Todd's Stories #20

In certain aspects of my life I have always been pretty private. I'm not one to readily share my secrets or thoughts, and when it comes to pooping, the same is true. While on the toilet, I, like most people, like to have my privacy. However, unlike most people, my need for privacy started at a much earlier age. As a very young toddler and not pottytrained, when I needed to take a dump I would like to do it without wandering eyes on me. I may be going in my diaper and may need to be soon changed, but that doesn't change the fact that I wanted to be left alone while excrementing. So, what I would do is I would crawl or woddle over to behind a couch and not until I knew no one was around did I let one lose.

The moral of the story is look out if I'm hiding behind a couch.

News Updates

The first news update is that over the weekend there was a glorious Tomball tournament and the stats are now online. For those of you not in the know, Tomball is a 3 v 3 basketball game on lowered hoops with a mini ball. Pure genius. Any who, follow the link to check out some stats. Vids to come.

http://tdthecorner.blogspot.com/2009/06/tomball-2009.html

The next order of business involves an up and coming comedian. You may or may not have heard of him, but his name is Randy. He's about to explode, so jump on the train before it takes off and strike while the irons hot.

http://www.laughyourdickoff.com/

Finally, a volcanic eruption which occurred two weeks ago in Russia is giving many Americans and Europeans beautiful, lavender sunsets, so if you have been seeing abnormally beautiful and lavender sunsets, that's why.

Boob Support

This video comes from a good friend of the Playhouse. He is sometimes known as The Yellow Man, he is sometimes known as Sooo Good, but you probably know him as RBurke. At any rate, check out the video below.



First off, $55? What? I mean, I guess for a good nights sleep it's worth it, but can't you just role up a hand towel and squeeze it in there or something? Also, what's with the most pregnat woman of all time? Although I don't believe that she's actually pregnant, if she is, that lady is in no condition to be shooting commercials. It looks like she swallowed a beach volleyball and is about to burst. Finally, I may be mistaken, but I believe millions of big breasted women have slept fine before the Kush Support, and I believe they will continue to do so after the Kush Support. I am certainly no big breast expert and I unfortunately cannot relate to how it feels to have a bountiful bossom. However, I cannot imagine the Kush Support is the solution to any sleeping problems.

Puppies: A Convicts Best Friend

Everyone knows that puppies are like alcohol: they can heal all of lifes problems. Well, that fact is now being put to good use at the Fishkill Correctional Facility in upstate New York (have you ever noticed the farther north you drive the more towns have kill in them?) The inmates there are taking place in a new program called Puppies Behind Bars (which sounds like a family comedy staring The Rock as the hard nosed prison guard who, after spending much time with the puppies, decides he has to set them free). The prisoners are given an 8-week old puppy and taught to train them to become service dogs for the disabled. Although this seems like it could go horribly wrong and does indeed sound like a joke, the wonders of puppy dogs have been working their magic on the inmates. The puppies and prisoners are together 24 hours a day, with the puppies sleeping in crates in the prisoner's cell (we'll see what PETA has to say about that.) The unconditional love of the puppies breaks the hard exterior crust of these inmates hearts, teaching them to love again and what it means to have a responsibility. There are many sappy quotes from inmates and the disabled in the article I read, but we'll leave that part out.

Apparently, this program was brought to national light by Oprah, and in an ironic twist for the ages, it was brought to her by none other than Kruella Devil (spell check) herself, Glenn Close. Personally, I take that as a bad omen. Glenn Close hates puppies, and I trust no one that hates puppies.

Taste Explosion

This just in. There must have been some major breakthrough at the Slim Jim Factory in Garner, North Carolina because there was literally a flavor explosion. Four workers were critically burned and dozens more were injured. Many also suffered from ammonia inhalation. I assume that means that ammonia is the secret ingredient that gives Slim Jim that extra kick. I hope the breakthrough was worth the injuries, but knowing Slim Jim, I'm sure it was.


