Sly on his Grind

Here's some production footage of Sylvester Stallone getting his grind on as both bad-ass actor and bad-ass director for The Expendables. How you can possibly take this guy seriously and take directions from him is beyond me, but hey, he sure does know about action movies and he sure does grow a nice go-tee. It seems as though everyone is a bit scared of him on the set, and rightfully so. He also seems quite amped about the movie, and so am I. Plus, seeing Eric Roberts and Stone Cold run together is like magic happening right before my eyes.

Note: I have no idea why one would respond, "That's sex" when seeing a plane fly over head with gas coming out of one of its' engines. Do you?

Trying to Steal From Dolph? Are You Fucking Kidding Me?

According to my sources, several burglars broke into Dolph Lundgren's place in Spain. Apparently, they even tied up and tormented Dolph's wife. However, when they realized that the housed belonged to Mr. Lundgren after seeing a picture of him in the bedroom, they peaced that place quicker than Dolph's right jab.

Although I can't believe that there is any actual proof that upon seeing said picture the burglars ran off in fear, it is not a very far fetched conclusion. If I broke into a house (which I would never do because I am upstanding citizen) only to discover that it belonged to Dolph Lundgren aka Ivan Drago aka He-Man aka Frank Castle aka GR13, ya God damn right I'd leave that place. Have you seen Universal Soldier? That mother fucker can track down anything. Plus, he's a gigantic Russian. Not someone I want to mess with.

The Three Fs of Dancing

While poppin' and lockin' it with my good friend Vin, brother of the late great Azindon Morrone, we came up with the three main steps needed to be a good dancer. Once we discovered these three easy steps we, with our good pal Steven, spread the word like lighting so others too could be fantastic dancers. The three steps are very easy but work like magic. The first thing you have to do is Find the beat. You listen. You get into it. Then, you Feel the beat. You really start vibin. You find the core, the bass thumping center of that tunage, and when you're finally ready you take it to the final F of the process: you Fuck the beat. It's as simple as that. You Find the beat. You Feel the beat. You Fuck the beat. Bingo bango. Done deal. You're breaking hearts.

Answer for Jorge

Jorge writes:

BOD,

If you had to choose one of these two diseases to contract which would it be? A disease where you have a uncontrollable bad odor after 5pm or a disease where you lose all the hair on your body and it never comes back.

BTW, your BOD-y is a wonderland.

First off, let me thank you Jorge for complimenting my bod. Anyone who quotes John Mayer while talking about me, especially while talking about my body, is ok by me. That John Mayer sure does have a way with words.

As for your question, I'd say I'd lose all the hair on my body before having uncontrollable bad odor after 5pm. Firstly, since I assume the head and facial hair are excluded from the hair loss, at least I would look normal to unsuspecting bystanders. If I had to lose my eye brows that would be a whole nother story, but since I don't, I'd take the hair loss. Plus, in this day and age I could get surgically transplanted hair where I wanted it all over my body. Body plugs are the newest rage, and I would surely hop on that bus. I could get like tiger hair surgically inplanted on my chest. Pretty bad-ass if you ask me. If not, I could always become a swimmer, and as such have a logical explanation as to why I have no body hair. I admit having no real body hair would be creepy, but smelling bad is the pits, and when that bad smell isn't just coming from your pits, it's even worse. I suppose you could cover it up a bit with eau de toilette, but I don't want to smell like an eighth grade boy getting ready for the big dance for the rest of my life (I won't take this smell covering up where you think I'll take it. That's just mean.) Being the smelly kid is terrible, and being the smelly grown man I would imagine would be that much worse. At least you'd smell ok for the work day, but after that your social life, like your chances of ever getting a girl again, would be gone.

Todd's Dreams #5

So, last night I had one of the better/weirder/scarier dreams of my life. I don't recollect it in its' entirity, but the parts that I do remember are fantastic, so enjoy.

