Answer for anonymous

Anonymous writes:

todder, HOW (not why) do cat's claws retract? I've been surfing the net and haven't found a satisfying answer. I figured since you have a beard you might know. so lets hear it. thanks for your time.

Well, there are many medical reasons out there. If you ask your local veterinarian about it I'm sure you'd get some medical mumbo jumbo about how cats use sensors and nerve endings to tell their claws to retract and what not. I don't like that stuff and so I'm going to give you a better example.

Cats claws are the just like Wolverine's claws in X-Men. When that cat gets mad or feels threatened he/she just pushes those puppies right through. It hurts like hell every time, but who wants to fuck with claws? It's a burden your cat must carry with him/her, but that's just the way the world works.

If you want a better answer, just see the picture below.




(That's actually how it works. Who would have thought? I hope this answers your question.)





P.S.
My beard has no effect on my knowledge of the how cat's claws work.

Divorce Court Starring Gary Coleman

I've never watched Divorce Court before, nor had I ever planned on doing so. However, with the recent news of the divorce of Gary Coleman and Shannon Price, that might all be changing. Apparently the two are taking their marriage woes to the Divorce Court, where they will be discussing such things as Coleman's anger and intimacy issues.

First off, if these two didn't see this coming they might the most naive couple of all time. Coleman is a 4o year old midget who still looks like a little boy. Shannon Price is a 22 year old, pretty unattractive, normal sized woman. What either saw in the other I am not quite sure. They were doomed from the beginning.



(Not exactly a match made in heaven.)







There is one quote from Price I would like to discuss.

"If he doesn't get his way, he throws a temper tantrum like a five-year-old does. He like stomps the floor and yells, 'Meehhhh,' and starts throwing stuff around. He bashes his head in the wall, too."

What'chu talkin' 'bout, Price? I don't know how you didn't notice these things before the marriage, but that's not the point. Of course he acts like a five-year-old, he was a child-actor who played the role of a much younger child, and he still looks five-years old. Besides the wrinkles, you would have no idea he wasn't a child. Come on Price, you have to see these things coming.

Although no divorce is happy, I am sure there are many Coleman fans ready to see the rise of Gary Coleman on Divorce Court. There's no doubt he will be a witty, entertaining, divorcee, and that's why we love him.

Universal Soldier: Back to the Basics

It turns out that a new Universal Soldier is going to be made and it may include the golden boys Jean-Claude van Damme and Dolph Lundren back together again.





(These two are army made killing machines. Look at those high-tec cameras they're wearing. You know they mean business.)









For those of you who don't know, van Damme and Lundren became enemies in the first Universal Soldier. Van Damme was the lady in distress saving good guy and Lundren was the rogue soldier who wanted to complete his mission at all costs. Van Damme ends up supposedly killing Lundren at the end. The second Universal Soldier also starred van Damme but Lundren did not return. Since that time there have been direct to tv sequels starring neither of these well built killing machines.

It's obvious that van Damme is making a resurgence in Hollywood and in the land of ass-kicking. If these two five star actors return together again it's a hit that can't miss.

Answer for yet another anonymous

Anonymous writes:

Is it true people grow beards to prove they are manly when they have small penis?

First of all, if you are going to make a direct shot at beard growers (probably because you can't grow one yourself) you might as well come out and announce who you are. You can't go and make a low-blow at those with facial hair without admitting who you are.

To get to your question, there have actually been many studies done by famous researchers such as Bandera and Laslow which show quite the opposite. Their is a direct correlation between the length of your beard and your beard growing capabilities to the amount of testosterone your body makes. As such, the higher testosterone you have the faster your beard grows. Coincidentally, high levels of testosterone also leads to larger penises. Although there are exceptions (myself not being one of them) in general the longer the beard the longer the shaft.

From now on, let's try and leave the childish questions behind ok. This is a place of education, not a place of beard blasphemy, so get something real next time.

Answer for Looking for Love

Looking for Love writes:

Dear the BOD

I have a dilema

I recently graduated college and got a new job. Congradulations to me right? WRONG no. Unfortunately and unlike you I can't grow a beard. All the people that work with me have some sort of facial hair, whether it is a superb and neatly trimmed handle bar mustache or a sloppy full grown beard that has nacho chips and dried saliva still attached to it. Do you understand my problem, what am i supposed to do. I have suspicions that they talk about me at work behind my back and make fun of my lack of hair growing ability.

