Answer for Johny Sac

Johny Sac writes:

Todders,

Do you recall when you took a polaroid picture and there was something in the picture besides you and your friend? Mind elaborating and giving your opinion?

I think I recall the polaroid picture you are speaking of, but I have had many encounters with mystical Polaroids and so I may be confusing the account you are thinking of with any number of the other spooky accounts. As to the second question, I do not mind elaborating, but I do not have an opinion on the matter, the following are all facts.

The aforementioned Polaroid was taken on what seemed to be a regular, spook-free day. It was taken at the house formally known as the Prince's (they moved for those of you who don't know.) It was just a bunch of friends goofing around, taking some pics, nothing special. The Polaroid camera can be a great source of entertainment, and it was proving to be such on this evening. That is, until said picture was taken. It seemed like a regular picture upon taking it. Nothing special in the view finder, just the dining room table and some kids playing around. But after some wafting of the picture to speed up the development process we took a look at the picture, and someone was in it that should not have been. In the middle of the picture stood a clown, as if straight out of the movie It, staring back at us, as if he were peering through our souls. Some people would have you believe it was a smudge or a glare that caused the clown to be seen in the photo, but I know better. It could have only been the spirit of a clown that once lived in the house and died under painful circumstances and he was coming back to haunt any Polaroid pictures taken in that house. I don't know what he wanted with us, I'm just glad the Princes moved out of that house before he had the chance to do any more damage, besides the damage he did on all of our hearts that day.

Band of Brothers

I wish to tell you all a tale. It's a tale of war and peace, of love and betrayal, and of friendship and enemies. You may have even heard of this tale. It was called Band of Brothers, and it was a miniseries on HBO.

However, the Band of Brothers is not the tale I wish to tell this evening, even though I told you I did above. That was simply a rouse to get you interested. The tale I wish to tell you is the tale of a group of friends who knew in their hearts that they could make a better recreation of the events that took place in the miniseries Band of Brothers, and they were right. The group of friends was led by two fearless students on a mission to get the best possible grade they could. The recreation was a tale much like the tale of the Band of Brothers, one of war and peace, of love and betrayal, and of friendship and enemies. Well, maybe not war and peace or love and betrayal, but there was certainly a whole lot of friendship going around. That recreation can be seen below in two parts. Enjoy.

Zo: You Shall Be Missed

I just wanted to take a few minutes out to honor the newly retired basketball legend Alonzo Mourning. Mourning was one of the greatest and most tenacious NBA centers of all time, and he was also one of my favorite players. Frequently he would be the star of the childhood books that I wrote.

Mourning began his career at Indian River High School where he led his team to 51 straight victories and a state title his junior year. Zo played college ball at Georgetown University and led the nation in blocked shots his freshman year and was an All American his last year there. Zo was drafted into the NBA in 1992 and was selected second overall by the Charlotte Hornets (he was drafted behind Shaq Diesel). In his first year of play, Mourning averaged 21.0 pts, 10.3 rebounds, and 3.47 blocks and was voted on to the all-rookie team. In only his 49th game donning the teal and purple uniform, Mourning became Charlotte's all-time blocked shots leader. Unfortunately, due to contract issues and friction with fellow Hornet's star Larry Johnson, Mourning was traded to the Miami Heat after only 3 years of play.

While on the Heat, Mourning led the Pat Riley coached team into battle night in and night out. He averaged nearly 20 points and 10 repounds a game, and was twice selected as the NBA defensive player of the year due to his ferocious presence in the paint. During the '99-'00 season, Mourning was selected to the All-NBA first team after averaging 20.1 ppg, .511 field goal percentage, 11.0 rebounds per game, and 3.9 blocked shots. In 2000, Mourning was diagnosed with focal segmental glomerulosclerosis, which forced him to miss 5 months of that season. His conditioned worsened and he was forced to miss the '02-'03 season and the Heat did not pick up his expiring contract. Although he signed a four year contract to the New Jersey Nets in 2003, Mourning retired on November 25th due to further Kidney complications. On December 19th he underwent a successful Kidney transplant.

