Answer for Mince Meat

Mince Meat writes:

Growing up, some of my favorite comedic actors were Jim Carrey, Adam Sandler, Chris Farley, Mike Myers, Ben Stiller and Chris Rock. A new crop of actors are starting to come in and make consistently funny movies. Who do you think the top 5 comedic actors are right now? Obviously some of the ones I listed are still current and can be used if you feel they're still in the top 5. Thanks, Bod

I wouldn't consider any of these actors the top 5 comedic actors any more. Jim Carrey is still great, but he mostly does for-realsies movies now and hasn't been in a good comedy in quite some time (crossing our fingers for The Three Stooges). Adam Sandler is a joke. Perhaps Funny People will be good, but that's his only chance at getting back on top of the comedy game without screaming, "Yippidy Doo" at people. Chris Farley is RIP. Mike Myers did The Love Guru. Ben Stiller knows what funny is, but he himself is not all that funny. And I don't know why Chris Rock is still so angry, he's really rich. Comedy is a game that is hard to stay on top of. The top comedian actors go in and out like a revolving door (thanks Crazy Town), and it is rare for the same actor to be the best for a long period of time. With that in mind, I give you my current top 5.

5. Will Ferrell. As little as a year ago he probably would have been higher on this list, but he hasn't made much as of late. However, he helped bring about a whole new bunch of comedians into the game, and The Land of the Lost looks fantastic. He consistently plays the same character, but he plays that character down to the t, and it never gets old.

4. Danny McBride. Like a younger, more white trash version of Will Ferrell, his stock has been on the rise since Will Ferrell saw The Foot Fist Way. Since then he has had terrific roles in Pineapple Express and Tropic Thunder, as well as being the lead in the hilarious HBO show Eastbound and Down, of which he is also a writer. Coming up, he is a co-star in the aforementioned The Land of the Lost, and I also hear we may be seeing him fight a minotaur sometime in the future. That sounds fantastic.

3. Seth Rogen. The ubiquitous comedy actor has been on a role lately, and everything he is in is hilarious and a box-office success. However, now that he is thin in preparation for his role in The Green Hornet, he is not nearly as funny. Fat is way funnier than skinny, and you can take that to the bank and cash it.

2. Jason Segel. I've enjoyed the work of Jason Segel ever since his role as a sex-feend in Slackers, and although there was a rather large gap between that role and his current streak of successful movies and television shows, he has only gotten stronger. He was terrific in Knocked Up. He was terrific in Forgetting Sarah Marshall. And he was terrific in I Love You, Man. Plus, anyone who is willing to show their fat naked body to millions of people is ok by me.

1. Paul Rudd. Although Paul Rudd has only recently become an A-list comedic actor, his dues have long been paid and he is now reeking the benifits. He is not only #1 on this list because he is indeed hilarious, but because of his ability to work with all the different big comedy factions. He is able to go seemlessly between smaller films and "gigs" with the boys of Wet Hot American Summer (not including Wain's Role Models, which was indeed big), to movies with the Ferrell squad, and now more recently with the Apatow gang, and he is terrific in them all.

I probably didn't think of some people, so if you have additions or would like to argue the order of my top 5, feel free to do so in the comments section.

Beards Etc

Good news. Beards Etc. is back up and running. I have no idea what the malfunctioning was due to, but if you have not and would like to see some glorious facial hair, check it out.

http://www.comportal.villanova.edu/multimedia_classes/S08/todde/beardsetc.html

Top 5 Swords

After a rousing coversation with some of my mates last night, I decided to write a post about the top 5 swords of all time. The sword is a brilliant battle weapon, and there have been many glorious blades throughout time and film. Whether it be used to slice off limbs, used as intimidation, or simply used to slice a piece of meat, the sword has huge cultural significance, and these are some of the best swords of all time. This list does not have to be exclusive to film, but that is where they all come from because I couldn't really think of others.

