Gary Busey on Business

Well, Gary Busey strikes again.  I don't know if anyone out there has seen this yet, but I hope you appreciate it. Gary gives some wonderful advice on entrepreneurial-ship and has some fabulous ideas.

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I for one have no idea why the company who made this, gotvmail, wanted Gary Busey to be be their spokesperson. I think Busey is hilarious, but I could never take anything he says seriously, especially anything business related. I don't know if they thought that Busey had enough star power to carry their idea, which he doesn't, or if they thought that his humor would make prospective clients want to join, which it won't, but either way this is a strange pick. Busey is like a cult classic movie, loved by few, not really known my many. I don't think the people like myself who truly appreciate Busey's nuttiness are the type of people that this company is trying to draw in. Most of us are deadbeats not really looking to do any type of business. Maybe I'm wrong about this, but not likely.

P.S. I really miss I'm With Busey.

Answer for Matt

Matt asks:

what's your favorite number?

This is one of the harder questions I've been asked to answer, but I shall do my darndest. The way I will be answering is with a list of numbers that are in contention, and an answer in the end. Here we go.

The first number in the running is the number 7. Everyone loves the number 7. It seems to be a lot of people's favorites, which also detracts from it. Growing up, I usually wanted my jersey number to be number 7, and although I cannot remember what number I actually was, I do remember always longing for the number 7. Whether it was my actual number or not makes no difference because in this case it's the thought that counts.

The next number in the running is the number 9. Being six years younger than my older brother I always looked up to him. He was a legendary pitcher in little league and will always be remembered at Byram Hills for his incredible skills on the mound. During his years on the baseball circuit, his number was always number 9. As such, along with the number 7, I always wanted my jersey number to be 9 as well. I no longer look up to my brother as much as I once did, but I am still partially drawn to the number 9.

The next number in the running is the number 42. According to the author Douglas Adams, the number 42 is the answer to life, the universe, and everything, and as such it is hard for me to turn down. Plus, as can be seen on my rap name poll, 42 is a possible choice for my rap name. That's because I, like the number 42, am the answer to everything. Also, my initials (TEE) are right smack dab in the middle of the number 42 and so it is hard for me to resist.

The next number in the running is the number 33. As a child my favorite basketball player was Alonzo Morning, and so obviously I liked the number. Other noteworthy players to don the number 33 include, Scottie Pippen, Patrick Ewing, Magic Johnson, Larry Bird, Starbury, Grant Hill, as well as other greats. With those names behind the number it is hard to refuse.

In the end, my favorite number is 794,233. With all those numbers together, I can't go wrong.

Proof Dinosaurs Really Did Once Exist

Just when you thought you've seen it all, scientists unearthed this:

If you can't tell, this is the skeletal structure of the Tarbosaurus, a relative to the T-Rex. Although they were once thought to be nothing more than a child's story, the likelihood that dinosaurs actually existed is increasing everyday. Although these fossils could obviously have been planted in the groud as some sort of hoax by a group of young hooligans, they are just another piece in the puzzle that is the existence of dinosaurs.

I myself once believed that dinosaurs were merely mythical creatures, like the unicorn and the duck-billed platypus, but everyday more evidence seens to come along to show us that they were real. But who were these dinosaurs and what did they want with us? Also, where did they all go? Those are the missing pieces of the dinosaur puzzle I just can't figure out.

And now, a word from our sponsors.

Rome Yells, "Stay Away Litter Bugs"

For all those visiting Rome this summer, be careful where you eat your delightful gelatos and sip on your savory cappuchinos. As of July 10th, you could be fined up to $80 for snacking near the sites of Rome's historical center. As if being fined for littering weren't bad enough, now you could be banned for indulging in some of Rome's tasty treats in the wrong locations as well.

