You've Done it Again Sylvester

(The soft core porn king himself.)


I wanted to take this time out to praise Sylvester Stallone and his ability to write somewhat decent scripts (which in and of itself is amazing since he seems partially mentally handicapped) and somehow assemble incredible casts for them. The latest and greatest example of this comes with his new movie The Expendables.


The movie is about a team of mercenaries who head to South America with the mission to overthrow the dictator of Corza (Made up country or not? I cerainly don't know). I don't want to give you too much of the plot because I don't want to blow your fucking mind with how good it is (it seems ok), but the cast is absolutely phenomenal. It is not certain who plays what character, but as of now the cast includes Stallone himself, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Forrest Whitaker, and Randy Couture. With the exception of Whitaker, that's like a who's who of terrible acting Hollywood badasses (Note: Whitaker was badass in Ghost Dog, but he's also the only one amongst them that can act). They are also trying to get Sandra "I'm super annoying" Bullock to join the cast, but hopefully that doesn't go through (hopefully Stallone and Bullock weren't as close as they looked in Demolition Man otherwise they may in fact get her to join.)

My hope is that midway through the movie there is some internal fighting within The Expendables and it becomes some sort of free-for-all blood bath amongst the members of the group. The only way that that could get any better would be if Governor Arnold, Wesley "Wesley don't pay no taxes" Snipes, and the Muscles from Brussells joined in on the fighting. Then this truly would be the greatest movie of all time.

Answer for Anonymous

Anonymous writes:

Todd, This is both an explanation and a question. It is widely thought that Michael Jordan was forced by the commish of the NBA to retire for a few years because he was caught gambling on the game. He didnt want to ban the greatest player of all time from basketball so he told him to lay low for a few years. Would this change your betrayed feeling or would it make it worse because he is also a degenerate gambler on top of a quitter.(For those of you who don't know, this question is in relation to my latest Todd's Stories, so you should probably go ahead and read that before you read this. Thanks.)

Well Anonymous, I don't give a rats ass about said gambling issues. A betrayal is a betrayal. Either he retired and betrayed me or he gambled and forced the commissioner to make him leave the league and betrayed me. What's he gambling for anyway? I'm pretty sure he had enough money and a pretty secure future to have no need to gamble (unless he was trying to recoup any losses which occurred because of the founding of Michael Jordan's Steakhouse. I don't know when that place opened but it sucks.) Unlike Charles Barkley, the idea of Michael Jordan gambling away millions of dollars does not entertain me and as such his little gambling stint was not necessary and ended in his betrayal of me.

Note: The fact that he is a degenerate gambler makes the betrayal no worse. He can gamble all he wants. Either way he stabbed me in the back, ripped out my heart, and then tried to hit it with a baseball bat and missed.

Todd's Stories #13

As a young boy I was a very passionate and loyal child, but if I felt that you had betrayed me it meant that you were dead to me, and there's no coming back from that.  Forgiveness was not an option for me.  One such example of this fire that I had and the subsequent consequences of my being betrayed is with my child hood hero, Michael Jordan.  During my childhood I followed sports quite frequently, and none more so than basketball.  I loved basketball.  I would spend hours outside of my house nearly every day shooting foul shots and trying to improve my game (that's why my shot is so dank still to this day.)  Like all children, I was a major front runner in sports (Don't lie, you know you were too.)  As such, my favorite basketball team was the Chicago Bulls and my favorite player was the best player on the best team, Michael Jordan.  Oh how I admired his royal airness.  That is of course, until he retired way before his time (I'm talking the first retirement and then going to play baseball.  Who does that shit?)  I felt betrayed that my favorite player of all time would retire well before he had left his prime.  He was on top of the game, but that wasn't good enough for him.  He had to try his hand at another sport, of which it turned out he sucked.  And so Michael Jordan was dead to me.  I got rid of his jersey.  I tore down the posters.  I crossed out his name in the about the author section of the childhood books I had authored which stated how Michael Jordan was my favorite player.  Even after he came out of retirement he meant nothing to me.  There was no going back to the glory days.  It was over.  I moved on from the Bulls and went straight to the Charlotte Hornets where I spent the rest of my youth admiring the likes of Alonzo Mourning, Larry Johnson, Tyrone Bogues, Dell Curry, and the rest of them who I can no longer remember.

The moral of the story is if you are ever thinking about betraying Todd Easton, just don't do it.

Answer for Anonymous

Anonymous writes:

Hey Todd,Who do you consider the top 5 women on the planet and why? Thanks.

Well Anonymous, this is quite a tricky question. There are plenty of women I could put on this list because there are plenty of all around solid women out there, so narrowing it down to just five is no easy task. In order to make my decisions easier I'm going to stick with currently living women (Martha Washington is a clear top five if we were talking dead women. She's quirky and really knows how to support her man. Harriet Tubman would also be noteworthy.) With that said, I'm going to give this list a good shot, but my decisions are subject to change if I think of someone new at a later date or if history proves these women not to be top five worthy. The following list is in no particular order.

The first top five women is my mother. Come on, what dumb ass wouldn't include Barbara Easton on their top five women list. If a normal person would include her on their top five list, surely her child would nominate her as top five. She buys me food and gives me advice on life, what else do I need to say.

The next top five women on my list is Mo' Nique. With a name like that it's hard to lose. And boy does she make me laugh. Laughter is the key to a man's heart, and Mo' Nique sure has unlocked my heart again and again.

The third top five women on my list is the Pinesol woman. She makes the house smell like lemons and is always cheerful while doing so. I don't think this choice needs much explanation. If the Pinesol woman isn't in your top five you can get the hell out of here.

The fourth top five women on my list is the lovely Giada De Laurentiis. To be honest, she's consistently really annoying, but she's hot, she can cook, and from the looks of this picture she can commit bloody murder with the best of them, and so she has the be put in the top five.

The final top five women on my list is Cynthia Rylant. You may not know who she is, but I sure as hell do. She's the author of the most glorious children books of all time, and more specificly the author of the Henry and Mudge series. Without her wonderful writing my life would simply not have been the same.

Honorable mentions go to Whoopi Goldberg, Gloria Estefan, Alicia Sylverstone, and Tatiana Ali

Where's My Pyramid?

(If a sculpture of my face were put where that pharaoh's face is, that would be great.  Thanks.)

Today, while being jobless and hobby-less and watching a show on ancient Egypt, it struck me, why don't I have a pyramid?  Ancient Egyptian pharaohs constructed great pyramids to show their power and wealth.  I, however, am not egotistical enough to force my peoples to construct me a pyramid.  I don't want to make a pyramid for myself.   I want you all to make me a pyramid out of your love for me.  I also figure that the day of the pyramid is soon to return and I'd like to stay ahead of the curve.  It's only a matter of time before powerful figureheads from all around the world start making themselves pyramids again, and I not only want to be the first to do it, but I want my followers to do it for me rather than being forced to.  

Whoever makes me a pyramid that emits the strongest feelings of greatness will be crowned the best fan of Todder's Playhouse and may even get a guest post on the Playhouse (if it's a good post.  No matter how good of a pyramid you make me I won't simply give you a free posting pass.  Getting a guest post isn't that easy.)  And remember, you won't be paid for this mission, but I will look kindly upon you for doing it.  So, good luck fans.  And remember, the quicker the better.

Todd's Dreams #3

I had this dream a few nights ago but didn't remember it until yesterday. Something must of jogged my memory but I'm not sure what. My dream was that my brother had the adult film "Nailin' Palin" on VHS, along with several other pieces of pornographic material, and I wanted to steal them. However, the fear of being caught was too great and so I left them where they were. This was a very short and quite pathetic of a dream, but due to the humor in it I simply had to write a post about it.

