When you were younger, do you remember going out with your family and friends on a camping trip? Do you remember how much fun it was to go kayaking and canoing and sleeping in a tent? Well I sure do. It was always a blast to go camping in the wilderness and enjoying the fresh air and good company. I would sleep like a baby in those tents, breathing in the crisp, clean air and listening to the water in the brooke flow near by. That is, I slept like a baby every night except the worst night of my life.
I had been on camping trips before so I had already popped my camping cherry. I was by no means an expert, but I knew how to get around in the great outdoors and was not afraid to get a little dirty. I had gone camping on several previous camping trips with my good friends the Princes', but we had always gotten nothing but blue skies and great weather. Well, that was not to be so on this trip, and I would pay the ultimate price.
On the previous trips I had brought a little inflattable mattress to put my sleeping bag on top of. By no means was it the most comfortable mattress out there, but it got the job done. This trip however I thought that I would try something new. From the years my sister had gone to sleep away camp she had a couple of little cotton mattress that provided the comfort and cushion that I oh so desired. I decided to bring one of those cotton mattresses instead, and it's a decision I have regreted ever since.
The first night everything went smoothly. The cotton mattress worked to perfection and I was as comfortable as a fat little boy could be. The second night, however, was a completely different story. Apparently during that night it rained quite a bit. Under normal circumstances, that would have been no big deal. However, I had brought along a cotton mattress. As we all know cotton has a nasty little habit of absorbing water. Well, I found that out the cold and wet way. I woke up in the middle of the night to a mattress soaking wet and freezing cold. At first I thought I had peed my pants because I couldn't for the life of me figure out why all my stuff was wet. It wouldn't be until much later on that I would discover it was simply rain water, but either way I was cold and extremely uncomfortable (in retrospect I may have preferred pee because at least that would have been warm for a while.)
Not wanting to disturb anyone else, I simply just laid there, shivering and wide awake in my giant puddle of a mattress. It wouldn't until be hours later until the sun finally rose and I felt a tiny bit of warmth. I immediately got out of the tent, and although I was still very cold, anything was better than that pneumonia trap of a cotton mattress. When the parents finally awoke and started making a fire I could not have been more relieved, finally able to feel my hands as they roasted over the hot flame. The next night I just slept on the ground in my sleeping bag, but anything was better than that giant sponge I had previously called a mattress.
The moral of the story is sleeping in freezing cold water sucks and don't bring a cotton mattress on a camping trip.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Corey Haim Back on the Nose Candy
We all know that I love Corey Feldman and Corey Haim, as well as their television show The Two Coreys. We also all know how I feel about the upcoming sequel to The Lost Boys (it's going to be awful). Well, when you put the two together I figure something special has to happen. At the very least watching the two Coreys filming such a cheesy movie has to be entertaining. And what could go wrong? Well, watch the following clip to find out.
It turns out a lot could go wrong. If you were listening to the end their you can hear a little snorting noise. If that's not one of the more awkward things to hear and watch on television I don't know what is. Poor ol' Corey Haim is back on that powder, while poor ol' Corey Feldman has to deal with that cry baby. Neither is in a very good position. In the defense of Haim he just really wants to get into his character, and if his character is a crack dealer, than he's doing a really good job getting into character. Why they are still "friends" I'm not quite sure, but it seems as though Feldman got the short end of the stick on that friendship. And Haim is yet another example of a child star gone wrong and then getting better and then going wrong again. Typical Hollywood. Oh well, I still love you Corey (insert either last name).
Monday, July 7, 2008
Answer for Drunk Clam
Drunk Clam writes:
I have recently heard that women in South Korea and Italy are having hair transplanted to their nether regions. It is a sign of fertility. Do you think this trend will catch on in the US? Will we be seeing more hair down there in the future? How do you think I can find one of these fertile women?
To be honest Drunk Clam, I hadn't heard of such a thing until you pointed it out. Personally, it kind of sickens me. Hair plugs look gross enough when they are on a fat old man's head, never mind when they are right above a woman's vagina. However, seeing as I am not from South Korea, I cannot really judge the situation. I am personally a man who doesn't want to see any signs of a rain forest down there, but that's because I'm a westerner. I assume if I was a Korean man I would feel much differently.