Note: The factory is located at 4851 Jones Sausage Rd. It cannot be a coincidence that the Slim Jim factory is located on a Sausage Rd. The only questions remains is who this Jones character is.

Todd's Stories #19

Many of my close friend already know this, but for others this may come as a bit of a suprise: in a former life of mine I was a rap superstar. That is the only explanation for my unparalleled rhyming skills for a white suburbanite. As a youth, I tapped into those skills on many occassions. I also showed my love for the streets with my FUBU and Timberland gear. Although these days my skills are only seen in the rap battle forum, I used to be quite similar to Lil' Wayne, never writing my rhymes down, but always keeping track of them in my head. Here is an example of one of my finest:

It's the T-O-double-D
I don't know why they wanna trouble me
Is it because their bitch be suckin' me
Or it is because my slow flow remarkable
I throw my rhymes like CB-4 and MC Gusto
This ain't nothing on the skeem of thangs
I blow you up worse than Marlon Wayans
Do to Keenin, I be skeemin
It's just the meanin of the thang
Bang Bang Bang, is that you that rang?
Don't come knockin on my door or I'll make you hit the floor
With the power of the Eiffel Tower
Then I'll truly duly smoke a dooby
You're a newby so I'll take it easy, you're sleazy

I don't remember the rest if there was in fact a rest. Another example of my skills comes from an earlier part of my life.

I'm stronger than King Kong
And smarter than Phil Phong
And I'll beat you at ping pong

For those of you that don't know, Phil Phong is quite smart.

The moral of the story is I will slay you in a rap battle. Also, I had many issues as a youth.

Lucky Cat

Over the weekend, a cat deservingly and stupidly named Lucky, fell 26 stories from a Lower Manhattan building and survived. The owner, who apparently has never heard of screens, left her window open six inches wide when Lucky decided to give his name a test drive. He went out on the ledge, slipped, and fell 26 stories onto the balcony of someone below. I thought cats were supposed to be smart. Where did this cat think it was going to escape to? That is, unless this cat knew that it had exceptional abilities to fall from great heights and survive unscathed, in which case cats are way smarter than we give them credit for. Below is a picture taken by window washers across the street who must've been working really hard if they were able to spot a cat climbing out of a window across the street and then capture it's misadventure. For that matter, why do window washers carry a, by the looks of the picture, pretty good camera. Perhaps these skeezos were taking pictures of people inside the building they were washing. Perhaps they are undercover cops and the cat is a secret agent stealing something tiny but extremely important from it's former owner or planting bugs (not bugs like fleas, bugs like cameras and such. It's a technical term) in the owner's apartment. Perhaps they are theives planning a heist. Which is it? Only time will tell.

No Hugs For You!

Apparently there is an epidemic of hugging going around amongst the youths of today. As a form of greeting, today's kids are not merely saying, "hi", shaking hands, or slapping five. Instead, they are giving each other full out hugs. It has gotten so bad that some schools, such as Hillsdale High in NJ (of course NJ) have banned hugging. You may be wondering, well what's so bad about hugging? A lot, that's what. First off, this hugging thing is throwing bullies into a spiral of confusion. Instead of beating up weaklings, they are forced to hug them and it's causing their self-confidence to go through the roof. Who needs that? Bullies should do what they do best: beat up nerds as a form of drawing attention to themselves and their own personal issues. Secondly, all this hugging amongst same sex friends is causing an asexual culture to develop. Don't quote me on this, but I'm pretty sure that's how gay spreads. Thirdly, it forces the awkward kids who would otherwise receive no physical or emotional effection to get the attention that they so badly long for. This in turn leads to more kids being friends and succeeding, which in turn leads to more competition later in life. If the bottom-feeders would just stay where they belong, on the ground where the bullies put them, society would be much better off.

