What Happened to You Halloween?

I just wanted to take this time, a mere two days prior to Halloween, to discuss my current disgust with the once glorious holiday. We all know that in the past I have been one of the most creative and glorious costume wearers in the history of the holiday. Not only were all of my costumes ground breaking and above the curve that is other costume wearers, but they also required a lot of guts and bravery to be pulled off (i.e. the butt mommy in eight grade). I have always believed greatly in the spirit of Halloween, that is why I dared to wear such outrageous costumes. They didn't all turn out as well as I had hoped (i.e. the priest and the holy shit) but they were all worn with the Halloween spirit in mind. A spirit which I have seen betrayed and stepped on in past years and a spirit which I myself am losing.

Halloween for me has always been about being creative and having fun. I've always looked forward to the October 31st as a day I can shine and watch others shine as well. But that is no longer the case. I have seen Halloween become a day of whoredome and tastelessness, a day of zero fun and zero humor. Maybe it's just because I've grown older. Maybe it's because when I was younger I didn't notice the older women dressing up as whatever requires the least amount of clothing to be worn, but it disgusts me. Where has the love gone? Where has the creativity gone? Where are the costumes that make others laugh and smile rather than making them think of many unholy things. And don't get the wrong idea, this isn't just for women. There are also the men who dress up as cavemen and other sleeveless wonders to show off their finely tuned muscles. Or the men who still wear the pimp costume and somehow still think it's funny. Well, it's not funny so get a new costume.

I'll be the first to admit that I am an elitist when it comes to Halloween. I hold very high standards for costumes and rarely can others live up to that standard. However, that shouldn't stop them from trying. Try something new. Go out on a limb. Wear something that makes you look like an idiot, that's what this holiday is all about. It's not about showing off your cleavage or your man bulge, it's about having fun and being creative, and each year I see that betrayed my soul is crushed just a little bit more.

Answer for always wanted to know

Always wanted to know writes:

If you poop with a thong on do you think that the poop would split into half? Or would it simply be forced to one side of the thong?

First off, this is a very gross question and not a subject I would typically touch upon here at Todder's Playhouse. However, since you asked, I am obliged to answer, and answer to the best of my ability. Secondly, assuming you are a guy, why have you always wanted to know this? When I see a girl in a thong, or a thong at any period in time for that matter, the last thing I'd ever want to be thinking about is whether or not it could split her turd in two. But I guess whatever floats your boat, or whatever floats your poop for that matter. (If my assumption is wrong and this is a girl, I apologize. Why don't you just go and try for yourself? That way you'll know for sure.)

Ok, now that all that is behind us, I can get to my answer. My hypothesis for this question is that if a girl has a bigger than average butt the poop may indeed split in half. To test this theory I would need two groups of girls, one with small butts and one with bigger butts. I would then proceed to ask them to poop while wearing a thong. To make sure that there is only one variable, the butt size, I would have every girl wear the same thong. And it would not be one of those mesh like thongs because I don't want any sort of poop grating going on or anything like that.

The reason I think girls with bigger butts are more likely to split their poo in two while wearing a thong is because I would think that they are more likely to get a wedgie than girls with smaller butts. The further that thong is up there the and the tigther it is the more likely it is to split the poop right down the middle. It's definitely a long shot, but I think if the poop were soft enough and the thong were tight enough and wedged up there enough, a splitting may in fact take place.

Thanks for the really gross question and thus really gross answer I had to give for it always wanted to know. I hope I gave a good enough answer for you, but there's only one way for you to really find out. You just have to put that thong on and try it out!

Todd's Dreams #1

No this isn't a post about my undying dream to swim in a pool of jello.  This is a post about my nighttime dreams.  It will be the first in hopefully many posts to come where I share with you what went through my mind the previous night.  I rarely remember my dreams fully and I rarely remember many details so it will get sketchy, but try to enjoy it nonetheless.  Ok, here we go.