My first option was to look on the internet for help. At first i noticed that there are options to have facial hair surgicly implanted but it seems too dangerous for me. Did you have this done? Second I can order hair from india where people grow hair even pubic! and you can buy it by the pound. How much would you recommend i buy? do you think 1 pound would be enough?

Also any other tips you have for supreme facial hair growing would be much appreciated.

My mother was born in england and my father was born in africa but is white if that helps explain why I have failure.

First off, I'm sorry to hear of your dilemma. You no doubt know of my astonishing beard growing abilities so I can't really relate to your problems. However, I will still try and help you get to the best possible option.

I think that if your co-workers can't accept you as you are then you might be in the wrong place. They should be able to look past your non-existent abilities to grow facial hair to who you really are. It's not your fault that you were born as a less of a man than everyone else.

If you feel you have to fit in, my first suggestion is to join in on the jokes. If you hear people talking about your lack of facial hair, embrace your flaw and join in on the jokes. They'll see that you can take a joke and that you don't take yourself too seriously. Say something like, "yeah I'm inept at growing facial hair, but you should see me in bed. ha ha ha." By joining in on the jokes you will become one of the guys and be much less uneasy at work. It's also much less drastic and dangerous than your other options.

If facial hair is your only option, surgery is definitely a possibility (although I have not had it done and am insulted to even be asked). It's just like hair plugs for your face. You just better find someone good because you don't want word to get out that you have face plugs like that. Everyone will immediately lose respect for you.

Another possible option is Rogaine or other hair growing products. Lather your face up with that stuff every night and you should be good to go. It will be more natural and make you feel like more of a man.

I do not recommend getting hair shipped to you. I don't know what you'd do with that hair anyway, but regardless it would probably be gross. You'd have to glue it on or something and I can't imagine that seeming very real. Besides, you won't know whose hair it is. This is facial hair we're talking about, and to have a beard is a great honor, and you don't want to betray that honor with gross hair glued on your face from someone you don't even know.

I hope this helps. I just think you should remember to be yourself and not give in to peer pressure so easily. Be true to yourself and everything else will fall into place.

Attack of Animals: Again!

(He looks cute, right? Wrong. Dead wrong.)

You may know this bear from the recent Will Ferrell movie, "Semi-Pro."  Oh he may look like a cute, cuddly bear, but he is no such thing.  This is a ferocious man-eater who recently attacked and killed his trainer.  This goes along with past posts of attacking animals.  First it was sea creatures, then Ligers grew in numbers and size, and now Hollywood animals are attacking. These Hollywood trained animals are using their learned capabilities of playing instruments and balancing on rainbow colored balls to attack like never before.  After years of attentive care and bonding with his trainer, Rocky finally cracked and attacked and killed his trainer.  Animals everywhere are attacking humans, the only question is who will be the next victim.

In defense of Rocky, why do these people continuously try to tame giant animals with razor sharp claws and teeth.  Who grows up wanting to train bears and tigers to do summersaults and other dumb shit like that.  I mean, I'd love to have a pet tiger or alligator or some other exotic creature, but I didn't grow up dreaming of training them.   You think after Sigfried or whichever one of those white tiger loving freaks was attacked other trainers would have learned their lesson.  But nooooo. They had to keep on pushing those poor animals to the brink of attack.  Well, this trainer learned his lesson, the hard way - death.  

Breaking 200

Everyone knows that bowling is an important part of my past, and is partially responsible for who I am today.  Growing up, bowling was an extremely important part of my childhood.  Every Friday of mine was spent at Armonk Bowl with my friends just laughing and having a good time.  Ever since Armonk Bowl closed it feels like part of my soul has been stolen, but I still dabble in bowling when ever the opportunity arises.

I have always prided myself on being a pretty strong bowler.  Don't get me wrong, I'm no pro.  However, mid-100's are a norm for me, and I think that's pretty good for an amateur bowler.  However, I've always been held down by the fact that I have no curve on my ball, and as such have yet to been able to crack the 200's.  That is, until last night, when the star's aligned for me at Wynnewood Lanes.  