My other feelings on the situation are that if I believed a big bush is a sign of fertility and I got with a women because she had a rather large one, I would feel quite betrayed if it turned out she had a fake bush and she couldn't bear children. It would be like going out with Ricky Martin because you thought he had a big dick but then found out he had been stuffing his pants with socks all along. I also find it kind of nasty that these transplants take place using the hair on the woman's head. I guess it's better than another person's hair or animal hair, but it's still gross. But again, I'm not Sout Korean so I it's hard for me to judge.
I do not think this trend will catch on the U.S. Seeing as how I have never heard of pubic hair being a sign of fertility I do not think we will have the same issue. Plus, we here in the U.S. like our women smooth and clean, and a big bush just won't "cut it." But who knows, maybe one day all women will have hairy bushes. However, that day is not today.
As far as finding these fertile women goes, I think it is probably pretty difficult. You'd have to assume that they'd be pretty wealthy seeing as how the operation costs upwards of $2000. Also, if they are wearing underwear or a bathing suit and there is a big bulge right above the vagina, you can probably assume they have a big bush, whether it be a transplant or not. Other than that, I am sure these fertile women blend in with the rest of society, living amongst us, a band of bush transplanted women claiming to be fertile. Oh the humanity.
I have recently heard that women in South Korea and Italy are having hair transplanted to their nether regions. It is a sign of fertility. Do you think this trend will catch on in the US? Will we be seeing more hair down there in the future? How do you think I can find one of these fertile women?
To be honest Drunk Clam, I hadn't heard of such a thing until you pointed it out. Personally, it kind of sickens me. Hair plugs look gross enough when they are on a fat old man's head, never mind when they are right above a woman's vagina. However, seeing as I am not from South Korea, I cannot really judge the situation. I am personally a man who doesn't want to see any signs of a rain forest down there, but that's because I'm a westerner. I assume if I was a Korean man I would feel much differently.
My other feelings on the situation are that if I believed a big bush is a sign of fertility and I got with a women because she had a rather large one, I would feel quite betrayed if it turned out she had a fake bush and she couldn't bear children. It would be like going out with Ricky Martin because you thought he had a big dick but then found out he had been stuffing his pants with socks all along. I also find it kind of nasty that these transplants take place using the hair on the woman's head. I guess it's better than another person's hair or animal hair, but it's still gross. But again, I'm not Sout Korean so I it's hard for me to judge.
I do not think this trend will catch on the U.S. Seeing as how I have never heard of pubic hair being a sign of fertility I do not think we will have the same issue. Plus, we here in the U.S. like our women smooth and clean, and a big bush just won't "cut it." But who knows, maybe one day all women will have hairy bushes. However, that day is not today.
As far as finding these fertile women goes, I think it is probably pretty difficult. You'd have to assume that they'd be pretty wealthy seeing as how the operation costs upwards of $2000. Also, if they are wearing underwear or a bathing suit and there is a big bulge right above the vagina, you can probably assume they have a big bush, whether it be a transplant or not. Other than that, I am sure these fertile women blend in with the rest of society, living amongst us, a band of bush transplanted women claiming to be fertile. Oh the humanity.
Sunday, July 6, 2008
For Once, Utah's Got it Right
These days Americans are known for their grueling work hours. The days of the 9-5 job seem to be left behind for 50-60 hour work weeks. Some workers are even lucky to only have to work Monday through Friday. Well Utah, in an unprecedented move, said fuck that. This summer Utah will be the first state to institute a mandatory four-day work week. As if there weren't already enough reasons to move to Utah (none that I can think of), now there's one more.
The switch to the four-day work week is an effort to reduce the state's carbon footprint, increase energy efficieny, improve customer service (it's just awful in Utah), and provide worker's more flexibility. However, offices must remain open longer Monday-Thursday to make up for the lost hours on Fridays.
Governor Jon (where's the h?) Huntsman, the man implementing the four-day work week, says that it will not only help Utah reach its' goal of reducing energy use 20% by 2015, but it will also lure in more young workers. No offense Jon, but I think Utah is going to need more than just four-day work weeks to lure anyone in. Maybe if you got rid of some of the Mormons and threw in some cities and casinos then you might get some new customers. Then again, Utah is a beautiful state, and perhaps it could be a nice place to start a new life (especially if you want to become a hick (no offense to hicks)).
The switch to the four-day work week is an effort to reduce the state's carbon footprint, increase energy efficieny, improve customer service (it's just awful in Utah), and provide worker's more flexibility. However, offices must remain open longer Monday-Thursday to make up for the lost hours on Fridays.
