaroid picture you are speaking of, but I have had many encounters with mystical Polaroids and so I may be confusing the account you are thinking of with any number of the other spooky accounts. As to the second question, I do not mind elaborating, but I do not have an opinion on the matter, the following are all facts.

The aforementioned Polaroid was taken on what seemed to be a regular, spook-free day. It was taken at the house formally known as the Prince's (they moved for those of you who don't know.) It was just a bunch of friends goofing around, taking some pics, nothing special. The Polaroid camera can be a great source of entertainment, and it was proving to be such on this evening. That is, until said picture was taken. It seemed like a regular picture upon taking it. Nothing special in the view finder, just the dining room table and some kids playing around. But after some wafting of the picture to speed up the development process we took a look at the picture, and someone was in it that should not have been. In the middle of the picture stood a clown, as if straight out of the movie It, staring back at us, as if he were peering through our souls. Some people would have you believe it was a smudge or a glare that caused the clown to be seen in the photo, but I know better. It could have only been the spirit of a clown that once lived in the house and died under painful circumstances and he was coming back to haunt any Polaroid pictures taken in that house. I don't know what he wanted with us, I'm just glad the Princes moved out of that house before he had the chance to do any more damage, besides the damage he did on all of our hearts that day.

Band of Brothers

2009-01-28T14:29:00.000-08:00

I wish to tell you all a tale. It's a tale of war and peace, of love and betrayal, and of friendship and enemies. You may have even heard of this tale. It was called Band of Brothers, and it was a miniseries on HBO.

However, the Band of Brothers is not the tale I wish to tell this evening, even though I told you I did above. That was simply a rouse to get you interested. The tale I wish to tell you is the tale of a group of friends who knew in their hearts that they could make a better recreation of the events that took place in the miniseries Band of Brothers, and they were right. The group of friends was led by two fearless students on a mission to get the best possible grade they could. The recreation was a tale much like the tale of the Band of Brothers, one of war and peace, of love and betrayal, and of friendship and enemies. Well, maybe not war and peace or love and betrayal, but there was certainly a whole lot of friendship going around. That recreation can be seen below in two parts. Enjoy.

Zo: You Shall Be Missed

2009-01-24T11:15:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to take a few minutes out to honor the newly retired basketball legend Alonzo Mourning. Mourning was one of the greatest and most tenacious NBA centers of all time, and he was also one of my favorite players. Frequently he would be the star of the childhood books that I wrote.

Mourning began his career at Indian River High School where he led his team to 51 straight victories and a state title his junior year. Zo played college ball at Georgetown University and led the nation in blocked shots his freshman year and was an All American his last year there. Zo was drafted into the NBA in 1992 and was selected second overall by the Charlotte Hornets (he was drafted behind Shaq Diesel). In his first year of play, Mourning averaged 21.0 pts, 10.3 rebounds, and 3.47 blocks and was voted on to the all-rookie team. In only his 49th game donning the teal and purple uniform, Mourning became Charlotte's all-time blocked shots leader. Unfortunately, due to contract issues and friction with fellow Hornet's star Larry Johnson, Mourning was traded to the Miami Heat after only 3 years of play.

While on the Heat, Mourning led the Pat Riley coached team into battle night in and night out. He averaged nearly 20 points and 10 repounds a game, and was twice selected as the NBA defensive player of the year due to his ferocious presence in the paint. During the '99-'00 season, Mourning was selected to the All-NBA first team after averaging 20.1 ppg, .511 field goal percentage, 11.0 rebounds per game, and 3.9 blocked shots. In 2000, Mourning was diagnosed with focal segmental glomerulosclerosis, which forced him to miss 5 months of that season. His conditioned worsened and he was forced to miss the '02-'03 season and the Heat did not pick up his expiring contract. Although he signed a four year contract to the New Jersey Nets in 2003, Mourning retired on November 25th due to further Kidney complications. On December 19th he underwent a successful Kidney transplant.

