Answer for Steve

Steve, more commonly known as Weave, asks this:

Todd,
When is it acceptable to wear a hockey jersey?
Weave

I must admit I don't know that much about hockey. Growing up under the roof of Lon Easton is not conducive to hockey players and as such I never really got into it. However, I still know when it is acceptable and not acceptable to wear a hockey jersey, so here we go.

It is acceptable to wear a hockey jersey to a hockey game. It is not acceptable to wear a hockey jersey to any other sporting event. It is acceptable to wear a hockey jersey while driving a Zamboni. It is not acceptable to wear a hockey jersey while ice skating at the local skating rink while holding hands with your girlfriend. It is acceptable to wear a hockey jersey if you are Canadien. It is not acceptable to wear a hockey jersey just because you've been to Canada. It is acceptable to wear a hockey jersey if you are a big burly man with a beard. It is not acceptable to wear a hockey jersey if you're a little sissy and have never even shaven. It is acceptable to wear a hockey jersey if you are missing several teeth. It is not acceptable to wear a hockey jersey if you have a sparkling set of pearly whites. It is acceptable to wear a hockey jersey to your local dive bar. It is not acceptable to wear a hockey jersey to the nearest rave. It is acceptable to wear a hockey jersey if you have a black eye. It is not acceptable to wear a hockey jersey if you have pink eye. It is acceptable to wear a hockey jersey if you are actually a fan of the sport and follow it regularly. It is not acceptable to wear a hockey jersey because you think you look cute in it. And finally, it is acceptable to wear a hockey jersey if you are playing a pick up game of ice hockey or roller hockey. It is not acceptable to wear a hockey jersey if you are playing knock hockey or tonsil hockey.

I hope this helps. If you have any more questions don't ever be afraid to ask. I am here for you, like I'm here for all my fans and friends.

Answer for anonymous

Here is the question I received from anonymous(it's a person who's dad is a big fan of moose):

"Pitch: Attack of the killer tomatoes meets california raisins. Who would you pick to act as the raisins and killer tomatoes(real people in california raisin outfits and in killer tomatoes outfits). what instrument/weapon would they use, and what would the outcome be."

As you may or may not know, I am a huge California Raisins fan and so am very capable of answering this question(Mini-Todd's Stories: I used to make my mom rent me a vhs tape of the raisins in claymation dancing through trees singing "I heard it through the grapevine" nearly everyday. Why we didn't just buy it a I don't know, however two years ago I purchased it via ebay.)

First off, this is a great movie idea. It's got all the makings of the next freddy v. jason except a little more kid friendly. My picks for the raisin wearing actors are as follows: Danny Devito plays the humorous but grouchy raisin. The guy who does all the sound effects from Police Academy plays the black raisin. John Grimes Jr. plays the lanky raisin who has no regard for his body. Jackie Chan plays the karate-chopping raisin who does all of his own stunts. There weapons would be their adaptability to any situation. Also, such a quirky group doesn't really need a weapon because they work so well together and know how to fight. However, they will always have grapevines with them which they can use to choke their enemies, as well as the ability to spit some sort of acidic grape juice which if it gets in your eye stings like hell and if it gets on your clothes will leave a stain forever.

I'll admit that I don't know as much about the Killer Tomatoes as the Raisins, but I can still form a killer cast. Vin Diesel plays the tomato with an attitude who takes no prisoners. Danny Devito doubles as a tomato as well as a raisin playing extremely similar characters. Alex Deutsch plays the slow moving tomato who packs a powerful punch. And finally, the fat black kid from Hook plays the tomato who rolls down the streets bowling over people. The tomatoes weapons include tiny seeds they can spit out of their mouth which bug the hell out of you. They also have a defense mechanism where if you break through the surface of the tomato a highly acidic ooze juices out and burns like crazy if you touch it. They can also roll at extremely high speeds.