After three warm-up games (they were regular games which I didn't do too well in) I decided to get serious.  I was all loosened up from the practice and a couple of beers (sooo college).  I had recently changed balls and it seemed like I had a picked a good one.  When it was my turn I stepped up, did my thing, and bowled a strike.  No big deal.  Next time around the same thing happened.  And the next.  And the next.  And the next.  That had gotten me my first five bagger in history.  For those of you who don't know, in layman's terms that's five strikes in a row.  Everyone was screaming my name (especially Rob).  All around me the words "the Bod, the Bod" echoed through the lanes.  I heard none of it though.  I was in the zone.  I was on my way to a perfect game.

Things looked good, but perfection was not to occur on this night.  In the sixth frame I bowled a nine, but picked it up and got a spare.  I was a nervous-nelly, scared to mess up, but I kept my composure the best I could.  I dropped off a little bit in the second half, but still had a spare or a strike all the way into the tenth frame.  I screwed up in the tenth frame, but still came away with a 212: The highest score of the night.

This was a magical night for me.  I've always felt I have been weighed down by the fact that I had never broke 200, but no more.  I am now in the 200 club, and I am proud to be there.  The 212 is one of the greatest accomplishments of my life, and one that I will never forget.

Answer for Weave

Weave is yet again a ground breaker in the Ask Todd category. First, he pretty much came up with the concept and had the first question. Now he is the first person to ask Todd a question via Facebook. Weave writes:

Todd,

When you litter, do you crumple the trash and pretend to drop it in the hand to pocket exchange, or do you unashamedly toss it in an open space?

Thanks,
Weave (or put anonymous if you don't want it to look like I've asked stuff before)

I think this question depends on who you are. If you are one of those extremely common frauds who pretend to care about the environment, I would suggest pretending to not know you dropped it. Not only is the hand to pocket exchange a strong option, but you can also "accidentally" pull the trash out of your pocket while pulling your hand out of your pocket.

If you are a bad-ass and want to be known as one, you should probably unashamedly toss it in an open space. You don't want anyone to think you are some sort of pussy who cares about the environment. Everyone knows bad-asses don't care about the environment, and as such you don't want anyone to mistakingly think your dropping of the garbage was an accident. Make it pronounced as you can. If there is a recycling can and you have a recyclable, either throw it into the regular garbage or just shoot, miss, and walk on. Even better, just throw your garbage in someone's face. Your risking getting into a fight, but then again, you are a bad-ass and so that should be no problem.

I hope this answer helps. Just remember, always be who you are. If you want people to think you care about the environment, act like you have no idea you just littered. If you want people to think you are a bad-ass, then stuff that garbage down some nerds face. You of course also have the option of actually throwing out the garbage. This saves you the hassle of having to hear from some hippie about how you are ruining the environment. Whatever you do, stay true to your self, and stay true to mother earth.

Todder's Playhouse Slogan

As you may have seen in an earlier post, one of the Ben's had a great suggestion to have a competition of cool slogans. I am now implementing that idea. In case you missed it, here is what he said:

At the very least you could have a competition about thinking of a cool
slogan for the site and/or the future t-shirts. Some brief suggestions...
"Todder's advice...unshaved"
"Todder's Playhouse, no Bics allowed"
"Educating you one handle bar mustache at a time"
"A place to pick out your belly button lint"

The competition will begin now and last a week. The top five slogans I think are the best will be put into a poll which everyone can then vote on. The winning slogan will then go on the top of the page where it can be seen by all who visit the playhouse. Credit will also be given to the writer. Although I'd love to take the credit for my own, that just wouldn't be nice. So get brainstorming fans. If you think of the winning slogan you can become a big part of Todder's Playhouse, and as such a big part of history.

Beards Etc

If you want to see possibly the greatest and most informative beard website of all time head on over to:

http://www.comportal.villanova.edu/multimedia/todde/beardsetc.html

Being a man of great beard growing ability I took my dedication to facial hair to an entirely new level with this website. I'd love to tell you more about my beard growing ability right now but you can read more about it at the website. I don't want to give too much away now, but it might be the most bangarang website of all time. I may make a few slight tweeks in the days to come, but it is pretty much completed.

Believe me, you will not be disappointed.