This is an unprecedented attack on American tourists. Don't the Italians know that Americans can't help but snack. All day it's snack snack snack snack snack. And now you're trying to tell us to not snack near monuments and sites centuries old and older than the United States itself. Well, I say shame on you Italy. Maybe if you didn't make such delicious and portable treats visitors wouldn't be so tempted to carry them around. Not to mention that nearly all of Rome is historical so where are we supposed to snack. In a restaurant? Get real. I don't know if this is a slite jab at our obesity "epidemic", or simply a way of pointing out that you have historical monuments worth preserving while America doesn't really, but either way this cut burns. No really. All that walking without being able to snack burns. But it's kind of like a good burn, you know?

The ordinance also prevenst bums from making "make-shift beds" (what the hell does that mean), and it cracks down on drunks as well as, littering, and loitering at night in central areas. I guess all those things are ok. I just want to snack.

WIll the Real Batman Please Stand Up

With the new batman movie The Dark Knight setting all sorts of records, including the best opening weekend ever, I though I'd give you a little taste of the best batman movie of all time, the one that set the stage for both Christopher Nolan's Batman Begins and The Dark Knight, Batman and Robin.  Enjoy this clip of some of the better scenes of the movie.

If that's not some of the finest cinematography I've ever seen, I don't know what it is.  And the quick wit and sharp tongue of all characters adds an aspect to batman never seen in the previous movies.  All actors do a great job with playing their characters and really bringing them to life and set the bar extremely high for all future batman movies.  With out this classic batman movie we would never have been able to appreciate The Dark Knight nearly as much as we do.  

Mushrooms

After hearing my mom tell a story about how a lady recently ate a bunch of mushrooms on the side of the road and died I decided to give a little shout out to the mushroom. I think the mushroom is the most mysterious and versatile of all vegetables (or whatever they are).

Mushrooms can be used in nearly every situation. If you want to kill yourself you can eat the common mushroom found on the side of the road(as examplified above). If you're in the middle of the forest and you want to play a mean set on the drums, you can play one on those pad like mushroms on the side of trees. If you want to see stationary objects move and cry at the site of the sunset, you can eat magical mushrooms. If you want an overly priced funghi you can eat a truffle. If you want to get bigger you can eat a red mushroom. If you want an extra life you can eat a green mushroom. If you want to make a delicous stirfy you can throw in some white capped mushrooms to up the taste a bit. You can stuff mushrooms. You can bake mushrooms. You can grill mushrooms. You can trip on mushrooms. Yes, you can do just about anything with mushrooms. So cudose to you mushroom, you in all your glorious forms.

Keanu Reeves Is: Plastic Man

In what promises to be the funniest thing ever produced, Keanu Reeves has been cast to play Eels O'Brien, otherwise known as Plastic Man, in the Wachowski's Plastic Man. Everyone knows the Wachowski brothers and Keanu are a team that can't miss, and Plastic Man is gauranteed to prove that once again. If you thought you saw energy and adventure in the Matrix movies, wait until you see Plastic Man "stretch" into action.


(This is the legit intro)

Now if that doesn't seem like a comic book adventure that should be turned into a movie starring Keanu Reeves, I don't know what is. This is the role Keanu was born to play. He seems so out of his element in all of his movies, this is sure to be no exception. I can see the look on his face now the first time he learns his body can stretch. It will be a look of bewilderment, such as the look that is always on his face and can be seen in every movie he's in (i.e. when Rufus shows up in the phone booth in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, when he finds out the bus can't go under 60 mph in Speed, when he finds out he has to coach a group of underpriveledged children in Hard Ball, when he learns his new friend Patrick Swayze is the bank robber in Point Break, and when he gets a package and it's a phone and then the phone rings and it's Morpheus in The Matrix), and will be followed by the quote, "Wow, I can, like, stretch." After that point the story pretty much writes itself. Whether this is to be a comedy or an action movie it will make no difference, because this movie is going to be fucking hilarious either way.

