Stevie G's Top 5 #1

This is the first of hopefully many of Stevie G's Top 5. It is written by the well qualified Steven Glauber, a long time Todder's Playhouse reader and a glorious writer to boot. Tonight he perouses the essentials of cool. Listen to his advice and you too can be cool.

“Cool” is a badge not easily worn. For many, it’s elusive, always-changing and usually takes time to develop. Unfortunately, time is not always at your disposal. When you’re strolling down Broadway, looking to impress future friends or future friends with benefits (colloquially, fuck-friends), there’s no time to name-drop the Coen Brothers or show off your swiftness in Sudoku. You have but five seconds (at standard strolling pace) to display your cool to those around you. Here are 5 tips to being cool, fast:

Bandanas – Drape a bandana over your head. Originally used by cowboys to protect the mouth and nose from loose dirt and horse farts, bandanas now have become standard procedure in obtaining cool. They are particularly handy for aging rockstars or otherwise highly-visible public figures with receding hairlines.

Electronics – Make visible any and all electronics on your person. Cell phones, iPods, palm pilots, beepers, Kindles, pedometers—these all need to be on display. Clip your cell phone to your waste. Strap your iPod to your bicep. Electronics signify money. Girls love money. If it’s clear that you can afford an iPod and an iPhone, then it’s clear you can afford her movie ticket and her burrito from Chipotle.

Sunglasses – Summer, winter, night, day—wear ‘em. Go for the Terminator Ray-Bans for the rough-around-the-edges look. Or some sleek Oakley’s for the SoCal, sun-soaked beach-bod look.

Aviators for the douche bag look. Any shades, really—as long as they mask the crippling
insecurities that are so evident in your eyes!
Bonus Tip: Head down to China Town for some cheap knock-off shades. Haggle, haggle, haggle!

Dance – Dance along to the music coming from your headphones. Do some light hand claps. Get a little head-nod going. Approach a pretty lady and do a quick Cha-Cha to her. Women rarely find this off-putting.

Avoid freckles – Try to avoid freckles. They are very unsightly. Unfortunately, freckle-removal procedures can run you up about $20,000—not cool!