No kidney problems could hold back Zo for long, and after some un-exciting events I care not to discuss, Mourning again signed with the Miami Heat on March 1st, 2005. Although Mourning was only a back-up to Shaq daddy, he did start on many occassions due to Shaq's ailing back problems. Mourning's minutes were limited due to his physical ailments, but when he was on the court he played with every bit of fire and tenacity that he always had, and helped win the Heat the second best record in the NBA in the '05-'06 season. He was even given the nickname, "The Ultimate Warrior" because of his style of play. And in 2006, he was finally able to win the elusive NBA Championship while on the Heat. Mourning would return to the Heat the following year, but after tearing his patellar tendon in his right knee on the four year anniversary of his kidney transplant, Mourning was forced into retirment, not able to make another miraculous come back.

Mourning is a 7 time NBA All-Star, and one of the best defensive players to ever play the game. He played with a ferociousness that has yet to be matched in he NBA, and was even mention in Lil' Bow Wow's song Basketball from the Like Mike soundtrack, with Bow Wow stating, "And when I'm in the paint I play wit that Alonzo style", which, by the way, is impossible. Zo, the game simply won't be the same without you, and your presence will be missed.

Todd's Stories #14

First, I broke my pinky while snowboarding. I caught an edge, twisted around, and smacked my hand against the ground hard enough to break solely my pinky. If that weren't cool enough, I had to wear an entire hand cast for that one poor lil' pinky. Even worse, the pinky didn't heal properly and so I had to go to an occupational therapist for my pinky. That's right. I had to go to an occupational therapist for my pinky. Next, I had the infamous fainting incident which we all know and love so well by now. I was spreading cream cheese on my bagel, I fainted, I woke up on the ground, and had to spend the next few days vomitting and having tests run on me. And now, only two days ago, in what can only be summized as God laughing at my manhood, with a sick stomach and not sure if I had to vommit, I bent over, fainted, hit my head on a magazine rack, and had to get ten stitches above my eye.

While some kids have cool stories about their battle wounds, such as they were trying to do a 720 off of the half pipe but had to change their flight pattern to dodge a bird and fell on their arm and broke it, or they were off on a hike and had to fight off a pack of wild wolves with a walking stick but were bitten by one of them and need stitches across their chest, these stories above are my battle stories, and they could not be less manly. For all my manly qualites (i.e. my beard growing abilities) having bad-ass injuries is just not one of them. I guess we can't all be blessed with cool scar stories, but my injuries are as lame as they come.

Answer for J.R.

J.R. writes:

Dear Todd,

Here's a free idea: Battle of the Beards

Preside over this: Jesus vs. Honest Abe Lincoln.

First off, sorry for taking so long to answer your question J.R. Oh wait, that's not a question. This is the Ask Todd section, not the idea section. If you would like an idea section at Todder's Playhouse where you can post ideas, then you can ask me in the Ask Todd section how I feel about an idea section, otherwise please save the Ask Todd section for questions only.

(Abe's beard is pretty solid, but not wild enough. This is not Jesus, but rather Jean Claude Van Damme. I couldn't keep this picture a secret.)

As for your "free idea", Jesus obviously wins this competition. His beard was longer and more lustrious (as far as most paintings go). Props go out to anyone that is willing to invest the time into grooming and maintaining their beard, but that's just not very manly. Grooming your beard too much is like trying to tame a wild beast, which is something that should never be done. If I'm a lion, I don't want to be all cute and cudly and fun to play with, I want to eat shit and tear shit up. The same goes for beards. If I'm a beard I don't want to be all manicured and trimmed down, I want to be left to flow and be alive.

Of course, since I've never met either of these dear fellows, this is all just heresay, and I couldn't possibly make a definitive ruling without some sort of time machine where I could get an up close and personal look at each persons beard.

Look Out Hip Hop, Here Comes Joaquin Phoenix

No, quite unfortunately that title is not a joke. I'm sure most you by now know that Joaquin Phoenix has retired from acting in order to become a musician. Ok, that's stupid because you're a good actor and just because you played a talented musician in a movie doesn't make you one, but it's respectable. Going after your dreams is something that can never truly be frowned upon. The guy simply wants to tap into a different part of his artistic capabilites, right? Wrong. It turns out, and this I'm going to quote from another article so you know it's for real, "Phoenix is embarking on a new path as a rapper, with an album to be produced by Sean Combs." I don't know if while on the set of We Own the Night he and Marky Mark had some rap battles and Joaquin thought he was on to something, but this could not be a worse decision. Not only is he becoming a rapper, but Cassey Affleck (the two are friends and that better be the only reason for him doing this), is going to direct a documentary about Joaquin's musical career. I can only imagine it will be the shortest film of all time.