No kidney problems could hold back Zo for long, and after some un-exciting events I care not to discuss, Mourning again signed with the Miami Heat on March 1st, 2005. Although Mourning was only a back-up to Shaq daddy, he did start on many occassions due to Shaq's ailing back problems. Mourning's minutes were limited due to his physical ailments, but when he was on the court he played with every bit of fire and tenacity that he always had, and helped win the Heat the second best record in the NBA in the '05-'06 season. He was even given the nickname, "The Ultimate Warrior" because of his style of play. And in 2006, he was finally able to win the elusive NBA Championship while on the Heat. Mourning would return to the Heat the following year, but after tearing his patellar tendon in his right knee on the four year anniversary of his kidney transplant, Mourning was forced into retirment, not able to make another miraculous come back.

Mourning is a 7 time NBA All-Star, and one of the best defensive players to ever play the game. He played with a ferociousness that has yet to be matched in he NBA, and was even mention in Lil' Bow Wow's song Basketball from the Like Mike soundtrack, with Bow Wow stating, "And when I'm in the paint I play wit that Alonzo style", which, by the way, is impossible. Zo, the game simply won't be the same without you, and your presence will be missed.

Todd's Stories #14

2009-01-20T14:15:00.000-08:00

First, I broke my pinky while snowboarding. I caught an edge, twisted around, and smacked my hand against the ground hard enough to break solely my pinky. If that weren't cool enough, I had to wear an entire hand cast for that one poor lil' pinky. Even worse, the pinky didn't heal properly and so I had to go to an occupational therapist for my pinky. That's right. I had to go to an occupational therapist for my pinky. Next, I had the infamous fainting incident which we all know and love so well by now. I was spreading cream cheese on my bagel, I fainted, I woke up on the ground, and had to spend the next few days vomitting and having tests run on me. And now, only two days ago, in what can only be summized as God laughing at my manhood, with a sick stomach and not sure if I had to vommit, I bent over, fainted, hit my head on a magazine rack, and had to get ten stitches above my eye.

While some kids have cool stories about their battle wounds, such as they were trying to do a 720 off of the half pipe but had to change their flight pattern to dodge a bird and fell on their arm and broke it, or they were off on a hike and had to fight off a pack of wild wolves with a walking stick but were bitten by one of them and need stitches across their chest, these stories above are my battle stories, and they could not be less manly. For all my manly qualites (i.e. my beard growing abilities) having bad-ass injuries is just not one of them. I guess we can't all be blessed with cool scar stories, but my injuries are as lame as they come.

Answer for J.R.

2009-01-20T09:37:00.000-08:00

J.R. writes:

Dear Todd,

Here's a free idea: Battle of the Beards

Preside over this: Jesus vs. Honest Abe Lincoln.

First off, sorry for taking so long to answer your question J.R. Oh wait, that's not a question. This is the Ask Todd section, not the idea section. If you would like an idea section at Todder's Playhouse where you can post ideas, then you can ask me in the Ask Todd section how I feel about an idea section, otherwise please save the Ask Todd section for questions only.

(Abe's beard is pretty solid, but not wild enough. This is not Jesus, but rather Jean Claude Van Damme. I couldn't keep this picture a secret.)

As for your "free idea", Jesus obviously wins this competition. His beard was longer and more lustrious (as far as most paintings go). Props go out to anyone that is willing to invest the time into grooming and maintaining their beard, but that's just not very manly. Grooming your beard too much is like trying to tame a wild beast, which is something that should never be done. If I'm a lion, I don't want to be all cute and cudly and fun to play with, I want to eat shit and tear shit up. The same goes for beards. If I'm a beard I don't want to be all manicured and trimmed down, I want to be left to flow and be alive.

Of course, since I've never met either of these dear fellows, this is all just heresay, and I couldn't possibly make a definitive ruling without some sort of time machine where I could get an up close and personal look at each persons beard.