Answer for Anonymous

Anonymous writes:

When you go to sleep at night do you dream of a forest of beards? If you do, is one of the beards yours?

Well anonymous, this is a pretty personal question. I generally like to stay away from personal stuff here on Todder's Playhouse unless it is a Todd's Story, but since you asked I guess I must oblige.

I have always wanted to be destined for something. I have always wanted to be the hero that legends are made of. The hero where books are written about how he is to come and save the day. Sadly, I have yet to see that book written about me.

You may be wondering what this has to do with my dreams. Well, I like to think that all those heroes which I yearn to be had dreams of their greatness and the things to come. Since they were destined to be great they dreamt of the day where this would come true. I am starting the realize that this is similar to me.

Although I may not be destined to save the world or anything like that, I am obviously destined to grow great beards. I was born with the inate ability to grow a beard at near record pace. I know now that although I was not born to save the day, I was born to grow one heck of a beard. As such, I do dream of beards, because it is my destiny to keep growing them.

In the forest of beards of which you speak, one beard stands out above all of the rest, and that is my own, and it is glorious.

Answer for Pontious

Pontious writes:

My fake cat Charles died the other day...he was runover by a lawnmower and his body parts were thrown all over the lawn...now everytime I see a cat I either a.) puke b.) cry or c.)both...my question is: what should I do...

Well Pontious, the first thing I don't understand is if your cat is fake how it has body parts that can fly all around. Maybe I'm just not seeing eye to eye with you, but most imaginary creatures don't have limbs that fly around. That's because, since they are imaginary, they usually cannot be hurt. Also, if it's fake, how did it get run over. It seems to me most made-characters can simply float right through objects such as lawnmowers. The numbers just don't add up.

With all of that being said, I think you just didn't want to deal with your fake cat anymore. It was your imagination that put the fake cat in harms way. If the cat is fake and in your imagination you are in control of it. As such, you must have unconsciously wanted the cat to meet it's demise. It's sad to say, but it's the truth.

My suggestion is to go see a psychiatrist. You obviously have some deep seeded cat issues that I simply don't have the capacity to fully resolve. You have to get to the origin of your cat issue so that you can be set free of your cat problems. Otherwise, for the rest your life you'll vomit/cry at the site of cats, and that is something neither of us wants.

Todd's Stories #3

It was a warm June morning (possibly). The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and I was excited as ever. It was a day I would always remember, but for all of the wrong reasons....

I woke up that morning with a smile on my face. I'd been looking forward to this day for quite some tune. It was my first chance to play at Flushing Meadows, and possibly my last. To be able to play on the courts of the U.S. Open, the place where some of the greatest tennis players of all time and some of my personal favorites had played was like a dream come true to me. I was going to step on the same court that Pete Sampras, Andre Agassi, Jimmy Connors, and many other legends had played. That was, until the day took a turn for the worse.

I hopped out of bed and began my morning routine. I got dressed in the best tennis attire I owned and laced up my New Balances. I wasn't that hungry but I knew I had to have something. The last thing I wanted to do was to show up to the tournament famished with little to no energy. My mom had bought bagels the previous day so I decided that was what I was going to have. After all, all great athletes know to carbo-load before a big event. However, a plain bagel is too boring for me, so I decided to spice it up with some cream cheese. I began to spread the cream cheese on the bagel when the next thing I knew I was lying on the floor looking up at my father's and brother's shocked faces. I had fainted!

Due to the fact that I slammed my head on the ground I had to go to the hospital. Right before my brother and father were to help me get out of the car I vomited all over the back seat of the car. Due to the concussion I had sustained that would not be the last time I vomited. In fact, over the next few days I vomited more than I ever thought physically possible. Anyway, I was wheel chaired into the hospital and had to spend the next few hours there where I had numerous heart and brain tests taken. In the week to come I would have even more. The worst part was that nothing was wrong with me and still to this day I don't know why I fainted.

Needless to say I missed my big match. The day I had longed for oh so badly slipped through my fingers. My date with destiny was postponed, but fortunately I was able to play at Flushing Meadows the next year. However, my dreams were still crushed that day I fainted, along with the back of my head.

The moral of the story is have someone spread the cream cheese on your bagel for you the day of a big event. Also, getting concussions sucks and can make you vomit wildly.