I was in this sort of warehouse and I guess I was on like this police task force. We were going in to capture Jon Voight, for what reason I cannot recall. We stood up from behind crates and there he was, all by his lonesome, or so we thought. As we approached him, his men hidden in the corner of the room stood up and lit up all of my fellow taskforce people and everyone was left dead except myself and Jon Voight. I put up my gun to Jon Voight and said it was over, at which point he attacked me and bit off my nose. That was the end of that chapter of my dream.

Apparently that same day was my sister's wedding. I had to go the wedding sans nose, and to save myself from the embarassment, I kept my hand covering where my nose would be so that no one could see that my nose was no longer there and that I was bleeding. I don't know if I started to realize I was in a dream or something, but at some point I started thinking that maybe my nose wasn't bitten off and that I just thought it was. I was scared, but I put my hand up to my nose, and low and behold it was still attached to my face. I then woke up touching my nose. It was still there in real life as well.


("Check out my rosy cheeks!")

Nonetheless

What's the deal with nonetheless being one word? Weird. Speaking of weird, what's the deal with the e before the i in weird? That also is weird. Thoughts?

Rocky vs. Drago vs. Jet Li vs. The Monkey King? You Got It

That's right folks, even more Expendables updates. I'm not one to endulge in spoilers for films because I like to be as shocked as possible about what is going to happen in a film, but when Dolph Lundgren speaks, I listen. According to Dolph, "I play a mercenary who's part of Sly's team." Seeing Dolph and Sly team it up on the big screen is not nearly the good part (although it sure as shit is good). Dolph goes on to say, "[My character] ends up getting fired by Stallone. Later in the picture, some other sinister character trying to get back at Sly and his people, hires me to take him out. Because I need the money, I do it. There's a showdown between me, him and Jet Li." What? Are you serious? A show down between Dolph, Sly, and Jet Li? It just doesn't get much better than that (Let the record show that Jet Li played The Monkey King in The Forbidden Kingdom).

Todd's Stories #17

This is a recently learned Todd's Story and definitely not one that I remember, but also definitely worthy of retelling. As a child I had rather bad asthmar. That part I knew. What I didn't know was that when it got really bad I had to take this liquid stuff which contained steroids in it. For those not in the inhaler club, most asthma inhalers do indeed contained an inhaled steroid, but the liquid form is way different and way more potent. This was at the age of four. So, apparently, I would basically get roid-rage at the age of four. After taking said liquid steroid asthma healer (like once every few months, not a big deal) I would get really angry and be a huge pain in the ass and throw major temper-tantrums. After these episodes I would basically crash and start crying. Absolutely hilarious.

The moral of the story is, as in many other Todd's Stories, Todd was a sick child. This also explains why Todd is so ripped. It does not explain his overall calm demeanor.

Lou, What Were You Thinking?

I don't care how cuddily he may seem, how goofy he may be, how many times he may dance with the "Jabawakeez," how many times he may talk in the first person, how many times he pretends he's playing ShaqFu, how many times he yells out, "I am Kazaaaam!," you do not pull a prank on Shaqulle O'Neal. It's just not a smart idea. I guess Lou Amundson didn't get that memo, because he did just that. As excellent as his prank was, it could not possibly be worth the reign of terror that I can only imagine Shaq is about to throw down on Lou. I wouldn't put it past Shaq to come out for practice one day and have on his entire costume from Steel and start shooting shit at Lou with his hammer. That's just how Shaq gets down. He's a goof, and you just have to live with it. Plus, why would you tell anyone that you did this? You have to enjoy it on your own, and that's it. If you're going to pull a prank on Shaq you better get away clean. You leave behind no evidence and you tell no one. But Shaq knows it was you Lou, and you better watch your back. As Shaq himself says, "Payback is a female dog," and you can take that to the bank and cash it Lou, and you better cash it quick and enjoy it because Shaq is soon to retaliate.

