Answer for Rob

Rob asks:

Todd, It's the time of year where women arrive places with hard nips. What are some techniques to avoid letting these hotties see me looking at their nips.

Thanks Bro.

Rob, this is a question that man has pondered since the dawn of tight t-shirts. To date, there have been no reliable breakthroughs in the field of staring at women's nipples without getting caught, but I can give you a few tips that will hopefully prevent you from being caught staring.

The most obvious technique is the glance. Only make short eye contact with said region of the female body. The longer you stare the more likely you are to get caught. For this technique to truly work you'll have to learn some patience and restraint, and you may want to practice a little before using this technique out in the field. Perhaps put up some poster of attractive females on your walls and pretend they are the real deal.

The next technique is wearing sunglasses. Although this technique is not appropriate for all situations, it is extremely reliable and easy to pull off. You just have to make sure you wear a pair of sunglasses where the woman cannot see your eyes, otherwise it is all for naught. I personally suggest those sunglasses that look like mirrors. Not only will you yourself look cool, but if the woman you are trying to stare at is really superficial she'll see herself in your glasses and will not be able to resist checking herself out. She may even take a few steps closer to you to get a closer look, in which case you'll have an even better vantage point on "the goods".

Another technique you may want to think about using is the non-direct glance. If in wherever you are there are mirrors or reflective surfaces, try looking at the women via these surfaces. You may not get as good or as clean of a look as a direct glance can offer, but you are also much less likely to get caught. The reward isn't quite as big, but it is a fairly safe method.

If things are really bad, there is a final technique you may want to try, a technique that I myself do not recommend. This technique is called abstinence. Just don't look. I know it's easier said than done, but if you pull it off well the woman you wouldv'e been looking at may think you are a sweet and sincere guy and not just trying to fulfill any carnal cravings you may have. Since abstinence is a difficult technique you may need to take some extreme steps. WARNING: THE FOLLOWING IDEA IS NOT RECOMMENDED BY ANYONE AT TODDER"S PLAYHOUSE AND SHOULD BE USED ONLY IN EXTREME CIRCUMSTANCES WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS. A step you can take to make abstinence a more easily accoplished feat is to picture the women's breasts that you would be staring at as your mothers or sisters. This should immediately curb any and all desires you have of looking at said woman's nipples.

I wish you luck on your journeys Rob. You are traveling down a difficult road, but with these techniques now at your disposal, I know you will succeed.

The Poor Man's Actors #2

It took me a while to think of a new list of poor man's actors, for which I apologize. However, I think the list is very solid, and although none of the actors are really as glamorous as the first set, they are still equally as amusing. So enjoy this set of poor man's actors and let me know if you have any other entries for the list.

Rufus Sewell: The Poor Man's Clive Owen

The both have dark, curly hair. They both have chiseled jaws and masculant bone structures. So what seperates Rufus Sewell from Clive Owen? You actually know who Clive Owen is. Rufus Sewell is probably best known for playing the dick knight in A Knights Tale, and more recently the televesion show The Eleventh Hour, a show doomed to last only one season. While they may look similar in many ways, Clive Owen simply has a charisma and machismo that Sewell frankly can't keep up with.

(Two tall, dark, and handsome men.)

Albert Finney: The Poor Man's Brian Cox

Sure he hit it big with Erin Brokovich, but Albert Finney sure hasn't been doing much since then. He has had a couple of smaller roles, including Dr. Albert Hirsch (What's the matter? Need to play a person with your own name?) in the Bourne Ultimatum (I actually did think that it was Brian Cox in the movie.) However, he sure is no Brian Cox. Playing characters ranging from Striker in X-Men 2 to winning an Emmy for his role in the min-series Nuremberg, Cox is a grade A actor.. They both may be old men, but Albert Finney is a little to cuddily of an old man to keep up with Brian Cox.

(These pictures don't do their resemplance much justice. Sorry.)

Jon Gries: The Poor Man's Gary Cole

Everyone loves the lovable Uncle Rico from Napoleon Dynamite. But where has Jon Gries been since then? No where good, that's where (accept if you have seen The Sasquatch Gang. Quite amusing). Gary Cole on the other hand has been hitting it big. From Entourage to Talladega Nights to Pineapple Express, Cole's star has been nothing but rising. They may look a like, but believe you me, they sure as heck don't act a like (I'm not entirely sure what that is supposed to mean).

(I bet you can't even tell which is which.)

Answer for Who's on the Microphone?

Who's on the Microphone? writes

Dear Lon's Son, aka God's Son,

I'm a white kid from the suburbs and I love rap music. I have a habit of spitting along with my favorite lyricists while their tunes are filling up my eardrums. Every once in a while these rappers use a word that is unacceptable for someone like me to repeat outloud so I tend to substitute that word with a synonym, but I really feel, and as a hip-hop head I think you'll agree, that it detracts from the authenticity of the music.

My question for you is whether or not it is ok to say the N word while singing along to rap music?