5. The curved sword that Morgan Freeman throws in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves to kill the witch. Unlike nearly all other swords, the sword held by Azeem was curved, giving it an even higher level of intimidation, and with Morgan Freeman wielding it, it is a match made in heaven. That toss by Freeman with the sword hitting the witch right in the back solidified its' place in the top five.

4. That long-ass sword Mel Gibson uses in Braveheart. The longest sword of the bunch and probably the sword to shed the most blood, William Wallace's sword was a blade to be reckoned with. It was like a four foot long blade. That's ridiculously unnecessary. Who wouldn't be scared of that?

3. The Hattori Hanzo sword from Kill Bill. Cuts through other swords. Cuts through limbs like they were warm butter. Scalps a bitch like nobodies business. 'Nuff said.

2. Narsil, broken and reforged as Anduril, the sword that was broken in Lord of the Rings. The sword that cuts off the one ring from the hand of Sauron, later to be reforged to wield an army of ghosts and lead the land of middle earth to freedom. No other sword has such a rich history, exept for perhaps the number 1.

*2. Our good friend Hoolanio reminded me of another sword, a non-film sword, that definitely would have been my #2 if I had thought of it, and so I had to make it #2 with an asterisk. However, I did not want to remove Morgan Freeman's crooked sword because the sword already got its' hopes up and I'd hate to hurt its' feelings. My real #2 would have been The Master Sword, The Blade of Evil's Bane, The Heroe's Sword, the sword that Link uses time and time again to repel the evil of Ganon and save the day in The Legend of Zelda. The most important weapon in arguably the best gaming franchise of all time should have been my #2 all along, and I feel a fool for not having originally put it. Thanks Hoolanio.

1. Excalibur. Bad-ass name. Bad-ass sword. A rich history is for certain, however, it is a merky history. Many believe Excalibur was placed in a stone by the sorcerer Merlin. Merlin put it into the stone because he did not want its' power to be used by someone with the wrong intentions, so in the stone it stayed, awaiting its rightful owner. Years later, Arthur, later King Arthur, came about and removed the sword from the stone, and with Excalibur he lead his army to many victories and was a glorious king. It is also said that Arthur received Excalibur from the Lady in the Lake, and while wielding it he could not be mortally wounded. No other sword has such a legendary past, and no sword ever shall.

Note: I did not include the light saber on the list because I thought it shouldn't really count as a sword. Plus, there are too many light sabers to choose from. Also, Blade's sword from the Blade Trilogy was up there, but got knocked off last second by Morgan Freeman's sword. Leonardo's sword from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were not included because he never actually kills anyone with them. They must be blunt or something cause he only ever trips people with them. If you would like to dispute my list, or just mention other classic swords, feel free to in the comments section.

Where the Wild Todds Are

The title of this post has nothing to do with how wild I am or where you can find more wild Todd's, I just didn't want to straight up name it Where the Wild Things Are. Plus, I love shouting myself out. At any rate, our good friend odonnellMONSTER requested a post about the new Where the Wild Things Are trailer, and since I am never one to let down a fan, that is what I am going to do.

First off, I'd like to state that Where the Wild Things Are was one of my favorite children's books growing up, even though it gave me many sleepless nights. I don't care how friendly those fucking things are, they're still scarey as shit. Despite this, Where the Wild Things Are is one of the most beloved children's books of all time, not just by me but by the entire world (yes, even in Belarus, where this may be more than a fictional story.) Seeing as how it so wonderful, it is definitely worthy of a big screen adventure, and it couldn't be in better hands than the hands of Spike Jonze, the director behind such wierd-ass films as Adaptation and Being John Malkolvich. Judging by the trailer, Where the Wild Things Are seems similar to those two films tonally, and although they are all very different, they are all wacked out stories with a dark side and crazy creative.

That's enough of that. As far as the trailer goes, you can check that out below. And if you didn't get enough Spike Jonze, check out the sweet ass music video he did below that.

As far as other children's stories that should be turned into movies go, my list is as follows.