Clinton's in Trouble Again

Yesterday, The National Archives (not a very catchy name. They should come up with something with a little more flare) "lost" a computer hard drive which contained sensitive data from the Clinton administration, including Social Security numbers, Secret Service and White House operating procedures, and the truth about the blow job incident. What Clinton doesn't want you to know is that he actually has erectile dysfuntion. The whole Monica Lewinsky thing was just a cover up so people would think he could get it up. Well, the truth's out now. He can't. Realistically, Clinton is probably the one who stole the hard drive to keep this information hidden, but through my many sources I found out the truth.

The other reason Clinton would want the hard drive is so he can have the social security number of one of Al Gore's daughters (it's on there). Which one has yet to be determined. Most people don't know that Clinton has a long standing feud with Al Gore due to the success of An Incovenient Truth. Clinton was never a fan of the environment, and at the first screening of the film, Clinton could be overheard saying, "Bill doesn't curb his green house gas emissions. I'll get you for this, Gore." Apparently he plans on acting as Gore's daughter in some diabolical plan that one can only assume involves sending prank hug-o-grams and such to Gore's home as a means of revenge.

Got no Job? Got no Healthcare? Here, Have a Boner on the House

Pfizer, the pharmaceutical company who manufactures such miracle drugs as Lipitor and Celebrex (celebrate Celelebrex, you know the one) has decided to provide 70 of its' most widely used drugs (70? That's a lot of damn drugs. I'll have to do some research on what all of these drugs are and who's using them and report back) for free to people who have lost their jobs and do not have health insurance. Pfizer has said that it will give the drugs away for up to a year to those who have lost their job since January 1st and have been on the Pfizer drug for at least three months.

Now, I think this is a wonderful thing Pfizer is doing because without a job and health insurance many of these people would not be able to afford the drugs they need to live a normal and healthy lifestyle. However, I find it extremely funny that one of the drugs out of the 70 that Pfizer will be giving away is Viagra. Yup, the boner drug. I can just see the commercial for this drug handout now. They could get real Viagra users who have lost their jobs and put their testimonials on tv for all to see. Testimonials such as, "well, I lost my job, but at least I can still get a boner," and "In this economic climate I'm not in the mood to do the nasty nearly as often, but when I am, I'll be ready." What a wonderful story. Warms the soal. Perhaps there will even be extreme cases where a person is laid off and eventually becomes homeless, but he can still get his Viagra. Come to think of it, I can't imagine anything worse than being homeless with a five hour boner.

SPOILER ALERT: TERRIBLE JOKE COMING

Maybe the homeless person can pitch a tent with that boner and then they'll no longer be homeless. Ehhhh.

Water For All

Can you drink dehumidifier water, because if you can I think I just solved earth's clean drinking water issues. All we need to do is set up industrial strength dehumidifiers in the worlds most humid locations (i.e. my house at this current time), suck up that water, and disperse. It's as easy as that.

On second thought, maybe I'll just keep this idea for myself and make mad loot out of it. I'll buy a bunch of dehumidifiers and set them up outside. When they are full, I will bottle that water and sell it to the highest bidder. Done deal. Bingo bango. Jingo jango.

This Ain't Star Trek

So, it turns out Hustler is coming out with a XXX version of Star Trek called This Ain't Star Trek (good English Flynt). It's an ingenious plan. Create a porno based on a movie that cums out around the same time, a movie which is highly geared towards nerds, a faction of the human race that is also coincidentally highly into porn. A Star Trek porn is a nerds wet dream (so is any sci-fi porn for that matter), and now those nerds can see that dream up on their tv (I'll admit that I am indeed a nerd, but I am no Treky). The only problem is that this trailer is quite possibly the least erotic thing I've ever seen. I get that it's on YouTube and hense no tittes or things of that nature, but this display of eroticism is quite pathetic. I'm of the opinion that if you're going to make a porn that's more than just humping, you should also step up the acting and production values, both of which are obviously missing from this one. Maybe I just hold my pornos up to too high of a standard, but I know that William Shatner and all of the rest of Trekkies will be greatly disappointed by this. My favorite part is when that weirdo with the pony tail yells out, "Khhhaaaaan." Fantastic. Check it out below.