Last night I had a dream that me and several of my friends were being chased by a wolf, but it was a wolf with superpowers of some sort.  Unfortunately, I don't remember what friends were with me and that would probably have been interesting.  At any rate, after running around for a while we got to my old house.  We buried two of my friends under ground in these wooden cages with the hope that the wolf wouldn't smell them under the dirt.  How they were going to breath down there, I'm not quite sure.  That's probably why I didn't choose to get buried.  I'm smart like that.  Me and my other friend went into my house.  Along with us was my dog Kobe and some other dog that I didn't know.  I decided we should hide in the attic, so that's where we went.  The attic steps are located in my parents closet, and when we went to go up into the attic Kobe and the other dog were no where to be found.  Since I'm not one to leave an innocent dog behind to be devoured by a wolf, I called for those two lonely dogs.  Kobe came immediately since I knew his name and called for him.  I did not know the other dogs name and so could not call for him, and so I had to chase him down.  I could sense that the wolf was closing in and that our time to hide was running out.  I frantically searched for the dog only to be awaken by my alarm.  

That's Todd's Dreams #1.  Feel free to search for deeper meaning in my dream and inform me of any incite you may have made into the psyche that is Todd Easton.  Thanks.

Funny Todd Quotes

Here are is a list of some of my finest quotes over the years, followed by a little background of the situation:

(While crying) "I can't take Russell to swim practice, I don't know how to drive."
-This is after my mom told me I had to go to bed early because I had to take Russell (my brother) to swim practice in the morning. I was around 5.

(While crying) "But what if you forget me?"
-This is when I was moving houses and my mom told me not to let her forget anything. I was about 5.

"Russell, the egg's in here."
-This is after I had found my brothers Easter egg and my mom told me not to tell him where it was. I was about 6. This situation is caught on video camera.

"Ha ha, I can do it!"
-This was said in a friends dream (Kenny) when I was about to jump off of a boulder which had already caused the demise of another one of our friends. I landed safely on the ground.

"Let's do it brothers."
-This was said while playing a game with friends that involved keeping a ball in the air for as long as possible. I was about 18.

"Yeah, that's that T9 word shit."
-This was said in response to being asked if I was sending a text message. I was, and am, 22.

These are just a few of my more famous quotes. Feel free to add more of my quotes in the comments section. If I think of more good ones I'll make another post of Funny Todd Quotes.

Under Siege 3: Extra Terrestrials

In a move that is bound to go nowhere, Steven Seagal has stepped up and said that he wants to make another Under Siege movie.  This time he doesn't want to be stuck on a boat or a train, and he doesn't want to be fighting mere humans.  Steven wants to take it up a notch.  Although Steven may not get his wish, ideally Steven, “Wouldn’t mind if it was about something more mystical or…maybe extraterrestrial in nature. Some real government top secrets instead of just the typical.”  Amen Steven.  And although this can't miss idea of Steven Seagal fighting aliens may not make it to the big screen, at least Steven wants to take his kung-fu action to places it hasn't been before.  He's tired of kicking human ass.  It's time to kick alien ass.

For anyone out there interested, this is how I see the plot of Under Siege 3: Extra Terrestrials unfolding.  Casey Ryback (played by Steven Seagal) is hired to be the chef on board a NASA flight to Mars.  He's hired because his culinary skills are intergalacticly known and the astronauts on board this flight are really picky about what they eat.  While flying to Mars the ship has some malfunctions due to being grazed by a small asteroid.  It turns out that it is no mere asteroid, but rather a alien spacecraft.  The aliens board the ship and take control of it.  They threaten to bomb Washington from space and ask for one billion US dollars to be wired to their space account.  The aliens, not recognizing that Casey Ryback is an ex-Navy Seal and full time ass kicker, forget about the chef in the back of the ship.  Ryback makes his way through the ship taking out one alien at a time.  Eventually Ryback takes out all of the aliens, turns the ship around, and lands it safely back at earth.  The End.

Stevie G's Top 5 #1

This is the first of hopefully many of Stevie G's Top 5. It is written by the well qualified Steven Glauber, a long time Todder's Playhouse reader and a glorious writer to boot. Tonight he perouses the essentials of cool. Listen to his advice and you too can be cool.

