Flying Turd Wreaks Havoc

Recently in a museum in Switzerland a giant inflatable poop, created by American artist Paul McCarthy, escaped from the museum and caused damage in the neighboring town.  It took down a power line and broke numerous windows before the big dump finally deflated.  The art work, rightfully titles, "Complex Shit," is roughly the size of a house and was carried by the wind 200 meters.  The art piece has a safety system which usually deflates the turd during a storm, but it failed to work on this night and the poop simply flew away.  

Being attacked by a giant piece of shit could quite possibly be my worst nightmare.  This actually broke the window of a little girls room.  Imagine the problems that that girls is going to grow up with.  The reoccurring haunting dream of being chased by a giant poop.  It doesn't get any worse than that.  Not to mention the nicknames she'll receive.  The little children in her school will call her such things as, "giant poop," "poop face," "poopy mcpooperson," "doody butt," and many others.  The possibilities are endless.

Harry Potter Soon to Have One Less Advantage Over The Rest of Us

(Nahhhhh Harry, nahhhh.)








Scientists are now saying they are one step closer to creating materials which would enable invisibility. Researchers demonstrated for the first time that they could cloak a 3-D object. The cloak works by using artificially engineered materials to redirect light away from the object. Cloaking uses materials known as metamaterials to deflect light, radar and other waves around the object.



Take that Harry Potter. That dumb ass cloak of yours isn't special anymore. Soon all of us are going to be running around with capes that can hide us from the world. This cloaking device, once it gets into the open market, will make it easier for all of us to rob, steal, and murder. It will also make it much easier to watch people (for me women, but whatever floats your boat) get undressed through their window without having to worry about whether or not they can see you. It also makes it easier to play funny tricks on people. Imagine just standing in the street and letting people bump into you. They'll think they're running into nothing and go crazy, but in reality they will have just hit you. It's wonderful. You can also rob a bank without anyone knowing. Just walk right up to the money, momentarily reach your hand out of the cloak (the workers will just see a floating hand and freak out), take the money, and leave.

More likely than any of the previously mentioned uses for the cloak are military uses for the cloak. If you think we killed alot of people now wait until the day when no one can see us do it. The only reason we haven't murdered every last Iraqi is because someone will see us do it, tell on us, and then we'll be in trouble. There would be riots and protests all over the world, even here in the U.S. However, if no one knew we were even there and we just killed everyone, nothing would come of it. It's perfect. Total world domination here we come.

Take That Weather (As said by a Chinese person)

Having the Olympics in your home country is a huge deal, and the Chinese realize this. As such, they are not going to let anything ruin it, and that includes the weather. That's why in the past week the Chinese goverment has been cloud seeding. They use cannons and rockets to shoot silver iodide into the clouds into the sky, hopefully forcing them to rain and thus create precipitation. The idea behind it is that if it rains enough before the Olympics, during the Olympics precipitation will be limited (yeah, I'm sure that'll work). The goal of the seeding is also to wash the pollution from the air (which obviously did not work. See pictures of the fog-like haze of pollution which floated around Beijing for proof. Nice try China. We know you pollute a lot, a little cloud seeding isn't going to change that.)

China is the world's number one advocate of cloud seeding. They spend about $90 million a year on research and implimintation, and while other countries attempt cloud seeding as well, China blows them all away (with wind, another type of weather China is attempting to control.) Cloud seeding has worked in the past, but by no means is it gauranteed to work. The science behind it is a little bit, "cloudy."

With China already well on its' way to becoming the economic powerhouse of the next decade, if they gain control of the weather there will be no stopping them. Our only hope would be if Halle Barry was actually Storm from X-Men and could counter-balance the Chinese' weather attacks. The Chinese already have the most advanced technologies and billions of little Chinamen, with the weather in their grasps their is no telling what they would be capable of.

The truth is, the Chinese are trying to scorch the skies like in The Matrix. They've been able to keep a tight lid on it up until now, but it turns out the country is being overwhelmed with artificial intelligence robots which run on solar power. Hopefully Keanu Reeves reads this blog and calls Morpheus to put a stop to the robots before it's too late.

Rule of Life #6

When you are walking around on sidewalks and such and people are around you, use your brain, use your eyes, and be considerate of others. Don't be one of those idiots that just stops in the middle of the sidewalk and looks dumbly around and causes the person behind them to drastically have to change their walking. Don't be one of those idiots in a group of idiots which span the entire length of the sidewalk and walk at an irritatingly slow pace and do not allow people to pass them. Don't be one of those idiots that thinks that he/she can only walk in a perfectly straight line and ends up shouldering other people. Walking is really quite simple. You just have to be considerate of others, you have to use your eyes to see where other people are, and you have to use your brain to recognize when you are being an idiot and annoying other people.

If you are still having trouble, try taking some lessons from Howie Peej:

Why Let Your Children Live When You Can Mummify Them With You?

DNA tests have recently begun to determine the lineage of two fetuses buried in the tomb of King Tut, but it is already being speculated that the unborn children are the offspring of King Tut himself.


(So adorable.)






Some experts believe that if the children are not Tut's than they were probably placed in the tomb to allow Tut to live as a newborn in the afterlife (why would you want to live as a newborn for eternity? If these aren't Tut's children then the stupid Egyptians really screwed him over.)