1. Henry and Mudge. I know we all saw that coming, but come on, a story about boy-dog comradory never gets old.

2. Who Stole My Hairy Toe? I don't know if that is actually the name of the book, but it is super scarey and made my brother cry on several occassions, and any story that can do that is ok with me.

3. Are You My Mother? Sad, yet gripping. An emotional roller-coaster.

4. The Very Young Caterpillar. A story of maturation and growth. Beautiful.

5. Harry: The Dirty Dog. A lost dog must find his way home. Gut-wrenching.

That's it. There are of course more, but I'll let you add some in the comments section.

Answer for oneofthebens

oneofthebens writes:

How much internet traffic does one need before they can actually put up annoying ads on the side of their site?

I'm fairly positive that with this question you are straight up calling me out on my ads on the side of my page, which is fine. Although I don't think my ads are annoying, nor are they in any way lucrative, I understand the complaint, if it is indeed a complaint. Normally I would say you need a pretty good amount of "traffic" (maybe a thousand views a day) in order to deem annoying ads worthy of being on the page. As for my site, I am no where near, "a pretty good amount of 'traffic'", and as such I haven't really earned the right (nor earned any money) to have annoying ads. That being said, I also find it comical to have ads on my site considering they produce zero revenue for me. Plus, it's interesting to see what ads Google AdSense places on my webpage, and what they come up with is often quite funny, i.e. Van Damme toys, puberty pills, and the like. However, when the day comes where my blog explodes, I'll be well prepared and rolling in the dough.

In case you were wondering, no amount of traffic should give a site owner the right to put up those like page encompassing ads where you can't tell where the ad ends and the page begins. Those are the pits. Also, pop-ups should never be used by anyone, nor should those ads that you need to click "skip" to get by. Those are super annoying as well.

35 Things Funnier than Dane Cook

Our good friend odonnellMONSTER came up with this idea and we ran with it. The following list is 35 things funnier than Dane Cook. Just remember that the number is arbitrary because we could have done this all night. Enjoy.

1. hybrid fruits
2. Kazaam
3. Steel
4. Shaq-Fu
5. PT Cruisers
6. DMX's gospel album
7. the name "Harry"or other names that give you a false impression or too much information about someone
8. glee clubs
9. the sport of curling
10. fat people in small shorts
11. fat people
12. the unfortunate success of asher roth's "I love college"
13. tiny instruments
14. pearl harbor
15. polio
16. Howie Mendel's soul patch
17. Howie Mendel's lack of humor
18. Howie Mendel on "Bobby's World"
20. oversized lemons
21. bike helmets
22. Carrot Top's standup routine
23. My Best Friends Girl
24. geocentrism
25. whip-its
26. pretending to talk on a shoe phone
27. talking bears
28. using trebuchet's as a form of communication
29. olestra
30. excessive use of emoticons
31. alternating back and forth between capital and lower case letters
32. calling mayonnaise sandwich lube
33. most extreme primate
34. domesticating animals that should be extinct, i.e. hamsters
35. calling killer whales orcas

This isn't difficult, so feel free to share any others you may have.

Answer for Greg

Greg writes:

Bod,I recently met a beautiful girl and I could tell she was into me. As I talked with her more and joked around I realized she had the most annoying/gross laugh ever created. It was somehow ear piercing and flemmy at the same time. She is real hot but it was a unbelievable turn-off. I found myself not wanting to make her laugh to avoid hearing it. What are your top 3 turn-offs in women? Thanks.

First off, I'd like to congratulate you on getting said hot girl to be "into" you. That's always the most difficult part, so good work. Secondly, I have to tell you, I don't think I've ever thought about this before so I am not prepared with any sort of list, but we'll I see what I can do on the fly. By the by, I'm not going to count this annoying laugh on my list cause that's a bit of a cop out on my part, but if I had thought of that on my own that could quite likely have made the list.

The first on my list would have to be a lack of sense of humor. If a girl doesn't think I'm funny or doesn't laugh at my jokes or just has a dim-witted sense of humor, she's outta here. If I could equate my life to a game of lazer tag for a moment, having people laugh at my jokes is like when you stick your gun in that hole and you hear the sound, "boooweeep." It is my energizer, and being with a girl that can't laugh with me is like me just sitting there, hearing, "energize, energize, energize," all day long in my ear.