Governor Jon (where's the h?) Huntsman, the man implementing the four-day work week, says that it will not only help Utah reach its' goal of reducing energy use 20% by 2015, but it will also lure in more young workers. No offense Jon, but I think Utah is going to need more than just four-day work weeks to lure anyone in. Maybe if you got rid of some of the Mormons and threw in some cities and casinos then you might get some new customers. Then again, Utah is a beautiful state, and perhaps it could be a nice place to start a new life (especially if you want to become a hick (no offense to hicks)).
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Answer for One of the Bens
One of the Bens writes:
The Bearded Bod,How should one tip. Is it really ever acceptable to not leave anyting?
Well one of the Bens, I personally like to leave a gentlemanly 20% (we'll be discussing restaurants only. I don't have the kind of time it would take to discuss all types of tipping. Plus, I think I have in a past post). If the service is good the waiter deserves it (plus it makes you seem like the man). Come on, this is how they make there living. However, 20% is not always the way to go.
If the bill is really low then I sometimes find it a good idea to leave more than 20%. For example, lets say the bill comes to $16 and all you have is a $20 bill, don't be a deuche, just leave the $20. It'll make you seem like a good guy and who knows, next time you return perhaps the waiter will remember you as that cool kid who tipped a lot and give you extra special care.
So far we have only touched upon good service. Now let's get to the ugly stuff: bad service.
If the service is sub-par then feel free to go as low as 10% depending on how bad it is. It is my belief that all restaurants should have little scales placed on all the tables. The scale starts at 25% for the best service you've ever received and ends with 5% for the worst service ever. After each mistake made my the waiter or waitress you dock them a percentage point. That way there are no suprises at the end and everyone knows what's going down. Of course this is a completely objective scale, but that's the nature of the beast that is tipping anyway.
Truthfully, I don't know if it is ever acceptable to just leave nothing. I have never come across a situation where 0% was necessary. However, since that is a boring answer I will give some hypothetical situations for no tipping which I have never personally come across. For instance, if you had allergies and informed the waiter or waitress of these allergies and they gave you something with ingredients you were allergic to and you died, I would think that not only should there be no tip whoever you were with probably shouldn't even pay the bill. Or if you order soup and there's a used condom in it you probably shouldn't leave a tip. Or if you go to the Outback Steakhouse and the waiter or waitress doesn't have rolled up sleeves and doesn't sit next to you to take your order, don't leave a tip. However, these are all extremely rare events which I have never personally witnessed. If anyone out there has other examples of when not to tip, feel free to share.
The Bearded Bod,How should one tip. Is it really ever acceptable to not leave anyting?
Well one of the Bens, I personally like to leave a gentlemanly 20% (we'll be discussing restaurants only. I don't have the kind of time it would take to discuss all types of tipping. Plus, I think I have in a past post). If the service is good the waiter deserves it (plus it makes you seem like the man). Come on, this is how they make there living. However, 20% is not always the way to go.
If the bill is really low then I sometimes find it a good idea to leave more than 20%. For example, lets say the bill comes to $16 and all you have is a $20 bill, don't be a deuche, just leave the $20. It'll make you seem like a good guy and who knows, next time you return perhaps the waiter will remember you as that cool kid who tipped a lot and give you extra special care.
So far we have only touched upon good service. Now let's get to the ugly stuff: bad service.
If the service is sub-par then feel free to go as low as 10% depending on how bad it is. It is my belief that all restaurants should have little scales placed on all the tables. The scale starts at 25% for the best service you've ever received and ends with 5% for the worst service ever. After each mistake made my the waiter or waitress you dock them a percentage point. That way there are no suprises at the end and everyone knows what's going down. Of course this is a completely objective scale, but that's the nature of the beast that is tipping anyway.
Truthfully, I don't know if it is ever acceptable to just leave nothing. I have never come across a situation where 0% was necessary. However, since that is a boring answer I will give some hypothetical situations for no tipping which I have never personally come across. For instance, if you had allergies and informed the waiter or waitress of these allergies and they gave you something with ingredients you were allergic to and you died, I would think that not only should there be no tip whoever you were with probably shouldn't even pay the bill. Or if you order soup and there's a used condom in it you probably shouldn't leave a tip. Or if you go to the Outback Steakhouse and the waiter or waitress doesn't have rolled up sleeves and doesn't sit next to you to take your order, don't leave a tip. However, these are all extremely rare events which I have never personally witnessed. If anyone out there has other examples of when not to tip, feel free to share.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Answer for Matt
Welcome back questioners. Matt writes:
Knight Rider was an American television series shown on NBC from the years 1982-1986. It starred the always studdily David Hasselhoff as Michael Knight, a modern day "knight" driving a "high-tech" car named KITT helping those in need. Although there were other reasons as well, it was greatly due to Hasselhoff's stunning features and brilliant acting that this show became an immediate success. I mean come on, who can say no to a German who can sing, act, and has abs of steel. I know I can't.