Todd's Stories #12

Religion can be a confusing topic for children. Heck, it's a confusing topic to most adults. The whole idea of a greater being and having faith in a god is a very tricky topic, especially to young children. So imagine my confusion when I found out that I was half Christian and half Jewish (I know I'm not really Jewish at all since my mom isn't Jewish, but you can't expect a child to understand why Jews are so picky about who gets accepted into their exclusive club.)

Anywho, this Todd's Story isn't about my inability to grasp the meaning of religion at a young age, but rather it's about my inability to remember the names of the two religions I was a part of. I'm going to give the ballpark age of 6 for this incident because that's a pretty safe number, but to be honest I don't really remember when this occurred and it could have taken place anywhere between ages 6-12. I had just learned of my religions and I had simultaneously heard my older brother and sister talking about gay people (I don't know why they were talking about this subject. To be honest my brother was actually probably just calling me gay, but that's a topic for another, much longer post.) So, when my parents asked me what religion I was while riding in the car one day, I replied that I was half Jew and half gay (a religion where I get to hang out with all guys. I'm in!) My entire family erupted in laugther and my brother still to this day makes fun of me for it.

The moral of the story is homosexuality has yet to be accepted as a religion.

Knight Rider, You Shall be Missed?

(How could you possiby expect to replace this guy?)







I was recently requested to give a eulogy of sorts for the show Knight Rider, which, after a horrendous first season, has been cancelled. Out of respect for the requester I will touch upon the subject, however I can't possibly do it in the fashion which he would like. I can't bring myself to pretend like I will mourn the loss of Knight Rider, nor can I act like I am suprised. To remake a show that starred David Hasselhoff and to ask some mere mortal to try and fill in the enormous shoes left behind by the Hoff is simply asking the impossible. It's like trying to remake Baywatch. Sure it would succeed because of all the bouncing boobies, but without the aura and glow of the Hoff it just wouldn't be the same. And that is the fate of Knight Rider. Althought it was a somewhat valiant effort at a remake, it simply could not be done. So I bid thee a not-so-fond fairwell Knight Rider 2008. I never watched a single one of your episodes, and I never will.

What Sport Should Your Child Play?

I recognize that most of my readers are yet to have children, but this is still an interesting topic I would like to discuss. It turns out that through the use DNA analysis, doctors are beginning to be able to tell which sports children are better suited for. For instance, through the testing of genes it can be determined if a child would be better at speed and strength sports, endurance sports, or some sort of combination. Due to my impeccable physical condition, I believe I myself would have been a high combination of both. (I had written other stuff here but decided it wasn't funny or informative enough and did not meet the standards of Todder's Playhouse. I just thought I should let you know. Sorry for the interruption.)

I can only wish that these discoveries had been found when I was merely an infant. If my parents had known that I had such a natural ability to play table tennis and had started me on a training regiment earlier on in my life, I may now be competing with the Wang Liqin's of the world. Screw playing for fun. I want to know what I am best at so I can beat as many other people as possible at it. That's all there is to it.

Answer for Rob

Rob asks:

Todd, It's the time of year where women arrive places with hard nips. What are some techniques to avoid letting these hotties see me looking at their nips.

Thanks Bro.

Rob, this is a question that man has pondered since the dawn of tight t-shirts. To date, there have been no reliable breakthroughs in the field of staring at women's nipples without getting caught, but I can give you a few tips that will hopefully prevent you from being caught staring.

The most obvious technique is the glance. Only make short eye contact with said region of the female body. The longer you stare the more likely you are to get caught. For this technique to truly work you'll have to learn some patience and restraint, and you may want to practice a little before using this technique out in the field. Perhaps put up some poster of attractive females on your walls and pretend they are the real deal.

The next technique is wearing sunglasses. Although this technique is not appropriate for all situations, it is extremely reliable and easy to pull off. You just have to make sure you wear a pair of sunglasses where the woman cannot see your eyes, otherwise it is all for naught. I personally suggest those sunglasses that look like mirrors. Not only will you yourself look cool, but if the woman you are trying to stare at is really superficial she'll see herself in your glasses and will not be able to resist checking herself out. She may even take a few steps closer to you to get a closer look, in which case you'll have an even better vantage point on "the goods".

Another technique you may want to think about using is the non-direct glance. If in wherever you are there are mirrors or reflective surfaces, try looking at the women via these surfaces. You may not get as good or as clean of a look as a direct glance can offer, but you are also much less likely to get caught. The reward isn't quite as big, but it is a fairly safe method.

If things are really bad, there is a final technique you may want to try, a technique that I myself do not recommend. This technique is called abstinence. Just don't look. I know it's easier said than done, but if you pull it off well the woman you wouldv'e been looking at may think you are a sweet and sincere guy and not just trying to fulfill any carnal cravings you may have. Since abstinence is a difficult technique you may need to take some extreme steps. WARNING: THE FOLLOWING IDEA IS NOT RECOMMENDED BY ANYONE AT TODDER"S PLAYHOUSE AND SHOULD BE USED ONLY IN EXTREME CIRCUMSTANCES WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS. A step you can take to make abstinence a more easily accoplished feat is to picture the women's breasts that you would be staring at as your mothers or sisters. This should immediately curb any and all desires you have of looking at said woman's nipples.

I wish you luck on your journeys Rob. You are traveling down a difficult road, but with these techniques now at your disposal, I know you will succeed.

The Poor Man's Actors #2

It took me a while to think of a new list of poor man's actors, for which I apologize. However, I think the list is very solid, and although none of the actors are really as glamorous as the first set, they are still equally as amusing. So enjoy this set of poor man's actors and let me know if you have any other entries for the list.

Rufus Sewell: The Poor Man's Clive Owen

The both have dark, curly hair. They both have chiseled jaws and masculant bone structures. So what seperates Rufus Sewell from Clive Owen? You actually know who Clive Owen is. Rufus Sewell is probably best known for playing the dick knight in A Knights Tale, and more recently the televesion show The Eleventh Hour, a show doomed to last only one season. While they may look similar in many ways, Clive Owen simply has a charisma and machismo that Sewell frankly can't keep up with.

(Two tall, dark, and handsome men.)

Albert Finney: The Poor Man's Brian Cox

Sure he hit it big with Erin Brokovich, but Albert Finney sure hasn't been doing much since then. He has had a couple of smaller roles, including Dr. Albert Hirsch (What's the matter? Need to play a person with your own name?) in the Bourne Ultimatum (I actually did think that it was Brian Cox in the movie.) However, he sure is no Brian Cox. Playing characters ranging from Striker in X-Men 2 to winning an Emmy for his role in the min-series Nuremberg, Cox is a grade A actor.. They both may be old men, but Albert Finney is a little to cuddily of an old man to keep up with Brian Cox.

(These pictures don't do their resemplance much justice. Sorry.)

Jon Gries: The Poor Man's Gary Cole

Everyone loves the lovable Uncle Rico from Napoleon Dynamite. But where has Jon Gries been since then? No where good, that's where (accept if you have seen The Sasquatch Gang. Quite amusing). Gary Cole on the other hand has been hitting it big. From Entourage to Talladega Nights to Pineapple Express, Cole's star has been nothing but rising. They may look a like, but believe you me, they sure as heck don't act a like (I'm not entirely sure what that is supposed to mean).

(I bet you can't even tell which is which.)

Answer for Who's on the Microphone?

Who's on the Microphone? writes

Dear Lon's Son, aka God's Son,

I'm a white kid from the suburbs and I love rap music. I have a habit of spitting along with my favorite lyricists while their tunes are filling up my eardrums. Every once in a while these rappers use a word that is unacceptable for someone like me to repeat outloud so I tend to substitute that word with a synonym, but I really feel, and as a hip-hop head I think you'll agree, that it detracts from the authenticity of the music.

My question for you is whether or not it is ok to say the N word while singing along to rap music?