Note: I love how Shaq gets all these people to clean his car for him. I can imagine Shaq, upon seeing his car filled with this shit, going, "Ahh hell nah, Shaq don't clean up his own car. Yo, Pepe, clean this shit up for me," and walking away. That's how Shaq rolls.

Answer for Little girl from the picture

Little girl from the picture writes:

Hi Todd!

Remember me? I remember you! I saw you every year when you came to my house and tried to find me. You scared me a little, starring for what seemed like hours while Erik and your other friends wrestled. But I'll bet not as much as I scared you! It was fun, being there sometimes, hiding from you shortly after. You were always one of my favorites. You made me a little mad though from time to time, going on about that pretty video game character. Don't make me angry, Todd, or you never know where I'll turn up next. So I was wondering, where does looking for me rank among the scariest moments of your life? How about a top 5 or top 10 list?Thanks! I'll be watching.

Yours always,
Little girl from the picture

First off, this is the most well written question I have yet to receive, so I congratulate you on that. Second off, this is very girl like written, which is impressive since I know a guy had to have written it, unless this is Mrs. Wilhelmsson or something because that's the only woman who may know what this is about.

For those of you that aren't in the know, the little girl from the picture is in reference to a picture that was in our dear friend Erik Wilhelmsson's house. Every year for birthday time Erik would have a sleepover party at his house, and there, waiting, would be this picture. It was a creepy picture with this girl in it that always seemed to move around (if I remember correctly). If you've ever seen the episode of Are You Afraid of the Dark? where people get trapped in paintings, it is the exact same thing. Anway, this question did indeed catch me off gaurd and I could not quite figure out what it was referencing, but when I did the memories came flooding back.

In truth, looking for you, Little girl from the picture, never really scared me because I am not a wuss (sometimes). I have indeed been scared by completely irrational things, but this was not one of them. However, I will still conduct a top 5 scarey moments in my life list nonetheless. Admittedly, none of them are all that scarey. I haven't had very many encounters with fear, not only because I am a man, but because I simply haven't had many fear enducing events take place in my life. Sure, I've been scared from movies and such, but not many events have been all that memorable. That being said, the list is a bit dull, but I'll see what I can do to spice it up.

5. Santa Claws. When I was a wee-lad my parents took me to see Santa Clause and he, rightfully so being this jolly old fat man, scared the crap out me and made me cry for many a hour. Needless to say, no picture was ever taken of me with ol' St. Nick. Note: I do not remember this event, just the recounting of it by my parents.

4. The skunk at the garbage bags. One night after a wedding was held at my old house and there was a large amount of garbage bags outside, I went to take out the last one. When I went to place the garbage bag with the rest of them, there waiting for me was a skunk! The fear of being sprayed and smelling like ass and burnt rubber scared me and sent me running back inside, shrieking all the way.

3. The bat behind the shudder. Bats are one of the few creatures I'm not too cool with. They're super gross and I'm not a big fan of getting rabies shots. So you could imagine my suprise when, while removing a shudder from outside of my old house, I found a bat waiting for me behind it. As in the skunk incident, the bat sent me running back inside, shrieking all the way.

2. Where are the Kellys? This is sadder than it is scarey. One night while playing man-hunt with my good friends the Kellys (at their old house with a rather large back yard filled with woods and such) I simply could not find any of them. For what seemed like hours I searched hopelessly in the dark for any member of the Kelly family in hiding. I walked far outside the borders of the game looking for them, still with no avail. I finally, frightened and cold, walked back to the house screaming for them to come out. They were all huddled near the house and laughed at me upon my return. Oh how my feelings were hurt.