Todd's Stories #8

When you were younger, do you remember going out with your family and friends on a camping trip? Do you remember how much fun it was to go kayaking and canoing and sleeping in a tent? Well I sure do. It was always a blast to go camping in the wilderness and enjoying the fresh air and good company. I would sleep like a baby in those tents, breathing in the crisp, clean air and listening to the water in the brooke flow near by. That is, I slept like a baby every night except the worst night of my life.

I had been on camping trips before so I had already popped my camping cherry. I was by no means an expert, but I knew how to get around in the great outdoors and was not afraid to get a little dirty. I had gone camping on several previous camping trips with my good friends the Princes', but we had always gotten nothing but blue skies and great weather. Well, that was not to be so on this trip, and I would pay the ultimate price.

On the previous trips I had brought a little inflattable mattress to put my sleeping bag on top of. By no means was it the most comfortable mattress out there, but it got the job done. This trip however I thought that I would try something new. From the years my sister had gone to sleep away camp she had a couple of little cotton mattress that provided the comfort and cushion that I oh so desired. I decided to bring one of those cotton mattresses instead, and it's a decision I have regreted ever since.

The first night everything went smoothly. The cotton mattress worked to perfection and I was as comfortable as a fat little boy could be. The second night, however, was a completely different story. Apparently during that night it rained quite a bit. Under normal circumstances, that would have been no big deal. However, I had brought along a cotton mattress. As we all know cotton has a nasty little habit of absorbing water. Well, I found that out the cold and wet way. I woke up in the middle of the night to a mattress soaking wet and freezing cold. At first I thought I had peed my pants because I couldn't for the life of me figure out why all my stuff was wet. It wouldn't be until much later on that I would discover it was simply rain water, but either way I was cold and extremely uncomfortable (in retrospect I may have preferred pee because at least that would have been warm for a while.)

Not wanting to disturb anyone else, I simply just laid there, shivering and wide awake in my giant puddle of a mattress. It wouldn't until be hours later until the sun finally rose and I felt a tiny bit of warmth. I immediately got out of the tent, and although I was still very cold, anything was better than that pneumonia trap of a cotton mattress. When the parents finally awoke and started making a fire I could not have been more relieved, finally able to feel my hands as they roasted over the hot flame. The next night I just slept on the ground in my sleeping bag, but anything was better than that giant sponge I had previously called a mattress.

The moral of the story is sleeping in freezing cold water sucks and don't bring a cotton mattress on a camping trip.

Corey Haim Back on the Nose Candy

We all know that I love Corey Feldman and Corey Haim, as well as their television show The Two Coreys.  We also all know how I feel about the upcoming sequel to The Lost Boys (it's going to be awful).  Well, when you put the two together I figure something special has to happen.  At the very least watching the two Coreys filming such a cheesy movie has to be entertaining.  And what could go wrong?  Well, watch the following clip to find out.

It turns out a lot could go wrong.  If you were listening to the end their you can hear a little snorting noise.  If that's not one of the more awkward things to hear and watch on television I don't know what is.  Poor ol' Corey Haim is back on that powder, while poor ol' Corey Feldman has to deal with that cry baby.  Neither is in a very good position.  In the defense of Haim he just really wants to get into his character, and if his character is a crack dealer, than he's doing a really good job getting into character.  Why they are still "friends" I'm not quite sure, but it seems as though Feldman got the short end of the stick on that friendship.  And Haim is yet another example of a child star gone wrong and then getting better and then going wrong again.  Typical Hollywood.  Oh well, I still love you Corey (insert either last name).

Answer for Drunk Clam

Drunk Clam writes:

I have recently heard that women in South Korea and Italy are having hair transplanted to their nether regions. It is a sign of fertility. Do you think this trend will catch on in the US? Will we be seeing more hair down there in the future? How do you think I can find one of these fertile women?