The outcome would obviously be a victory for the California Raisins. With John Grime's Jr ability to flop around and remain unhurt and the teams ability to work together is a combination that no tomato can beat. However, many innocent human bystanders are hurt and the battle leaves one heck of a mess which someone will have to clean up (probably Ian Donlon). The End

And Then There Was X

All of you out there that know me know that I am an avid supporter of all things DMX. Whether it be X's eating of pizza he dropped on the street, or his drinking of moonshine on his reality television series, DMX is a non-stop form of entertainment for me. Today I found an interview with DMX which added another chapter in the book that is the unrealness of DMX. The entire interview is comical, but when you get to the part about Barack Obama if you don't laugh something is wrong with you. DMX is a clown and this is yet another example of it. Also, notice how he feels the need to repeat everything he says twice, everything he says twice. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the always eloquent, DMX:

http://www.xxlmag.com/online/?p=20332

Seeing as how the funniest part of the interview is about Barack Obama, I can't pass on the opportunity to present to you all the truth about Obama: He is a long legged mack daddy.

Ask Todd

After a recent suggestions from a fan (rhymes with weave) of Todder's Playhouse I decided to make this a questions post. This post is open to any and all questions you would like answered by Todd. If I deem the questions important enough to answer I will then write a response post to your question.

I lack a little confidence in the Ask Todd section because my other posts where I've asked for responses from viewers are rarely answered (which I stay awake at night and cry because of). But I can't resist a chance to help my fans and so I feel it my duty to respond to your needs. So please, if you have any questions on life, the way things work, the birds and the bees, anything, leave a comment on this post and your question shall be answered.

Attack of the Ligers

We all thought it was funny when Napoleon Dynamite said his favorite animals was the Liger. Little did we know that the animal actually existed and is no mythical beast. A liger is a mix between a male lion and a female tiger.




(That's a big fucking cat.)














Now my question to you is why the fuck would we make such a gigantic fucking cat? This thing weighs in at a half ton, and it's only 3 years old. I wouldn't want to be alone with a tiger or a lion, never mind a mix that dwarfs both of them. It may look friendly here, but god damn I would not want to have a close encounter with that thing.

The worst part is, it's size is not the only impressive aspect of the liger. It eats like 200 lbs of meat a day. It can run 50 mph. And, unlike other big cats, it enjoys swimming and is not afraid of the water.

This is greatly reminiscent of the movie Deep Blue Sea, except only with ferocious land animals. We just had to see what would happen when we cross bread lions and tigers didn't we. It's only a matter of time before the liger's brain size grows and it realizes how bad ass it is and decides to eat every person it sees. This time though we won't have LL Cool J to save us(If a movie is made with the same premise of Deep Blue Sea except with the liger, the theme song will be sung by LL Cool J with the chorus going, "My head is like a liger's paw").

Add the likelihood of ligers taking over the land to the already occurring take over of the seas by giant stingrays and starfishes and you got one hell of a problem on your hands. All we'll have left is the sky, and it's only a matter of time before eagles and ostriches are mixed to create some giant bird of prey. When that happens we'll have nothing left. I pray that day does not come soon.

Guest Spots

Seeing as how Villanova just made it to the sweet 16 some of you may be thinking that I am going to write a post rubbing the victory in the noses of those who haven't made it this far. However, I will not being that mostly because it would be an extremely short post and I'd rather not bring down my blog with such childish ways. Instead, I am going to discuss a much more pertanent issue.

It seems as though no one has taken my "first" post very seriously (besides "Ezrah"(she goes by many names) who I had to tell to cool it so I can test everyone elses loyalty). I know there are people out there reading these posts and just ignoring my wishes and not commenting. This greatly disheartens me. It seems all of you want to reap the benefits of my blog without any of the work. Well, shame on you.

Now that I have gotten that off my chest I have a new idea. For those that prove their loyalty to me and my blog through comments, spreading the word of Todder's Playhouse, and being the first one to read the post I will give guest spots on the blog. Once I have deemed you worthy of writing a post, I will personally tell you and you will have a short period of time to write something. You must send it to me, and if I believe it is lives up to the standards I have set here on Todder's Playhouse (which are very high and your writings will go through a gruesome process of judgement) I will then post it on my blog giving you full credit. If this isn't incentive enough to comment and tell others about the Playhouse, I don't know what is.