Answer for Stripes

Stripes writes:

How much should I sell my burl for? I have it all stashed in the back of my pick-up, and I just don't know what to quote the price as. I think it is losing value as we speak. Please help.

Well stripes, this is an extremely odd question.  First off, it took some research for me to discover that a burl is one of those knots you sometimes see on trees.  Why you already knew this I do not know (unless you are an Eagle scout (Od) in which case your cover is blown).  Secondly, why do you have one in the back of your pick-up truck.  They are kind of gross and merely wood.  Thirdly, how do you get a burl in the first place.  They don't just fall off of trees.  The only explanation is that you consciously cut one off of a tree and carried it to your truck.  Why you would do such a thing is beyond me.

To get to your question, if anyone is willing to buy your burl you should probably accept whatever price they are willing to pay.  Considering the perspective buyer can simply cut down their own, any price is a good one.  

Instead of selling your burl, I think you should keep it.  Perhaps you can create some sort of decoration out of it.  Put it in your home to give it an outdoorsee feel.  Maybe you can turn it into a nice table of some sort.  If you are by chance a widdler, maybe you can widdle the burl into a statue or figurine.  I don't think the burl is meant to have any monetary value.  It is what you do with the burl that counts, and if you make it part of your home and cherish it, well, that's more valuable than all of the money in the world.

No more jokes: Spread the word

I've been saying for a while now that I wanted this blog to get big. Well, we now have more viewers, but not nearly as many as I am looking for. I need all of you to get out there and start spreading the word. I only want Todder's Playhouse to get big so that I can educate other people and hear their thoughts and answer their questions. By no means do I want Todder's Playhouse to take off solely for myself for some sort of last chance effort at greatness. That would be ridiculous. I am doing this for the lost souls out there who need some guidance and someone to answer their life questions. I'm a humanitarian, I'm doing this for others. So please, if you are reading this, spread the word about Todder's Playhouse. If you have a radio show (Ryan and Steve) give the playhouse a little shout out and let your listeners know what's good. If you are making some movies, give Todder's Playhouse a little love and a little reference. And if you have no mass media contact, just tell a friend or invite them to the Todder's Playhouse facebook group. I want everyone out there to know of what we're doing here at the playhouse and what we're aiming to accomplish: the creation of a cyber family who are trying to educate and to help one another and who all get together to have a laugh or a cry at Todder's Playhouse. Thank you.

Answer for Ben

One of the Bens asks:

Would it be possible for you to make todder's playhouse t-shirts,
and then have contests where the winner gets a shirt? I'd recommend
a big picture of your bearded face on a t-shirt with todder's playhouse
on the back.

At the very least you could have a competition about thinking of a cool
slogan for the site and/or the future t-shirts. Some brief suggestions...
"Todder's advice...unshaved"
"Todder's Playhouse, no Bics allowed"
"Educating you one handle bar mustache at a time"
"A place to pick out your belly button lint"

I think both ideas are great. As far as the t-shirt goes I think that is a perfect way to get people to respond more and to show their loyalty. To the people I deem loyal and who do the most getting the name of Todder's Playhouse out there and responding to posts they will receive a shirt. There may be future contests for shirts as well, but for now the people that get numerous people to come and read Todder's Playhouse will receive a shirt with a picture of yours truly on it. This will not be easy however. You will have to earn your shirt. To be able to wear a shirt with my face on it is an honor, and it is an honor that that is not taken lightly. It will take more than a mere couple of days of work for Todder's Playhouse to earn a shirt. Your loyalty and passion for the playhouse will have to be consistent and strong. That being said if you truly show your undying support for Todder's Playhouse you will certainly be worthy of a shirt.

I also like the idea of the slogan competition. This will probably be implemented very soon. All great blogs have catchy slogans so why shouldn't Todder's Playhouse be any different? What's a good blog if not a catchy and memorable slogan? Plus, by giving my fans a chance to compete by creating slogans it makes you them feel even more a part of the playhouse, which is one of the playhouse's ultimate goals. Not only that but if fans make it then fans will like it, and if fans like it that means they are more frequently going to read the blog, as well as tell others about it. And those are some great examples you have given, or at least springboards to bigger and better slogans.