To be honest Drunk Clam, I hadn't heard of such a thing until you pointed it out. Personally, it kind of sickens me. Hair plugs look gross enough when they are on a fat old man's head, never mind when they are right above a woman's vagina. However, seeing as I am not from South Korea, I cannot really judge the situation. I am personally a man who doesn't want to see any signs of a rain forest down there, but that's because I'm a westerner. I assume if I was a Korean man I would feel much differently.

My other feelings on the situation are that if I believed a big bush is a sign of fertility and I got with a women because she had a rather large one, I would feel quite betrayed if it turned out she had a fake bush and she couldn't bear children. It would be like going out with Ricky Martin because you thought he had a big dick but then found out he had been stuffing his pants with socks all along. I also find it kind of nasty that these transplants take place using the hair on the woman's head. I guess it's better than another person's hair or animal hair, but it's still gross. But again, I'm not Sout Korean so I it's hard for me to judge.

I do not think this trend will catch on the U.S. Seeing as how I have never heard of pubic hair being a sign of fertility I do not think we will have the same issue. Plus, we here in the U.S. like our women smooth and clean, and a big bush just won't "cut it." But who knows, maybe one day all women will have hairy bushes. However, that day is not today.

As far as finding these fertile women goes, I think it is probably pretty difficult. You'd have to assume that they'd be pretty wealthy seeing as how the operation costs upwards of $2000. Also, if they are wearing underwear or a bathing suit and there is a big bulge right above the vagina, you can probably assume they have a big bush, whether it be a transplant or not. Other than that, I am sure these fertile women blend in with the rest of society, living amongst us, a band of bush transplanted women claiming to be fertile. Oh the humanity.

For Once, Utah's Got it Right

These days Americans are known for their grueling work hours. The days of the 9-5 job seem to be left behind for 50-60 hour work weeks. Some workers are even lucky to only have to work Monday through Friday. Well Utah, in an unprecedented move, said fuck that. This summer Utah will be the first state to institute a mandatory four-day work week. As if there weren't already enough reasons to move to Utah (none that I can think of), now there's one more.

The switch to the four-day work week is an effort to reduce the state's carbon footprint, increase energy efficieny, improve customer service (it's just awful in Utah), and provide worker's more flexibility. However, offices must remain open longer Monday-Thursday to make up for the lost hours on Fridays.

Governor Jon (where's the h?) Huntsman, the man implementing the four-day work week, says that it will not only help Utah reach its' goal of reducing energy use 20% by 2015, but it will also lure in more young workers. No offense Jon, but I think Utah is going to need more than just four-day work weeks to lure anyone in. Maybe if you got rid of some of the Mormons and threw in some cities and casinos then you might get some new customers. Then again, Utah is a beautiful state, and perhaps it could be a nice place to start a new life (especially if you want to become a hick (no offense to hicks)).

Answer for One of the Bens

One of the Bens writes:

The Bearded Bod,How should one tip. Is it really ever acceptable to not leave anyting?

Well one of the Bens, I personally like to leave a gentlemanly 20% (we'll be discussing restaurants only. I don't have the kind of time it would take to discuss all types of tipping. Plus, I think I have in a past post). If the service is good the waiter deserves it (plus it makes you seem like the man). Come on, this is how they make there living. However, 20% is not always the way to go.

If the bill is really low then I sometimes find it a good idea to leave more than 20%. For example, lets say the bill comes to $16 and all you have is a $20 bill, don't be a deuche, just leave the $20. It'll make you seem like a good guy and who knows, next time you return perhaps the waiter will remember you as that cool kid who tipped a lot and give you extra special care.

So far we have only touched upon good service. Now let's get to the ugly stuff: bad service.

If the service is sub-par then feel free to go as low as 10% depending on how bad it is. It is my belief that all restaurants should have little scales placed on all the tables. The scale starts at 25% for the best service you've ever received and ends with 5% for the worst service ever. After each mistake made my the waiter or waitress you dock them a percentage point. That way there are no suprises at the end and everyone knows what's going down. Of course this is a completely objective scale, but that's the nature of the beast that is tipping anyway.