Well Who's on the Microphone?, I'm pretty sure you already know my answer to this one but I shall answer your question nonetheless. First off, I too have many of your same issues. I am a "white boy." I am from "the burbs." And I love to "spit rhymes" over "dumb beats" and rap a long with my favorite "gangstas." However, where I differ from you is that rather than subsituting synonyms for the more foul words said, I simply sensor myself. I clean it up as if it were coming straight from the radio. I sometimes even lip the word rather than speaking it out loud. God forbid anyone should hear me speak such horrid words it may just be the end of my days as a gentleman. I don't think it detracts from the authenticity of the music because I'm not changing the actual music, but rather I'm making it more ear friendly, and thus making it more me.

As far as the N word goes, I personally feel that coming from a neighborhood as white as white it is never ok to use the N word. But hey, if you feel the need to do it, go right ahead. Just watch out for who's around, you don't want the wrong ears to hear whitey speaking black. That's just no good.

Smart Beagle

I just wanted to share this video with all of my loyal fans because this is literally the best thing I've ever seen. While watching this video the range of emotions I went through included happiness, excitement, fear, shock, and love. If you do not enjoy this video you don't have a heart and you don't have a soul, so I hope you enjoy it.

Move Over Ralph

First Daniel Craig said that the next 007 should be black, and now the next Karate Kid actually will be black. Jaden Smith, the son of the former Fresh Prince of Bel-Air Will Smith, has signed on to star as the next Karate Kid (not to be confused with The Next Karate Kid. That movie sucked). Will's Overbrook Entertainment is producing (I smell a little bit of nepotism in the air (good word right)). There is no word yet of the return of Mr. Miyagi or the master of the crane himself, Ralph Macchio.

According to my various and extremely reliable sources (the internet), the new plot will be quite similar to that of the original Karate Kid, with a loser kid (Smith) getting beat up and turning to martial arts as a way to defend himself. Unlike the original however, this film will be shooting in Beijing and other foreign countries.

Will the Cobra Kai return as a group of douche-bag ninjas who feel the need to beat up on weaklings? Will Ralph Macchio become the teacher rather than the student? Will Macchio and Elisabeth Shue be the happy couple they were destined to be in the original? Will Jaden be able to wax floors and catch a fly with chopsticks? Will William Zabka be the father of the new bully reigning terror on various nerds and dweebs? These are all questions yet to be answered.

Why Aren't I Famous Yet?

I've got the looks.  I've got the attitude.  I've got fantastic wordplay.  I've got the creativity.  And I've sure as shit got the humor.  So why aren't I famous yet?  It's a good question that I have no answer for.  I've paid my dues and I think I'm deserving of some recognition.  I'll be the first to admit that my posting numbers have dropped a bit as of late, but that's only because I'm not being shown the love that I once was.  I know you couldn't tell from looking at me, but on the inside of this chiseled and well groomed exterior is a soft, doughy center that needs love and confirmation, and I simply haven't been receiving it much lately and it has taken a toll on my blogging abilities.  I've tried to push through it but poor publicity and a lack of stardom has an effect on even The Bod.  I just wanted to share my feelings with you.  I'm not going to try to coerce you into spreading the word again because I know it won't work.  I just wanted to let you know how I'm feeling.  I'm not mad, just disappointed.

Answer for Johnny Sac

Johnny Sac writes:

I love to sing Boys II Men songs, yet my colleagues can't stand it. I have committed tons of time to hitting those high notes in "I'll Make Love To You", and those low notes in "When The Water Runs Dry". What should I do Todder? I feel I need to stand up for myself and keep singing away? What are your suggestions being quite the singer yourself?

Let me just start off by saying I am quite a singer. I frequently belt out one song or another, usually with the name Todd replacing actual lyrics. I am also a huge Boyz II Men fan. When I saw them in concert (granted only three of the four boyz were there, and since it was only a couple of months ago they were no mere boyz) it made my heart melt and my soul cry. If I had caught them in their prime and seen all four of them together I think I would have cried so many tears of joy that a river would have immediately have formed as soon they started singing "Water Runs Dry" and they would have had to stop singing it because obviously the water would not be running dry, in which case I would start crying tears of sadness because they stopped singing such a lovely song.

At any rate, you're in quite a dilly of a pickle. Believe me, I know the urge to just start serenading my coworkers with "I'll Make Love to You," but not only is it a bit inappropriate, it may cause a sexual harassment lawsuite. You just have to wait for the right moments to sing. Perhaps if you're all alone in the bathroom you can belt out a few bars. Or perhaps you can have entrance and exit music for each day. Maybe you can walk in singing a song like "Baby C'Mon" to get everyone hyped up and leave singing a song like "The End of the Road" signaling the end of the work day. Just get a little creative with it. And if you just can't go the day without singing at inappropriate times, well them I'm going to tell you what Whoopi Goldberg told Lauren Hill in Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit: "If you wake up in the morning, and you can't think anything but singing, then you should be a singer, girl."

Todd's Dreams #2

In this dream which I had a few days ago, myself and my friend Matt O'Donnell (spelling of his name may or may not be correct) were to put on a play. But no, this was no ordinary play. It was a two man show that we put together after an episode of CSI. The episode of CSI which we were turning into a play was an episode which was about me (I don't think it's too big a stretch that they would make an episode about me). It was a dinner theater type of play wear Matt and I were on a circle stage surrounded by people. The play was to be a comedy. When we were about to start acting it out I woke up. Quite unfortunate because I would have loved to have seen myself act out an episode of CSI based on me. Priceless. Let the deciphering begin.

What Happened to You Halloween?

I just wanted to take this time, a mere two days prior to Halloween, to discuss my current disgust with the once glorious holiday. We all know that in the past I have been one of the most creative and glorious costume wearers in the history of the holiday. Not only were all of my costumes ground breaking and above the curve that is other costume wearers, but they also required a lot of guts and bravery to be pulled off (i.e. the butt mommy in eight grade). I have always believed greatly in the spirit of Halloween, that is why I dared to wear such outrageous costumes. They didn't all turn out as well as I had hoped (i.e. the priest and the holy shit) but they were all worn with the Halloween spirit in mind. A spirit which I have seen betrayed and stepped on in past years and a spirit which I myself am losing.

Halloween for me has always been about being creative and having fun. I've always looked forward to the October 31st as a day I can shine and watch others shine as well. But that is no longer the case. I have seen Halloween become a day of whoredome and tastelessness, a day of zero fun and zero humor. Maybe it's just because I've grown older. Maybe it's because when I was younger I didn't notice the older women dressing up as whatever requires the least amount of clothing to be worn, but it disgusts me. Where has the love gone? Where has the creativity gone? Where are the costumes that make others laugh and smile rather than making them think of many unholy things. And don't get the wrong idea, this isn't just for women. There are also the men who dress up as cavemen and other sleeveless wonders to show off their finely tuned muscles. Or the men who still wear the pimp costume and somehow still think it's funny. Well, it's not funny so get a new costume.

I'll be the first to admit that I am an elitist when it comes to Halloween. I hold very high standards for costumes and rarely can others live up to that standard. However, that shouldn't stop them from trying. Try something new. Go out on a limb. Wear something that makes you look like an idiot, that's what this holiday is all about. It's not about showing off your cleavage or your man bulge, it's about having fun and being creative, and each year I see that betrayed my soul is crushed just a little bit more.

Answer for always wanted to know

Always wanted to know writes:

If you poop with a thong on do you think that the poop would split into half? Or would it simply be forced to one side of the thong?