You may be asking yourself why a king, with no children born to carry out his lineage, would mummify his only two children? One reason, which many experts believe, is because the two children both died as babies, probably stillborn. How you can determine such a thing, I'm not quite sure, but that is what many people believe.

I think the more reasonable explanation, and if this is the case I'm with Tut on this one, is that he just want to be buried with all of his possessions. Screw everyone else. King Tut, like any rational man, wanted to be buried along with everything he owned, including his children. Also, if he has to be mummified, why should his children be spared the same fate.

It could also be that King Tut was just such a loving father he didn't want his children growing up without their true father. As such, he had them mummified and buried along side him. King Tut was simply afraid that his children would grow up without their father and not knowing the ways of the world, and so he wrapped them up for all of eternity. It's what any good father would want.

A Fight Not Worth Fighting

Some people fight to save the rain forests. Some people fight to end world hunger. Some people fight to end the war in Iraq. Some people fight to end racism and discrimination. Andrew El-Khadi fights to keep the place open where posers of all the above mentioned gather. That's right, Andrew is fighting to keep a Starbucks open near him in Bay Ridge. One of the many Starbucks to recently close it's doors was Andrew's go to place for that jolt of java, and he won't stand for it. Andrew aims to gain signatures for his petition to keep the Starbucks open, and once he gains 100 he will present it to the chain's district manager. However, Starbucks has said the decision to close the doors of Andrew's Bay Ridge area coffee mecca is final.

I understand the idea that something doesn't have to be as big as ending AIDS in Africa in order to fight for it, and I'm all for it. The story of the man who stands up for what he believes in is a story I love to hear, and one which will never get old. However, with all the things in this world worth fighting for, why fight to keep Starbucks open? Why fight to keep the harbinger of the end of American culture alive?

Stabucks is like a disease. It spread all across the world sucking in innocent pedestrians who were simply looking for some place to relax and drink a good cup of coffee. However, what those people got instead was a place where the coffee really isn't that good, and it costs a crap load more than it's worth. A place where all of the employees are emo children who have an air about them as if they are better than you. A place where a normal cup of coffee cannot be ordered, and where a "tall" is the smallest thing you can purchase. A place where it's pretty much all luck whether or not you get the drink you thought you ordered, and a place where some sort of caramel or vanilla swirl has to be added to everything.

Despite the rapid rate of infection all across the globe, it seems as though we may have found the cure for the Starbucks epidemic. That's right, it turns out the way to close the Pandora's box that was opened and which led to a Starbucks being placed on virtually every corner is really quite simple. It's by using your head. Once you realize that the coffee at Starbucks is really not that good and is extremely over priced and once you get tired of the obnoxious struggling musician or poet behind the counter, it's quite easy to stop the spreading of Starbucks before it gets any worse. Just go to Dunkin Donuts or McDonalds where you can order your coffee in English, get it faster, get it a fraction of the price, and have it taste just as good, if not better. It's really quite that simple.

To be fair, the idea behind Starbucks is not a bad one. A place where you can go to relax and drink something delicious is a place that I will never turn down. However, when you can see multiple of those same stores on the same block in every city in the world, it's a bit too much. The air of an Italian cafe which they were going for is completely lost when the company just wants to put up as many stores as phsyically possible as fast as possible and make as large of a profit as possible. The dream behind Starbucks is a good one, but the execution was awful.

Good luck to you Andrew, and to every other poor soul out there not yet freed of their Starbucks addiction.

Answer for One of the Bens, juss keeding its always pasinkoff

One of the Bens, juss keeding its always pasinkoff writes:

Hey Bod,
How much can a male use facebook until it starts to get a little weird? And does saying "tag that" everytime someone takes a photo of you ever get old?

Well One of the Bens, juss keeding its always pasinkoff, that is a very good two part question and I'm glad you asked.  A male's manhood can often be judged by how much they frequent facebook, and seeing as how I am all that is man, my standards for excessive facebook use should be followed religiously.  That is unless you want to be deemed as unmanly as a guy frosting his tips (I did it once, it was a mistake), in which case don't follow my advice.

One major indicator of facebook weirdness is the number of applications you have.  Anything over two or three applications is weird.  Once you get past that number you are spending far too much time on facebook.  I get it if you enjoy reminiscing about the past with the Oregon Trail Application, but once you start getting involved in which superhero you are and shit like that, you've gone too far.

Another major indicator of facebook weirdness is how frequently you update your status.  Personally, I have my own rule of never updating my status because I think it's stupid, but if you feel the need to do it, try to keep it to at most once a week.  Any more than that it becomes blatantly obvious that you spend far too much time on facebook.

A final indicator of facebook weirdness involves stalking.  Some people, especially females, learn way too much about others via facebook.  When you know about people being in relationships because you've looked through all their pictures and can tell they are dating, that is weird.  Or when you meet a friend's friend and you know who they are through their pictures on facebook, that's weird as well.  Any sort of facebook stalking is weird, and although it's pretty typical from females, if your a male and you do it it's really weird.

The "tag that" quote depends on the situation and who's saying it.  If you say it like, "yo, tag that bro," and you are joking, that will take a long time to get old.  If you say, "yo, tag that bro," and you are serious, that's pretty sad.  Saying "tag that" can be very funny, but if done by the wrong person and the wrong time, it can be horrifically unfunny.  So, just use your best judgement and try not to over do it.  Good luck.