No Hugs For You!

Apparently there is an epidemic of hugging going around amongst the youths of today. As a form of greeting, today's kids are not merely saying, "hi", shaking hands, or slapping five. Instead, they are giving each other full out hugs. It has gotten so bad that some schools, such as Hillsdale High in NJ (of course NJ) have banned hugging. You may be wondering, well what's so bad about hugging? A lot, that's what. First off, this hugging thing is throwing bullies into a spiral of confusion. Instead of beating up weaklings, they are forced to hug them and it's causing their self-confidence to go through the roof. Who needs that? Bullies should do what they do best: beat up nerds as a form of drawing attention to themselves and their own personal issues. Secondly, all this hugging amongst same sex friends is causing an asexual culture to develop. Don't quote me on this, but I'm pretty sure that's how gay spreads. Thirdly, it forces the awkward kids who would otherwise receive no physical or emotional effection to get the attention that they so badly long for. This in turn leads to more kids being friends and succeeding, which in turn leads to more competition later in life. If the bottom-feeders would just stay where they belong, on the ground where the bullies put them, society would be much better off.

Transforminators: Nobody Beats the Bale

For the first time in about a year I have been slightly busy, and as such I have not been able to write the well thought out and educational posts that you are used to. To keep you busy until I write a real post, feast your eyes on this.



"And worst of all, eating all of our sand."

Crazy Straws

Here's an idea from our good friend odonnellMONSTER. I think the idea is dece, but I can't really think of anything else to post about so I'll do it anyway. Look at the screen shot below.




Now come up with names for the crazy straws and post them in the comments section. Some of odonnellMONSTER's examples include Jealous? and Check This Out. Some of my own examples include Check Out My Crazy Straw, Suck It, Straw Magic, You Wish You Had a Straw Like This, Party Starter, I Love Waiting For My Drink To Come Out Of My Straw For a Really Long Time, and Loopty-Loop. My names are a bit longer than his.

Clinton's in Trouble Again

Yesterday, The National Archives (not a very catchy name. They should come up with something with a little more flare) "lost" a computer hard drive which contained sensitive data from the Clinton administration, including Social Security numbers, Secret Service and White House operating procedures, and the truth about the blow job incident. What Clinton doesn't want you to know is that he actually has erectile dysfuntion. The whole Monica Lewinsky thing was just a cover up so people would think he could get it up. Well, the truth's out now. He can't. Realistically, Clinton is probably the one who stole the hard drive to keep this information hidden, but through my many sources I found out the truth.

The other reason Clinton would want the hard drive is so he can have the social security number of one of Al Gore's daughters (it's on there). Which one has yet to be determined. Most people don't know that Clinton has a long standing feud with Al Gore due to the success of An Incovenient Truth. Clinton was never a fan of the environment, and at the first screening of the film, Clinton could be overheard saying, "Bill doesn't curb his green house gas emissions. I'll get you for this, Gore." Apparently he plans on acting as Gore's daughter in some diabolical plan that one can only assume involves sending prank hug-o-grams and such to Gore's home as a means of revenge.

Mega Shark vs Giant

My good friend Thomas sent me a link to this trailer (although I had already seen it but he probably won't believe me and would want credit) for this movie, and I have to say I have not seen such an accurate film about animals in the wild in quite a long time. This makes March of the Penguins look like Surfs Up. It's refreshing to see a movie portray animals in the wild and showing a side of these wonderful creatures that people rarely get to see. For instance, not many people know that sharks can fly, but as you can see in this trailer, it is obvious that they can (no stunt sharks were used during the filming of this movie). Also, few people know about the octopus' cat like reflexes, as can be seen when the octopus swats at the plane. Sharks and octopuses are also natural enemies, which not many people know as well. The sculpture in the Museum of Natural History (I think) in New York City where the giant squid is fighting the sperm whale is actually based on the many clashes that take place between sharks and octopuses. Why they switched the sperm whale for the shark and the giant squid for the octopus, I do not know. I guess the artist just had a thing for those two wonderful beasts. One little glitch is that the correct name for a shark such as this is the megaladon, but I'll let that one slide for all the other accuracies shown throughout the film.

Got no Job? Got no Healthcare? Here, Have a Boner on the House

Pfizer, the pharmaceutical company who manufactures such miracle drugs as Lipitor and Celebrex (celebrate Celelebrex, you know the one) has decided to provide 70 of its' most widely used drugs (70? That's a lot of damn drugs. I'll have to do some research on what all of these drugs are and who's using them and report back) for free to people who have lost their jobs and do not have health insurance. Pfizer has said that it will give the drugs away for up to a year to those who have lost their job since January 1st and have been on the Pfizer drug for at least three months.

Now, I think this is a wonderful thing Pfizer is doing because without a job and health insurance many of these people would not be able to afford the drugs they need to live a normal and healthy lifestyle. However, I find it extremely funny that one of the drugs out of the 70 that Pfizer will be giving away is Viagra. Yup, the boner drug. I can just see the commercial for this drug handout now. They could get real Viagra users who have lost their jobs and put their testimonials on tv for all to see. Testimonials such as, "well, I lost my job, but at least I can still get a boner," and "In this economic climate I'm not in the mood to do the nasty nearly as often, but when I am, I'll be ready." What a wonderful story. Warms the soal. Perhaps there will even be extreme cases where a person is laid off and eventually becomes homeless, but he can still get his Viagra. Come to think of it, I can't imagine anything worse than being homeless with a five hour boner.

SPOILER ALERT: TERRIBLE JOKE COMING

Maybe the homeless person can pitch a tent with that boner and then they'll no longer be homeless. Ehhhh.