The second turn off on my list is uptightness. I'm not the most, as A-Rod would put it, "loosey-goosey" person on the planet, but I do like to, when the occassion calls for, let loose and have a good time. If a girl cannot do this she is taken down many a notch on my list. I frequently make a rather large fool of myself, and a girl who doesn't want to be around me when I'm doing such things or cannot join in on the foolishness, well she's just not going to last very long.

A final turn off on my list is an excessive knowledge of sports. I feel like most guys like it when girls know a lot about sports, but for some reason that is generally not the case with me. I like it if the girl has a general knowledge about sports or has certain teams that she follows, that's fine. However, to follow sports religiously and really have an extensive knowledge of statistics and things of that nature just does not do it for me.

That's my list. Let me know what you think Greg, and let me know what you think all readers of Todder's Playhouse, male and female alike.

Answer for Jasper

Jasper writes:

If you had to give up one of these things for the rest of your life, which would you choose? Facial Hair, Cereal or Movies.

Very good question Jasper, although I believe that question mark belongs at the end of the sentence rather than after choose. I of course could be wrong, in which case this is still a humorous intro.

At any rate, of the three, movies is the one I'm least likely to give up. Although if I did give it up I'd probably become much more educated, I'd miss out on many social outings as well as being an outsider on any movie conversations. I'd also be really bored and probably think I was better than everyone else because I didn't watch movies, regardless of whether or not I gave it up on my own.

That leaves us with facial hair and cereal. I really do enjoy a good bowl of cereal. It's a simple and quick breakfast and involves no brain power whatsoever in its' preparation. Not to mention it makes a great snack at any point during the day. Facial hair, on the other hand, can be a nuisance. I do indeed hate shaving, but I wouldn't be who I am today if it were not for my ridiculous facial hair. Also, how am I supposed to look cool or trendy without a little bit of stubble. It's impossible. Plus, if I want to look older I'd have no means of doing so. With these arguments in mind, I think I'd have to give up cereal. I could still have oatmeal, and, although it would be more time consuming, I'd probably end up having a heartier breakfast.

MacGyver 2.0

If you like making explosives with a tooth pick and some chewing gum or picking locks with a blade of grass and some fresh morning dew drops, then you should love this news. Coming soon (by soon I mean I have no idea when) to a theater near you is MacGyver the film. Hopefully whoever they cast will have as terrific of a mullet as Richard Dean Anderson (as seen below). That guy simply had a terrific head of hair. For those of you who don't know who MacGyver is, you don't know what you're missing (literally, since you don't know who MacGyver is). Anyway, check out the clip from below and try to be not excited about the prospect of seeing that on the big screen. I know I can't.

Answer for Fabian

Fabian writes:

Bod,
I'd like to switch it up from the weirdo questions you've been answering lately and talk sports. Who would you choose as the MVP of the NBA this year at this point. The general consensus is that it's between Kobe, Lebron and most recently Wade was added to the list. I realize a lot can change in the next few months but I wanted to see what Bod says. Thanks man

This is probably the most serious question I have ever gotten. Not like the ebola virus or brush fires serious, but serious in the fact that I have no way to make this comedic. I'm not really known for my sports commentary, nor am I the most educated in sports statistics, however, I ostricize (wierd word, possibly named after how the ostrich is made fun of by all other birds?) no Todder's Playhouse reader and as such will give you the best answer I can come up with.