Look Out Hip Hop, Here Comes Joaquin Phoenix

2009-01-16T13:36:00.000-08:00

No, quite unfortunately that title is not a joke. I'm sure most you by now know that Joaquin Phoenix has retired from acting in order to become a musician. Ok, that's stupid because you're a good actor and just because you played a talented musician in a movie doesn't make you one, but it's respectable. Going after your dreams is something that can never truly be frowned upon. The guy simply wants to tap into a different part of his artistic capabilites, right? Wrong. It turns out, and this I'm going to quote from another article so you know it's for real, "Phoenix is embarking on a new path as a rapper, with an album to be produced by Sean Combs." I don't know if while on the set of We Own the Night he and Marky Mark had some rap battles and Joaquin thought he was on to something, but this could not be a worse decision. Not only is he becoming a rapper, but Cassey Affleck (the two are friends and that better be the only reason for him doing this), is going to direct a documentary about Joaquin's musical career. I can only imagine it will be the shortest film of all time.

I don't know if Joaquin knows this or not, but not many actors-turned musicians go on to have a very successful music career. The likes of Bruce Willis, Eddie Murphy, David Hasselhoff, Tony Danza, and Steven Seagal have all tried, and failed, to have a successful music career (however, Murphy's My Girl Likes to Party All the Time is fantastic.) The only people who have any success are the ones that do it the other way around, a la Will Smith and Mark Wahlberg, although I still have no idea how Wahlberg managed to become an actor after that heinous start.

At any rate, best of luck to you Joaquin. I'll probably listen to your first single and deem it horrible and then watch the documentary about you just to see how bad it is. The first performance is to occur tonight in Las Vegas. I can't wait to watch it on youtube. You can check out a practice performance if you follow this link. It's truly awful.

Levitation, Here We Come

2009-01-13T13:07:00.000-08:00

Until recently, levitation was a concept saved for the imagination. Only characters with special powers (i.e. Magneto) or characters with special suits (i.e. Ironman) could levitate, and that is due to their special power and/or special suit. Good magicians can also levitate, but it has yet to be proven if this is a mere illusion or actual sorcerery. I levitated once, but that was in a dream.

(I don't know how this guy does it. Simply incredible.)

Well, science has once again brought our dreams to reality. Scienctists have found a way to levitate the smallest of objects using the still much mysterious quantum mechanics. Scientists even said that they might use this new found form of levitation to help make tiny nanotechnology machines (the world of microscopic sciences has never seen so many tremendous advances in miniature technologies.)

If only we were ants. We could be having the time of our lives floating all around. That, or if we developed a shrinking ray. Being able to levitate would be well worth being the size of tiny particles. Plus, we'll have all these new fangled nanotechnology machines to play with. It would be a blast. We just need to talk to the makers of Honey I Shrunk the Kids, and see how they pulled it off.

Where Are Your Nipples?

2009-01-11T13:46:00.001-08:00

I know I'm supposed to be the one answering questions not asking them, but I have a question for all of you out there reading this blog which I would like your help answering. How do human beings know exactly where their nipples and belly button are at any given time? How, regardless of your surroundings, are you capable of putting your finger tip right on your nipple and being positive of where it is? Is that strange to anyone else?

Answer for oneofthebens

2009-01-09T12:50:00.000-08:00

oneofthebens writes:

Angel (or whoever currently cuts your hair),

Have you checked out the movie the minis? It stars Dennis Rodman playing bball with some little people. Didn't think double trouble could be topped but this could be close. Any thoughts?

Well oneofthebens, I actually do not know the name of my current barber, but unfortunately it is no longer Angel. I do however long for the days where Angel would give me a fantastic fade haircut, but alas, those days are no more.

