Answer for Jimmy Crack Corn

Jimmy Crack Corn writes:

Bodd,
Let's play F***, Marry, Kill? You have Oprah, Rosanne and Whoopi. Please answer and explain why. Thanks.

First off, that's really gross. The idea of fornicating with any of those three ladies nauseates me (no offense to any of you if you read my blog), but I don't have a choice but to answer, so I'll do my best. Also, nice use of the question mark at an inappropriate location in order to make what would have otherwise been a statement into a question. I could just answer let's not, but that wouldn't be very nice of me so I'll give you the real deal. And I won't be using the word fuck because that makes what is already horrifying seem that much worse, at least to me.

Originally I was thinking Oprah to marry because she could be my suga-mama and I'd never have to worry about money a day in my life again, but then I realized they all have enough money to make me as happy as I could be being with a person I am the opposite of attracted to. This then switched my thought process to the least appealing part of the question, the sex part. Although I'd prefer to not do that with any of these ladies, Oprah is the only one that is mildly attractive. In her skinnier days it would be a no brainer, but even with a little extra cushion she has to be the choice for sex.

That leaves me with marrying and killing. I think the answer is quite obvious. I would kill myself before I married Roseanne and listened to that shrieking voice all day, and since I don't want to kill myself, I would kill her. That leaves Whoopi, who is after all the funniest and most entertaining of the group, to marry. What originally seemed like a very painful question turned out to be not that bad, so long as I don't have to go through with it.