As of recent, I would have to give the MVP award to D-Wade. I would give him the award not only for his ability to change NBA band-aid rules, but because he has been simply filling up the highlight reel as of late. He kind of slid off of the NBA super-star list after the last two seasons, and the Heat fell with him, but he is obviously back with a vengeance this year. I don't want to reference stats because that's not my style, but he is averaging, like, a lot of points. His team may have the worst record of the three, but he also has arguably the worst supporting cast of the three teams (the Lakers having easily the best, and the Cavs also not so good). While none of the three teams would be nearly as good without their retrospective stars, the Heat would be no where near playoff contention if not for what D-Wade has been doing as of late. With respect to the other players, Kobe Bryant is having a terrific year and doing a great job leading his Bynum-less Lakers to the best record in the NBA and has already clinched a playoff spot, while Lebron James is a man-child and will be the most dominant player in the NBA for the next 7-10 years. However, D-Wade has stepped up his game big time down the stretch and is making the Heat a force to be reckoned with.

Note: If my heart had been doing the talking, all it would be saying would be, "Alonzo Mourning, Alonzo Mourning, Alonzo Mourning." I don't care that he retired, he deserves it.

None of These People Are Expendable

I know I've written enough about The Expendables and I know that my enthusiasm is oozing through the pages (if you printing the blog out and reading it, otherwise I guess it's oozing through the screen) but I am dedicated to giving you every update I come across, and that is what I shall do. The newest members to join the team of expendables are Charisma Carpenter of Angel fame and Steve Austin of And that's the bottom line 'cause Stone Cold said so fame.












So, so far, we have Sylvester Stallone, Forest Whitiker, Arnold, Jet Li, Mickey Rourke, Jason Statham, Eric Roberts, Dolph Lundgren, Danny Trejo, Randy Couture, and now Stone Cold Steve Austin and Charisma Carpenter. Who could be next? Wesley "Drop Zone" Snipes? Steven "Under Siege" Seagal? Bolo "Bloodsport" Yueng? Stay tuned to find out.

A Story That Probably Should Have Ended

According to "my" sources, there are a couple of production companies interested in developing a remake to one of the best children stories and films of all time, The Neverending Story. Originally released in 1984, The Neverending Story was one of the original sci-fi children's story, and a masterpiece in its' own right. Two of the companies said to be in the vying for the remake are Kennedy/Marshall Co. and Leo DiCap's Appian Way.

As much as I love The Neverending Story, I don't know if I can bare to see it remade. It is a classic of legendary proportions, and one that may lose its' charm if made into a big budget, wack-ass children's movie. I don't want to see The Neverending Story be taken down the road of your Eragon's, your Stardust's, your Golden Compassii. That is, I don't want what is an awesome story being cornified and ligthened up for mass audiences. I also don't want to see it dumbed-down for dumbass children who can't handle a scary story. Although The Neverending Story is a children's story, it's dark as shit, and that better not be compromised. Besides, how can you make this look any better, even with modern technology?

Note: I do not support The Neverending Story II nor III.

Also, for your viewing pleasure, one of the greatest songs of all time. Enjoy.

Answer for Anonyous (Ryan Edmund Burke & Whitney Richelle Davis0

Anonymous (Ryan Edmund Burke & Whitney Richelle Davis) said...

I have a medical question that maybe you or Lon might be able to help me with. I fear there may be a dragon living inside my stomach. Thoughts?

Yo, I think that might just be indigestion. Try some Pepto Bismol.

I considered just answering with the above answer, but I wanted you to get your moneys worth so I'll dwell on the question a little further. First, I don't think this is Lon's (my father's) specialty. Although he is knowledgeable on all things medical related, he generally does not delve into the realm of mythic creatures. Maybe he does and he's just been keeping a secret all these years, but I doubt it.

Secondly, as long as you don't feel any intense burning in your stomach (burning, get it, cause dragons breath fire and fire burns stuff) I say leave it be. If you are blessed enough to have what arguably could be the only dragon left on this planet residing in your stomach, just let him or her be. Assuming that this dragon can breath fire, which, in case you weren't unaware, they all can't do, but assuming this one can, he/she is pretty much doing the job of your stomach acids anyway. Instead of your food being broken down by acids it's being charbroiled via dragon breath. It's the same thing pretty much.

Finally, if the dragon breaks through your stomach lining with his/her flames, you should probably go to the hospital or something.