P.S. Happy Easter

Giant Sea Creatures

The most extensive survey of data of New Zealand's Antartic waters completed to date was recently finished with startling conclusions. It turns out that there are sea creatures in these waters that are growing to astonishing sizes. The lack of predators and high quantity of oxygen has led to a "race" of super sea creatures. These include large sea spiders (I don't know what a normal size is for a sea spider but still, large sea spiders must be scarey), jellyfish with 12 ft tentacles, huge sea snails (lookout, they move faster than normal snails), and starfish "the size of big food platters." Why a starfish's size is compared to a food platter I am not quite sure, but that sounds pretty big.

Although these creatures are not yet carnivores, imagine the repurcussions when they eventually become meat eaters. Antartic sea creatures with bad attitudes that are the size of big food platters sounds pretty scarey to me.

(Look at how smug that stingray is wearing that dead woman's hat and all. No shame. Unbelievable.)

This coupled with the fact that stingrays are jumping out of the water and into boats to kill people sounds like we may have a sea creature revolt on our hand. Sea creatures we once thought to be harmless are on murderous rampages, and others which we thought to be slow and locked up in frigid cold temperatures are strengthening and increasing in size in order to attack. If we don't do something about this quick, me thinks we're going to have a war on our hands. A war with giant sea creatures, but this time Kevin Costner won't be there to save us.

Who's First?

I don't really fancy myself a "web surfer," but I have noticed on a few of my trips around the world wide web that the first readers of various blogs like to write the word, "first." This first is denoting the fact that this nerd was the first to read the post and wanted everyone to know it. That's the kind of enthusiasm I am looking for at Todder's Playhouse. I want my blog to be like these other, slightly more popular but significantly less important blogs. I want you guys to think of it as a competition to see who can read my posts firsts. I can't honestly call you a fan unless I know your putting forth your greatest effort to read my blog. You should constantly be checking the blog for new posts so that you can be the first to read it and let me know. Otherwise, I am just going to think your an average fan and wont really have much faith in you. You must prove your love to me by being the first to comment on my posts. Your devotion will be much appreciated and rewards may be given to the first people to comment.

Enough Sequels

Due to the ever increasing amount of sequels due to be released I find myself all to often discussing them. And you know what, I'm sick of it. From now on I will only write about sequels if it is truly worth while. Half my blog thus far has been dedicated to sequels, and that is all too much.

Honorable Mention: A Robocop sequel is in discussion.

Can they still be lost?

For those of you out there who are unaware, it turns out that the Lost Boys is becoming a sequel called Lost Boys 2: The Tribe. Why wouldn't you make a sequel of a classic movie with an extremely high chance of making a horrendous movie?  I guess Warner is just banking on the fact that die hard fans of the original film and of the Coreys will go see it, but I don't think those are two things that they should be banking on.

The sequel is set to be pretty much the same exact movie as the original, except everyone is older. Corey Feldman is reprising his role of the vampire hunting Edgar Frog.  Corey Hain will be returning as well, although tragically that almost didn't happen because a dispute on ever popular television show, The Two Coreys.  Apparently, Feldman mentioned something about turning down the role and Hain got upset because he wasn't even offered a role. This led to a bit of a fallout, but thankfully the two patched things up and are back up to their typical tricks.

I was just recently thinking to myself I should shout out the Coreys and this has given me the perfect chance.  I love the Coreys, along with most child stars gone wrong, and always wished I watched more of the The Two Coreys.  Feldman and Hain are a dynamic duo, and although I am against a sequel of Lost Boys, I will never be against anything that involves the Coreys. They bring a passion to the screen rarely seen in todays films, and to see them on the big screen will be a breath of fresh air (unless this goes direct to dvd).  It takes a lot of heart to overcome going from such stardom to nothingness, and the Coreys did it gracefully, only very frequently dabbling in narcotics.  I would also like to see them on VH1s Surreal Life, but that's just me.