“Cool” is a badge not easily worn. For many, it’s elusive, always-changing and usually takes time to develop. Unfortunately, time is not always at your disposal. When you’re strolling down Broadway, looking to impress future friends or future friends with benefits (colloquially, fuck-friends), there’s no time to name-drop the Coen Brothers or show off your swiftness in Sudoku. You have but five seconds (at standard strolling pace) to display your cool to those around you. Here are 5 tips to being cool, fast:

Bandanas – Drape a bandana over your head. Originally used by cowboys to protect the mouth and nose from loose dirt and horse farts, bandanas now have become standard procedure in obtaining cool. They are particularly handy for aging rockstars or otherwise highly-visible public figures with receding hairlines.

Electronics – Make visible any and all electronics on your person. Cell phones, iPods, palm pilots, beepers, Kindles, pedometers—these all need to be on display. Clip your cell phone to your waste. Strap your iPod to your bicep. Electronics signify money. Girls love money. If it’s clear that you can afford an iPod and an iPhone, then it’s clear you can afford her movie ticket and her burrito from Chipotle.

Sunglasses – Summer, winter, night, day—wear ‘em. Go for the Terminator Ray-Bans for the rough-around-the-edges look. Or some sleek Oakley’s for the SoCal, sun-soaked beach-bod look.

Aviators for the douche bag look. Any shades, really—as long as they mask the crippling
insecurities that are so evident in your eyes!
Bonus Tip: Head down to China Town for some cheap knock-off shades. Haggle, haggle, haggle!

Dance – Dance along to the music coming from your headphones. Do some light hand claps. Get a little head-nod going. Approach a pretty lady and do a quick Cha-Cha to her. Women rarely find this off-putting.

Avoid freckles – Try to avoid freckles. They are very unsightly. Unfortunately, freckle-removal procedures can run you up about $20,000—not cool!

Answer for oneofthebens

Oneofthebens writes:

As a long time reader and by all standards a darn good contributor to the site, I was taken back by your Bod Says segment on All That. Am I the only one that didn't hate Lori Beth Denberg, Pierre Escargot, Kenan/Kel, and one of the Pete's? I agree Amanda Bynes sucked, you got me there. But an SNL for children with hiphop shows at the end? What's not to like Bod? Dare I say, the Ben says the Bod is mistaken? Is this one instance where the integrity of the advice has been shaved?

First off, no this is not one instance, "where the integrity of the advice has been shaved," as you so bluntly put it. Second off, you better not dare to say that the Bod is mistaken for he is not. Although I am quite aware of your great contributions to Todder's Playhouse, and I must admit that it would not be as a wonderful place without your thought provoking questions, the Bod should not be questioned. A little playful banter is alright, but an outright calling the Bod out is just not nice.

You are entitled to your opinions, but All That was, and always will be, awful. Although there are some dec (that's short for decent, it's hard to spell it out) skits, and having an intro by TLC is pretty sweet (although it's no Coolio) I personally just could never stomach watching All That. There is a good probability that you are the only person that doesn't hate Lori Beth Denberg, because she was incredibly annoying Although she eventually graduated to The Steve Harvey Show, she'll never escape her shameful past where she never once gave out a single piece of vital information for my everyday life. Pierre Escargot was ok but only because he's a black man pretending to be French. I love Danny Tamberelli, but his role on All That could never touch his days on Pete and Pete. Kenan and Kel was probably the best part of the show but that duo can only take you so far. And after the golden years (more like bronze, ha ha ha (get it, cause it was never that good)) when all the best cast members left, the show was truly a shit hole.

In conclusion, I'm sorry oneofthebens that you actually enjoyed this show. It simply was not funny. Maybe I was just a little mature for my age, but I never succumbed to watching All That, and I feel that I am stronger for it. But who knows, maybe you're the better person for being able to sit throught that drivel, but I know I never could, and I never will.