Why Hello There Spring

I Just wanted to make a quick shout out to spring. I've been in a shout out mood recently. First it was Suburban Commando, and now it's spring. I just like to give credit where credit's due. Anywho, these are some of the only enjoyable days of the year weather wise, and so soak it all up while you can. The bitter coldness of winter has gone, and it's only a matter of a couple of weeks before the bitter hotness of summer arrives, so enjoy this nice, brisk weather while you can. For my money (I can, and do, buy weather when I'm in the mood) there is no better weather then a sunny day where you can where jeans and t-shirt and feel comfortable, and then at night slip on a zip-up hoodie and be golden. These are the days to frolic in a meadow, pick a daisy, pick two daisies, go searching for four-leafed clovers, unknowingly step into a patch of poison ivy or poison oak, tuck your pants into your socks and go for a hike, make love in an apple orchard, and look up at the stars and wonder what if c-a-t really spelled dog (if you don't get it go out and rent Reveng of the Nerds II: Nerds in Paradise quick). These days of spring are to be cherished, so I hope you're doing some cherishing.

Water For All

Can you drink dehumidifier water, because if you can I think I just solved earth's clean drinking water issues. All we need to do is set up industrial strength dehumidifiers in the worlds most humid locations (i.e. my house at this current time), suck up that water, and disperse. It's as easy as that.

On second thought, maybe I'll just keep this idea for myself and make mad loot out of it. I'll buy a bunch of dehumidifiers and set them up outside. When they are full, I will bottle that water and sell it to the highest bidder. Done deal. Bingo bango. Jingo jango.

This Ain't Star Trek

So, it turns out Hustler is coming out with a XXX version of Star Trek called This Ain't Star Trek (good English Flynt). It's an ingenious plan. Create a porno based on a movie that cums out around the same time, a movie which is highly geared towards nerds, a faction of the human race that is also coincidentally highly into porn. A Star Trek porn is a nerds wet dream (so is any sci-fi porn for that matter), and now those nerds can see that dream up on their tv (I'll admit that I am indeed a nerd, but I am no Treky). The only problem is that this trailer is quite possibly the least erotic thing I've ever seen. I get that it's on YouTube and hense no tittes or things of that nature, but this display of eroticism is quite pathetic. I'm of the opinion that if you're going to make a porn that's more than just humping, you should also step up the acting and production values, both of which are obviously missing from this one. Maybe I just hold my pornos up to too high of a standard, but I know that William Shatner and all of the rest of Trekkies will be greatly disappointed by this. My favorite part is when that weirdo with the pony tail yells out, "Khhhaaaaan." Fantastic. Check it out below.

It's a Nice Place to Visit, But I Wouldn't Want to Live There

I just wanted to make a quick shout out to one of the greatest movies of all time: Suburban Commando. For those that don't know, Suburban Commando is a star-vehicle for Hulk Hogan. Hogan plays Shep Ramsey, an inter-gallactic hero who is forced to take a vacation on planet earth. While there, he is tracked down by, you guessed it, inter-gallactic bounty hunters. Christopher Lloyd plays a troubled father who is unappy at work and is looking to spice up his life with a little adventure. He ends up renting part of his house to Hogan, unaware of the excitement and danger that is in store for him. When it's all said and done, Hogan and Lloyd become best of friends. Check out the trailer below.

Todd's Stories #18

As a primer for this story, I just want you to know I've always been a fatnastic driver. This was no exception.

One day in sophmore year of high school I was driving to school in order to take place in a romping good badminton match. I was to play my good friend Erik, one of the finest badminton players Byram Hills High School has ever seen. On my way, one of those dumb little mini-buses made a turn onto my street. It turned too wide, and with those Dumbo ear like mirrors it scratched the side of my car. I awkwardly sat in my car and called my mom to come help with the sitch (I was like two houses down from my house). When everything was handled I went and played badminton. I will miss a badminton match for nothing.

A few weeks later, after the damage was totaled and it was obvious it was the buses fault, I received a check from the school for $700. What did I do with that money? Roughly half of it was used to cover up the scratches on my car. Not caring about the scratch on my window which would have called for an entirely new window, I got a new paintball gun with the rest of the money. Done deal.

The moral of the story is if you don't care about your car, car accidents can be quite profitable for your hobbies.

Answer for oneofthebens

oneofthebens writes:

Hey Wodd,

I love your blog but recently your foul language has caught my attention, two F Bombs in your last two posts! Is this something that will continue, or is it an aberration? I'm fine with it going on but I can no longer show my children your wonderful advice, and if I do it will have to be censored possibly ruining the integrity of your intended words

First off, I'd like to thank you for your love of the Playhouse. Your fanship is much appreciated.

Now let me just say this: I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about. Just joshing! I understand your concern, but I want you to know that it is completely unfounded. I may have upped the ante on foul language, but I do so when it is necessary and emboldens the statements I write. My belief on curses is that they should be used only when they perfectly accentuate the preceding or postceding (is that a word?) statement. Curses, although they may be a staple of a seedy underbelly of society, can add a level of panache that no normal word can match. I would never want to offend any of my readers, especially none of the children whom are so important to our future, but when I feel a curse is going to due one of my beautifully crafted sentences the most justice, then I'm simply going to have to add it. Besides, your children are bound to run into these curse words on a daily basis so they might as well learn the proper usage of them and how to place them within a sentence to gain the most benefit from them.

I hope you see my side of the coin oneofthebens, and I hope my usage of curse words will not turn you off from the Playhouse. I appreciate your loyalty and would never want to hurt you.