1. Fire in the Sky. I saw the movie Fire in the Sky at around the age of ten (complete guess), an age far too young to see such a scarey as fuck movie. It's based on a true story, and when you're of such a young age that pretty much means it's true, which inturn makes it significantly scarier. If that wasn't bad enough, after the movie was done my brother and his friend, who are 6 years older than me, insisted on playing hide and go seek outside in the dark. I did, and of course had to search first. When I found my brother he was hiding in the bushes bobbing back and forth with his hat on backwards. "Russell, Russell, is that you?" I asked. No answer. "Russell, I got you, you're out." No answer. Finally, I went in for a closer look at exactly the same time he decided to jump out and scare the shit out of me. Not fun. Game over. I went inside and I imagine could not fall asleep for quite some time.

If any readers out there want to share some of their past scarey moments feel free to in the comments section.

Bo Knows the Obamas

I have a quick question for you. Why does everyone care what dog the Obamas get? I really don't understand the fascination of the Obamas pet life. I get it, you're the first family, and he is the first dog. That does not make me interested at all to know what pet you own. I'd be more interested if a friend or family member got a new puppy so I could go play with it. So, news, see what you can do about updating me on any recent pet purchases by my friends and family so that I can go play with the animal rather than simply seeing it on the tv screen, cause that's no fun.

In case you didn't know, this post comes off the recent news that Senator Edward "Ted" Kennedy gave the Obamas a portugese water dog for their first pet, and they named it Bo, presumably after Bo Jackson (actually named after Michelles uncle who was nicknamed Diddley, i.e. Bo Diddley). Now I have nothing against portugese water dogs nor their non-allergenic hair, and I understand that we are trying to be all "internationally friendly" and all, but a portugese water dog? Come on? Couldn't you have gotten an American dog? An American bulldog perhaps (that's the only American dog I know, and it's all that I care to know, thank you. Chance from Homeward Bound was a great dog and much more deserving of the White House than Bo ever will be.) I just think we're sending the wrong signal to other nations with this dog. We shouldn't be relying on other nations for our cars, our food, our manufactured goods, or our pets. I want my dogs, just like everything else, from America. So can't we all just tell Sasha or Malia Anne or whoever is allergic to dogs to suck it up and take one for their country, cause that's what a real American would do, and even Bo Knows that.

Answer for Weiner Schnitzel

Weiner Schnitzel writes:

Bod,
If you were in a serious relationship and you noticed your girlfriend was letting herself go how would you approach solving that problem? I don't care how comfortable you are with someone, thats hard to say. However, I feel it is unfair to your partner if you let yourself go because physical attraction is a big part of a healthy relationship. So please let me know how you would approach this, whether its just tell her or more subtle ways. Thanks.

Definitely a difficult situation, and it is a fine line you must dance or you will definitely end up in the dog house. I think (/I know) the answer to your question depends not only on your girlfriend's phsyical status, but your own as well. I'm going to have to assume that you are probably not in tip-top shape because a) if you were your girlfriend would be less likely to let herself go, and b) your name is Weiner Schnitzel. I've never met a skinny weiner schnitzel lover before. As such, your problem my be solved as easily as doing a little working out yourself. When your girlfriend sees you taking care of your body she will be inclined to do the same. Or you could ask her to go for a walk or some other physical activity together with her, and make it a regular occurrence. You'll spend enjoyable time with your girlfriend, all the while getting her and yourself in better shape. Another tactic you may try depending on your living situation is to make more home cooked meals. You can control the amount of calories you serve and make a healthier meal. If you cook with your girlfriend you could also spend some quality time together making a deliciously healthy meal.

If you're in good shape and your girlfriend is indeed "letting herself go," you may have to buck up and say something. It is a conversation that no man wants to have, but if you find yourself becoming less and less attracted to your girlfriend, for the sake of the relationship it is a convo that must be had. If you truly care for one another one painful converation is much better than the even more painful slow drifting apart that will occurr otherwise. You just have to remember to be as nice as possible about it and make her realize you are only saying this stuff because you care for her and you want the relationship to work. It is by no means an easy task and will almost definitely not go well, but you gotta do what you gotta do. Good luck and God speed.

Answer for oneofthebens

oneofthebens writes:

Have you seen he bodysnake yet?