First off, this is a very gross question and not a subject I would typically touch upon here at Todder's Playhouse. However, since you asked, I am obliged to answer, and answer to the best of my ability. Secondly, assuming you are a guy, why have you always wanted to know this? When I see a girl in a thong, or a thong at any period in time for that matter, the last thing I'd ever want to be thinking about is whether or not it could split her turd in two. But I guess whatever floats your boat, or whatever floats your poop for that matter. (If my assumption is wrong and this is a girl, I apologize. Why don't you just go and try for yourself? That way you'll know for sure.)

Ok, now that all that is behind us, I can get to my answer. My hypothesis for this question is that if a girl has a bigger than average butt the poop may indeed split in half. To test this theory I would need two groups of girls, one with small butts and one with bigger butts. I would then proceed to ask them to poop while wearing a thong. To make sure that there is only one variable, the butt size, I would have every girl wear the same thong. And it would not be one of those mesh like thongs because I don't want any sort of poop grating going on or anything like that.

The reason I think girls with bigger butts are more likely to split their poo in two while wearing a thong is because I would think that they are more likely to get a wedgie than girls with smaller butts. The further that thong is up there the and the tigther it is the more likely it is to split the poop right down the middle. It's definitely a long shot, but I think if the poop were soft enough and the thong were tight enough and wedged up there enough, a splitting may in fact take place.

Thanks for the really gross question and thus really gross answer I had to give for it always wanted to know. I hope I gave a good enough answer for you, but there's only one way for you to really find out. You just have to put that thong on and try it out!

Todd's Dreams #1

No this isn't a post about my undying dream to swim in a pool of jello.  This is a post about my nighttime dreams.  It will be the first in hopefully many posts to come where I share with you what went through my mind the previous night.  I rarely remember my dreams fully and I rarely remember many details so it will get sketchy, but try to enjoy it nonetheless.  Ok, here we go.

Last night I had a dream that me and several of my friends were being chased by a wolf, but it was a wolf with superpowers of some sort.  Unfortunately, I don't remember what friends were with me and that would probably have been interesting.  At any rate, after running around for a while we got to my old house.  We buried two of my friends under ground in these wooden cages with the hope that the wolf wouldn't smell them under the dirt.  How they were going to breath down there, I'm not quite sure.  That's probably why I didn't choose to get buried.  I'm smart like that.  Me and my other friend went into my house.  Along with us was my dog Kobe and some other dog that I didn't know.  I decided we should hide in the attic, so that's where we went.  The attic steps are located in my parents closet, and when we went to go up into the attic Kobe and the other dog were no where to be found.  Since I'm not one to leave an innocent dog behind to be devoured by a wolf, I called for those two lonely dogs.  Kobe came immediately since I knew his name and called for him.  I did not know the other dogs name and so could not call for him, and so I had to chase him down.  I could sense that the wolf was closing in and that our time to hide was running out.  I frantically searched for the dog only to be awaken by my alarm.  

That's Todd's Dreams #1.  Feel free to search for deeper meaning in my dream and inform me of any incite you may have made into the psyche that is Todd Easton.  Thanks.

Funny Todd Quotes

Here are is a list of some of my finest quotes over the years, followed by a little background of the situation:

(While crying) "I can't take Russell to swim practice, I don't know how to drive."
-This is after my mom told me I had to go to bed early because I had to take Russell (my brother) to swim practice in the morning. I was around 5.

(While crying) "But what if you forget me?"
-This is when I was moving houses and my mom told me not to let her forget anything. I was about 5.

"Russell, the egg's in here."
-This is after I had found my brothers Easter egg and my mom told me not to tell him where it was. I was about 6. This situation is caught on video camera.

"Ha ha, I can do it!"
-This was said in a friends dream (Kenny) when I was about to jump off of a boulder which had already caused the demise of another one of our friends. I landed safely on the ground.

"Let's do it brothers."
-This was said while playing a game with friends that involved keeping a ball in the air for as long as possible. I was about 18.

"Yeah, that's that T9 word shit."
-This was said in response to being asked if I was sending a text message. I was, and am, 22.

These are just a few of my more famous quotes. Feel free to add more of my quotes in the comments section. If I think of more good ones I'll make another post of Funny Todd Quotes.

Under Siege 3: Extra Terrestrials

In a move that is bound to go nowhere, Steven Seagal has stepped up and said that he wants to make another Under Siege movie.  This time he doesn't want to be stuck on a boat or a train, and he doesn't want to be fighting mere humans.  Steven wants to take it up a notch.  Although Steven may not get his wish, ideally Steven, “Wouldn’t mind if it was about something more mystical or…maybe extraterrestrial in nature. Some real government top secrets instead of just the typical.”  Amen Steven.  And although this can't miss idea of Steven Seagal fighting aliens may not make it to the big screen, at least Steven wants to take his kung-fu action to places it hasn't been before.  He's tired of kicking human ass.  It's time to kick alien ass.

For anyone out there interested, this is how I see the plot of Under Siege 3: Extra Terrestrials unfolding.  Casey Ryback (played by Steven Seagal) is hired to be the chef on board a NASA flight to Mars.  He's hired because his culinary skills are intergalacticly known and the astronauts on board this flight are really picky about what they eat.  While flying to Mars the ship has some malfunctions due to being grazed by a small asteroid.  It turns out that it is no mere asteroid, but rather a alien spacecraft.  The aliens board the ship and take control of it.  They threaten to bomb Washington from space and ask for one billion US dollars to be wired to their space account.  The aliens, not recognizing that Casey Ryback is an ex-Navy Seal and full time ass kicker, forget about the chef in the back of the ship.  Ryback makes his way through the ship taking out one alien at a time.  Eventually Ryback takes out all of the aliens, turns the ship around, and lands it safely back at earth.  The End.

Stevie G's Top 5 #1

This is the first of hopefully many of Stevie G's Top 5. It is written by the well qualified Steven Glauber, a long time Todder's Playhouse reader and a glorious writer to boot. Tonight he perouses the essentials of cool. Listen to his advice and you too can be cool.

“Cool” is a badge not easily worn. For many, it’s elusive, always-changing and usually takes time to develop. Unfortunately, time is not always at your disposal. When you’re strolling down Broadway, looking to impress future friends or future friends with benefits (colloquially, fuck-friends), there’s no time to name-drop the Coen Brothers or show off your swiftness in Sudoku. You have but five seconds (at standard strolling pace) to display your cool to those around you. Here are 5 tips to being cool, fast:

Bandanas – Drape a bandana over your head. Originally used by cowboys to protect the mouth and nose from loose dirt and horse farts, bandanas now have become standard procedure in obtaining cool. They are particularly handy for aging rockstars or otherwise highly-visible public figures with receding hairlines.

Electronics – Make visible any and all electronics on your person. Cell phones, iPods, palm pilots, beepers, Kindles, pedometers—these all need to be on display. Clip your cell phone to your waste. Strap your iPod to your bicep. Electronics signify money. Girls love money. If it’s clear that you can afford an iPod and an iPhone, then it’s clear you can afford her movie ticket and her burrito from Chipotle.

Sunglasses – Summer, winter, night, day—wear ‘em. Go for the Terminator Ray-Bans for the rough-around-the-edges look. Or some sleek Oakley’s for the SoCal, sun-soaked beach-bod look.

Aviators for the douche bag look. Any shades, really—as long as they mask the crippling
insecurities that are so evident in your eyes!
Bonus Tip: Head down to China Town for some cheap knock-off shades. Haggle, haggle, haggle!

Dance – Dance along to the music coming from your headphones. Do some light hand claps. Get a little head-nod going. Approach a pretty lady and do a quick Cha-Cha to her. Women rarely find this off-putting.

Avoid freckles – Try to avoid freckles. They are very unsightly. Unfortunately, freckle-removal procedures can run you up about $20,000—not cool!