I don't know if Joaquin knows this or not, but not many actors-turned musicians go on to have a very successful music career. The likes of Bruce Willis, Eddie Murphy, David Hasselhoff, Tony Danza, and Steven Seagal have all tried, and failed, to have a successful music career (however, Murphy's My Girl Likes to Party All the Time is fantastic.) The only people who have any success are the ones that do it the other way around, a la Will Smith and Mark Wahlberg, although I still have no idea how Wahlberg managed to become an actor after that heinous start.

At any rate, best of luck to you Joaquin. I'll probably listen to your first single and deem it horrible and then watch the documentary about you just to see how bad it is. The first performance is to occur tonight in Las Vegas. I can't wait to watch it on youtube. You can check out a practice performance if you follow this link. It's truly awful.

Levitation, Here We Come

Until recently, levitation was a concept saved for the imagination. Only characters with special powers (i.e. Magneto) or characters with special suits (i.e. Ironman) could levitate, and that is due to their special power and/or special suit. Good magicians can also levitate, but it has yet to be proven if this is a mere illusion or actual sorcerery. I levitated once, but that was in a dream.



(I don't know how this guy does it. Simply incredible.)




Well, science has once again brought our dreams to reality. Scienctists have found a way to levitate the smallest of objects using the still much mysterious quantum mechanics. Scientists even said that they might use this new found form of levitation to help make tiny nanotechnology machines (the world of microscopic sciences has never seen so many tremendous advances in miniature technologies.)



If only we were ants. We could be having the time of our lives floating all around. That, or if we developed a shrinking ray. Being able to levitate would be well worth being the size of tiny particles. Plus, we'll have all these new fangled nanotechnology machines to play with. It would be a blast. We just need to talk to the makers of Honey I Shrunk the Kids, and see how they pulled it off.

Where Are Your Nipples?

I know I'm supposed to be the one answering questions not asking them, but I have a question for all of you out there reading this blog which I would like your help answering. How do human beings know exactly where their nipples and belly button are at any given time? How, regardless of your surroundings, are you capable of putting your finger tip right on your nipple and being positive of where it is? Is that strange to anyone else?

Answer for oneofthebens

oneofthebens writes:

Angel (or whoever currently cuts your hair),

Have you checked out the movie the minis? It stars Dennis Rodman playing bball with some little people. Didn't think double trouble could be topped but this could be close. Any thoughts?

Well oneofthebens, I actually do not know the name of my current barber, but unfortunately it is no longer Angel. I do however long for the days where Angel would give me a fantastic fade haircut, but alas, those days are no more.

I am ashamed to say that I have never heard of The Minis. I am also ashamed to say that I was unaware that Dennis Rodman was still in the acting game, or still alive for that matter. I thought he had faded into the sunset and retired from acting, knowing that he could not possibly match the brilliance of Double Team. But it seems as though I was wrong, because Dennis Rodman is back and better than ever and doing what he does best, playing basketball with dwarves. This could be the best concept for a movie since Air Bud. From the trailer it also looks brilliantly acted. In all seriousness this is the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen, and after watching the trailer I am nearly at a loss for words. Check it out for yourself below. Nevermind that it's in Italian, the words are of no consequence.

And if you want to see something even more insane, check this out.

Answer for The Best

The Best writes:

Bod-So,

I was creating my list of top 20 movies of 2008 and was curious to see your list of top movies of 2008. Whatchu got? We shall compare.

-The Best

First off, I don't know who this "Bod-So" character you are referring to is. Maybe you meant to start off my writing So, Bod..., but otherwise I am quite confused. I had a second of all, but it's kind of mean so I won't write it.

My top ten list so far this year in no particular order would have to include, "In the Name of The King: A Dungeon Siege Tale", "How She Move", "Hannah Montana & Miley Cyrus: Best of Both Worlds Concert", "Over Her Dead Body", "Fool's Gold", "The Hottie and The Nottie", "Step up 2 The Streets", "Never Back Down", "Kiss the Bride", "Made of Honor", "Space Chimps", "Goal 2: Living the Dream...", "Surfer, Dude", and, "Fireproof." I know that's 14 movies, but I just couldn't possibly leave any of them off the list.