Overall, you have done a great job Ben, whichever Ben you are. This is the type of progressive, forward thinking we need at the playhouse. Keep this up and I might make you some sort of chief of forward thinking or something like that. And you'll certainly be getting a t-shirt if there's more stuff like this to come. For those of you besides Ben reading this you should take some notes. Your ideas and thoughts are greatly valued here at Todder's Playhouse and I love to hear them. Don't be shy. The more creativity flowing through this site the greater it can be. I want to go straight to the top, and with everyones help I believe we can make that happen.

Answer for anonymous

Anonymous writes:

Dear Todd,

I have become very unhappy with my body lately and am considering
undergoing a change. Villanova girls seem to be over the whole "devilishly
handsome human" thing- I think they're looking for something a little more
exotic.

That said, I'd like your help in choosing what body to inhabit (purely for the
sake of picking up chicks). Would a villanova girl like:

A big Sexual Robot?

http://www.craphound.com/images/freerobotsex.jpg

A holy, long-necked dino?

http://www.sirlin.net/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/jesus_dinosaur.JPG

Or an alien?

http://www.oddee.com/_media/imgs/articles/a99_jackson.jpg

I look forward to your response. The fate of the world (or at least my
love life) depends on it.

First off, this is the strangest question I have received thus far, so congrats on that. I also appreciate the accompaniment of pictures with the questions. It makes my job much easier. Second off, I would like to end all of this use of "anonymous." We here at Todder's Playhouse are trying to build a community of caring and respect, and the only way to accomplish that goal is full disclosure of who you are (especially the person who dared insult me and say I don't speak the truth on the answer to Ryan's question. That person has no soul.)

That stuff being said, let's get started with the answering. First of all, I don't think I can ever be attracted to an alien. Although they are probably the closest to humans out of all the choices, they are just so typically trying to destroy civilization and human life. Why would I want that for a lover? Not to mention they are always so slimy and gooey. The lubrication may be convenient at certain moments (such as when a rusty door is squeaking) but other than that it's just down right gross. Of course there also may be other types of aliens we are unaware of. If you were transformed into like some sort of sexy alien with big boobs that would be ideal, but otherwise forget about it.

The dino should not even be considered. I know you are looking for exotic, but at least for me, beasteality is not so cool. Not to mention I don't know where you would get all of those vertebrates from. The only dinosaur I'd be attracted to would be the real deal. Considering we have never actually seen a live dinosaur the transformation would be more of an artist rendering than anything else, and that is simply something I cannot stand for.

Robots on the other hand are the wave of the future. It's only a matter of time before we all have our own personal robots, both as sex slaves and workers. The one thing to be careful of though is to make sure you get human genitals. I personally would not want to make love to bunch of metal. There are too many risks involved and too much could go wrong. That being said, if you have the proper sexual organs I think the sexual robot is the way to go.

I hope these answers help anonymous. Although we here at Todder's Playhouse don't necessarily promote these types of bodily transformations we can never turn down a question. Thanks for asking and good luck with the surgery. I'm sure you'll do great.

Answer for Ryan

Sorry for the delay on the answer Ryan.  Ryan writes:

When am I going to be featured on your blog? You know I'm attention depraved.

This is a difficult question to answer.  The truth is, you are going to have to earn it.  If you had read previous posts you would know that I greatly appreciate my reader's loyalty and like that loyalty be shown with responses to posts.  As such, if you consistently show your loyalty and respond to multiple posts with "first" I will give you your own post on my blog.  You can write whatever you want so long as I think it is funny and worthy of being posted on Todder's Playhouse.  Granted I have extremely high standards, you at least earn the right to have me read your post and possibly have it published.  I think that's pretty good.

You can also be featured on my blog if you do something in real life I deem worthy of discussing.  This is a tough feat but you never know what can happen.  For instance, if you took the route of Jake Schoneker and climbed a tree and fell out of it from thirty feet up and landed on your feet unscathed, I would deem that worthy of being discussed in Todder's Playhouse.  That is a pretty lofty goal, but any sort of situation where your life is at risk will probably make it into Todder's Playhouse.

Your last chance at being featured on my blog is mostly related to luck.  If I am in the mood to write a Todd's Stories and think of a story you happen to be involved in you will be mentioned.  However, that doesn't really have anything to do with you.  This blog in general revolves around me, and if you're lucky you can be mentioned as side note in a story of mine. 