Answer for oneofthebens

Oneofthebens writes:

As a long time reader and by all standards a darn good contributor to the site, I was taken back by your Bod Says segment on All That. Am I the only one that didn't hate Lori Beth Denberg, Pierre Escargot, Kenan/Kel, and one of the Pete's? I agree Amanda Bynes sucked, you got me there. But an SNL for children with hiphop shows at the end? What's not to like Bod? Dare I say, the Ben says the Bod is mistaken? Is this one instance where the integrity of the advice has been shaved?

First off, no this is not one instance, "where the integrity of the advice has been shaved," as you so bluntly put it. Second off, you better not dare to say that the Bod is mistaken for he is not. Although I am quite aware of your great contributions to Todder's Playhouse, and I must admit that it would not be as a wonderful place without your thought provoking questions, the Bod should not be questioned. A little playful banter is alright, but an outright calling the Bod out is just not nice.

You are entitled to your opinions, but All That was, and always will be, awful. Although there are some dec (that's short for decent, it's hard to spell it out) skits, and having an intro by TLC is pretty sweet (although it's no Coolio) I personally just could never stomach watching All That. There is a good probability that you are the only person that doesn't hate Lori Beth Denberg, because she was incredibly annoying Although she eventually graduated to The Steve Harvey Show, she'll never escape her shameful past where she never once gave out a single piece of vital information for my everyday life. Pierre Escargot was ok but only because he's a black man pretending to be French. I love Danny Tamberelli, but his role on All That could never touch his days on Pete and Pete. Kenan and Kel was probably the best part of the show but that duo can only take you so far. And after the golden years (more like bronze, ha ha ha (get it, cause it was never that good)) when all the best cast members left, the show was truly a shit hole.

In conclusion, I'm sorry oneofthebens that you actually enjoyed this show. It simply was not funny. Maybe I was just a little mature for my age, but I never succumbed to watching All That, and I feel that I am stronger for it. But who knows, maybe you're the better person for being able to sit throught that drivel, but I know I never could, and I never will.

Todd's Stories #11

One time while I was riding my bike down my old street I decided to try and see if I could keep going straight while my eyes were closed. I ended up crashing into a tree.

The moral of the story is don't ride your bike with your eyes closed.

Bonus Todd's Stories because it's bike related:

Back when I was fat I always felt a sense of accomplishment when I could ride my bike all the way up my driveway without stopping. The driveway was slightly inclined and some what long.

The moral of the story is that fat Todd was in such bad physical condition that overcoming the slight hill that was his driveway was an accompishment.

Answer for First Time/Long Time

First Time/Long Time writes:

Hi Todder. I'm a first time contributer, long time reader . I am currently living in an apartment complex in famous Los Angeles, California. A friend just brought to my attention that apparently Corey Haim is living in one of the apartments here. He has been seen by others hanging out around the hot tub but I myself have yet to see him. What should I do if I run into him? I don't want to blow it. Please help.

First of all, I want to commend you on your commitment to Todder's Playhouse. Although we here at Todder's Playhouse prefer more outgoing and punctual fans, we certainly appreciate any long time readers. Loyalty is a characteristic we greatly admire at the Playhouse and we love to have any readers who have it.

Second of all, I am extremely jealous that you have the oppurtunity to meet Corey Haim. This Corey, along with the other Corey, is one of the most talented and sexy actors in Hollywood, and the chance to meet him would be like a dream come true for me (especially if it was in a hot tub like you alluded to). The only thing better would be to see him embracing longtime friend and fellow Corey, Corey Feldman, but that may be too much to ask.

I'd love to tell you to play it cool and approach him casually, but I know that would be a difficult task. I myself would probably start screaming like a school girl and run over and give him a great big kiss. If you can control your emotions you should probably wait for an appropriate time, such as when he is relaxing in the hot tub in just his bathing suit, and go over and introduce yourself. Say you are his biggest fan and love all of his work (Especially The Double 0 Kid. You loved that). I have a feeling that Haim has a rather large ego and any compliments would draw him right in. Then all you have to do is bask in his glory and all that is Haim.

Your other option of course is to pretend to be the resident drug dealer. As soon as Haim gets word that you're pushing dust he'll be right over. It's a plan that can't fail.

Alt 8521

This post is dedicated to those days back in high school where if you knew any of the alt and number combinations on the keyboard you were considered pretty cool. Although I myself did not know any combos by heart, I certainly did enjoy fooling around with the alt button to find whichever ones I could. Today it's a little bit easier than it used to be, but it's not nearly as fulfilling when you get a good symbol. So if you have any good combos, leave a comment here and perhaps a story to go along with it.

Sincerely,
♥╕τ○ƒ☺♂╟«╬ħ╒

Answer for One of the Bens

One of the Bens writes:

All my sources say you're a Douglas Adams expert. With that said, what say you about a new Douglas Adams book not written by Douglas Adams.
Feel free to not answer this comment and post the news on your own.

First off, your sources are correct, I am a Douglas Adams expert. I even wrote my research/book report thingy in like the 10th grade on Douglas Adams and so I am deeply knowledgeable of all things Douglas Adams and especially The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. I have read all five in the series (although the first two are pretty much by far the best), and seeing as how Douglas Adams is now deceased, I was not expecting to be reading any more. However, since apparently his wife commissioned a one Eonis Colfer to write a new book in the series, to be titled "And Another Thing...", it seems as though I may be reading one more.

Second of all, I believe this to be fraudulous on all accounts. Although the last few books in the series did not have the same zest and zeal as the first couple, they still had that Douglas Adams charm that all of his books have. To write a book in another person's series without that persons direct approval is an extremely bold move, and I hope this Colfer fellow knows what he's doing. There will be a lot angry fans out there if this books sucks, including The Bod. Those fans will tear him from limb to limb if this isn't good, and I'll be right their feasting on the remains.

The only good part of this whole escapade is that Colfer seems to be genuinely excited. He says of being offered this oppurtunity that it's, "like suddenly being offered the superpower of your choice". He has also apparently been working on this for a while: "For years I have been finishing this incredible story in my head and now I have the opportunity to do it in the real world. It is a gift from the gods. So, thank you Thor and Odin." How this excitement will translate into written word has yet to be seen, but let's hope it translates well. Cofler better not thank Thor and Odin until this book is done because he's got some big shoes to fill so he better know what he's getting himself in to.

Todd's Stories #10

I stood looking at that diamond yearning for my chance.  No, this was not any regular diamond.  This was a baseball diamond, and I wanted to play.  My thoughts drifted to earlier that day when a simple door had seemingly ruined any chances I had at playing.  The door had closed faster than I expected and the sharp corner sliced through my heel like Bode Miller slicing through moguls of snow, sending blood everywhere and me to the ground.  Oh how it was painful, but not as painful as watching my little league team struggle without me.

So there I stood, on the sideline with little hope of getting in.  I had a plastic bag over my foot to keep it as clean as possible, but every attempt to get my cleats on ended in futile agony.  We were behind in the game but had put a few runs on the board, giving us a chance at coming back.  All I wanted was an opportunity to put us ahead, but it did not seem like that was going to happen.  

I tried one more time to get my cleat on my bloody foot.  All I wanted was to play, that's all I ever wanted.  I long ago learned of the strength of my body and my ability to overcome any pain, and so I still had hope.  My drive to get in the game overcame the pain that rushed to my heal when I got the cleat on my foot, but that was only the first step.  I now had to try to walk around without limping, and eventually run. 

Despite the slow progress I eventually gained enough speed to be noticed by the coach.  Although I was already a very slow child and had been made even slower by my injury, my power with the bat far outweighed the slowness with which I ran.  Because of that my coach came over and asked how I felt.  I told him I was in some pain but I just wanted one at bat, one chance to put another v in the win column.  He told me I would get my chance, and so I patiently waited for my chance to be the hero I have always wanted to be.