(Teen Heartthrobs)

Speaking of the Coreys, I think a great idea for a movie with be a Lord of the Fliesesque movie starring all child stars.  It would be like a battle royal between the Coreys, Doogie Houser, most of the Saved by the Bell cast, Joey Lawrence, Steve Erkel, and other such stars.  Whoever came out on top would be the king of the child stars.  Warner, if you like the idea you can sign me on to direct.  

Todd's Stories #1

For this post, I am starting a new series of posts called Todd's Stories. They will be comprised mostly of stories of my youth, but if something happens that is humorous in the present it is fair game as well. I will try to conclude with a moral of the story each time. Some of you may know the stories, but I am sure you will still get a laugh out of reading them again. I will usually be writing these stories when I can't think of anything else to write about. This is the case for this post.

Todd's Stories #1 brings us back in the day when I had braces, and more importantly headgear.



(This is what I looked like except I was significantly fatter and had huge cheeks.)







The headgear was to be worn at night every night. For those of you who don't know, I am schedule oriented and so hate to not do things or miss things. One night, I forgot to wear my headgear and it caused me great distress the next day. Rather than wait it out to the night I thought I could make up for the lost time by wearing the headgear during the day. Good idea, right?

Well, it turned out that my sister's friends were coming over that day and they wanted to go for a swim. A normal and rational human being would have, at this point, taken off the headgear in order to go into the pool. Did I do that? Of course not. I proceeded to take a dip with my sister's older, and significantly larger, friends while still wearing my headgear.

At first, things went fine. It was a little awkward and I was even less water-dynamic than usual, but no harm was done. Then, my sister's friend decided to challenge me to a game of one-on-one pool basketball. You're probably thinking, "He had to have taken the headgear off now. Only an idiot would keep it on." Well, I am an idiot and continued to play basketball with the headgear on.

After playing for a couple of minutes with no consequences, I decided to go for an outside shot, at which point my sister's friend decided to block the shit out of me. Well, he succeeded, not only at blocking the shot but at smacking my headgear and ripping the metal things on my back teeth out.

To make a long story short, this incident led to a lot of pain and a trip to the emergency room to have the wires clipped. It was not fun and not worth making up for lost time of not wearing the headgear.

The moral of the story is don't try to make up for a night you missed of wearing your headgear by wearing it in the pool. And if you do wear it in the pool, don't play pool basketball with it on.

Todd: The Video Game

I have great news for ego-maniacs such as myself. There is a new Rainbow Six video game coming out called Rainbow Six Vegas 2 where you can actually upload pictures of yourself so that your character looks like you. I have long awaited the day where I can play as myself in a video game. Although this is only a small step towards a video game about me and starring me, it is a step in the right direction. What video gamer doesn't want to see a little digital version of themself on the televesion? There is none, and that is why this is such a great idea. Now all of us nerds get to feel like badasses by beating the crap out of people in a video game without ever having to leave the safety of our gaming chair.

The next step is a video game where you can replay your entire life, hopefully making decisions you have long regretted not making (I always wished I had gone after my lifelong dream of becoming a professional ping pong player. Now I can.) It would be like having a child and living vicariously through them without actually having to ruin their life. Or, if you want to see what it was like to be popular you can play as one of the cool kids. It's perfect. So get on that Ubisoft and other such game makers. The days of playing as Todd are not far off.

You Broke My Heart Jean Claude

Remember a few posts ago when I said that I was excited that they were making a Street Fighter sequel and that if they were smart they would get Jean-Claude to reprise his role as Guile. Well, apparently they were, and Jean-Claude decided to rip out my heart and step on it by declining the role:

"In fact they called me for that movie, to do the sequel. Again, I would have been well paid but I didn't want to do it. I've made enough money. I don't want to make a movie and then come home and be unhappy about it. Life is short. I'm 47 years old. I've got 10 years to go where I can be the best I can be. I want those 10 years to be precious, not like before, cranking two or three movies a year. I've made a ton of movies in my life, but so what? It's time for me to do things I like so I will be happy, my wife will be happy, my friends will be happy. I just want to do something I'm proud of. It's time for me to change. I could sign with a company for 10 movies and I'm the king of video and so what?"