Lucky for you I thought of another chance you have of being featured.  If you mention Todder's Playhouse and shout out my blog on your radio show you shall be compensated with a shout out on Todder's Playhouse.  The same applies to anyone who shouts me out publicly.  If you do me a solid like that it will not go unappreciated.  Todd Easton is a man of honesty and reciprication, and if you do spread the word about his blog you shall have your moment under the sun that is Todder's Playhouse.

The Polls

Being the humanitarian that I am, I have decided to take weekly polls to see how you guys feel and what you want to see more of. I never like to disappoint my loyal fans and so I will be taking these polls as a way to become closer to my fan base and know how all of you truly feel. From behind this computer screen sometimes I lose touch of what this blog is really about: you guys. I know all of this stuff already. Posting all of these educational yet quirky posts has no benefit for me. It is all for you. As such, for this blog to be as beneficial as possible, I must know what you want. Therefore, the weekly polls will now be instituted so that I can become closer to my people and know what all of you want.

P.S.
Participation in these polls is mandatory. I have ways of tracking who has done it and who has not, so please, just answer the polls. Thank you.

Todd's Stories #2

I would like to take you back to a time early in my childhood. It was a time filled with fear, self-esteem issues, and a love for masks. I would like to take you to the age of around 5 or 6 years old. A time that changed my life forever.

Like any young child, I had a lot of odd habits. I liked to play with things I called "get-its." Get-its are more or less pieces of lint that I liked to roll around in my finger tips. The feeling of lint in my fingers would lull me to sleep. I also frequently made up stories. Whenever my brother or sister would talk about things that happened before I was born I would make up stories about how I did all of those things in my mother's stomach. However, my mask phase was probably my oddest habit. Here's a picture to set the stage.




(My eyes weren't quite so blue.)











For about six months straight I would wear my mask at all times of the day. Whether (or weather) hot or cold, the mask would be on. Whether asleep or awake, the mask had to be worn. If I were having trouble eating food through the hole I would simply lift the mask up above my lips, then shovel the food in my mouth and put the mask right back down. I could not be seen without my mask. Why, I do not know. Perhaps I thought myself too beautiful for the world to see. Perhaps I wanted to keep my skin soft and supple (which may indeed be why my cheeks or so soft and chubby.) Or perhaps my face was just always cold. Whatever the reason, that mask never left my face and has helped make me the man I am today. I saw the world in a way most people do not, through an actual mask. While other people were wearing masks of kindness and caring, I was actually wearing a real, physical mask. I'd rather wear an actual mask and be myself any day of the week then wear a mask and pretend I'm something I'm not.

The moral of the story is that Todd was a strange child and that we all wear masks, whether physical or emotional. However, to be ones self is the best road to travel. Do not hide who you really are behind any kind of mask.

Answer for anonymous (John Sacripanti)

Anonymous writes:

Yello?

I got a great question for you Todders ... If I have a 95% chance of hitting
my spots with the John-ball, am I an unstoppable force in Chinese Wiffleball?

First, for those of you who are unaware, Chinese Wiffleball is a brand of wiffleball played in my old house's driveway in the back. It involves hitting the ball at the house where different regions of the house are allocated different hits (bottom is single, middle is double, top is triple, roof is homerun (unless caught while rolling back down.)) There is absolutely no running involved. Why it is called Chinese Wiffleball I do not know, you would have to ask Russell Easton about that one (who will be discussed again later). Also for those who are unaware, the John-ball is a pitch thrown by John which is basically just a curve ball which goes from right to left. John has other pitches but they are rarely thrown, not only because they suck but because they never hit the strike zone.

Secondly, this is a strictly hypothetical question. It is hypothetical because a) I no longer live at the only location where Chinese Wiffleball can ever, and will ever be played, and b)the John-ball will never be thrown with a 95% chance of hitting spots. A more realistic number is 25%. With that being said, let's dive into the meat of this question.

If the John-ball were thrown with a 95% chance of hitting spots, John would indeed be a force to be reckoned with. Although the John-ball is not much more than a slow moving curveball, hitting spots at 95% is pretty damn good and would be difficult to contend with. Also, to give John credit, the last time we played wiffleball he was pretty viscous with the bat. John's hand-eye coordination has greatly improved. Couple that with 95% accuracy and he would be pretty darn difficult to beat. However, he would certainly not be an unstoppable force.