The score was now 5-4.  We were down and it was the bottom of the ninth inning.  We had a man on second and third with two outs, and that's when the coach called me in.  My heart was beating faster than ever before, but I knew I could do it.  I had been waiting for this moment all day, and no heel injury was about to ruin it.  So I got up there and stared straight into the pitchers eyes.  He knew he was in trouble.

After a couple of rusty swings, I finally got a pitch to hit and I blasted it into the outfield.  I stumbled to first, and by the time I had done so the victory was already ours.  I had won the game for us, and on a bum foot at that.  I jumped up and down in glee as my teammates came over and hoisted me up onto their shoulders.  It was a day I would never forget: a day of trials and tribulations, but in the end, a day of triumph.

Note: This story is only based partially on truth.  Some details of said Todd's Story have been forgotten, and thus filled in with exaggeration.

The moral of the story is that no injury can hold Todd back.

The Eighth Annual Pickle Day is Almost Here!

This Sunday on Orchard Street in NYC, the eighth annual Pickle Day will be taking place. It is hosted by the New York Food Museum and the Lower East Side Business Improvement District. There will be many new pickle distributors partaking in the days' events, and such pickle greats as the dill, the pickled cucumber, sweet pickles, bread and butter pickles, and garlic pickles will be available to eat. Pickle Day is a day Jews and sandwich connaisseurs alike look forward to all year.

Pickle Day will include all the free pickles you can eat, as well as pickle paraphrenelia (which includes...). There will also be demonstrations on how to can pickles, as well as other demonstration tables. Additionally there will be various forms of entertainment, including Shakespeare in the Park. And don't be ashamed if you ride a bicycle, there will be free bicycle valet all day. The pickled festivities begin at 11 am, but get there early because these go fast.

Mini-Todd's Stories - My brother and sister gave me my first pickle to eat under the false pretense that I would not enjoy the pickle. They foolishly thought I wouldn't like it, but much to their dismay I enjoyed that pickle quite thoroughly. This began my life long love of pickles.

Sports Athletes Aren't the Only Ones that can Make Comebacks

Although such notable greats as Brett Favre and Lance Armstrong are on the comeback trail, the real comeback story lies with a bunch of guys who just wanted to make the world a little safer and a little happier.  That's right, the Ghostbusters are going back at it.  According to Harold Ramis the ghostbusters will be returning as mentors to a new batch of ghostbusters in Ghostbusters 3.  

(No word yet on whether the State Puff Marshmallow Man will be reprising his role as giant, terrorizing marshmallow.)

There are rumors that Judd Apatow will be writing the script, but it has also been said that the writers of The Office will be penning it so I don't want to make any definite claims, but either way some laughs will be had and some ghosts will be busted.  

Rule of Life #7

(I don't know about the elbow part, but other than that, this is how you wash your hands.)



Some people don't wash their hands after they urinate, and you know what, I really don't care. As long as you don't piss all over them it's your call. However, don't pretend to wash your hands by simply running water over your hands. It cleans nothing and it's annoying. For those of you who do do this, I don't know if you want people to think you're clean but don't have the time to use soap or if you just like the feeling of water running on your open hands, but it's pointless. You're hands are no cleaner and you haven't fooled anyone. Either wash your hands with soap, or don't waste your time with just water.


If you take a dump, always wash your hands. That's really gross if you don't.

Answer for one of the bens

One of the bens writes:

When you are playing tennis how important is the style in which you play?

Recently I was playing and an anonymous friend served like a girl but he insisted results over looks. Is this true?

(Don't look like this.)

As a true master of the world of tennis I am the perfect person to field this question. I have long played tennis and I have long been given crap for it. Many people think that tennis is a girly sport and that it is for nerds. For me to overcome such stereotypical and discriminitory beliefs I had to have a style that was all my own and made me look as cool as possible. The style you play with is just as important as your God given gifts on the tennis court, and if you don't look good doing it what's the point in doing it anyway? To be good at tennis you have to be more like Wesley Snipes and less like Woody Harrelson in White Men Can't Jump. You need to have style bursting out of your ass if you want to not be made fun of, and that's exactly what I have. Unfortunately, I can't really tell you the different types of styles there are, you just have to find your own and run with it.

As far as results over looks go I completely disagree with that. You have to look good no matter what you're doing regardless of the result. What if some fly honees are watching. You'd rather look good for them even if it means forfitting a few points. That's just the way the world works. So remember, find your own style and always look good.

Stolen Dreams

(A man with no shame. This is an actual picture of a man searching for coins.)




It turns out that in NYC it is perfectly legal to go coin hunting in the local fountains. One would assume that it would at least be frowned upon, but according to an NYPD spokesperson this form of thievery is perfectly legal. I can imagine little children wading into the water not knowing any better and innocently scooping up the shiny coins in the water, or a homeless person taking a quick bath and scooping up some lose change at the same time, but in any other instance to do such a thing means you have no soul. These are no mere coins, these are dreams and wishes. The only people who have the right to take them back are those that cast the wishes, and they may only take their own. Even young Mikey Walsh knew this in The Goonies. He would not steal other peoples wishes from the wishing well, and nor should anyone else.

This is America

I would like to take some time to commend the security gaurds at Yankee Stadium for ejecting a fan for getting up and trying to go to the bathroom during God Bless America for the seventh inning stretch. In case you haven't heard about this yet, on Wednesday, August 27th, during the seventh inning stretch of the Yankees-Red Sox game, a fan, a Red Sox fan no less, got up during the singing of God Bless America to go to the bathroom. Upon walking into the tunnel he was aprehended by a police officer who went on to eject the fan from the stadium. The fan said that he got up while the song was beginning, and that it was rather urgent, and yada yada yada. He even went on to say that he doesn't care about God Bless America. Well sir, if you don't care about God Bless America than you're in the wrong country. This isn't Switzerland or something where you can just get up and urinate during the national anthem. This is America. We stand and remove our caps when that glorious song is played, and if you don't do the same, well then get the hell out of our stadiums.

Answer for applebottomjeanlova99

applebottomjeanlova99 writes:

for all those youngsters out there, what would you say the tell tale signs of a snow day would be? Also what are the telltale signs that if it starts snowing while you are in school that there will be an "earl dismissal?"

Well applebottomjeanlova99 you threw this one up there for me and hopefully I can hit a home run with it.  First off, in general, the best tell tale sign of a snow day is that crisp, fresh powder piled up on the roads.  Just to be safe I would say around a 5 inch accumulation gives a high probability of snow day.  However, what you're really looking for is accumulation to begin at around 2:00 AM and have it continue snowing through about 8:00 AM.  You don't want to give that nasty ol' snow plower any time to commence plowing while it is no longer snowing, so as long as it starts during the night and doesn't end until after school would normally begin, you're probably in the clear.

Snow days are also affected by the amount of snow days previously used in the school year.  If it's mid-winter and you've already used up the given number of snow days, well than it's going to take a lot more snow for school to be cancelled.  However, if you haven't used any snow days and winter is almost over, well then it's possible you'll get a snow day with just a couple of inches.  You never know.

As far as the telltale signs of getting let out early because of snow goes, there are really two main ones.  The first involves the buses.  If you here the roar of the buses around midday and you see those yellow monsters coming around the corner, you're probably lookin' at an early dismissal.  Seeing all those beautiful, yellow vehicles pulling up to the school means they are probably there to take you home, and if it's at midday, you're probably going home early.  Lucky you!

The much less known telltale signing of going home early involves the hot lunches.  Every school must be able to provide it's students with a warm and healthy meal.  Some lucky brats are just too good for bagged lunches and so the school has to provide them with food.  You may be wondering what this has to do with early closures.  Well, if you catch word that the cafeteria is no longer making hot lunches it means you're going home early.  The school stopped making food because there will be no students there to eat them, meaning your day is almost done.  If you somehow find out earlier than everyone else that hot lunches are no longer being made, well by golly you better stand up and yell at the top of your lungs, "they stopped making hot lunches!" All the other students will be so happy and so grateful that you informed them that they're going home early.  You can also yell the same phrase if you see a few snow flakes coming down and you want to get everyones hopes up that they're going home early.  It's equally as funny.