I am ashamed to say that I have never heard of The Minis. I am also ashamed to say that I was unaware that Dennis Rodman was still in the acting game, or still alive for that matter. I thought he had faded into the sunset and retired from acting, knowing that he could not possibly match the brilliance of Double Team. But it seems as though I was wrong, because Dennis Rodman is back and better than ever and doing what he does best, playing basketball with dwarves. This could be the best concept for a movie since Air Bud. From the trailer it also looks brilliantly acted. In all seriousness this is the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen, and after watching the trailer I am nearly at a loss for words. Check it out for yourself below. Nevermind that it's in Italian, the words are of no consequence.

And if you want to see something even more insane, check this out.

Answer for The Best

2009-01-07T12:23:00.000-08:00

The Best writes:

Bod-So,

I was creating my list of top 20 movies of 2008 and was curious to see your list of top movies of 2008. Whatchu got? We shall compare.

-The Best

First off, I don't know who this "Bod-So" character you are referring to is. Maybe you meant to start off my writing So, Bod..., but otherwise I am quite confused. I had a second of all, but it's kind of mean so I won't write it.

My top ten list so far this year in no particular order would have to include, "In the Name of The King: A Dungeon Siege Tale", "How She Move", "Hannah Montana & Miley Cyrus: Best of Both Worlds Concert", "Over Her Dead Body", "Fool's Gold", "The Hottie and The Nottie", "Step up 2 The Streets", "Never Back Down", "Kiss the Bride", "Made of Honor", "Space Chimps", "Goal 2: Living the Dream...", "Surfer, Dude", and, "Fireproof." I know that's 14 movies, but I just couldn't possibly leave any of them off the list.

The above list was comprised because it was the only oppurtunity I would have to use humor in this post. I have not seen any of the above movies, except of course Made of Honor (Who could resist the allure of McDreamy). Honestly, I don't think I have even seen 20 new movies this year so your list is going to be much more comprehensive than mine is, but I'll make a list nonetheless. My list will only be ten movies so it's not just a complete list of movies I have seen.

1. The Dark Knight - Come on, what did you expect.
2. Wall-E - An entertaining movie with little to no actual words. Impressive.
3. In Bruges - Collin Farrel in his element making fun of midgets.
4. The Foot Fist Way - With a redneck karate teacher you can't lose.
5. Iron Man - Solid through and through.
6. Horton Hears a Who - Just darling.
7. Pineapple Express - Just keep those guns cocking.
8. Burn After Reading - A fist pumping Brad Pitt and a sex machine making George Clooney.
9. Choke - Nothing like a movie about a sex addict.
10. Quantum of Solace - Daniel Craig in all out ass-kicking mode.

An extra nod goes to Hamlet 2. It could have been extremely funny, but only the last half hour was so.

There you go. Feel free to tell me what you think.

Answer for Jason

2009-01-06T17:01:00.000-08:00

Jason asks:

Dear Todd,

Do you floss before or after you brush your teeth?

Jason, this is a very good question. Dental hygiene, as most of you know, is an extremely important issue in my life. Even when I was a child and I had only one tooth, I would brush the shit out of that tooth. Teeth have always been a major part of my life, from my younger days looking like Sloth, to my days as a brace face, to my days wearing head gear, and even to my current days with my immaculate pearly whites. With all my various teeth issues I've had no choice but to place dental hygiene high up on my list of important issues. Lord knows I've had enough dental problems, and I don't want the likes of excessive tartar or plaque buildup to be added to the list.

In all honesty, I didn't begin to floss my teeth until recently. I always thought I should, but I was always afraid of moving my teeth with the floss (Don't ask, I'm really paranoid when it comes to the movement of my teeth). However, I knew I wasn't completely living up to the high standards of dental hygiene I had set for myself without flossing. And so, about a year ago, I began flossing my teeth every night.

Currently, I floss my teeth after I brush. I do this because I want to get all the big stuff out of the way before I go after the smaller stuff hidden inbetween the cracks. I wash my teeth, then I rinse, then I floss my teeth, then I rinse again to make sure nothing gets left behind. I feel that if you were to floss before brushing you might just brush some of that tiny stuff right back in there. On the flip side, brushing after flossing does ensure that everything is out there in the open so it can be brushed away. It's a tough choice, but I feel as though I have made the right one. Perhaps one day I'll reverse the order of my brushing and flossing, and when that day comes you'll be the first to know how it goes.