John would not be an unstoppable force because he would at some point have to play me. I have home field advantage and am a seasoned veteran of Chinese Wiffleball. I know the ins and outs of that driveway and the ins and outs of the backstop and I just turn up the heat when need be. Plus, I send out Mudge (my dog) to be a distraction when things get bad.

If at this point I was still losing I would just bring out my brother big Russ, more commonly referred to as Rusty. Through sheer annoyance directed towards John, Rusty would be throwing the wiffle ball in the mid-90's. Rusty has never lost a Chinese Wiffleball game which he really wanted to win, and this would be no different. Sorry John, but even with your 95% accuracy rate, Rusty would still bring you down. Good question though.

Keep it up with the questions friends. I am always happy to oblige and put forth my best answer possible.

NKOB

I took a brief hiatus over the weekend and I apologize to those of you who have been eagerly awaiting my next post. Well, that hiatus is over so you need not wait anymore. Let's get right into it.

So, I am sure you all out there know who NKOB is. The New Kids on the Block had a bunch of hits back in the day, and strictly because I can't think of anything worthwhile to say I am going to let you know that Chinese food makes me sick. So anyway, the New Kids were a big deal back in the day, paving the way for other teen heartthrobs such as *NSYNC and Back Street Boys.



(A little piece of my heart will always belong to Donnie Wahlberg.)








Well, it turns out that NKOB wants to get back on the cheesy, sappy, 15 minutes of fame, make music to get under aged females to give you their underwear bandwagon. They have recently come back together and it looks like they may be heading back out on tour. This is great news for all the now women out there who are in their thirties who used to obsess with NKOB back when they were a teenager (such as my sister). For everyone else, it barely constitutes as news, but is funny none the less.


(If they make a new song the chorus should go "Growin' Up" and played to the beat of "Hangin' Tough." It could be all about the trials and tribulations of being a teen heartthrob and the ridicule you face from your friends when that is still the only thing you are known for or have ever done when you are in your mid-thirties.)






I don't know about you guys, but I am pumped. Seeing a bunch of not very good looking grown men dance around on stage trying to sing songs they made 15 years ago is at the top of my list of things to do. I'll be their wearing my NKOB t-shirt and hat and singing along to the Right Stuff and screaming and crying from the front row when Joey touches my hand. What a magical evening it will be. See you there.

Will it be a Legend?

Just a few moments ago my heart both fluttered with happiness and dropped right out of my chest. That is because I just found out that one of the greatest video games of all times and one of my personal favorites is being made into a movie. The Legend of Zelda is coming to the big screen. The fact that such a great game is getting the recognition it deserves is where the happiness comes from. The sadness comes from the fact that a) it might not be good, b) I am not playing Link, c) I am not directing the movie, and d) I did not write it. If the directors, producers and actors mess this up they are going to have to hear from Todder's Playhouse. If one of the greatest games of all time is not done justice the Todder's Playhouse will no longer be Todder's Playhouse, it will become Todder's Painhouse. Rather than a place of enjoyment and education, it will become a place of tirades and destruction on all those that did a disservice to legendary Legend of Zelda.


I also just learned this might be an April's Fools joke (I already wrote all of this so it's too late to turn back). If it is an April Fools joke I only fell for it out of excitement and love for the game. If it's not an April's Fools joke this better at least be entertaining.

Baxwell Collarsby

When I first started this blog I came out with the mission to inform my fans and the general public. I regret to say that I have not done such a good job of it. Oh, I tell you about funny clips and interviews, I answer your questions, and I keep you entertained. That is all true. But I haven't really informed you of all that much. However, I know somebody that can. If you want the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth head on over to: http://baxwellcollarsby.wordpress.com/
He'll teach a few things without any of the bullshit. Check it out.

The Freeze Gun Doesn't Hurt Anybody

For those of you that don't know, long before he got ripped and took off his shirt in Troy, Eric Bana used to be a stand up comedian. He had his own show in Australia in which he did little comedic sketches. The following is one of those sketches. It never ceases to make me laugh so I thought I'd share it with all of you (especially those of who are fans of Batman and Robin). Enjoy.