It's a Nice Place to Visit, But I Wouldn't Want to Live There

I just wanted to make a quick shout out to one of the greatest movies of all time: Suburban Commando. For those that don't know, Suburban Commando is a star-vehicle for Hulk Hogan. Hogan plays Shep Ramsey, an inter-gallactic hero who is forced to take a vacation on planet earth. While there, he is tracked down by, you guessed it, inter-gallactic bounty hunters. Christopher Lloyd plays a troubled father who is unappy at work and is looking to spice up his life with a little adventure. He ends up renting part of his house to Hogan, unaware of the excitement and danger that is in store for him. When it's all said and done, Hogan and Lloyd become best of friends. Check out the trailer below.

Todd's Stories #18

As a primer for this story, I just want you to know I've always been a fatnastic driver. This was no exception.

One day in sophmore year of high school I was driving to school in order to take place in a romping good badminton match. I was to play my good friend Erik, one of the finest badminton players Byram Hills High School has ever seen. On my way, one of those dumb little mini-buses made a turn onto my street. It turned too wide, and with those Dumbo ear like mirrors it scratched the side of my car. I awkwardly sat in my car and called my mom to come help with the sitch (I was like two houses down from my house). When everything was handled I went and played badminton. I will miss a badminton match for nothing.

A few weeks later, after the damage was totaled and it was obvious it was the buses fault, I received a check from the school for $700. What did I do with that money? Roughly half of it was used to cover up the scratches on my car. Not caring about the scratch on my window which would have called for an entirely new window, I got a new paintball gun with the rest of the money. Done deal.

The moral of the story is if you don't care about your car, car accidents can be quite profitable for your hobbies.

Answer for oneofthebens

oneofthebens writes:

Hey Wodd,

I love your blog but recently your foul language has caught my attention, two F Bombs in your last two posts! Is this something that will continue, or is it an aberration? I'm fine with it going on but I can no longer show my children your wonderful advice, and if I do it will have to be censored possibly ruining the integrity of your intended words

First off, I'd like to thank you for your love of the Playhouse. Your fanship is much appreciated.

Now let me just say this: I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about. Just joshing! I understand your concern, but I want you to know that it is completely unfounded. I may have upped the ante on foul language, but I do so when it is necessary and emboldens the statements I write. My belief on curses is that they should be used only when they perfectly accentuate the preceding or postceding (is that a word?) statement. Curses, although they may be a staple of a seedy underbelly of society, can add a level of panache that no normal word can match. I would never want to offend any of my readers, especially none of the children whom are so important to our future, but when I feel a curse is going to due one of my beautifully crafted sentences the most justice, then I'm simply going to have to add it. Besides, your children are bound to run into these curse words on a daily basis so they might as well learn the proper usage of them and how to place them within a sentence to gain the most benefit from them.

I hope you see my side of the coin oneofthebens, and I hope my usage of curse words will not turn you off from the Playhouse. I appreciate your loyalty and would never want to hurt you.

Trying to Steal From Dolph? Are You Fucking Kidding Me?

According to my sources, several burglars broke into Dolph Lundgren's place in Spain. Apparently, they even tied up and tormented Dolph's wife. However, when they realized that the housed belonged to Mr. Lundgren after seeing a picture of him in the bedroom, they peaced that place quicker than Dolph's right jab.

Although I can't believe that there is any actual proof that upon seeing said picture the burglars ran off in fear, it is not a very far fetched conclusion. If I broke into a house (which I would never do because I am upstanding citizen) only to discover that it belonged to Dolph Lundgren aka Ivan Drago aka He-Man aka Frank Castle aka GR13, ya God damn right I'd leave that place. Have you seen Universal Soldier? That mother fucker can track down anything. Plus, he's a gigantic Russian. Not someone I want to mess with.