Nice, quick, and simple question. I like it. I have now seen the bodysnake, but that was only after you posted this question. For those of you unfamiliar with the bodysnake, check this out:




I would certainly never order a bodysnake because of the sheer ridiculousness of it, but it's actually a pretty good idea. I myself use a liquid body wash, along with a regular old loofah, and without someone there to do the washing for me I simply can't get to those hard to reach places. I would imagine those of you using bar soap have the same issue. The bodysnake seems to solve that issue, and solve it well. It's probably a bit excessively large, but aren't most things these days?

I think way funnier than the bodysnake is the foot scrubber that comes along with it. That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen. As if cleaning your feet was super difficult before. And not to be vulgar or anything, but it's kind of like your stepping into a vagina or something. Not something I'm interested in doing. So stupid.

The Future of Uncool Travel

If you want to save gas and money, and all the while look like as big of a dork as possible, well then the future is bright for you. Introducing the P.U.M.A.:









The P.U.M.A. (Personal Urban Mobility & Accessibility, pretty wack) is the end result of a collaboration between General Motors and Segway (if you couldn't tell, seeing as this is basically a two-standed Segway with a sneeze guard.) This bad boy reaches a top speed of 35 m.p.h. and takes only 3 hours and 35 cents to charge. Although this is indeed a very economical and eco-friendly means of travel, it would also be quite embarassing to be seen "driving" one of these. Not to mention you are arguably safer riding a bicycle. Plus, unless you are dating a hippy, this might not be the best way to pick up a girl for a date. But who knows, maybe your date would love feeling like they are riding the Spaceship 3000 and would enjoy the adventure. Road head would be impossible though. Bummer.

Gary Coleman on White People

In case you had any doubts, Gary Coleman does not like white people. Gary is obviously one of the angriest people on this planet, and while being interviewed about the upcoming film Midgets vs. Mascots, Gary admitted his distaste for white people. My favorite part is when he is talking about racist white people as he's dressed in an Elvis costume (who was white by the way.) Priceless. Check it out, as well as the unrated (uh-oh) trailer of Midgets vs. Mascots which is premiering at the Tribeca Film Festival. It is the most ridiculous looking film/premise I have ever seen, and how it got accepteed to the Tribeca Film Festival one can only imagine.

Todd's Dreams #4

Last night I had a dream where I had Heely like shoes, but they were like eight years old. They were black and neon green and the wheel in the heel of the shoe was slightly off center and was neon green. My mother and I were throwing out old stuff and I found these shoes and did not remember ever owning them. They still fit and so I wore them and was very excited about it. End of dream.

I need no help deciphering this dream. It shows I desperately want a pair of Heelys and wish I was good with them. It shows I wish I had dope old school shoes. And shows how embarassing it is that my feet have grown so little in the last ten years.

This Just In

This just in! Todder's Playhouse is not the funniest, cleverest, wittiest, and most entertaining blog on the internet!

April Fool's! It is.

Make Mother/Child Bonding as Creepy as Possible!

You know Snuggies, right? Those stupid looking blankets with sleeves that you secretly, deep-down, yearn to have. Well, consider this the Snuggie for a parent carrying their child who, while staying as warm and cozy as possible, wants to draw as much attention to themselves and as many looks of horror as possible. Behold. The Peekaru (like peekaboo, but with ru instead of boo).

This is not a joke. I repeat. This is not a joke, or at least not one that I am in on. If it is a joke, I just got owned, but I don't think it's a joke.

If you want to look like you're giving birth to your child from your chest, then this is for you. If you want to feel what it's like to have one of those aliens from the movie Alien pop out of your chest without all the pain and horror (well, maybe some of the horror), this is for you. If you want your baby to feel like Jim Carrey when he is escaping out of the rhino-robot's butt in Ace Venture 2: When Nature Calls, then this is for you. To put it simply, if you want to look like a creep fest, but a snuggly, warm, and comfortable creep fest, then this is for you.