Write something about knight rider
Although this is obviously not a question, I'm not one to not indulge my readers, so here we go.
Knight Rider was an American television series shown on NBC from the years 1982-1986. It starred the always studdily David Hasselhoff as Michael Knight, a modern day "knight" driving a "high-tech" car named KITT helping those in need. Although there were other reasons as well, it was greatly due to Hasselhoff's stunning features and brilliant acting that this show became an immediate success. I mean come on, who can say no to a German who can sing, act, and has abs of steel. I know I can't.In early 2002 it was said that the show would be making a comeback in movie form. It was to be created by Revolution Studios and to be re-designed in a similar fashion as Revolution's earlier project, XXX. Oh what a joy that would have been. In 2006 the Weinstein Company purchased the rights to Knight Rider. Hasselhoff apparently asked the always feminine Orlando Bloom to play the role of Knight's son, however Bloom turned down the offer. Bloom probably knew he'd never be able to fill the shoes of real man David Hasselhoff, on-screen or off, and felt he had no other choice than to say no.
In 2008, Knight Rider is set to make its way back on to television. With our good friend Matt behind the scenes helping out, what could go wrong. David Hasselhoff will be making cameos where he reprises his role of Michael Knight, but the protagonist will be Knight's son, to be played by Justin Bruening (good luck kid.) Hasselhoff is probably too busy with America's Got Talent to put his hole heart behind Knight Rider, which would obviously be needed to be as great as the old Michael Knight. Truthfully, I'll watch the episodes with Hoff in them and nothing else.
Something to note: The always glorious Val Kilmer will be the voice for KITT. Apparently his career has taken a turn for the worse, but we still love him. Go get 'em Val.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
A Home Full of Love
Apparently a single mother in Florida is trying to sell her home. No big news there. What makes this home so different is that it comes fully furnished with a loving woman. That's right, there is a package deal on the market for a nice Florida home and a nice Florida woman.
The 42-year old mother has been looking for love all of her life and just has not been able to find it. She has tried night clubs, dating websites, bowling alleys, x-rated movie theaters, and more, all with no results (I made some of those up). She has also been trying to sell her home for more than a year with no buyers. So, rather than struggle selling her house and finding love separately, she decided to sell them together.
If this isn't one of the saddest attempts at selling a home and finding a companion I don't know what is. The woman, a Ms. Deven Trabosh, says, "I'm struggling...I don't want to lose my house and I want to find somebody. So I came up with this dream plan because I've always dreamt about being a fairytale princess." I don't know if I should make fun of her or just feel sorry for her. If this transaction ever goes through boy would that be an awkward first date. Also, does she plan on just never moving out. In that case the poor sucker who buys the house is spending hundreds of thousands of dollars on a 42-year old single mother. I'm sure I could find plenty of places with a better deal than that.
In any case I sincerely wish this woman luck. If this is what your life has come to you probably deserve some good fortune. Hey, if I could sell my house for a lot of money and get to continue living in it I'd do it to.
The 42-year old mother has been looking for love all of her life and just has not been able to find it. She has tried night clubs, dating websites, bowling alleys, x-rated movie theaters, and more, all with no results (I made some of those up). She has also been trying to sell her home for more than a year with no buyers. So, rather than struggle selling her house and finding love separately, she decided to sell them together.
If this isn't one of the saddest attempts at selling a home and finding a companion I don't know what is. The woman, a Ms. Deven Trabosh, says, "I'm struggling...I don't want to lose my house and I want to find somebody. So I came up with this dream plan because I've always dreamt about being a fairytale princess." I don't know if I should make fun of her or just feel sorry for her. If this transaction ever goes through boy would that be an awkward first date. Also, does she plan on just never moving out. In that case the poor sucker who buys the house is spending hundreds of thousands of dollars on a 42-year old single mother. I'm sure I could find plenty of places with a better deal than that.
In any case I sincerely wish this woman luck. If this is what your life has come to you probably deserve some good fortune. Hey, if I could sell my house for a lot of money and get to continue living in it I'd do it to.
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