Answer for Anonymous

Anonymous writes:

Biochemical Oxygen Demand (BOD) is a chemical procedure for determining how fast biological organisms use up oxygen in a body of water. It is used in water quality management and assessment, ecology and environmental science. BOD is not an accurate quantitative test, although it could be considered as an indication of the quality of a water source.

I read further and it essentially is used to measure the effectiveness of wastewater treatment plants. Not so glorifying.

Are you upset that the acronym that is used to refer to you has such a boring and disgusting meaning?

Thank you for the deeper level of meaning of my name, The Bod. I appreciate the hard work that you conducted and in depth research you did in order to find another meaning for my name. You're hard work does not go unappreciated or unnoticed and will not be forgotten, although since you are anonymous there is no one to take credit for it so it probably will be forgotten. Sorry.

Personally, I am quite honored to have a name that coincidentally (or not, wink wink) stands for a very important test. It may not be the most glamorous of tests, not your "Brangelina" of oxygen tests so to speak, but that doesn't make it any less important. If it weren't for BOD, who knows how oxygen-free and gross our recycled water would be? In these days of high bottled water prices and decreased water availability, clean water from wastewater treatment plants is more important than ever, and there is no better way to test the cleaniness of the water than BOD.

Again, thanks for the research, and anytime you're stumped by a question, don't be afraid to Ask Todd.

Answer for odonnellMONSTER

odonnellMONSTER writes:

Yo,


Fighters: Abominable Snowman vs. Nessy the Loch Ness Monster.


Fight Location: A Volcano Island in the Arctic.


Who Wins? Who Dies? Who Refs?


Go!


Oh odonnellMONSTER, you and your abstract questions. This is a tough question, but if anyone has the knowledge necessary to answer it, it's me. However, before I start, I would just like you to know, if you didn't already know, that I have a definite bias towards Nessy. I did my eighth (eighth is tough to spell) grade research question on whether or not the Loch Ness Monster existed or not, and Nessy and I bonded during the months of research needed to adequately answer that question. I'll try to keep my personal feelings out of this.

VS.
Personally, I think this is a pretty unfair fight. Anytime you pit a land creature vs. a water creature, the odds are pretty highly stacked in the water creatures favor. Assuming that Nessie cannot, or will not, venture onto land, this battle would have to take place in the water. If you think that the abomidadle snowman has a chance against Nessie once he hits the water, think again. Although I personally believe that Nessie is probably a pretty nice creature once you get to know him/her, if you venture into his arena, don't expect any mercy. Unless the abomidable snowman is a better than expected swimmer, which, judging by Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer he is not, or has some sort of swimming apparatus or long range grappling gun, he does not have much of a chance and would probably end up dead.

As for the ref of this lop-side battle royal, it would have to be a penguin. Penguins are already dressed for the gig, and they are able the battle the elements of the artic.

Todd's Stories #16

I guess when I was around the age of 12 my brother got a laser tag set for Christmas. This was before you could go to your local DZ Zone or Sporttime and play. This was before those shitty little ones became big where you had the little target on your front and back and a little pussy gun and light that screetched when you were shot. This was the real deal. Big ass guns that took 8 D batteries each in order to be used.

Anyway, we obviously wanted to use them immediately so we scrounged around for every D battery in the house until we had a grand total of 16 D batteries (that's 8 x 2, 8 being the number of batteries it takes for each gun and 2 being the number of guns, in case you didn't know.) The guns were these big green guns with a wire that attacked to them that went from the gun to this head set with a light on it to signal when you got hit. However, that wasn't the only signal the gun gave for a direct hit. The head gear would shake like crazy, and for me at the age of 12, it would shake to the point of putting me to tears. You may be asking yourself, well why would that be fun? Well, the answer is it wasn't, but my brother, 6 years my senior, made me play anyway. But in retrospect, I'm glad he made me play. If he didn't force me into playing a game that made me cry every time I was hit, I wouldn't have become the hardened man that I am today. That game of laser tag changed me, and I will never forget it.

The moral of the story is don't be a panzy. Play a game that brings the pain.