Todd's Stories #9

As many of you know by now, growing up I was a strange child. From the mask wearing to the get-it grabbing, I was (and am) the type of child hilarious stories are written about. What many of you may not know is that I was also a very sickly child, and in this edition of Todd's Stories I shall lay out for you a few examples of my sickliness.

The first example is not as much of sickliness but of my overall odd physical attributes. We all know of my escapades while wearing my head gear, but the head gear wasn't my only dental issue. I had braces for several torturous years, and before and during that my teeth were grossly disfigured. The culmination of my terrible teeth was when I had a double tooth with another tooth behind the double tooth, at which point I looked like Sloth from The Goonies, and all three of those teeth had to be pulled out. I also had several other teeth pulled out, all of which were excrutiatingly painful.

My next example of my sickliness was my horrific case of the chicken pox. While normal children get a red bump here and there, I had them covering every inch of my body, and I got them during the summer when it was the hottest. I had them in my hair and in my hears. I had them on the bottom of my feet and on my tushy. I had them everywhere, and during the scorching hot days I had to stay in the tub all day in cold water to make it a little less itchy. Simply no good.

My third example of my sickliness comes with my asthma. Although I am one of the lucky ones that was able to overcome asthma with age, I did have terrible asthma when I was younger. I had to use various types of inhalers and steam machines just so I would cough a little less. When I began to violently cough up flem and other grossnesses, I can assure you it was not a pretty site.

A final example of my sickliness was my knack for getting swimmers ear. In fact, I got swimmers ear so frequently I had to have ear plugs made specially for my ears so that no water could get in. Imagine how cool I looked jumping into the pool with a red ear plug in my right ear and a blue ear plug in my left ear. Cooler than you could ever imagine, I'll tell you that much.

I had other issues growing up as well, but these are some of the more sad yet comical issues I had. Although I am now the portrait of all that is man, in my younger years things weren't quite the same. I was the definition of a dufus, and though my stock is rising now, trust me, things weren't always that way.

The moral of the story is that sometimes the slow, fat kid with asthma and one tooth can grow out of it. Sometimes.

Since When Are Grapes Exotic?

Around two weeks ago a new type of premium grape made its' glorious debut in Japan.  Bunches of the grape were being purchased for as much as $910.  One hotel manager paid that amount for 1 1/2 pounds.  That comes out to roughly $26 a grape.  Can you possibly imagine paying $26 a grape.  Maybe for a banana or some type of fruit that really has more substance, but not for a grape, made almost entirely of water, no matter how delicious it is. 

(This lucky buyer was happy until he found out that they were......seeded. Dundundun.)(I made that up, they may or may not be seeded).

The average size of one of these delectable ruby red grapes is a little smaller than a ping pong ball.  They are tomato colored and have been under development since 1994 in a state led project.  Who takes that long to develop a grape, and what country gives government funding to create a grape?  

The only excuse for these grapes being so expensive is apparently fruit in general is expensive in Japan and is often given as a gift.  For such a crafty and wise people, the Japanese apparently don't know shit about fruit.  The grape would have to be like an orgasm in my mouth for me to pay $26 a grape.  But who knows, maybe it is.

Fast and Furious: Before the Wheels Started Spinning

It seems as though all of my wildest dreams have finally come true. Not only is there a new Fast and Furious movie coming out, titled Fast and Furious, which once again turns the ignition key of the feud between Vin Diesel and Paul Walker, but now Vin is also set to direct a 20 minute prequel to the original The Fast and the Furious. Luckily for fans world wide, Vin will direct the prequel, and will also star in it alongside Michelle Rodriguez and Sung Kang.



(From the original The Fast and the Furious. With those long blond locks and that ripped body, what can't those two do.)





My only hope now is that they will ask Ja Rule to reprise his role as Edward, the quick tongued but slow driving jack ass.

David Beckham The Theater of Dreams (actual title)

Yes it's true folks. The musical version of David Beckham's life is now in the works. And what a lovely musical it will be. I thought Legally Blonde The Musical was going to be good, but the story of David Beckham blows that out of the water. With those killer good looks David Beckham can bend it on stage for me whenever he wants.



(This scene will unfortunately not be recreated in the musical.)






The creator and scribe behind this brilliant idea is British dramatist Mark Archer. He was quoted as saying, "His rise from obscurity to international stardom, his universally acknowledged gifts as a supreme sportsman, and his Hollywood lifestyle all have the elements of an aspirational fable." That's for sure. He also went on to say that the musical would include, "powerful, gospel-like rock." I can't imagine wanting to see anything more than the life of David Beckham sung out on stage to "powerful, gospel-like rock" ballads. Simply brilliant.

David Beckham was quoted as saying, "Me thinks me life would make a wonderful musical."

Flying Turd Wreaks Havoc

Recently in a museum in Switzerland a giant inflatable poop, created by American artist Paul McCarthy, escaped from the museum and caused damage in the neighboring town.  It took down a power line and broke numerous windows before the big dump finally deflated.  The art work, rightfully titles, "Complex Shit," is roughly the size of a house and was carried by the wind 200 meters.  The art piece has a safety system which usually deflates the turd during a storm, but it failed to work on this night and the poop simply flew away.  

Being attacked by a giant piece of shit could quite possibly be my worst nightmare.  This actually broke the window of a little girls room.  Imagine the problems that that girls is going to grow up with.  The reoccurring haunting dream of being chased by a giant poop.  It doesn't get any worse than that.  Not to mention the nicknames she'll receive.  The little children in her school will call her such things as, "giant poop," "poop face," "poopy mcpooperson," "doody butt," and many others.  The possibilities are endless.

Harry Potter Soon to Have One Less Advantage Over The Rest of Us

(Nahhhhh Harry, nahhhh.)








Scientists are now saying they are one step closer to creating materials which would enable invisibility. Researchers demonstrated for the first time that they could cloak a 3-D object. The cloak works by using artificially engineered materials to redirect light away from the object. Cloaking uses materials known as metamaterials to deflect light, radar and other waves around the object.



Take that Harry Potter. That dumb ass cloak of yours isn't special anymore. Soon all of us are going to be running around with capes that can hide us from the world. This cloaking device, once it gets into the open market, will make it easier for all of us to rob, steal, and murder. It will also make it much easier to watch people (for me women, but whatever floats your boat) get undressed through their window without having to worry about whether or not they can see you. It also makes it easier to play funny tricks on people. Imagine just standing in the street and letting people bump into you. They'll think they're running into nothing and go crazy, but in reality they will have just hit you. It's wonderful. You can also rob a bank without anyone knowing. Just walk right up to the money, momentarily reach your hand out of the cloak (the workers will just see a floating hand and freak out), take the money, and leave.

More likely than any of the previously mentioned uses for the cloak are military uses for the cloak. If you think we killed alot of people now wait until the day when no one can see us do it. The only reason we haven't murdered every last Iraqi is because someone will see us do it, tell on us, and then we'll be in trouble. There would be riots and protests all over the world, even here in the U.S. However, if no one knew we were even there and we just killed everyone, nothing would come of it. It's perfect. Total world domination here we come.

Take That Weather (As said by a Chinese person)

Having the Olympics in your home country is a huge deal, and the Chinese realize this. As such, they are not going to let anything ruin it, and that includes the weather. That's why in the past week the Chinese goverment has been cloud seeding. They use cannons and rockets to shoot silver iodide into the clouds into the sky, hopefully forcing them to rain and thus create precipitation. The idea behind it is that if it rains enough before the Olympics, during the Olympics precipitation will be limited (yeah, I'm sure that'll work). The goal of the seeding is also to wash the pollution from the air (which obviously did not work. See pictures of the fog-like haze of pollution which floated around Beijing for proof. Nice try China. We know you pollute a lot, a little cloud seeding isn't going to change that.)

