Todd's Stories #5

All children have something special that they love. Some children have a blanket that they cannot sleep without. Some children have a binky which they suck on to fall asleep. Some children need their favorite nightlight plugged-in to comfort them to bed. I needed get-its.

At this point you may be wondering what a "get-it" is. Well, continue reading to find out.

When I was a young child of the age of about 2 I had a rocking horse. This rocking horse, like all rocking horses, had hair on it's rear-end to signify a tail. Well, my rocking horse had particularly soft tail-hair. I would roll the hair up into a little ball and rub it in between my fingers and on my cheek. With that soft rocking horse tail-hair in my hand there were no troubles in the world, I would fall right asleep.

From my crib I could see the rocking horse. I would reach my little arms out as far as they could reach and yet I could not reach that hair. Oh how I yearned for that tail-hair. My mother figured out that I was trying to get it, it being the tail-hair, and would cut off pieces of the hair and give them to me so that I could once again roll them up into a ball. Hence, these pieces of hair which I was trying to get became known as get-its.

Over time my rocking horse lost all of it's tail-hair. The story of the get-it does not end there though. To keep little Todd happy, my mother bought me cotton balls as a replacement to the tail-hair. These would soon be known as "bagged get-its" since they were in a bag and were my new get-its. For many a year these bagged get-its gave me the comfort I needed, not only in my crib but wherever I traveled. They were my blanky, my binky. They were the constant in my life which allowed me to become the great person I am today.

A side note of sorts, one year for Christmas my sister gathered up all the lint in the dryer machine and gave it to me as a new type of get-it. This get-it does not have it's own surname, but it certainly was wonderful.

The moral of the story is that children need something to comfort them in their younger years to help them feel safe and that my sister used to give really cheap (aka gifts that cost her nothing) Christmas presents.

My Glorious Return

Hey all. I just wanted to write a short little post telling you I'm back. While I did enjoy my short little vacay, it's nice to be back with all of you so I can once again spread my wisdom. I'll try to write more posts than usual so that I can make up for lost time. Hopefully while I was away it gave you a chance to catch up on some past posts you missed. The vacation is over now and it's time to get back to work. I hope you didn't get too lost without me, but I am back, so you can now return to your regularly scheduled lives. Enjoy.

I'm Sorry

Dearest Readers. I regret to inform you that I will be going on leave to a place where I am unlikely to have internet access. As such, I will be unable to update Todder's Playhouse. I know this is deeply disheartening and you will be lost without me, but it will only be for 10 days. You will be in my heart, as I am sure I will be in yours. Try your best to follow my earlier advice and you shall succeed. You only have a week and half to make it on your own and I truly believe you can. Follow the words and messages that Todder's Playhouse stands for and you can't go wrong. Good luck and Godspeed.

Rule of Life #4

This is a guys only rule of life, sorry ladies.

Men, when you walk into a men's bathroom and you only have to pee and there is a urinal open, even if it is next to someone already peeing, don't use the stall. I know you're scared the other guy is going to look at your penis and think it's small, but man up. Chances are the guy next to you has no interest in seeing your ding-dong. All they want to do is pee. If all the urinals are occupied and thus you have to use the stall, don't be an asshole and life the toilet seat up. The last thing I want to do is enter a stall to drop a deuce and see your piss all over the toilet seat. It's just completely unnecessary.

What a Billion Dollar Home Can Get You.

I recently discovered that the first billion dollar home has been finished. You can check it out below.


(A billion dollars just can't quite get you what it used to.)















Now let's go over some of the parts that make this monstrosity just so damn expensive. The bottom six floors are a parking lot. Why you need so much parking space is beyond me, but I guess the owner has one hell of a car collection. Every floor differs in design and materials, which is more or less the most pointless thing I can imagine. It has railings made of silver, I guess to prevent splinters or anything of the sort. And it also has a four floor garden, which not only offers aesthetic beauty, but saves the building some energy. Well gee-whiz, aren't these guys environmentally friendly.

This dumb-ass, hideous looking house got me thinking. If I wanted to waste a lot of money which could go to a lot of better causes what would I do? Well, I thought of the real Todder's Playhouse, my dream home, so be prepared for a place of wonder.

First off, I would have a fully-functioning bowling alley. I think about six lanes would be good, but changes can be made if needed. Right next to those would be four full sized, indoor badminton courts. I don't want the elements to be involved at all. Next to that would be a full sized basketball court and a full sized football field. This will be the sports floor and the most important floor. The next few floors will have things such as bedrooms, movie theaters, bathrooms, full sized Olympic swimming pools, a trampoline room with padded sides and trampoline floor, a room with one of those fans that people use to practice sky diving, a go-cart track, a room with no gravity, an arcade room, and the biggest kitchen you've ever seen. There will also be a farm right outside the house where we will raise organically fed chicken and cows and there will be a garden with fruits and vegetables. Everything eaten in the house will come from this farm and the methane created by the animals feces will power the entire house. How's that for sustainability!