Happy New Year

2009-01-04T12:53:00.000-08:00

Wow. What a year. 2008 was a year that saw China have their worst snow storm since 1954, a lunar eclipse across North America, the creation of Todder's Playhouse, a surgery to place bionic eyes in the heads of blind people, the Phoenix spacecraft land on Mars, the creation of the website Beards Etc., Typhoon Fengshen, World Youth Day, the resurgence of pirates, a stampede in the Jodhpur temple, the inaugeration of the Large Hadron Collider, my 23rd birthday, and of course, an extra leap second was added to the end of the year. Oh, and there was a tiny financial crisis, but that was no real biggy.

This is the first post of 2009 at Todder's Playhouse, and as such I'd like to start it off with the the customary New Year's resolution, which we definitely plan to uphold at the Playhouse. Our New Year's Resolution is to make Todder's Playhouse even more humorous, educational, and friendly. We set a pretty high bar for ourselves in 2008, but bars were meant to be hurtled, and that's what we here at Todder's Playhouse intend to do in 2008. We've come a long way, but we intend to go a lot further and we invite all of you out there to come join us on a wacky and crazy adventure that will be known as 2009. Who knows, we may even pick up a few new friends a long the way. So lace up your boots, put on your overalls, strap on your fanny pack, and let's get this year rolling.

You've Done it Again Sylvester

2008-12-29T13:14:00.000-08:00

(The soft core porn king himself.)

I wanted to take this time out to praise Sylvester Stallone and his ability to write somewhat decent scripts (which in and of itself is amazing since he seems partially mentally handicapped) and somehow assemble incredible casts for them. The latest and greatest example of this comes with his new movie The Expendables.

The movie is about a team of mercenaries who head to South America with the mission to overthrow the dictator of Corza (Made up country or not? I cerainly don't know). I don't want to give you too much of the plot because I don't want to blow your fucking mind with how good it is (it seems ok), but the cast is absolutely phenomenal. It is not certain who plays what character, but as of now the cast includes Stallone himself, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Forrest Whitaker, and Randy Couture. With the exception of Whitaker, that's like a who's who of terrible acting Hollywood badasses (Note: Whitaker was badass in Ghost Dog, but he's also the only one amongst them that can act). They are also trying to get Sandra "I'm super annoying" Bullock to join the cast, but hopefully that doesn't go through (hopefully Stallone and Bullock weren't as close as they looked in Demolition Man otherwise they may in fact get her to join.)

My hope is that midway through the movie there is some internal fighting within The Expendables and it becomes some sort of free-for-all blood bath amongst the members of the group. The only way that that could get any better would be if Governor Arnold, Wesley "Wesley don't pay no taxes" Snipes, and the Muscles from Brussells joined in on the fighting. Then this truly would be the greatest movie of all time.

Answer for Anonymous

2008-12-26T12:31:00.000-08:00

Anonymous writes:

Todd, This is both an explanation and a question. It is widely thought that Michael Jordan was forced by the commish of the NBA to retire for a few years because he was caught gambling on the game. He didnt want to ban the greatest player of all time from basketball so he told him to lay low for a few years. Would this change your betrayed feeling or would it make it worse because he is also a degenerate gambler on top of a quitter.(For those of you who don't know, this question is in relation to my latest Todd's Stories, so you should probably go ahead and read that before you read this. Thanks.)

Well Anonymous, I don't give a rats ass about said gambling issues. A betrayal is a betrayal. Either he retired and betrayed me or he gambled and forced the commissioner to make him leave the league and betrayed me. What's he gambling for anyway? I'm pretty sure he had enough money and a pretty secure future to have no need to gamble (unless he was trying to recoup any losses which occurred because of the founding of Michael Jordan's Steakhouse. I don't know when that place opened but it sucks.) Unlike Charles Barkley, the idea of Michael Jordan gambling away millions of dollars does not entertain me and as such his little gambling stint was not necessary and ended in his betrayal of me.