Well good for you Jean-Claude, you're so happy about your new career and the direction your life is going. But you know what, you might've been unhappy about the sequel, but your loyal fans would've been extatic. So screw you Jean-Claude. You had the oppurtunity of a life time, to make me happy, and you turned it down. Congratulations on being the worlds biggest ass.

What's worse, although I have not seen it, Jean-Claude could have been in Rush Hour 3 as well. Imagine that team. Chris Tucker, Jackie Chan, and Jean-Claude. That would have been one hell of a movie. But nooooo. Jean Claude is better than that now. Well you know what Jean-Claude, I'll never watch any of your movies again because of how you've broken my heart (excluding Blood Sport, Street Figther, Timecop, Universal Soldier, and Kickboxer).

And get this, Jean-Claude seems to think he is a real actor now. He said this about his newest movie J.V.C.D:

"After 37 movies, I said, "I will never do another movie I would not like." What Mabrouk did to me, it's like Scorsese did to De Niro years ago. It's a very different picture for Jean-Claude Van Damme."

It's a very different picture for Jean-Claude Van Damme? First of all Jean-Claude, don't talk in the third person, that's only for Todd to do. And second Jean-Claude, don't ever compareyourself to Robert De Niro. You're the "Muscles from Brussels" and that's all you'll ever be.

P.S.
Jean-Claude if you read this I'm a really big fan. I'm just a little upset that you would deny a role that you were born to play and that you forgot about your fans. I don't mean to be so harsh, but you should understand why I am so upset. I grew up on your class-A action films, and I just want to see a little of that old Jean-Claude that I know and love.
Yours Truly,
Todd Easton

Canine Park

Have you ever looked at your dog, if you have a dog, and wondered what it would be like to see them in the wild. Well, I have to. I have a Pug and a Labrador Retriever and have often wondered what life would be like if these were not domestic animals, but rather, wild, ravenous beasts. That's why one of my goals in life is to bring this vision into life in the form of movie. Forget Jurassic Park, this is Canine Park, where one false move could lead to a Chow-chow gnawing at your ankles.

Imagine this. You are walking through the forest and it suddenly breaks into an open, hilly, grassy field. You think to yourself, "wow, this is nice." Then you look to your right and you see a pack of 20 or 30 wild pugs sprinting across the field. You think to yourself, "Strange." Then you see a Mastif breaking through the woods on the other side of the field chasing after the Pugs. Then you think, "that makes more sense. The pugs are beings chased by the Mastif. I'm definitely in Canine Park." That is my vision. An island full of wild canines chasing each other. Since I am not a fan of violence, these are only friendly chases which end in frolicking.

Any high rollers out there I would like to make this dream come to forission, so if you want to pay for my movie that would be great. I'll direct and star (along side the dogs) in it. It will be a glorious movie of fun and excitement where no man is left un-slobbered on and no butt is left un-sniffed(possible tagline).

TRON- 3D and Beyond

So, I've just been informed by my good friend over at The Corner that the classical masterpiece Tron is going to made into a 3D movie. I could not possibly be more excited. Tron is arguably the greatest movie of all time.










Jeff Bridges acts the shit out of his role as Kevin Flynn. I have never seen a movie that captures the essence of the future so well. And Tron was the leader of the special effects revolution. Tron was before it's time, and if you haven't seen it, you better go rent a laser disc of it and watch it as soon as possible. It's well worth your time. One of the greatest scenes of the movie can be seen here with the light bikes: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-3ODe9mqoDE

Imagine seeing that in 3D. Neither can I, and that's why I can't wait for this glorious film to make it back to the big screen . It's only fair that a movie so futuristic and so influential be made into 3D. Tron has been referenced in the Simpsons ("Has anybody ever seen the movie Tron"(everyone responds no)) and has been acted out in charades by my 11th grade English teacher, Mr. Horn (a great performance I may add).

Tron warned people of the pitfalls the future could bring and made everyone aware that we could be sucked into the computer. Tron helped save Y2K and single-handedly brought about the digital age, and if you don't go out and rent it right now, you will never know what the future holds. The big screen hasn't seen such an influential movie since Tron, and the 3D screen is about to get the attention it deserve when Tron hits it.