Well, that's the real Todder's Playhouse. I hope you think it's as great as I do. Maybe I'll see you there one day. Until that day, let's just keep on dreamin' and keep on writin'.

The Bod Says

On this page, everyday for the rest of my life, I will post a The Bod Says. It will be a daily tidbit of information which you will undoubtedly enjoy. So, with that said, enjoy.

Answer for one of the bens

One of the Bens writes:

Hey Bod,
When I was younger, probably still younger than you, but nonetheless I too would want to sleep in my parents bedroom. It seems as though it is accepted that that would be bad for your development as a child.

However, by all my accounts you and myself included have become such wonderful stunning individuals. So my question is, is it possibly better for the development of a young child to want to be close to his parents (via sleeping in their room) but then be disciplined not too to the point where you are so college and badass as an elementary student that you are significantly better prepared for your life compared to others in your age group? This is all compared to a "normal child" in "normal development" not having the desire for their parents room. Seems obvious that our hiccups at a young age put us ahead of the class, what's your take?

Well one of the Bens, I think you're certainly on the write track. There has been research conducted by esteemed sociological researchers which has shown a direct, positive correlation between how long you sleep in your parents bedroom and your success in life. Of course, the numbers do plateau and start plummeting back down if you sleep in your parents room in your teens and into your twenties, but neither of us are like that.

I'd love to write a more in depth response but you pretty much hit the nail in the coffin yourself with your question. Under the right circumstances and child-rearing ways, sleeping in your parents bedroom longer than other children can be extremely helpful in the development of a child. Yourself and I are prime examples of this. We grew up to be stunning individuals from the comfort of our parents bedroom floor.

Answer for anonymous

Anonymous writes:

DEAR THE BOD

I really want to grow a beard but unfortunately my facial hair grows slow.

If i want to grow a nice beard i will have to go through a "trashy" phase where it will look gross like that kid in high school who was growing a beard at age 14.

Although i have faith that this period of grossness will last 2 weeks until the beard flourishes better.

What should I do? Be gross for success or just be clean and smooth until i can reach rapid growth

First off, you should look at an earlier question I answered involving facial hair implants and the like. You might find some help there. Although a similarly themed question has been asked I will still answer your question as if it were the first of its' kind. Secondly, I take offense to the part where you state, "it will look gross like that kid in high school who was growing a beard at age 14." I was one of those kids and I assure you it was never trashy. At age 14 I could grow a beard better then most adults and you can take that to the bank and cash it.

Anyway, if you really want to grow a beard but in order to do so you must go through a trashy phase, well than that is what must be done. Sometimes in order for glory you must go through pain, and it seems as though this trashy phase of yours will be pretty painful. However, you will be a better man for not quitting when the going got tough and your beard will be all the more glorious for your sacrifices and dedication.

Also, if you are yet to grow a beard at a rapid rate it's probably never going to happen. I hate to burst your bubble but I don't want you to have any false hope that one day you will be growing a beautiful, flowing beard. If patchy is the best you can do, well than that's how it is. You are just going to have to stay strong and wait for the beautiful swan which will emerge from the ugly duckling which is your patchy beard.

Rule of Life #3

It has been a lot time since I have presented you with a rule of life and I am sorry for those of you running around out there like a chicken without it's head not knowing what to do without anymore rules of life.  Well, I apologize to you and I am back to put you on the right track.

This rule of life is about tipping.  Tipping is a very important aspect of life and if you don't know when and how to do it you can become very lost.  First off, tip your waiters around 20%.  If they suck then feel free to drop that percentage a bit, but you don't want to be known as that asshole who doesn't tip.  Not only are they handling your food and as such can do nasty stuff to it, but you don't want the non-tipper stigma attached to you.  You should also tip your local bartender (I know most of you out there are still in college, so I know you're going to your local watering hole.  Being college involves tipping, so be college.)

Below are some do's and don'ts of tipping.  You should follow them pretty religiously, but sometimes you will have to use your best judgement.  I know you'll do the right thing.

Do tip your waiter/waitress.  Do tip your bartender.  Don't tip your gas attendant (price is added into the gas price for full service).  Do tip your cleaning lady at your hotel.  Don't tip someone at a fast food place just because they have a cup (unless you have unwanted change.  You can throw that right in. (And if your Matt O'D you can reach right in there and take some out.) )  Do tip the bellhop.  Don't tip your friends who are helping you move (just say you'll buy them dinner and never do it.)  Do tip your mechanic or anyone fixing your car.  Don't tip your prostitute.  Do tip your stripper.  Don't tip your mailman, gardener, cleaning women, and so forth (just give them christmas bonuses or something).