China is the world's number one advocate of cloud seeding. They spend about $90 million a year on research and implimintation, and while other countries attempt cloud seeding as well, China blows them all away (with wind, another type of weather China is attempting to control.) Cloud seeding has worked in the past, but by no means is it gauranteed to work. The science behind it is a little bit, "cloudy."

With China already well on its' way to becoming the economic powerhouse of the next decade, if they gain control of the weather there will be no stopping them. Our only hope would be if Halle Barry was actually Storm from X-Men and could counter-balance the Chinese' weather attacks. The Chinese already have the most advanced technologies and billions of little Chinamen, with the weather in their grasps their is no telling what they would be capable of.

The truth is, the Chinese are trying to scorch the skies like in The Matrix. They've been able to keep a tight lid on it up until now, but it turns out the country is being overwhelmed with artificial intelligence robots which run on solar power. Hopefully Keanu Reeves reads this blog and calls Morpheus to put a stop to the robots before it's too late.

Rule of Life #6

When you are walking around on sidewalks and such and people are around you, use your brain, use your eyes, and be considerate of others. Don't be one of those idiots that just stops in the middle of the sidewalk and looks dumbly around and causes the person behind them to drastically have to change their walking. Don't be one of those idiots in a group of idiots which span the entire length of the sidewalk and walk at an irritatingly slow pace and do not allow people to pass them. Don't be one of those idiots that thinks that he/she can only walk in a perfectly straight line and ends up shouldering other people. Walking is really quite simple. You just have to be considerate of others, you have to use your eyes to see where other people are, and you have to use your brain to recognize when you are being an idiot and annoying other people.

If you are still having trouble, try taking some lessons from Howie Peej:

Why Let Your Children Live When You Can Mummify Them With You?

DNA tests have recently begun to determine the lineage of two fetuses buried in the tomb of King Tut, but it is already being speculated that the unborn children are the offspring of King Tut himself.


(So adorable.)






Some experts believe that if the children are not Tut's than they were probably placed in the tomb to allow Tut to live as a newborn in the afterlife (why would you want to live as a newborn for eternity? If these aren't Tut's children then the stupid Egyptians really screwed him over.)

You may be asking yourself why a king, with no children born to carry out his lineage, would mummify his only two children? One reason, which many experts believe, is because the two children both died as babies, probably stillborn. How you can determine such a thing, I'm not quite sure, but that is what many people believe.

I think the more reasonable explanation, and if this is the case I'm with Tut on this one, is that he just want to be buried with all of his possessions. Screw everyone else. King Tut, like any rational man, wanted to be buried along with everything he owned, including his children. Also, if he has to be mummified, why should his children be spared the same fate.

It could also be that King Tut was just such a loving father he didn't want his children growing up without their true father. As such, he had them mummified and buried along side him. King Tut was simply afraid that his children would grow up without their father and not knowing the ways of the world, and so he wrapped them up for all of eternity. It's what any good father would want.

A Fight Not Worth Fighting

Some people fight to save the rain forests. Some people fight to end world hunger. Some people fight to end the war in Iraq. Some people fight to end racism and discrimination. Andrew El-Khadi fights to keep the place open where posers of all the above mentioned gather. That's right, Andrew is fighting to keep a Starbucks open near him in Bay Ridge. One of the many Starbucks to recently close it's doors was Andrew's go to place for that jolt of java, and he won't stand for it. Andrew aims to gain signatures for his petition to keep the Starbucks open, and once he gains 100 he will present it to the chain's district manager. However, Starbucks has said the decision to close the doors of Andrew's Bay Ridge area coffee mecca is final.

I understand the idea that something doesn't have to be as big as ending AIDS in Africa in order to fight for it, and I'm all for it. The story of the man who stands up for what he believes in is a story I love to hear, and one which will never get old. However, with all the things in this world worth fighting for, why fight to keep Starbucks open? Why fight to keep the harbinger of the end of American culture alive?

Stabucks is like a disease. It spread all across the world sucking in innocent pedestrians who were simply looking for some place to relax and drink a good cup of coffee. However, what those people got instead was a place where the coffee really isn't that good, and it costs a crap load more than it's worth. A place where all of the employees are emo children who have an air about them as if they are better than you. A place where a normal cup of coffee cannot be ordered, and where a "tall" is the smallest thing you can purchase. A place where it's pretty much all luck whether or not you get the drink you thought you ordered, and a place where some sort of caramel or vanilla swirl has to be added to everything.

Despite the rapid rate of infection all across the globe, it seems as though we may have found the cure for the Starbucks epidemic. That's right, it turns out the way to close the Pandora's box that was opened and which led to a Starbucks being placed on virtually every corner is really quite simple. It's by using your head. Once you realize that the coffee at Starbucks is really not that good and is extremely over priced and once you get tired of the obnoxious struggling musician or poet behind the counter, it's quite easy to stop the spreading of Starbucks before it gets any worse. Just go to Dunkin Donuts or McDonalds where you can order your coffee in English, get it faster, get it a fraction of the price, and have it taste just as good, if not better. It's really quite that simple.

To be fair, the idea behind Starbucks is not a bad one. A place where you can go to relax and drink something delicious is a place that I will never turn down. However, when you can see multiple of those same stores on the same block in every city in the world, it's a bit too much. The air of an Italian cafe which they were going for is completely lost when the company just wants to put up as many stores as phsyically possible as fast as possible and make as large of a profit as possible. The dream behind Starbucks is a good one, but the execution was awful.

Good luck to you Andrew, and to every other poor soul out there not yet freed of their Starbucks addiction.

Answer for One of the Bens, juss keeding its always pasinkoff

One of the Bens, juss keeding its always pasinkoff writes:

Hey Bod,
How much can a male use facebook until it starts to get a little weird? And does saying "tag that" everytime someone takes a photo of you ever get old?

Well One of the Bens, juss keeding its always pasinkoff, that is a very good two part question and I'm glad you asked.  A male's manhood can often be judged by how much they frequent facebook, and seeing as how I am all that is man, my standards for excessive facebook use should be followed religiously.  That is unless you want to be deemed as unmanly as a guy frosting his tips (I did it once, it was a mistake), in which case don't follow my advice.

One major indicator of facebook weirdness is the number of applications you have.  Anything over two or three applications is weird.  Once you get past that number you are spending far too much time on facebook.  I get it if you enjoy reminiscing about the past with the Oregon Trail Application, but once you start getting involved in which superhero you are and shit like that, you've gone too far.

Another major indicator of facebook weirdness is how frequently you update your status.  Personally, I have my own rule of never updating my status because I think it's stupid, but if you feel the need to do it, try to keep it to at most once a week.  Any more than that it becomes blatantly obvious that you spend far too much time on facebook.

A final indicator of facebook weirdness involves stalking.  Some people, especially females, learn way too much about others via facebook.  When you know about people being in relationships because you've looked through all their pictures and can tell they are dating, that is weird.  Or when you meet a friend's friend and you know who they are through their pictures on facebook, that's weird as well.  Any sort of facebook stalking is weird, and although it's pretty typical from females, if your a male and you do it it's really weird.

The "tag that" quote depends on the situation and who's saying it.  If you say it like, "yo, tag that bro," and you are joking, that will take a long time to get old.  If you say, "yo, tag that bro," and you are serious, that's pretty sad.  Saying "tag that" can be very funny, but if done by the wrong person and the wrong time, it can be horrifically unfunny.  So, just use your best judgement and try not to over do it.  Good luck.