Well Who's on the Microphone?, I'm pretty sure you already know my answer to this one but I shall answer your question nonetheless. First off, I too have many of your same issues. I am a "white boy." I am from "the burbs." And I love to "spit rhymes" over "dumb beats" and rap a long with my favorite "gangstas." However, where I differ from you is that rather than subsituting synonyms for the more foul words said, I simply sensor myself. I clean it up as if it were coming straight from the radio. I sometimes even lip the word rather than speaking it out loud. God forbid anyone should hear me speak such horrid words it may just be the end of my days as a gentleman. I don't think it detracts from the authenticity of the music because I'm not changing the actual music, but rather I'm making it more ear friendly, and thus making it more me.

As far as the N word goes, I personally feel that coming from a neighborhood as white as white it is never ok to use the N word. But hey, if you feel the need to do it, go right ahead. Just watch out for who's around, you don't want the wrong ears to hear whitey speaking black. That's just no good.

Smart Beagle

I just wanted to share this video with all of my loyal fans because this is literally the best thing I've ever seen. While watching this video the range of emotions I went through included happiness, excitement, fear, shock, and love. If you do not enjoy this video you don't have a heart and you don't have a soul, so I hope you enjoy it.

Move Over Ralph

First Daniel Craig said that the next 007 should be black, and now the next Karate Kid actually will be black. Jaden Smith, the son of the former Fresh Prince of Bel-Air Will Smith, has signed on to star as the next Karate Kid (not to be confused with The Next Karate Kid. That movie sucked). Will's Overbrook Entertainment is producing (I smell a little bit of nepotism in the air (good word right)). There is no word yet of the return of Mr. Miyagi or the master of the crane himself, Ralph Macchio.

According to my various and extremely reliable sources (the internet), the new plot will be quite similar to that of the original Karate Kid, with a loser kid (Smith) getting beat up and turning to martial arts as a way to defend himself. Unlike the original however, this film will be shooting in Beijing and other foreign countries.

Will the Cobra Kai return as a group of douche-bag ninjas who feel the need to beat up on weaklings? Will Ralph Macchio become the teacher rather than the student? Will Macchio and Elisabeth Shue be the happy couple they were destined to be in the original? Will Jaden be able to wax floors and catch a fly with chopsticks? Will William Zabka be the father of the new bully reigning terror on various nerds and dweebs? These are all questions yet to be answered.

Why Aren't I Famous Yet?

I've got the looks.  I've got the attitude.  I've got fantastic wordplay.  I've got the creativity.  And I've sure as shit got the humor.  So why aren't I famous yet?  It's a good question that I have no answer for.  I've paid my dues and I think I'm deserving of some recognition.  I'll be the first to admit that my posting numbers have dropped a bit as of late, but that's only because I'm not being shown the love that I once was.  I know you couldn't tell from looking at me, but on the inside of this chiseled and well groomed exterior is a soft, doughy center that needs love and confirmation, and I simply haven't been receiving it much lately and it has taken a toll on my blogging abilities.  I've tried to push through it but poor publicity and a lack of stardom has an effect on even The Bod.  I just wanted to share my feelings with you.  I'm not going to try to coerce you into spreading the word again because I know it won't work.  I just wanted to let you know how I'm feeling.  I'm not mad, just disappointed.

Answer for Johnny Sac

Johnny Sac writes:

I love to sing Boys II Men songs, yet my colleagues can't stand it. I have committed tons of time to hitting those high notes in "I'll Make Love To You", and those low notes in "When The Water Runs Dry". What should I do Todder? I feel I need to stand up for myself and keep singing away? What are your suggestions being quite the singer yourself?

Let me just start off by saying I am quite a singer. I frequently belt out one song or another, usually with the name Todd replacing actual lyrics. I am also a huge Boyz II Men fan. When I saw them in concert (granted only three of the four boyz were there, and since it was only a couple of months ago they were no mere boyz) it made my heart melt and my soul cry. If I had caught them in their prime and seen all four of them together I think I would have cried so many tears of joy that a river would have immediately have formed as soon they started singing "Water Runs Dry" and they would have had to stop singing it because obviously the water would not be running dry, in which case I would start crying tears of sadness because they stopped singing such a lovely song.

At any rate, you're in quite a dilly of a pickle. Believe me, I know the urge to just start serenading my coworkers with "I'll Make Love to You," but not only is it a bit inappropriate, it may cause a sexual harassment lawsuite. You just have to wait for the right moments to sing. Perhaps if you're all alone in the bathroom you can belt out a few bars. Or perhaps you can have entrance and exit music for each day. Maybe you can walk in singing a song like "Baby C'Mon" to get everyone hyped up and leave singing a song like "The End of the Road" signaling the end of the work day. Just get a little creative with it. And if you just can't go the day without singing at inappropriate times, well them I'm going to tell you what Whoopi Goldberg told Lauren Hill in Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit: "If you wake up in the morning, and you can't think anything but singing, then you should be a singer, girl."

Todd's Dreams #2

In this dream which I had a few days ago, myself and my friend Matt O'Donnell (spelling of his name may or may not be correct) were to put on a play. But no, this was no ordinary play. It was a two man show that we put together after an episode of CSI. The episode of CSI which we were turning into a play was an episode which was about me (I don't think it's too big a stretch that they would make an episode about me). It was a dinner theater type of play wear Matt and I were on a circle stage surrounded by people. The play was to be a comedy. When we were about to start acting it out I woke up. Quite unfortunate because I would have loved to have seen myself act out an episode of CSI based on me. Priceless. Let the deciphering begin.