The Three Fs of Dancing

While poppin' and lockin' it with my good friend Vin, brother of the late great Azindon Morrone, we came up with the three main steps needed to be a good dancer. Once we discovered these three easy steps we, with our good pal Steven, spread the word like lighting so others too could be fantastic dancers. The three steps are very easy but work like magic. The first thing you have to do is Find the beat. You listen. You get into it. Then, you Feel the beat. You really start vibin. You find the core, the bass thumping center of that tunage, and when you're finally ready you take it to the final F of the process: you Fuck the beat. It's as simple as that. You Find the beat. You Feel the beat. You Fuck the beat. Bingo bango. Done deal. You're breaking hearts.

Answer for Jorge

Jorge writes:

BOD,

If you had to choose one of these two diseases to contract which would it be? A disease where you have a uncontrollable bad odor after 5pm or a disease where you lose all the hair on your body and it never comes back.

BTW, your BOD-y is a wonderland.

First off, let me thank you Jorge for complimenting my bod. Anyone who quotes John Mayer while talking about me, especially while talking about my body, is ok by me. That John Mayer sure does have a way with words.

As for your question, I'd say I'd lose all the hair on my body before having uncontrollable bad odor after 5pm. Firstly, since I assume the head and facial hair are excluded from the hair loss, at least I would look normal to unsuspecting bystanders. If I had to lose my eye brows that would be a whole nother story, but since I don't, I'd take the hair loss. Plus, in this day and age I could get surgically transplanted hair where I wanted it all over my body. Body plugs are the newest rage, and I would surely hop on that bus. I could get like tiger hair surgically inplanted on my chest. Pretty bad-ass if you ask me. If not, I could always become a swimmer, and as such have a logical explanation as to why I have no body hair. I admit having no real body hair would be creepy, but smelling bad is the pits, and when that bad smell isn't just coming from your pits, it's even worse. I suppose you could cover it up a bit with eau de toilette, but I don't want to smell like an eighth grade boy getting ready for the big dance for the rest of my life (I won't take this smell covering up where you think I'll take it. That's just mean.) Being the smelly kid is terrible, and being the smelly grown man I would imagine would be that much worse. At least you'd smell ok for the work day, but after that your social life, like your chances of ever getting a girl again, would be gone.

Todd's Dreams #5

So, last night I had one of the better/weirder/scarier dreams of my life. I don't recollect it in its' entirity, but the parts that I do remember are fantastic, so enjoy.

I was in this sort of warehouse and I guess I was on like this police task force. We were going in to capture Jon Voight, for what reason I cannot recall. We stood up from behind crates and there he was, all by his lonesome, or so we thought. As we approached him, his men hidden in the corner of the room stood up and lit up all of my fellow taskforce people and everyone was left dead except myself and Jon Voight. I put up my gun to Jon Voight and said it was over, at which point he attacked me and bit off my nose. That was the end of that chapter of my dream.

Apparently that same day was my sister's wedding. I had to go the wedding sans nose, and to save myself from the embarassment, I kept my hand covering where my nose would be so that no one could see that my nose was no longer there and that I was bleeding. I don't know if I started to realize I was in a dream or something, but at some point I started thinking that maybe my nose wasn't bitten off and that I just thought it was. I was scared, but I put my hand up to my nose, and low and behold it was still attached to my face. I then woke up touching my nose. It was still there in real life as well.


("Check out my rosy cheeks!")

Rocky vs. Drago vs. Jet Li vs. The Monkey King? You Got It

That's right folks, even more Expendables updates. I'm not one to endulge in spoilers for films because I like to be as shocked as possible about what is going to happen in a film, but when Dolph Lundgren speaks, I listen. According to Dolph, "I play a mercenary who's part of Sly's team." Seeing Dolph and Sly team it up on the big screen is not nearly the good part (although it sure as shit is good). Dolph goes on to say, "[My character] ends up getting fired by Stallone. Later in the picture, some other sinister character trying to get back at Sly and his people, hires me to take him out. Because I need the money, I do it. There's a showdown between me, him and Jet Li." What? Are you serious? A show down between Dolph, Sly, and Jet Li? It just doesn't get much better than that (Let the record show that Jet Li played The Monkey King in The Forbidden Kingdom).