Truthfully, I don't know if it is ever acceptable to just leave nothing. I have never come across a situation where 0% was necessary. However, since that is a boring answer I will give some hypothetical situations for no tipping which I have never personally come across. For instance, if you had allergies and informed the waiter or waitress of these allergies and they gave you something with ingredients you were allergic to and you died, I would think that not only should there be no tip whoever you were with probably shouldn't even pay the bill. Or if you order soup and there's a used condom in it you probably shouldn't leave a tip. Or if you go to the Outback Steakhouse and the waiter or waitress doesn't have rolled up sleeves and doesn't sit next to you to take your order, don't leave a tip. However, these are all extremely rare events which I have never personally witnessed. If anyone out there has other examples of when not to tip, feel free to share.

Answer for Matt

Welcome back questioners. Matt writes:

Write something about knight rider

Although this is obviously not a question, I'm not one to not indulge my readers, so here we go.

Knight Rider was an American television series shown on NBC from the years 1982-1986. It starred the always studdily David Hasselhoff as Michael Knight, a modern day "knight" driving a "high-tech" car named KITT helping those in need. Although there were other reasons as well, it was greatly due to Hasselhoff's stunning features and brilliant acting that this show became an immediate success. I mean come on, who can say no to a German who can sing, act, and has abs of steel. I know I can't.

In early 2002 it was said that the show would be making a comeback in movie form. It was to be created by Revolution Studios and to be re-designed in a similar fashion as Revolution's earlier project, XXX. Oh what a joy that would have been. In 2006 the Weinstein Company purchased the rights to Knight Rider. Hasselhoff apparently asked the always feminine Orlando Bloom to play the role of Knight's son, however Bloom turned down the offer. Bloom probably knew he'd never be able to fill the shoes of real man David Hasselhoff, on-screen or off, and felt he had no other choice than to say no.

In 2008, Knight Rider is set to make its way back on to television. With our good friend Matt behind the scenes helping out, what could go wrong. David Hasselhoff will be making cameos where he reprises his role of Michael Knight, but the protagonist will be Knight's son, to be played by Justin Bruening (good luck kid.) Hasselhoff is probably too busy with America's Got Talent to put his hole heart behind Knight Rider, which would obviously be needed to be as great as the old Michael Knight. Truthfully, I'll watch the episodes with Hoff in them and nothing else.

Something to note: The always glorious Val Kilmer will be the voice for KITT. Apparently his career has taken a turn for the worse, but we still love him. Go get 'em Val.

A Home Full of Love

Apparently a single mother in Florida is trying to sell her home. No big news there. What makes this home so different is that it comes fully furnished with a loving woman. That's right, there is a package deal on the market for a nice Florida home and a nice Florida woman.

The 42-year old mother has been looking for love all of her life and just has not been able to find it. She has tried night clubs, dating websites, bowling alleys, x-rated movie theaters, and more, all with no results (I made some of those up). She has also been trying to sell her home for more than a year with no buyers. So, rather than struggle selling her house and finding love separately, she decided to sell them together.

If this isn't one of the saddest attempts at selling a home and finding a companion I don't know what is. The woman, a Ms. Deven Trabosh, says, "I'm struggling...I don't want to lose my house and I want to find somebody. So I came up with this dream plan because I've always dreamt about being a fairytale princess." I don't know if I should make fun of her or just feel sorry for her. If this transaction ever goes through boy would that be an awkward first date. Also, does she plan on just never moving out. In that case the poor sucker who buys the house is spending hundreds of thousands of dollars on a 42-year old single mother. I'm sure I could find plenty of places with a better deal than that.

In any case I sincerely wish this woman luck. If this is what your life has come to you probably deserve some good fortune. Hey, if I could sell my house for a lot of money and get to continue living in it I'd do it to.