There may be other occasions which arise which call for tipping or a lack of tipping.  Hopefully the guidelines given above will help you make the decision on your own.  Tipping is a tricky thing and you never want to just give away your money, but when it doubt, pull it out (your money that is.)  Best of luck.

Answer for modonne5

Modonne5 writes:

First off, I have a new slogan "Blogging makes me feel invincible" and second I have a question: Why are asians so fast? Is it because they historically are shown to have smaller limbs? Or is it simply due to their inherent magical powers?

I'd like to preface my answer by saying that I feel nothing but respect for the Asian community. I took some heat for my Gary Coleman and midget comments, and so I want the Asian community to know that everything I say below is strictly for comedic purposes. I know that not all Asians are fast and thus all comments stated are just generalizations. With that said, let's get too it.

First off Modonne5, I'd like you to know that I too have wondered this same question. Growing up as a tennis prodigy I noticed many things on the tennis court. One of those things was that I was very slow. Another one of those things was that most of the Asians I encountered were extremely fast. I suffered many a defeat to the speed of an Asian, and I always felt that if I had their tremendous speed I would have gone straight to the top. However, I do not have that speed so I went no where.

Anyway, my answer to you is that Asians are so fast because, in general, they are pretty small but very compact. They have a lower center of gravity which allows them to explode off the ground. Their limbs are perfectly proportional to the rest of their body, and as such everything moves together as one with fluidity and grace. They are also very aerodynamic and so neither the wind nor the air cause them much problems.

Another reason for the speed of the Asians is that many Asian cultures started out as nomadic hunters. As such, they were born with the chase inside of them. Some Asian cultures just have that inherent drive to run, and it gives them that great speed in which they conquer many a sport with.

Also, many Asian cultures were once part of the Mongolian Empire. As we all know, that was a brutal empire, but one with great ferociousness and speed. You haven't seen someone run until you've seen Ghengis Khan run. It is said that he once ran the 50 yard dash in 3.8 seconds. Now that's speed!

Some Asians may indeed have magic powers, i.e. Michael "Thunder Thighs" Chang, but I think most Asians are just born with that inherent gift to run. I sadly was not born with that gift, and so I have always admired the speed of my Asian friends as they flew past me as if I was standing still. Magic or not, they sure can move.

Todd's Stories #4

Since their is such a huge amount of requests for Todd's Stories (it did win the poll) I shall be giving a two-part Todd's story tonight. So put on your happy hats and prepare to be part of the life of Todd.

As a child, as we all know Todd was a strange child. If he wasn't, Todd's Stories simply would not be as entertaining. One of the strangest parts of Todd's childhood was that he did not enjoy sleeping in his own bed. No, he much preferred the floor at the foot of his parents bed. He even invited his friends when they slept over to sleep in his parents room (Julian Stauffer was the only one to ever accept). So that is where he slept for many a year. Cuddled into a little ball on the rug, Todd was happy as an otter. However, his parents were not always quite as happy as he was.

Due to the fact that Todd slept in his parents room way past the age he should have, his parents had to take some drastic steps. We all know that Todd is quite frugal and is also a bit of a scammer. As such his parents realized that paying Todd to sleep in his own room was probably their best option. So they decided to pay him $2 for every night he slept in his own bedroom. Todd, not being one to pass on the chance for easy money, took them up on their offer. This started Todd's long history of scamming and hoarding money. Plus, his parents were finally able to sleep without hearing little Todd snore and grind his teeth at the end of their bed.

The second part of Todd's Story begins while he was still sleeping in his parents bedroom, or so he thought.

One night Todd woke up in the middle of the night. Since he was on the floor in the middle of his parent's bedroom, he was no where near a light. It was pitch black, he had to go to the bathroom, and a light switch was no where to be found. So, like any reasonable child, he decided to scream for his dad to turn on the lights. "Dad. Daaad. Daaaaaaddd!" he screamed. However, there was no response.

Feeling brave this night Todd decided to make the trip on his own. He carefully tried to stand up, only find that he was in a bed. He couldn't have been more confused. That is until he realized, "ohhh, my parents moved my bed into their room." With this decided, Todd got up and walked to where the light switch should be, only to walk into a wall. He finally turned on the light switch to discover that he was actually in his own room, and that he was a complete idiot.

The moral of the story is make money anyway you can and when you wake up in the middle of the night make sure you know where you went to sleep.