The above list was comprised because it was the only oppurtunity I would have to use humor in this post. I have not seen any of the above movies, except of course Made of Honor (Who could resist the allure of McDreamy). Honestly, I don't think I have even seen 20 new movies this year so your list is going to be much more comprehensive than mine is, but I'll make a list nonetheless. My list will only be ten movies so it's not just a complete list of movies I have seen.

1. The Dark Knight - Come on, what did you expect.
2. Wall-E - An entertaining movie with little to no actual words. Impressive.
3. In Bruges - Collin Farrel in his element making fun of midgets.
4. The Foot Fist Way - With a redneck karate teacher you can't lose.
5. Iron Man - Solid through and through.
6. Horton Hears a Who - Just darling.
7. Pineapple Express - Just keep those guns cocking.
8. Burn After Reading - A fist pumping Brad Pitt and a sex machine making George Clooney.
9. Choke - Nothing like a movie about a sex addict.
10. Quantum of Solace - Daniel Craig in all out ass-kicking mode.

An extra nod goes to Hamlet 2. It could have been extremely funny, but only the last half hour was so.

There you go. Feel free to tell me what you think.

Answer for Jason

Jason asks:

Dear Todd,

Do you floss before or after you brush your teeth?

Jason, this is a very good question. Dental hygiene, as most of you know, is an extremely important issue in my life. Even when I was a child and I had only one tooth, I would brush the shit out of that tooth. Teeth have always been a major part of my life, from my younger days looking like Sloth, to my days as a brace face, to my days wearing head gear, and even to my current days with my immaculate pearly whites. With all my various teeth issues I've had no choice but to place dental hygiene high up on my list of important issues. Lord knows I've had enough dental problems, and I don't want the likes of excessive tartar or plaque buildup to be added to the list.

In all honesty, I didn't begin to floss my teeth until recently. I always thought I should, but I was always afraid of moving my teeth with the floss (Don't ask, I'm really paranoid when it comes to the movement of my teeth). However, I knew I wasn't completely living up to the high standards of dental hygiene I had set for myself without flossing. And so, about a year ago, I began flossing my teeth every night.

Currently, I floss my teeth after I brush. I do this because I want to get all the big stuff out of the way before I go after the smaller stuff hidden inbetween the cracks. I wash my teeth, then I rinse, then I floss my teeth, then I rinse again to make sure nothing gets left behind. I feel that if you were to floss before brushing you might just brush some of that tiny stuff right back in there. On the flip side, brushing after flossing does ensure that everything is out there in the open so it can be brushed away. It's a tough choice, but I feel as though I have made the right one. Perhaps one day I'll reverse the order of my brushing and flossing, and when that day comes you'll be the first to know how it goes.

Happy New Year

Wow. What a year. 2008 was a year that saw China have their worst snow storm since 1954, a lunar eclipse across North America, the creation of Todder's Playhouse, a surgery to place bionic eyes in the heads of blind people, the Phoenix spacecraft land on Mars, the creation of the website Beards Etc., Typhoon Fengshen, World Youth Day, the resurgence of pirates, a stampede in the Jodhpur temple, the inaugeration of the Large Hadron Collider, my 23rd birthday, and of course, an extra leap second was added to the end of the year. Oh, and there was a tiny financial crisis, but that was no real biggy.

This is the first post of 2009 at Todder's Playhouse, and as such I'd like to start it off with the the customary New Year's resolution, which we definitely plan to uphold at the Playhouse. Our New Year's Resolution is to make Todder's Playhouse even more humorous, educational, and friendly. We set a pretty high bar for ourselves in 2008, but bars were meant to be hurtled, and that's what we here at Todder's Playhouse intend to do in 2008. We've come a long way, but we intend to go a lot further and we invite all of you out there to come join us on a wacky and crazy adventure that will be known as 2009. Who knows, we may even pick up a few new friends a long the way. So lace up your boots, put on your overalls, strap on your fanny pack, and let's get this year rolling.