Note: The fact that he is a degenerate gambler makes the betrayal no worse. He can gamble all he wants. Either way he stabbed me in the back, ripped out my heart, and then tried to hit it with a baseball bat and missed.

Todd's Stories #13

2008-12-21T09:18:00.000-08:00

As a young boy I was a very passionate and loyal child, but if I felt that you had betrayed me it meant that you were dead to me, and there's no coming back from that. Forgiveness was not an option for me. One such example of this fire that I had and the subsequent consequences of my being betrayed is with my child hood hero, Michael Jordan. During my childhood I followed sports quite frequently, and none more so than basketball. I loved basketball. I would spend hours outside of my house nearly every day shooting foul shots and trying to improve my game (that's why my shot is so dank still to this day.) Like all children, I was a major front runner in sports (Don't lie, you know you were too.) As such, my favorite basketball team was the Chicago Bulls and my favorite player was the best player on the best team, Michael Jordan. Oh how I admired his royal airness. That is of course, until he retired way before his time (I'm talking the first retirement and then going to play baseball. Who does that shit?) I felt betrayed that my favorite player of all time would retire well before he had left his prime. He was on top of the game, but that wasn't good enough for him. He had to try his hand at another sport, of which it turned out he sucked. And so Michael Jordan was dead to me. I got rid of his jersey. I tore down the posters. I crossed out his name in the about the author section of the childhood books I had authored which stated how Michael Jordan was my favorite player. Even after he came out of retirement he meant nothing to me. There was no going back to the glory days. It was over. I moved on from the Bulls and went straight to the Charlotte Hornets where I spent the rest of my youth admiring the likes of Alonzo Mourning, Larry Johnson, Tyrone Bogues, Dell Curry, and the rest of them who I can no longer remember.

The moral of the story is if you are ever thinking about betraying Todd Easton, just don't do it.

Answer for Anonymous

2008-12-15T13:49:00.000-08:00

Anonymous writes:

Hey Todd,Who do you consider the top 5 women on the planet and why? Thanks.

Well Anonymous, this is quite a tricky question. There are plenty of women I could put on this list because there are plenty of all around solid women out there, so narrowing it down to just five is no easy task. In order to make my decisions easier I'm going to stick with currently living women (Martha Washington is a clear top five if we were talking dead women. She's quirky and really knows how to support her man. Harriet Tubman would also be noteworthy.) With that said, I'm going to give this list a good shot, but my decisions are subject to change if I think of someone new at a later date or if history proves these women not to be top five worthy. The following list is in no particular order.

The first top five women is my mother. Come on, what dumb ass wouldn't include Barbara Easton on their top five women list. If a normal person would include her on their top five list, surely her child would nominate her as top five. She buys me food and gives me advice on life, what else do I need to say.

The next top five women on my list is Mo' Nique. With a name like that it's hard to lose. And boy does she make me laugh. Laughter is the key to a man's heart, and Mo' Nique sure has unlocked my heart again and again.

The third top five women on my list is the Pinesol woman. She makes the house smell like lemons and is always cheerful while doing so. I don't think this choice needs much explanation. If the Pinesol woman isn't in your top five you can get the hell out of here.

The fourth top five women on my list is the lovely Giada De Laurentiis. To be honest, she's consistently really annoying, but she's hot, she can cook, and from the looks of this picture she can commit bloody murder with the best of them, and so she has the be put in the top five.

The final top five women on my list is Cynthia Rylant. You may not know who she is, but I sure as hell do. She's the author of the most glorious children books of all time, and more specificly the author of the Henry and Mudge series. Without her wonderful writing my life would simply not have been the same.

Honorable mentions go to Whoopi Goldberg, Gloria Estefan, Alicia Sylverstone, and Tatiana Ali