You've Done it Again Sylvester

(The soft core porn king himself.)


I wanted to take this time out to praise Sylvester Stallone and his ability to write somewhat decent scripts (which in and of itself is amazing since he seems partially mentally handicapped) and somehow assemble incredible casts for them. The latest and greatest example of this comes with his new movie The Expendables.


The movie is about a team of mercenaries who head to South America with the mission to overthrow the dictator of Corza (Made up country or not? I cerainly don't know). I don't want to give you too much of the plot because I don't want to blow your fucking mind with how good it is (it seems ok), but the cast is absolutely phenomenal. It is not certain who plays what character, but as of now the cast includes Stallone himself, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Forrest Whitaker, and Randy Couture. With the exception of Whitaker, that's like a who's who of terrible acting Hollywood badasses (Note: Whitaker was badass in Ghost Dog, but he's also the only one amongst them that can act). They are also trying to get Sandra "I'm super annoying" Bullock to join the cast, but hopefully that doesn't go through (hopefully Stallone and Bullock weren't as close as they looked in Demolition Man otherwise they may in fact get her to join.)

My hope is that midway through the movie there is some internal fighting within The Expendables and it becomes some sort of free-for-all blood bath amongst the members of the group. The only way that that could get any better would be if Governor Arnold, Wesley "Wesley don't pay no taxes" Snipes, and the Muscles from Brussells joined in on the fighting. Then this truly would be the greatest movie of all time.

Answer for Anonymous

Anonymous writes:

Todd, This is both an explanation and a question. It is widely thought that Michael Jordan was forced by the commish of the NBA to retire for a few years because he was caught gambling on the game. He didnt want to ban the greatest player of all time from basketball so he told him to lay low for a few years. Would this change your betrayed feeling or would it make it worse because he is also a degenerate gambler on top of a quitter.(For those of you who don't know, this question is in relation to my latest Todd's Stories, so you should probably go ahead and read that before you read this. Thanks.)

Well Anonymous, I don't give a rats ass about said gambling issues. A betrayal is a betrayal. Either he retired and betrayed me or he gambled and forced the commissioner to make him leave the league and betrayed me. What's he gambling for anyway? I'm pretty sure he had enough money and a pretty secure future to have no need to gamble (unless he was trying to recoup any losses which occurred because of the founding of Michael Jordan's Steakhouse. I don't know when that place opened but it sucks.) Unlike Charles Barkley, the idea of Michael Jordan gambling away millions of dollars does not entertain me and as such his little gambling stint was not necessary and ended in his betrayal of me.

Note: The fact that he is a degenerate gambler makes the betrayal no worse. He can gamble all he wants. Either way he stabbed me in the back, ripped out my heart, and then tried to hit it with a baseball bat and missed.

Todd's Stories #13

As a young boy I was a very passionate and loyal child, but if I felt that you had betrayed me it meant that you were dead to me, and there's no coming back from that.  Forgiveness was not an option for me.  One such example of this fire that I had and the subsequent consequences of my being betrayed is with my child hood hero, Michael Jordan.  During my childhood I followed sports quite frequently, and none more so than basketball.  I loved basketball.  I would spend hours outside of my house nearly every day shooting foul shots and trying to improve my game (that's why my shot is so dank still to this day.)  Like all children, I was a major front runner in sports (Don't lie, you know you were too.)  As such, my favorite basketball team was the Chicago Bulls and my favorite player was the best player on the best team, Michael Jordan.  Oh how I admired his royal airness.  That is of course, until he retired way before his time (I'm talking the first retirement and then going to play baseball.  Who does that shit?)  I felt betrayed that my favorite player of all time would retire well before he had left his prime.  He was on top of the game, but that wasn't good enough for him.  He had to try his hand at another sport, of which it turned out he sucked.  And so Michael Jordan was dead to me.  I got rid of his jersey.  I tore down the posters.  I crossed out his name in the about the author section of the childhood books I had authored which stated how Michael Jordan was my favorite player.  Even after he came out of retirement he meant nothing to me.  There was no going back to the glory days.  It was over.  I moved on from the Bulls and went straight to the Charlotte Hornets where I spent the rest of my youth admiring the likes of Alonzo Mourning, Larry Johnson, Tyrone Bogues, Dell Curry, and the rest of them who I can no longer remember.

The moral of the story is if you are ever thinking about betraying Todd Easton, just don't do it.

Answer for Anonymous

Anonymous writes:

Hey Todd,Who do you consider the top 5 women on the planet and why? Thanks.

Well Anonymous, this is quite a tricky question. There are plenty of women I could put on this list because there are plenty of all around solid women out there, so narrowing it down to just five is no easy task. In order to make my decisions easier I'm going to stick with currently living women (Martha Washington is a clear top five if we were talking dead women. She's quirky and really knows how to support her man. Harriet Tubman would also be noteworthy.) With that said, I'm going to give this list a good shot, but my decisions are subject to change if I think of someone new at a later date or if history proves these women not to be top five worthy. The following list is in no particular order.

The first top five women is my mother. Come on, what dumb ass wouldn't include Barbara Easton on their top five women list. If a normal person would include her on their top five list, surely her child would nominate her as top five. She buys me food and gives me advice on life, what else do I need to say.

The next top five women on my list is Mo' Nique. With a name like that it's hard to lose. And boy does she make me laugh. Laughter is the key to a man's heart, and Mo' Nique sure has unlocked my heart again and again.

The third top five women on my list is the Pinesol woman. She makes the house smell like lemons and is always cheerful while doing so. I don't think this choice needs much explanation. If the Pinesol woman isn't in your top five you can get the hell out of here.

The fourth top five women on my list is the lovely Giada De Laurentiis. To be honest, she's consistently really annoying, but she's hot, she can cook, and from the looks of this picture she can commit bloody murder with the best of them, and so she has the be put in the top five.

The final top five women on my list is Cynthia Rylant. You may not know who she is, but I sure as hell do. She's the author of the most glorious children books of all time, and more specificly the author of the Henry and Mudge series. Without her wonderful writing my life would simply not have been the same.

Honorable mentions go to Whoopi Goldberg, Gloria Estefan, Alicia Sylverstone, and Tatiana Ali

Where's My Pyramid?

(If a sculpture of my face were put where that pharaoh's face is, that would be great.  Thanks.)

Today, while being jobless and hobby-less and watching a show on ancient Egypt, it struck me, why don't I have a pyramid?  Ancient Egyptian pharaohs constructed great pyramids to show their power and wealth.  I, however, am not egotistical enough to force my peoples to construct me a pyramid.  I don't want to make a pyramid for myself.   I want you all to make me a pyramid out of your love for me.  I also figure that the day of the pyramid is soon to return and I'd like to stay ahead of the curve.  It's only a matter of time before powerful figureheads from all around the world start making themselves pyramids again, and I not only want to be the first to do it, but I want my followers to do it for me rather than being forced to.  

Whoever makes me a pyramid that emits the strongest feelings of greatness will be crowned the best fan of Todder's Playhouse and may even get a guest post on the Playhouse (if it's a good post.  No matter how good of a pyramid you make me I won't simply give you a free posting pass.  Getting a guest post isn't that easy.)  And remember, you won't be paid for this mission, but I will look kindly upon you for doing it.  So, good luck fans.  And remember, the quicker the better.

Todd's Dreams #3

I had this dream a few nights ago but didn't remember it until yesterday. Something must of jogged my memory but I'm not sure what. My dream was that my brother had the adult film "Nailin' Palin" on VHS, along with several other pieces of pornographic material, and I wanted to steal them. However, the fear of being caught was too great and so I left them where they were. This was a very short and quite pathetic of a dream, but due to the humor in it I simply had to write a post about it.

Todd's Stories #12

Religion can be a confusing topic for children. Heck, it's a confusing topic to most adults. The whole idea of a greater being and having faith in a god is a very tricky topic, especially to young children. So imagine my confusion when I found out that I was half Christian and half Jewish (I know I'm not really Jewish at all since my mom isn't Jewish, but you can't expect a child to understand why Jews are so picky about who gets accepted into their exclusive club.)

Anywho, this Todd's Story isn't about my inability to grasp the meaning of religion at a young age, but rather it's about my inability to remember the names of the two religions I was a part of. I'm going to give the ballpark age of 6 for this incident because that's a pretty safe number, but to be honest I don't really remember when this occurred and it could have taken place anywhere between ages 6-12. I had just learned of my religions and I had simultaneously heard my older brother and sister talking about gay people (I don't know why they were talking about this subject. To be honest my brother was actually probably just calling me gay, but that's a topic for another, much longer post.) So, when my parents asked me what religion I was while riding in the car one day, I replied that I was half Jew and half gay (a religion where I get to hang out with all guys. I'm in!) My entire family erupted in laugther and my brother still to this day makes fun of me for it.

The moral of the story is homosexuality has yet to be accepted as a religion.

Knight Rider, You Shall be Missed?

(How could you possiby expect to replace this guy?)







I was recently requested to give a eulogy of sorts for the show Knight Rider, which, after a horrendous first season, has been cancelled. Out of respect for the requester I will touch upon the subject, however I can't possibly do it in the fashion which he would like. I can't bring myself to pretend like I will mourn the loss of Knight Rider, nor can I act like I am suprised. To remake a show that starred David Hasselhoff and to ask some mere mortal to try and fill in the enormous shoes left behind by the Hoff is simply asking the impossible. It's like trying to remake Baywatch. Sure it would succeed because of all the bouncing boobies, but without the aura and glow of the Hoff it just wouldn't be the same. And that is the fate of Knight Rider. Althought it was a somewhat valiant effort at a remake, it simply could not be done. So I bid thee a not-so-fond fairwell Knight Rider 2008. I never watched a single one of your episodes, and I never will.

What Sport Should Your Child Play?

I recognize that most of my readers are yet to have children, but this is still an interesting topic I would like to discuss. It turns out that through the use DNA analysis, doctors are beginning to be able to tell which sports children are better suited for. For instance, through the testing of genes it can be determined if a child would be better at speed and strength sports, endurance sports, or some sort of combination. Due to my impeccable physical condition, I believe I myself would have been a high combination of both. (I had written other stuff here but decided it wasn't funny or informative enough and did not meet the standards of Todder's Playhouse. I just thought I should let you know. Sorry for the interruption.)

I can only wish that these discoveries had been found when I was merely an infant. If my parents had known that I had such a natural ability to play table tennis and had started me on a training regiment earlier on in my life, I may now be competing with the Wang Liqin's of the world. Screw playing for fun. I want to know what I am best at so I can beat as many other people as possible at it. That's all there is to it.